Try To Remember (3/7)
Dec. 20th, 2013 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepox9
They meet on a message board for fans of the Korean band (if you're being charitable, or boyband if you're not) Peppermint. Minseok's username is KMS, while Lu Han is registered as Lu, allowing them to blend in with the predominantly female fanbase. It's not that they're embarrassed, but...okay, maybe it is a little embarrassing being male fans of a boyband, even if they're fans for the music and not because they're in love with the members of the group.
Once they start e-mailing privately, Lu Han thinks it's probably time to come clean lest he seem like a creeper, so he writes, Since we're off the boards now, maybe it's time for real names? My name's Lu Han, and since I don't know if you can tell from that, I should probably tell you that I'm a guy.
Minseok replies quickly with a lot of laughing emoticons. I was just worrying about coming clean and if you wouldn't want to talk to me once you found out I was a guy. I guess maybe there's a reason we started talking, huh? I'm Minseok.
With that out of the way, they quickly bond over their shared fanboy experience, learning more about each other and discovering other shared interests in between discussions of lyrics and choreography and the challenge of finding money to buy albums and goods while still in high school.
They get comfortable with each other, progressing to text messages and then Skype, even though Lu Han's spoken Korean sucks and Minseok's mother is paranoid that his online friend is secretly some kind of sexual predator. (Once Lu Han greets her over Skype in his best polite Korean, she's instantly smitten and Minseok tells him later that she couldn't shut up about how he "seems like such a nice boy." "I think she thinks you're hot," Minseok says, wrinkling his nose in distaste.)
That's the one thing they always dance around, even as they share all kinds of details of their lives. Minseok tells Lu Han about getting dragged on a double date with the painfully boring friend of his friend's crush, and Lu Han tells Minseok about awkwardly turning down the girl who confessed to him but was so nervous she couldn't look at him, but they never actually say if they're only interested in girls, or are interested in girls at all.
It's easy to make assumptions about boys who like boybands, but they don't talk about how hot their favorite members are, keeping their comments to things like, "Isn't he amazing?" And their conversations aren't full of hearts and declarations of love for each other like a lot of the girls on the message boards. They may be talking about boybands, but they talk about them like the boys they are (or so Lu Han says when Minseok jokes that maybe they don't have enough love).
Lu Han's okay with that, because he's not sure what he'd say if the topic ever did come up. His friends tease him about being gay for Peppermint, and more recently about his "Korean boyfriend," and he always insists that it's not like that, but to himself he can admit that maybe, just maybe, it is like that on both counts. He doesn't want it to be, doesn't want people to be right when they assume he's that stereotype of the cute, gay pretty boy who likes boybands and boys in general, but maybe it is.
But he never brings it up and Minseok never asks, so Lu Han continues to reject the girls who pursue him and wonder if one he can like back will ever come along or if he'll have to look elsewhere. It's fine, anyway. He has his friends and his love for Peppermint, and if their songs about love sometimes make him feel like he's missing something big, well, he's still young and he has time for all of that.
They get busy when they start their last year of high school, but they still keep in regular contact, talking each other through entrance exam panic and Lu Han's endless struggle to convince his parents to let him go to university in Korea. Lu Han's friends don't take that seriously, asking him why he would ever want to leave Beijing, and Minseok may not understand either, but at least he's supportive.
That's why when Lu Han finally finds out that he got accepted to study in Seoul and his parents cave and tell him he can go, Minseok is the first person he tells. He expresses his excitement in garbled Korean and emphatic hand gestures over Skype, and Minseok congratulates him with a big smile on his face.
"I guess this means we'll finally get to meet in person," Minseok says, grinning. "We can go to music shows and when Peppermint finally does concerts we can go and feel totally out of place together."
Lu Han laughs and then beams at him, feeling happier than he probably ever has before. "It's going to be the best."
Lu Han has never lived anywhere but Beijing, so the prospect of moving to another country, once the initial excitement passes, is more than a little terrifying. He doesn't want to admit that to his still-skeptical parents and friends, so Minseok has to talk him down a lot when he starts panicking about his ability to survive in Korea.
"Seoul isn't that scary once you get used to it," Minseok says patiently (even though he lives out in the suburbs now and will also be moving to the city for university), "and your Korean's already pretty good. And anyway, you won't be the only foreign student, so I'm sure the university will help you with stuff.
But in spite of all that, Lu Han is still more than a little nervous when he boards the plane, so he's glad to know that Minseok will be waiting for him in the airport and he won't immediately get lost or robbed blind or murdered. (There is a slight possibility that Minseok is secretly a serial killer, but Lu Han's pretty sure after all this time that he's safe.) His heart is pounding as he steps out in to the arrivals area, but he bursts out laughing when he sees a big sign with a peppermint candy on it, and his worries are temporarily forgotten as Minseok runs over and pulls him and his giant backpack into a hug.
The first thing Lu Han says when they break apart is, "You're short." Minseok laughs and punches him none-too-gently in the arm.
They're both grinning, and Lu Han thinks that texts and e-mails and even Skype can never match meeting a friend in person, especially knowing that you'll be able to do it a lot from now on. Minseok chatters the whole way into the city, talking too quickly in his excitement for Lu Han to catch everything, but he doesn't have the heart to stop him. He's too happy to care, anyway, just being here, in Korea and with Minseok.
In his first month in Korea, Lu Han realizes several things. First, that even if he can speak Korean decently, never having taken formal classes and having picked up a lot from the internet, his grammar is terrible and he has to start from the beginning even though it means wincing as his classmates fumble over extremely basic vocabulary. Second, that being able to talk about kpop in Korean doesn't mean he can do important things like order food, open a bank account, or get around the city without great difficulty.
Third and perhaps most important in the grand scheme of things, that it's a lot easier not to think about being attracted to someone when you only see them on the computer screen, and that he is, in fact, attracted to Minseok. He still doesn't really know if he likes girls most of the time or sometimes or hardly at all, but he can't deny that he does like Minseok in more than just a friendly way.
What he doesn't know is what to do about it. Minseok has new friends at his own university and Lu Han at his, but they still hang out regularly and Lu Han would hate to mess with that. He doesn't know if Minseok would react badly and it would be awful if he turned against Lu Han when he's been such a lifeline here in Korea, not to mention the only other male Peppermint fan he's ever met. Besides that, Korea is hardly the most accepting place, and it's difficult enough to be a foreigner here without being a gay foreigner.
So he resolves to keep quiet about it for now, hoping the feelings will just go away in time. If he can make himself stop feeling like this about Minseok, then everything can go back to being simple again, and he can find a girl he likes well enough and maybe finally experience love like in the songs he's listened to so many times.
Lu Han's been in Korea for five months when Peppermint announces their first solo concert tour. Lu Han hasn't had the same time to devote to them recently that he did in high school, but if there's any question that he's still a big fan, it's answered when he immediately calls Minseok after hearing the news and freaks his roommate out with his incoherent screams of excitement.
"We're going together, right?" Minseok says when they've calmed down enough for actual words. "Right? We have to."
"Of course!" Lu Han says. As if there was ever a question.
They go to the first concert of the tour in Seoul and it's amazing and everything Lu Han could have hoped for, and even better because he can share the excitement of it with Minseok. They chatter animatedly about it all through a late dinner and the trip back to Minseok's apartment. They have plans to keep their flailing alive by watching videos, but what actually happens is that as soon as they're in Minseok's room with the door closed against his mocking roommate, Minseok tugs Lu Han forward with hands fisted in his con t-shirt and kisses him.
It's a fantasy come true and at first Lu Han's too shocked to react. Then he's seized by a momentary panic, but he's still riding a post-concert adrenaline high, so he just lets go and kisses back. The kiss deepens fast, mouths opening and tongues tangling, and Minseok's never talked to Lu Han about kissing anyone, but he seems to know what he's doing and it feels good, so good.
By the time they break apart, Lu Han is feeling pleasantly dazed, but he laughs to see a similar expression on Minseok's face. Minseok licks his lips self-consciously and says, "I, uh...I wasn't planning on doing that, but I guess you didn't mind too much."
"No," Lu Han sheepishly agrees. "I didn't."
Minseok makes a face. "Look at us, making out in our sparkly boyband t-shirts. Could we be any more gay?"
"We could take them off," Lu Han says in a bedroom voice he didn't know he had.
Minseok looks surprised, to say the least, and Lu Han opens his mouth to take it back, but Minseok speaks first. "Okay. If you really want to?" He meets Lu Han's eyes and his expression says what his words don't, that he's serious about this, and Lu Han nods slowly, answering both the spoken question and the implied one.
And that's how they end up on Minseok's bed with their sparkly boyband shirts off, Lu Han's hands in Minseok's hair and Minseok's fingers dancing on the bare skin of Lu Han's back. Their touching hasn't gone any farther than that, but with the way they're pressed up against each other, kissing hard and barely even bothering to breathe, it seems likely that it will. Lu Han will probably freak out later, but right now, he can't think about anything but Minseok, his lips against Lu Han's and his hands clenched in Lu Han's hair.
Lu Han breaks first, letting out a moan that turns into "Please" at the press of Minseok's thigh between his legs.
Minseok stops kissing him and Lu Han's afraid he's gone too far, but when Minseok pulls back, his eyes are dark with want. "Can I touch you?" he asks in a low voice, shifting to lie beside Lu Han, a hand on his hip.
Lu Han nods and when Minseok doesn't move, he adds, "Yes. Please."
Minseok's eyes follow his hand as he skates his fingers across Lu Han's stomach before popping the button on his now too-tight jeans and sliding the zipper down painfully slowly. His palm settles over Lu Han's erection, just resting there, and Lu Han can't breathe. "Have you ever...?" Minseok asks slowly. "I've never touched anyone else." His cheeks are flushed and Lu Han doesn't know how much is arousal and how much is embarrassment.
"You don't have to," Lu Han says, even though he really hopes Minseok won't take him up on it.
"I want to," Minseok says almost the second the words are out of Lu Han's mouth. "If you want me to."
Lu Han thinks his feelings on the subject are pretty obvious, but he says, "Yeah," to be sure.
Finally, Minseok obliges, pulling his underwear down and wrapping a hand around Lu Han's erection, and after waiting what feels like forever, Lu Han can't be bothered about the moan that escapes him. The hungry look in Minseok's eyes tells Lu Han that he doesn't mind either. He presses a kiss to Lu Han's bare shoulder as he starts to move his hand.
It's slow, not enough, but it's good. Lu Han's never had anyone else's hand on him either, but he likes it. Minseok scoots up a bit to kiss Lu Han's mouth as he continues stroking him, even as Lu Han moans into the kiss. Lu Han's hips jerk up when he speeds up his strokes, grip tightening. He doesn't want to be too loud because Minseok's roommate is home, and in any case, it's embarrassing, but he can't help it. Minseok doesn't try to hush him, just muffles Lu Han's moans with his mouth.
It seems like they've been at this forever even though it's probably not long at all, and he's closer and closer and then just barely remembering to bite back a cry as he comes. Minseok pulls back enough to let him gasp for air, but he's still really close, and Lu Han would probably feel self-conscious if he wasn't too busy feeling good.
Minseok kisses him as he comes down, gentler now, and it's not until Lu Han turns into him and Minseok moans that he remembers Minseok hasn't been touched yet. He pulls away and Minseok gives him the cutest confused face before Lu Han says, "Your turn?"
It's awkward with Lu Han half out of his clothes, so he kicks off his pants and underwear and, when Minseok makes no move to do so himself, divests him of the rest of his clothes. He looks good naked and Lu Han is seized by the desire to taste all that exposed skin and leave a mark (which, whoa, this escalated fast), but for now, he just pulls Minseok into his lap.
They fumble a bit before they find a good position and Lu Han is able to take hold of Minseok's erection, pulling a low groan from him. His face falls into the crook of Lu Han's neck and stays like that as Lu Han strokes him, moans muffled against his skin. It's really hot and if Lu Han hadn't just come, he'd probably be getting extremely turned on by it.
As it is, it spurs him to stroke faster, wrapping his free arm around Minseok to pull him closer. He's shaking under Lu Han's touch, little shivers of pleasure that build until he arches up and moans too loud to muffle as he comes on Lu Han's stomach.
For a few moments, the only sound is Minseok's harsh breathing. Then he mumbles something that Lu Han thinks is, "Fuck," followed by, "That was not how I thought tonight would end." He sounds a little amused and a lot embarrassed, but not like he regrets it, Lu Han thinks.
"But it's okay?" He realizes he's still holding Minseok close and drops his arm, but Minseok moves back only enough to look him in the eye.
"Having our first time be after a boyband concert is really, really gay, though," Minseok says. He's trying not to smile and not quite succeeding.
"I won't tell if you don't," Lu Han says, not bothering to hide his own smile.
Minseok glances at the door, remembering too late that he has a roommate. "I think Jinki already knows, but I won't tell anyone else." Then he laughs. "I guess my mom was right about you, huh? You really did want in my pants."
Lu Han laughs too, and he's sweaty and gross and there are a lot of things to worry about, but he's had an amazing day and Minseok is grinning at him and he doesn't care about anything else.
The trouble is, there's not much that Lu Han really strongly cares about. He likes soccer and learning Korean and Peppermint, and his new university friends and his old friends in China, but he really, really likes Minseok, and that's frightening. He might even say he's in love with Minseok, but he can't be. They've only been friends for a few years, and only been more for a few weeks. People don't fall in love that fast outside of cheesy movies and romance novels.
It's not that he's not happy. He is, really, really happy whenever he's with Minseok, and even when he's not and he just thinks about Minseok. But he's overwhelmed by how happy he is, and by how much he likes, maybe loves Minseok. He says he loves Peppermint, but that's easy, loving idols he'll never really know from a safe distance away. That's not really love. Really loving someone, someone who likes (but probably doesn't yet love) you back is a lot scarier.
He wants to talk to someone about it, to ask, "Is it normal to fall this head over heels for someone you just started dating?" But it's usually Minseok he goes to to talk about the things that are embarrassing to discuss with his other friends, and Minseok is the last person he wants to ask. Besides, he's afraid he already knows the answer. He's afraid to hear that he is abnormal, in ways that have nothing to do with liking men or being a fanboy or having a strange sense of humor.
And he's afraid, too, that if having Minseok makes him this happy, not having him would crush him. He's listened to a lot of songs about love, but he's listened to a lot about heartbreak too, and he knows that the more you love, the more it can hurt later. Just thinking about losing Minseok, quite possibly as his friend too, if it came to that, is honestly terrifying.
He tries to tell himself he's being ridiculous, that he should just go with it and let himself be happy instead of worrying about what's normal or what might happen down the line. And sometimes he does, sometimes he spends time with Minseok and forgets to be anything but happy. But sometimes Minseok smiles at him and it feels like his heart will explode from all the feelings in it, and sometimes they're apart and he misses Minseok way more than he thinks he should and it just plain freaks him out.
Lu Han goes home to Beijing for two weeks in the winter, with promises he fully intends to keep to talk to Minseok online. The first day, they're both busy, but the second, there's an e-mail in his inbox from Minseok. I miss you, he's written, but there's a winking face to show he's not too serious about it. Lu Han misses him a lot already, and he thinks if he writes back, no amount of winking faces will camouflage that.
So he doesn't reply, even though he wants to, and even though he feels bad about it. He spends time with his parents and his friends and avoids his laptop, and suddenly it's been four days and there's another e-mail in his inbox. Are you alive? I didn't think anything less than death could keep you off the internet for this long.
Sorry, I've been busy, Lu Han writes back, feeling too guilty not to. I'm not dead, I promise.
Minseok replies a few hours later, just a short e-mail about what he's been doing and a link to Peppermint's Christmas message in case Lu Han missed it while he was dead. There's nothing to worry about there, but Lu Han clicks reply and then stares at the e-mail box and doesn't write anything.
Another four days pass, but this time Minseok doesn't write again. Maybe he assumes Lu Han is still busy, though he's really not. Maybe he's busy and isn't paying attention to his e-mail or how many days it's been without a reply. Maybe for him, unlike Lu Han, it's easy to go four days without talking.
That's how it starts, with little, unfounded seeds of doubt. The more intense Lu Han's feelings get, the more he finds himself doubting Minseok's, wondering if he doesn't really want this, or at least doesn't care much either way. It's stupid because Minseok is the one who started this thing between them, and because he's never hesitated to tell Lu Han before when he did something Minseok didn't like. But it's not a reasonable feeling, and so he can't turn it off.
Minseok meets him in the airport when he goes back to Korea, and he makes a joke about thinking Lu Han forgot about him, but they laugh it off and everything is fine. But then classes start up again and Lu Han keeps finding excuses not to see Minseok, studying or other plans. It's not that he doesn't want to see Minseok, quite the opposite, but it's simpler, if not actually easier, to stay away.
In Lu Han's first month back, they only hang out five times, which is nothing compared to how they were meeting almost every day before. The fifth time only happens because Minseok insists that he doesn't care if Lu Han has to study, they can both sit there with their books and not talk, and when he arrives at Lu Han's apartment, Minseok bluntly asks, "Are you avoiding me?"
"What? No!" Lu Han immediately protests, the words coming automatically even though he's aware it's a lie.
"Then what's going on? You can't suddenly be that much busier."
"My classes are getting harder, that's all." The lie is smoother than Lu Han thought it would be, but Minseok still doesn't look convinced.
"You always talked to me about stuff before," Minseok says, frowning a little. "Don't stop now just because things are different between us."
"I won't," Lu Han promises. It's another lie, but Minseok doesn't object.
They study for a while, or at least pretend to, and then they watch a movie, and then they have sex and in the heat of the moment, Lu Han can forget about all the complications. But after, when they're lying together on his bed and he never wants to leave, he can't help thinking.
Minseok has his back to him, pressed against Lu Han's chest, and like this, Lu Han could almost bring himself to ask the questions swirling around in his head, to put it all out there so he wouldn't be dealing with it alone. He could almost be brave enough, and then maybe it would be okay. But only almost, and that's not enough.
Minseok kisses him one more time before he leaves. "Call me, okay?" he says, and Lu Han tells his last lie of the night when he nods.
It's another three weeks of that before they hit the breaking point. Lu Han is home on a Saturday afternoon after he told Minseok he had plans when there's a knock on his door. He opens it, and there is an angry-looking Minseok. "Busy, huh?" he asks. Lu Han winces, caught, and steps back to let Minseok come inside.
Once the door is closed, Minseok looks right at him and says, "If you didn't want to be together, all you had to do was say so."
"What?" Lu Han asks. He's probably an idiot, because it makes sense that Minseok would think that, but it's still a shock to hear it.
"I thought at first that maybe you really were just busier," Minseok continues, unimpressed with Lu Han's reaction. "You seemed happy whenever we did manage to hang out. But it's like I have to practically beg to see you now, and whenever I say that I miss you or anything like that, you get all shifty and won't look at me." He frowns deeply, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest. "I'm sorry if I pushed you into this, but I really thought you wanted it too, and I thought we were good enough friends that you'd tell me if you didn't instead of stringing me along like this. I sure as hell didn't think you'd flat-out lie to avoid me."
Lu Han flinches at that. "I'm sorry," he says. There's so much more to be said, but he's no good with words, and he doesn't know where to begin. How can he explain that it's not that he doesn't want this, but that he wants it too much?
Minseok doesn't give him a chance to figure it out. "You know, forget it. If you don't even care enough to tell me the truth, then I guess we're not even as good friends as I thought. I'll save you the trouble of avoiding me and not call you anymore."
And just like that, he turns on his heel, and he's out the door before Lu Han can even begin to find the words to stop him.
In the days that follow, Lu Han is lost. He keeps looking at his phone and his e-mail, waiting for contact from Minseok that never comes. Sometimes he brings up Minseok's number and thinks about calling him, but in the end, he can never bring himself to do it. And somehow, the days keep passing and soon it's over two weeks since he talked to Minseok at all.
It a Thursday night when Peppermint releases a new music video teaser, and Lu Han automatically grabs his phone to ask Minseok to watch it with him before he remembers. Right then, staring at the link on his computer screen and the silent phone in his hand, is when it really sinks in, that he's screwed up everything and maybe lost Minseok entirely, and it's all he can do not to burst into tears. Instead, he throws his phone at the wall (and thankfully misses so it hits his pillow and doesn't break).
But time just keeps moving, and though he thinks a lot about Minseok, he's just too scared or too unsure of how to fix this to make a move, and before he knows it a full month has passed. It's not a good month, because even if Lu Han isn't alone, Minseok has been at the center of his life here in Seoul from the beginning and it feels empty without him. It hurts, and he can't blame anyone but himself. There's a little part of him that wants to, feels like Minseok should know him well enough to understand what he can't say, but mostly, he knows it's his mistake and his to fix or give up on.
Finally, Lu Han decides he needs to do something. He doesn't know what he'll say or if it'll do any good, but he needs to talk to Minseok and try, at least. The next weekend, he gathers up every drop of courage he has and makes his way unannounced to Minseok's apartment. His roommate answers the door, looking singularly unimpressed when he sees Lu Han. "I don't know if I should let you in."
"Please," Lu Han says, and he must sound either sincere or pathetic enough because Jinki grudgingly moves aside.
The door to Minseok's room opens as Lu Han steps inside. His expression is hard to read, but he says, "Come on," and Lu Han goes over to join him.
He sits on Minseok's bed like he has so many times before, but Minseok sits at his desk instead of next to him. He waits silently until Lu Han says, "I'm sorry. About everything."
Silence. When Lu Han doesn't continue after a while, Minseok says, "And?"
"And I want to explain, but I just, I'm not..." He sighs. "I'm not good at this. Words. Especially Korean words, but it's just hard to talk about things."
"Yeah, well, sometimes you have to," Minseok says, unsympathetic.
"I know," Lu Han says, hanging his head. "I shouldn't have avoided you like that. I should've told you the truth."
"And what is the truth?"
Lu Han is this close to saying everything he's been thinking about the last few months, spilling out all his feelings for Minseok and seeing what comes of it. He opens his mouth and what comes out is, "I think it's better if we're friends. Just friends. We're really good as friends."
He tries not to see the way Minseok's face falls. "Oh," he says in a small voice. "Okay."
"I really like you," Lu Han continues, ignoring the voice in his head screaming, What are you doing?! "But it's just...not good like that. If you still want to, if you don't hate me, I'd like to be friends."
Minseok presses his lips together, taking a deep breath in and out. "I'm still kind of pissed off at you," he says slowly, considering. "And I'm not..." He trails off, frowning. "But I miss you. And if that's what you really want, then okay. Let's try to be friends again."
"Really?" In spite of his frustration with himself and this whole mess, Lu Han can't help being excited. He's missed Minseok enough that being just friends sounds wonderful, compared to being nothing.
"Yeah." Then Minseok gives a wry little smile. "But you've got some groveling to do to make it up to me."
And this isn't what he wanted, but seeing Minseok smiling at him for the first time in too long and being able to smile back without being afraid of losing at him, Lu Han is happy all the same.
They do stay friends, in spite of the occasional awkwardness, and it's more like a sad love song than the ones Lu Han really likes, but at least he doesn't have to be afraid of losing Minseok completely. It's not until their last year of university with graduation approaching frighteningly fast that Lu Han is brave enough or grown up enough or maybe just too panicked about the future to worry about anything else and he decides to tell Minseok the truth about what happened before, and about his real feelings.
Even then, he has to get pretty drunk before he can convince himself to sit down too close to Minseok and ask, "Can I talk to you?" They're in Minseok's apartment, so they go into his bedroom, and his friends know better than to say anything.
"What is it?" Minseok asks warily. He's drunk too, but not so drunk that he can't tell something's going on.
"I need to tell you something," Lu Han starts, hoping his mouth won't betray him like it did before. He doesn't have a clue what will happen if he tells Minseok everything, but after so long, he owes it to both of them. "Something I probably should've told you a long time ago. Do you remember...when I said we should stay friends?"
Minseok's laugh is just this side of bitter. "Of course I remember."
"I lied," Lu Han says. He's surprised at how easily it comes out. "I didn't want to, but I tried to tell you the truth and I couldn't."
"What do you mean?" Minseok is tense, uncomfortable, and it makes Lu Han feel guilty.
"I didn't want to be friends. Not just friends. That's not why I avoided you. I did it because I was really...crazy about you. I liked you too much and I freaked out. And I wanted to tell you, but I got too scared and I didn't." He doesn't look at Minseok as he speaks, because it's hard enough to say this as it is. When he finally finishes, he raises his eyes, and Minseok looks...angry. This isn't good.
"What the hell?" he says. He's not yelling, but he's clearly not happy. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"I..." It's a valid point, one he's tried to avoid thinking too hard about. "I didn't like having that secret between us. And I guess I thought maybe..."
"Oh, fuck that," Minseok says, a lot more harshly than Lu Han's expecting. "Fuck you. You don't get to tell me you're not interested and I need to get over you so we can be friends again and then suddenly decide years later that you changed your mind."
"I-I'm sorry," Lu Han stammers. Maybe he should've see this coming, Minseok's anger, but he's taken aback all the same. He didn't necessarily expect Minseok to fall into his arms, but he didn't think he'd be this mad.
"You should be," Minseok snaps. "I was so happy when we got together, and then all of a sudden you went, 'Oops, just kidding' and I thought I'd screwed it up somehow. I didn't want to lose you so I said okay to being just friends, but it hurt, and now you're telling me it was just because you couldn't deal with your feelings and couldn't even tell me that?"
"I'm really sorry," Lu Han says, wishing he'd never said anything at all.
"If you thought I was just going to let it go and fall madly in love with you, you can forget it." Minseok's tone is still sharp, but his anger already seems to be fading. "You told me to get over you, and so I did. We can't go back."
Lu Han's heart sinks. He should have seen it coming, and he has no one to blame but himself, but it still hurts. "I understand," he says quietly. "I'm sorry I messed it up for both of us. I just didn't want to lie to you anymore."
"Well, never fucking do it again," Minseok says, emphasizing each word. He stops and rubs a hand over his face, but when he looks up, he smiles. "We made it this far, right? So let's stay friends after we graduate, and whatever happens."
"I can do that," Lu Han says, returning the smile. He does, and they do stay friends, but never again anything more.
10
It's a freezing cold night after a relatively warm day, and the roads are covered with ice. Minseok would rather be safe at home, but he has to get there first, so he has no choice but to drive in these conditions. He goes slowly and cautiously and it's scary, but it seems like he'll be all right.
Then there's a sharp curve, and maybe he takes it a little too fast or maybe the conditions are just too bad, but he skids on ice and loses control. It all happens so fast that he barely has time to register bright lights coming straight at him before there's an explosion of pain and then everything goes dark.
He wakes up in a hospital, his mind fuzzy with painkillers and maybe more. His mother is sitting by his bed and her eyes are red, tear tracks still drying on her cheeks. "You're awake!" she gasps when she notices, fresh tears welling up in her eyes.
"What happened?" he asks.
He's not in great shape, so it's not until three days later when the doctors are pretty sure that there's nothing wrong with his brain that they tell him about the other driver, who didn't survive the crash. "The police have ruled it an accident. It's not your fault," his mother tells him, as if that will erase the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
The dead man's name is Lu Han, and the grainy picture in the newspaper shows a smiling guy who looks young but is apparently the same age as Minseok. His death is only worth two sentences in the paper, along with one about the unnamed other driver who was seriously injured but survived. Nothing about what kind of person he was or why he was out on the streets that night or what made him smile like he is in that picture.
Minseok cuts out the article and keeps it for the rest of his life, but he doesn't need to because he never forgets that name or that forever unchanging smile.
11
Prince Lu Han is sixteen when they tell him he's to have a new companion. He's from Korea and he's not royalty, but he's the kind of nobility that's close to it. "His grandfather was the cousin of the previous king," Lu Han's tutor explains. "That makes him too far down the line of succession to have any power, but he's still politically significant. We should all do our best to impress him." There is an implied "and not to offend him" at the end of that sentence, even though Lu Han has outgrown the wild days of his youth when he would occasionally forget himself and laugh at visiting dignitaries.
There's a month of preparation in which Lu Han brushes up on Korean language and culture. He asks everyone who might know to tell him more about the Korean boy (Man? The empress is always telling Lu Han that he's not a child anymore) who'll be coming to the palace, but all anyone can tell him is his relationship to the king and that he's the same age as Lu Han, nothing about his personality or his interests.
He finds himself nervous but also eager. He's always been lonely, here in the palace. He has no brothers or sisters, and when your parents are the emperor and empress of China, you don't get to spend much time with them. He's had the occasional playmate, cousins or the children of nobles in favor with the Emperor, but no one ever stayed for long, and even when he did have company, he had to keep an appropriate polite distance between them or risk getting scolded. A prince may have friends, if he's lucky, but not the kind of close friends that commoners have. No one is allowed to be that familiar with him.
There's no reason to believe things will be any different just because his new companion is a Korean noble, but he doesn't even need a playmate now. He'd settle for someone to talk to who isn't a servant or his tutor, even if it's only about impersonal topics like the weather and Korean traditions.
Kim Minseok arrives with all the fanfare due a visiting noble. He's dressed in a well-tailored hanbok, but somehow it seems to dwarf him, which Lu Han thinks is adorable. He's good looking, in Lu Han's opinion, but in an interesting sort of way, not like Korea's crown prince with his perfect but bland face. He bows politely, and Lu Han bows back, but not too low. Their eyes don't meet, but Lu Han doesn't mind too much. They'll have time for real introductions later, when fewer eyes are watching them.
Lu Han says the polite words he's rehearsed in Korean and Minseok gives his thanks but doesn't smile. That's no surprise, given that Lu Han's own expression has been carefully neutral the whole time. They're both well-trained, it seems, though he thinks he catches a hint of nervousness in the Korean visitor's tense posture.
He's definitely nervous later when he sits down for a meal with the royal family and a few favored nobles, stumbling over his Mandarin and trying not to look embarrassed about it. The emperor and empress ask him a few questions before beginning to talk business with the nobles, as is usually the case in these dinners. Lu Han sits quietly unless spoken to, as usual, and Minseok seems relieved to do the same.
After dinner, Lu Han hurries back to his chambers (in a calm and dignified manner, of course) where he's supposed to have a more private audience with Minseok. He shows up after fifteen minutes, still in his formal attire, and Lu Han greets him in slightly less formal but still very polite Korean.
"I'm grateful that you speak to me in my language," Minseok tells him. "I apologize that I can't speak yours equally well."
Lu Han politely brushes off the compliment, but on the inside he's pleased. He's worked hard to learn all the languages it was deemed important for him to know, but Korean is his favorite, and it's rare that he gets a chance to speak it with anyone but his tutor.
Once they've exchanged greetings, Lu Han invites him to sit down, and Minseok looks relieved. He's probably tired, traveling from Korea and having to walk around in bulky traditional garments. "Did you have a pleasant trip?" Lu Han asks.
"Yes, of course." Even though he's sitting down, Minseok's speech is no more relaxed. "I was well taken care of."
"I've always wanted to travel to Korea," Lu Han says, and Minseok looks surprised at the admission before he covers it up.
"I hope you have the chance someday," he says. "It's a beautiful country, in my biased opinion."
They talk for a while, all about shallow topics like travel and the Korean language. It's boring, but Lu Han can't risk offending him on their first meeting. "I'm sorry," Minseok says after a while, when there's a lull in the conversation. "I know how to address the crown prince of Korea and the proper title for you in Mandarin, but I'm not sure what to call you when we're speaking Korean."
Lu Han doesn't know either, and it makes him want to laugh because so much about their interaction was planned for, but not something as simple as that. He wants to tell Minseok to just use his name, but that won't do when there are servants around. "I don't know," he admits sheepishly, and a tiny burst of laughter escapes Minseok before he can stop himself. "I'll have to get back to you about that."
"I understand," Minseok says, struggling to hide his amusement. "Thank you."
The rest of their conversation is unremarkable, and soon Minseok goes back to his quarters, leaving Lu Han to his thoughts. He doesn't know what to make of Minseok because it's almost impossible to read personality into a stiff conversation like the one they had, but the laugh intrigues him. If Minseok is not so well-trained that he doesn't still laugh, even when he shouldn't, then maybe there's a chance they can break past those barriers of formality and be at least something approaching friends.
For two weeks, they continue with those kinds of conversations, along with the occasional walk around the palace while discussing its history and architecture. Lu Han is bored out of his mind and he really wants to venture beyond that, but he's nervous. He knows perfectly well that Minseok isn't just here to keep a lonely prince company. His presence is political, a way to demonstrate cooperation and friendship between their two countries. If he does anything to offend Minseok or his entourage, it'll reflect badly not just on him but on the emperor and empress and the entire country. He doesn't think he'll cause an international incident by asking Minseok what he likes to do for fun, but any kind of more casual interaction carries risks.
Then his tutor (who's been teaching him for so many years that he's allowed to be a little forward with Lu Han) tells him, "I've been hearing talk that our Korean visitor seems unhappy."
"Unhappy?" Lu Han asks, surprised. Minseok hasn't shown any indication of that in the time they spend together, but that means nothing. Lu Han should know; he's kept a polite smile on his face many times despite being sad or sick or angry.
"Perhaps he's homesick," his tutor suggests. "He struggles with our language, and of course there are cultural differences."
"I see." Lu Han frowns. Though Minseok isn't entirely his responsibility, he is officially Lu Han's guest more than anyone else's, and if he wants people to take him seriously as an adult, he can't mess up something as simple as keeping a guest happy. "I'll talk to him."
He has lunch with Minseok after his morning lessons, but there are too many servants involved in that for him to feel comfortable asking anything about how he's doing. He waits until they're finished eating and then plasters on his best polished but meaningless princely smile before saying, "If you have a moment to spare to come into my room, I have a book I'd like to show you."
Minseok looks bemused, as do all the attendants, but he smiles politely in response and says, "Of course."
Lu Han leads him into the other room, closing the door in the face of their still perplexed attendants, and Minseok's neutral expression falters as confusion flashes over his face. "Sorry about that," Lu Han tells him. "I just wanted to talk alone for once." He turns his best princely smile on Minseok, the sweet one he knows has girls all over the country falling for him, which only seems to confuse him more.
"I'm really tired of talking about the weather and about how fascinating Chinese traditions are," Lu Han continues, plopping indelicately down on the edge of his bed. "Do you like soccer?"
"Soccer?" Minseok echoes. He's still standing stiffly like he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"The sport where people kick a ball around and try to get into the goal?" Minseok's eyes go wide at his sarcastic tone, and then, suddenly, he bursts out laughing. He stops quickly, though; there are people right outside the door who are sure to hear that. "Don't look so surprised," Lu Han tells him. "Even princes can be sarcastic."
"And here I thought you were one of those noble types who's always polite and never has an opinion about anything." Minseok still looks dazed, and after he finishes speaking he looks worried, like he's realized too late that he's being too informal with the crown prince.
"I'm supposed to be," Lu Han says, "but I'm not very good at it." He can look like the perfect prince, and as long as everything he's saying is planned and rehearsed, he can even sound like it, but as soon as he's left to his own devices, he tends to say something stupid or put his foot in his mouth or laugh inappropriately all too quickly. It's a miracle that he's managed to avoid it with Minseok during the last two weeks.
"Me neither," Minseok admits. "And I'm not used to doing it all the time either. It's really stressful."
"Is that why you're not happy here?" Lu Han asks. He keeps the question casual, but it's still prying beyond the usual bounds of politeness.
The silence lasts one awkward beat too long before Minseok asks, "Who says I'm not happy?"
"I've been hearing talk," Lu Han explains. "Relax, you're not in trouble. People are just concerned. You're our guest and we don't want you to be unhappy here."
"I'm not unhappy," Minseok says, with almost believable conviction. Lu Han gives him a look, and holds it until he caves. "All right, I'm a little unhappy, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm just a long way from home and I don't speak the language well and...well, I thought you were a lot more unemotional and boring than you actually are. I was worried that I'd be stuck spending who knows how long with someone like that."
"Me too," Lu Han says, and Minseok laughs again, more quietly this time. "We have to behave when other people are around, of course, but you don't have to be so polite all the time, you know? I'd like it if we can be friends." He smiles shyly at Minseok, because the fact of the matter is that he's never had to say anything like that, with plenty of people wanting to be his friend, at least in name, but for all the wrong reasons.
"Friends?" Minseok asks, like he can't quite wrap his mind around the concept.
"Yes," Lu Han says, "friends. Even princes can have friends, can't they?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, still not sounding convinced. "Can they?"
For a moment, Lu Han's heart starts to sink, but then he notices the twinkle in Minseok's eye. His jaw drops (in that way that everyone tells him is unflattering and should be avoided at all costs), and Minseok grins, so Lu Han throws an expensive silk-covered pillow at him. "Don't make me regret this," he says.
But he doesn't, not for an instant. They have to behave themselves, of course, but they manage to talk about safe but more interesting topics during their supervised time together, and whenever Lu Han can manage it, he sneaks some private time with Minseok. They talk about sports and music and studying and family and royalty and politics, usually in Korean but with more Mandarin mixed in as Minseok's studies progress.
And when he's really sure no one is listening, Lu Han talks about how lonely it is to be the crown prince, how he's only ever really had the company of adults, most of them subservient to him. Minseok doesn't understand, but he listens and nods and doesn't offer platitudes or pity. "I guess that's why I'm here," he says. "Partly, anyway."
Lu Han nods, and then he smiles widely. "I'm glad," he says.
He worries for a moment that that's the wrong thing to say, since it's not like it was Minseok's choice to leave his home and come here, but then he smiles back and says, "Me too."
It's a few months later when Minseok asks, out of the blue, "Do you have a fiancée? Someone you're going to marry when you're old enough?" When Lu Han looks at him in surprise, he explains, "The crown prince in Korea does. That's why I wondered."
"Oh," Lu Han says. "No, I don't yet. But in a few years, probably." He shrugs disinterestedly. It's not that he doesn't ever think about it, but he's known his whole life that he'd eventually marry someone politically useful, and since he doesn't have any opportunity to date, it's not like he has other prospects. Maybe it's weird that he's not more interested in girls and dating, but it's easier for him if he's not; it's never been an option. "Do you?" he asks.
Minseok shakes his head. "I'm not important enough for that," he says dryly, "unless some other country has a princess they really want me to marry. My parents told me that as long as I find a decent girl and keep the family line going, it can be my choice who she is."
"Lucky," Lu Han says with a smile.
"Yeah," Minseok agrees, but there's something weird about the way he says it.
This conversation is threatening to get too serious, so Lu Han digs an elbow in Minseok's ribs, drawing a surprised yelp from him. They've gotten comfortable with each other over time, but touching is still pretty off limits, so it's not surprising that Minseok looks shocked. "No fair," he whines. "I can't hit back when you're the prince."
"I won't tell," Lu Han says with an impish grin, but he's still startled when Minseok promptly punches him in the shoulder, not hard enough to really hurt, but not nothing either.
"That's what you get," Minseok says, but he looks a little worried until Lu Han responds with a full-body tackle. Then he gives up on being restrained and fights back, with more strength than Lu Han would expect since he's the smaller of the two of them.
Their tussle doesn't last long, because they both still have some sense of propriety and the last thing they need is to explain an accidental injury, but they're both grinning when they pull apart. "Please never tell anyone that happened," Minseok says, unable to hide his amusement. "I'll get in so much trouble."
"Yes, how dare you touch my princely body?" Lu Han says, deadpan. "The horror."
Minseok laughs again. "You're really not at all what I expected," he says.
"You thought I'd be much more respectable?" Lu Han asks.
"Yes," Minseok says, "and also that you'd look like less of a moron when you laugh."
Lu Han hits him again, and feels very happy.
The problem with letting go around Minseok is that Lu Han gets too used to it. He's happy having someone he can talk to casually and without worrying too much about saying the wrong thing, someone who'll tell him when he's being an idiot and even hit him if Lu Han does it first and they're absolutely sure no one can see. He's done without that for more or less his whole life, but suddenly the thought of being without it makes him feel terribly sad and lonely.
"Did anyone tell you how long you're going to stay here?" Lu Han asks one day. "I couldn't get a straight answer about it."
Minseok shakes his head. "I tried asking too, but it sounds like nobody really knows. Until there's a reason for me to be back in Korea or the emperor and empress decide they don't want me here anymore. Maybe years, maybe not."
"You don't care?" Lu Han asks. He can't imagine leaving home with no idea if or when he'd be back. "Don't you miss your family?"
"I do," Minseok says. "But I'm not that homesick anymore, now that I've gotten used to being here, and anyway, I'm sure I'll be allowed to visit eventually."
"That's true," Lu Han says, even though what he really wants to say is 'Please don't leave me.'
"And you want to know a secret?" Minseok adds. "I'd miss you if I went home now." He says it in a teasing tone, but Lu Han has no reason to think he doesn't mean it.
"I guess I'm stuck with you, then," Lu Han responds with a dramatic sigh, and for the first time Minseok hits him first. Then he winces, realizing what he did, and Lu Han laughs. "I'll forgive you this time," he says in a more princely tone, "but don't make of a habit of it."
"Yes, your highness," Minseok says, bowing a little, but Lu Han can see even with him looking down that he's still smiling.
It's nearly eight months since Minseok came to the palace and all the attendants and advisors and even the emperor and empress (who inevitably did find out) have resigned themselves to Lu Han wanting and getting time alone with him. It's not quite proper, but Lu Han's tutor tells him, hiding a small smile, that everyone is pleased to see their beloved prince happy, even if it means bending the rules a little bit.
Lu Han relays that to Minseok, who smiles, embarrassed and pleased and a little mocking all at the same time. "Good," he says. "Sneaking around makes me nervous, and obviously we're not very good at it."
So Lu Han gives up on making excuses and just asks that they be left alone, and they laugh a little more carelessly than before, and they're happy. Or Lu Han is, anyway, and he hopes he's not imagining that Minseok is too.
Part 4
They meet on a message board for fans of the Korean band (if you're being charitable, or boyband if you're not) Peppermint. Minseok's username is KMS, while Lu Han is registered as Lu, allowing them to blend in with the predominantly female fanbase. It's not that they're embarrassed, but...okay, maybe it is a little embarrassing being male fans of a boyband, even if they're fans for the music and not because they're in love with the members of the group.
Once they start e-mailing privately, Lu Han thinks it's probably time to come clean lest he seem like a creeper, so he writes, Since we're off the boards now, maybe it's time for real names? My name's Lu Han, and since I don't know if you can tell from that, I should probably tell you that I'm a guy.
Minseok replies quickly with a lot of laughing emoticons. I was just worrying about coming clean and if you wouldn't want to talk to me once you found out I was a guy. I guess maybe there's a reason we started talking, huh? I'm Minseok.
With that out of the way, they quickly bond over their shared fanboy experience, learning more about each other and discovering other shared interests in between discussions of lyrics and choreography and the challenge of finding money to buy albums and goods while still in high school.
They get comfortable with each other, progressing to text messages and then Skype, even though Lu Han's spoken Korean sucks and Minseok's mother is paranoid that his online friend is secretly some kind of sexual predator. (Once Lu Han greets her over Skype in his best polite Korean, she's instantly smitten and Minseok tells him later that she couldn't shut up about how he "seems like such a nice boy." "I think she thinks you're hot," Minseok says, wrinkling his nose in distaste.)
That's the one thing they always dance around, even as they share all kinds of details of their lives. Minseok tells Lu Han about getting dragged on a double date with the painfully boring friend of his friend's crush, and Lu Han tells Minseok about awkwardly turning down the girl who confessed to him but was so nervous she couldn't look at him, but they never actually say if they're only interested in girls, or are interested in girls at all.
It's easy to make assumptions about boys who like boybands, but they don't talk about how hot their favorite members are, keeping their comments to things like, "Isn't he amazing?" And their conversations aren't full of hearts and declarations of love for each other like a lot of the girls on the message boards. They may be talking about boybands, but they talk about them like the boys they are (or so Lu Han says when Minseok jokes that maybe they don't have enough love).
Lu Han's okay with that, because he's not sure what he'd say if the topic ever did come up. His friends tease him about being gay for Peppermint, and more recently about his "Korean boyfriend," and he always insists that it's not like that, but to himself he can admit that maybe, just maybe, it is like that on both counts. He doesn't want it to be, doesn't want people to be right when they assume he's that stereotype of the cute, gay pretty boy who likes boybands and boys in general, but maybe it is.
But he never brings it up and Minseok never asks, so Lu Han continues to reject the girls who pursue him and wonder if one he can like back will ever come along or if he'll have to look elsewhere. It's fine, anyway. He has his friends and his love for Peppermint, and if their songs about love sometimes make him feel like he's missing something big, well, he's still young and he has time for all of that.
They get busy when they start their last year of high school, but they still keep in regular contact, talking each other through entrance exam panic and Lu Han's endless struggle to convince his parents to let him go to university in Korea. Lu Han's friends don't take that seriously, asking him why he would ever want to leave Beijing, and Minseok may not understand either, but at least he's supportive.
That's why when Lu Han finally finds out that he got accepted to study in Seoul and his parents cave and tell him he can go, Minseok is the first person he tells. He expresses his excitement in garbled Korean and emphatic hand gestures over Skype, and Minseok congratulates him with a big smile on his face.
"I guess this means we'll finally get to meet in person," Minseok says, grinning. "We can go to music shows and when Peppermint finally does concerts we can go and feel totally out of place together."
Lu Han laughs and then beams at him, feeling happier than he probably ever has before. "It's going to be the best."
Lu Han has never lived anywhere but Beijing, so the prospect of moving to another country, once the initial excitement passes, is more than a little terrifying. He doesn't want to admit that to his still-skeptical parents and friends, so Minseok has to talk him down a lot when he starts panicking about his ability to survive in Korea.
"Seoul isn't that scary once you get used to it," Minseok says patiently (even though he lives out in the suburbs now and will also be moving to the city for university), "and your Korean's already pretty good. And anyway, you won't be the only foreign student, so I'm sure the university will help you with stuff.
But in spite of all that, Lu Han is still more than a little nervous when he boards the plane, so he's glad to know that Minseok will be waiting for him in the airport and he won't immediately get lost or robbed blind or murdered. (There is a slight possibility that Minseok is secretly a serial killer, but Lu Han's pretty sure after all this time that he's safe.) His heart is pounding as he steps out in to the arrivals area, but he bursts out laughing when he sees a big sign with a peppermint candy on it, and his worries are temporarily forgotten as Minseok runs over and pulls him and his giant backpack into a hug.
The first thing Lu Han says when they break apart is, "You're short." Minseok laughs and punches him none-too-gently in the arm.
They're both grinning, and Lu Han thinks that texts and e-mails and even Skype can never match meeting a friend in person, especially knowing that you'll be able to do it a lot from now on. Minseok chatters the whole way into the city, talking too quickly in his excitement for Lu Han to catch everything, but he doesn't have the heart to stop him. He's too happy to care, anyway, just being here, in Korea and with Minseok.
In his first month in Korea, Lu Han realizes several things. First, that even if he can speak Korean decently, never having taken formal classes and having picked up a lot from the internet, his grammar is terrible and he has to start from the beginning even though it means wincing as his classmates fumble over extremely basic vocabulary. Second, that being able to talk about kpop in Korean doesn't mean he can do important things like order food, open a bank account, or get around the city without great difficulty.
Third and perhaps most important in the grand scheme of things, that it's a lot easier not to think about being attracted to someone when you only see them on the computer screen, and that he is, in fact, attracted to Minseok. He still doesn't really know if he likes girls most of the time or sometimes or hardly at all, but he can't deny that he does like Minseok in more than just a friendly way.
What he doesn't know is what to do about it. Minseok has new friends at his own university and Lu Han at his, but they still hang out regularly and Lu Han would hate to mess with that. He doesn't know if Minseok would react badly and it would be awful if he turned against Lu Han when he's been such a lifeline here in Korea, not to mention the only other male Peppermint fan he's ever met. Besides that, Korea is hardly the most accepting place, and it's difficult enough to be a foreigner here without being a gay foreigner.
So he resolves to keep quiet about it for now, hoping the feelings will just go away in time. If he can make himself stop feeling like this about Minseok, then everything can go back to being simple again, and he can find a girl he likes well enough and maybe finally experience love like in the songs he's listened to so many times.
Lu Han's been in Korea for five months when Peppermint announces their first solo concert tour. Lu Han hasn't had the same time to devote to them recently that he did in high school, but if there's any question that he's still a big fan, it's answered when he immediately calls Minseok after hearing the news and freaks his roommate out with his incoherent screams of excitement.
"We're going together, right?" Minseok says when they've calmed down enough for actual words. "Right? We have to."
"Of course!" Lu Han says. As if there was ever a question.
They go to the first concert of the tour in Seoul and it's amazing and everything Lu Han could have hoped for, and even better because he can share the excitement of it with Minseok. They chatter animatedly about it all through a late dinner and the trip back to Minseok's apartment. They have plans to keep their flailing alive by watching videos, but what actually happens is that as soon as they're in Minseok's room with the door closed against his mocking roommate, Minseok tugs Lu Han forward with hands fisted in his con t-shirt and kisses him.
It's a fantasy come true and at first Lu Han's too shocked to react. Then he's seized by a momentary panic, but he's still riding a post-concert adrenaline high, so he just lets go and kisses back. The kiss deepens fast, mouths opening and tongues tangling, and Minseok's never talked to Lu Han about kissing anyone, but he seems to know what he's doing and it feels good, so good.
By the time they break apart, Lu Han is feeling pleasantly dazed, but he laughs to see a similar expression on Minseok's face. Minseok licks his lips self-consciously and says, "I, uh...I wasn't planning on doing that, but I guess you didn't mind too much."
"No," Lu Han sheepishly agrees. "I didn't."
Minseok makes a face. "Look at us, making out in our sparkly boyband t-shirts. Could we be any more gay?"
"We could take them off," Lu Han says in a bedroom voice he didn't know he had.
Minseok looks surprised, to say the least, and Lu Han opens his mouth to take it back, but Minseok speaks first. "Okay. If you really want to?" He meets Lu Han's eyes and his expression says what his words don't, that he's serious about this, and Lu Han nods slowly, answering both the spoken question and the implied one.
And that's how they end up on Minseok's bed with their sparkly boyband shirts off, Lu Han's hands in Minseok's hair and Minseok's fingers dancing on the bare skin of Lu Han's back. Their touching hasn't gone any farther than that, but with the way they're pressed up against each other, kissing hard and barely even bothering to breathe, it seems likely that it will. Lu Han will probably freak out later, but right now, he can't think about anything but Minseok, his lips against Lu Han's and his hands clenched in Lu Han's hair.
Lu Han breaks first, letting out a moan that turns into "Please" at the press of Minseok's thigh between his legs.
Minseok stops kissing him and Lu Han's afraid he's gone too far, but when Minseok pulls back, his eyes are dark with want. "Can I touch you?" he asks in a low voice, shifting to lie beside Lu Han, a hand on his hip.
Lu Han nods and when Minseok doesn't move, he adds, "Yes. Please."
Minseok's eyes follow his hand as he skates his fingers across Lu Han's stomach before popping the button on his now too-tight jeans and sliding the zipper down painfully slowly. His palm settles over Lu Han's erection, just resting there, and Lu Han can't breathe. "Have you ever...?" Minseok asks slowly. "I've never touched anyone else." His cheeks are flushed and Lu Han doesn't know how much is arousal and how much is embarrassment.
"You don't have to," Lu Han says, even though he really hopes Minseok won't take him up on it.
"I want to," Minseok says almost the second the words are out of Lu Han's mouth. "If you want me to."
Lu Han thinks his feelings on the subject are pretty obvious, but he says, "Yeah," to be sure.
Finally, Minseok obliges, pulling his underwear down and wrapping a hand around Lu Han's erection, and after waiting what feels like forever, Lu Han can't be bothered about the moan that escapes him. The hungry look in Minseok's eyes tells Lu Han that he doesn't mind either. He presses a kiss to Lu Han's bare shoulder as he starts to move his hand.
It's slow, not enough, but it's good. Lu Han's never had anyone else's hand on him either, but he likes it. Minseok scoots up a bit to kiss Lu Han's mouth as he continues stroking him, even as Lu Han moans into the kiss. Lu Han's hips jerk up when he speeds up his strokes, grip tightening. He doesn't want to be too loud because Minseok's roommate is home, and in any case, it's embarrassing, but he can't help it. Minseok doesn't try to hush him, just muffles Lu Han's moans with his mouth.
It seems like they've been at this forever even though it's probably not long at all, and he's closer and closer and then just barely remembering to bite back a cry as he comes. Minseok pulls back enough to let him gasp for air, but he's still really close, and Lu Han would probably feel self-conscious if he wasn't too busy feeling good.
Minseok kisses him as he comes down, gentler now, and it's not until Lu Han turns into him and Minseok moans that he remembers Minseok hasn't been touched yet. He pulls away and Minseok gives him the cutest confused face before Lu Han says, "Your turn?"
It's awkward with Lu Han half out of his clothes, so he kicks off his pants and underwear and, when Minseok makes no move to do so himself, divests him of the rest of his clothes. He looks good naked and Lu Han is seized by the desire to taste all that exposed skin and leave a mark (which, whoa, this escalated fast), but for now, he just pulls Minseok into his lap.
They fumble a bit before they find a good position and Lu Han is able to take hold of Minseok's erection, pulling a low groan from him. His face falls into the crook of Lu Han's neck and stays like that as Lu Han strokes him, moans muffled against his skin. It's really hot and if Lu Han hadn't just come, he'd probably be getting extremely turned on by it.
As it is, it spurs him to stroke faster, wrapping his free arm around Minseok to pull him closer. He's shaking under Lu Han's touch, little shivers of pleasure that build until he arches up and moans too loud to muffle as he comes on Lu Han's stomach.
For a few moments, the only sound is Minseok's harsh breathing. Then he mumbles something that Lu Han thinks is, "Fuck," followed by, "That was not how I thought tonight would end." He sounds a little amused and a lot embarrassed, but not like he regrets it, Lu Han thinks.
"But it's okay?" He realizes he's still holding Minseok close and drops his arm, but Minseok moves back only enough to look him in the eye.
"Having our first time be after a boyband concert is really, really gay, though," Minseok says. He's trying not to smile and not quite succeeding.
"I won't tell if you don't," Lu Han says, not bothering to hide his own smile.
Minseok glances at the door, remembering too late that he has a roommate. "I think Jinki already knows, but I won't tell anyone else." Then he laughs. "I guess my mom was right about you, huh? You really did want in my pants."
Lu Han laughs too, and he's sweaty and gross and there are a lot of things to worry about, but he's had an amazing day and Minseok is grinning at him and he doesn't care about anything else.
The trouble is, there's not much that Lu Han really strongly cares about. He likes soccer and learning Korean and Peppermint, and his new university friends and his old friends in China, but he really, really likes Minseok, and that's frightening. He might even say he's in love with Minseok, but he can't be. They've only been friends for a few years, and only been more for a few weeks. People don't fall in love that fast outside of cheesy movies and romance novels.
It's not that he's not happy. He is, really, really happy whenever he's with Minseok, and even when he's not and he just thinks about Minseok. But he's overwhelmed by how happy he is, and by how much he likes, maybe loves Minseok. He says he loves Peppermint, but that's easy, loving idols he'll never really know from a safe distance away. That's not really love. Really loving someone, someone who likes (but probably doesn't yet love) you back is a lot scarier.
He wants to talk to someone about it, to ask, "Is it normal to fall this head over heels for someone you just started dating?" But it's usually Minseok he goes to to talk about the things that are embarrassing to discuss with his other friends, and Minseok is the last person he wants to ask. Besides, he's afraid he already knows the answer. He's afraid to hear that he is abnormal, in ways that have nothing to do with liking men or being a fanboy or having a strange sense of humor.
And he's afraid, too, that if having Minseok makes him this happy, not having him would crush him. He's listened to a lot of songs about love, but he's listened to a lot about heartbreak too, and he knows that the more you love, the more it can hurt later. Just thinking about losing Minseok, quite possibly as his friend too, if it came to that, is honestly terrifying.
He tries to tell himself he's being ridiculous, that he should just go with it and let himself be happy instead of worrying about what's normal or what might happen down the line. And sometimes he does, sometimes he spends time with Minseok and forgets to be anything but happy. But sometimes Minseok smiles at him and it feels like his heart will explode from all the feelings in it, and sometimes they're apart and he misses Minseok way more than he thinks he should and it just plain freaks him out.
Lu Han goes home to Beijing for two weeks in the winter, with promises he fully intends to keep to talk to Minseok online. The first day, they're both busy, but the second, there's an e-mail in his inbox from Minseok. I miss you, he's written, but there's a winking face to show he's not too serious about it. Lu Han misses him a lot already, and he thinks if he writes back, no amount of winking faces will camouflage that.
So he doesn't reply, even though he wants to, and even though he feels bad about it. He spends time with his parents and his friends and avoids his laptop, and suddenly it's been four days and there's another e-mail in his inbox. Are you alive? I didn't think anything less than death could keep you off the internet for this long.
Sorry, I've been busy, Lu Han writes back, feeling too guilty not to. I'm not dead, I promise.
Minseok replies a few hours later, just a short e-mail about what he's been doing and a link to Peppermint's Christmas message in case Lu Han missed it while he was dead. There's nothing to worry about there, but Lu Han clicks reply and then stares at the e-mail box and doesn't write anything.
Another four days pass, but this time Minseok doesn't write again. Maybe he assumes Lu Han is still busy, though he's really not. Maybe he's busy and isn't paying attention to his e-mail or how many days it's been without a reply. Maybe for him, unlike Lu Han, it's easy to go four days without talking.
That's how it starts, with little, unfounded seeds of doubt. The more intense Lu Han's feelings get, the more he finds himself doubting Minseok's, wondering if he doesn't really want this, or at least doesn't care much either way. It's stupid because Minseok is the one who started this thing between them, and because he's never hesitated to tell Lu Han before when he did something Minseok didn't like. But it's not a reasonable feeling, and so he can't turn it off.
Minseok meets him in the airport when he goes back to Korea, and he makes a joke about thinking Lu Han forgot about him, but they laugh it off and everything is fine. But then classes start up again and Lu Han keeps finding excuses not to see Minseok, studying or other plans. It's not that he doesn't want to see Minseok, quite the opposite, but it's simpler, if not actually easier, to stay away.
In Lu Han's first month back, they only hang out five times, which is nothing compared to how they were meeting almost every day before. The fifth time only happens because Minseok insists that he doesn't care if Lu Han has to study, they can both sit there with their books and not talk, and when he arrives at Lu Han's apartment, Minseok bluntly asks, "Are you avoiding me?"
"What? No!" Lu Han immediately protests, the words coming automatically even though he's aware it's a lie.
"Then what's going on? You can't suddenly be that much busier."
"My classes are getting harder, that's all." The lie is smoother than Lu Han thought it would be, but Minseok still doesn't look convinced.
"You always talked to me about stuff before," Minseok says, frowning a little. "Don't stop now just because things are different between us."
"I won't," Lu Han promises. It's another lie, but Minseok doesn't object.
They study for a while, or at least pretend to, and then they watch a movie, and then they have sex and in the heat of the moment, Lu Han can forget about all the complications. But after, when they're lying together on his bed and he never wants to leave, he can't help thinking.
Minseok has his back to him, pressed against Lu Han's chest, and like this, Lu Han could almost bring himself to ask the questions swirling around in his head, to put it all out there so he wouldn't be dealing with it alone. He could almost be brave enough, and then maybe it would be okay. But only almost, and that's not enough.
Minseok kisses him one more time before he leaves. "Call me, okay?" he says, and Lu Han tells his last lie of the night when he nods.
It's another three weeks of that before they hit the breaking point. Lu Han is home on a Saturday afternoon after he told Minseok he had plans when there's a knock on his door. He opens it, and there is an angry-looking Minseok. "Busy, huh?" he asks. Lu Han winces, caught, and steps back to let Minseok come inside.
Once the door is closed, Minseok looks right at him and says, "If you didn't want to be together, all you had to do was say so."
"What?" Lu Han asks. He's probably an idiot, because it makes sense that Minseok would think that, but it's still a shock to hear it.
"I thought at first that maybe you really were just busier," Minseok continues, unimpressed with Lu Han's reaction. "You seemed happy whenever we did manage to hang out. But it's like I have to practically beg to see you now, and whenever I say that I miss you or anything like that, you get all shifty and won't look at me." He frowns deeply, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest. "I'm sorry if I pushed you into this, but I really thought you wanted it too, and I thought we were good enough friends that you'd tell me if you didn't instead of stringing me along like this. I sure as hell didn't think you'd flat-out lie to avoid me."
Lu Han flinches at that. "I'm sorry," he says. There's so much more to be said, but he's no good with words, and he doesn't know where to begin. How can he explain that it's not that he doesn't want this, but that he wants it too much?
Minseok doesn't give him a chance to figure it out. "You know, forget it. If you don't even care enough to tell me the truth, then I guess we're not even as good friends as I thought. I'll save you the trouble of avoiding me and not call you anymore."
And just like that, he turns on his heel, and he's out the door before Lu Han can even begin to find the words to stop him.
In the days that follow, Lu Han is lost. He keeps looking at his phone and his e-mail, waiting for contact from Minseok that never comes. Sometimes he brings up Minseok's number and thinks about calling him, but in the end, he can never bring himself to do it. And somehow, the days keep passing and soon it's over two weeks since he talked to Minseok at all.
It a Thursday night when Peppermint releases a new music video teaser, and Lu Han automatically grabs his phone to ask Minseok to watch it with him before he remembers. Right then, staring at the link on his computer screen and the silent phone in his hand, is when it really sinks in, that he's screwed up everything and maybe lost Minseok entirely, and it's all he can do not to burst into tears. Instead, he throws his phone at the wall (and thankfully misses so it hits his pillow and doesn't break).
But time just keeps moving, and though he thinks a lot about Minseok, he's just too scared or too unsure of how to fix this to make a move, and before he knows it a full month has passed. It's not a good month, because even if Lu Han isn't alone, Minseok has been at the center of his life here in Seoul from the beginning and it feels empty without him. It hurts, and he can't blame anyone but himself. There's a little part of him that wants to, feels like Minseok should know him well enough to understand what he can't say, but mostly, he knows it's his mistake and his to fix or give up on.
Finally, Lu Han decides he needs to do something. He doesn't know what he'll say or if it'll do any good, but he needs to talk to Minseok and try, at least. The next weekend, he gathers up every drop of courage he has and makes his way unannounced to Minseok's apartment. His roommate answers the door, looking singularly unimpressed when he sees Lu Han. "I don't know if I should let you in."
"Please," Lu Han says, and he must sound either sincere or pathetic enough because Jinki grudgingly moves aside.
The door to Minseok's room opens as Lu Han steps inside. His expression is hard to read, but he says, "Come on," and Lu Han goes over to join him.
He sits on Minseok's bed like he has so many times before, but Minseok sits at his desk instead of next to him. He waits silently until Lu Han says, "I'm sorry. About everything."
Silence. When Lu Han doesn't continue after a while, Minseok says, "And?"
"And I want to explain, but I just, I'm not..." He sighs. "I'm not good at this. Words. Especially Korean words, but it's just hard to talk about things."
"Yeah, well, sometimes you have to," Minseok says, unsympathetic.
"I know," Lu Han says, hanging his head. "I shouldn't have avoided you like that. I should've told you the truth."
"And what is the truth?"
Lu Han is this close to saying everything he's been thinking about the last few months, spilling out all his feelings for Minseok and seeing what comes of it. He opens his mouth and what comes out is, "I think it's better if we're friends. Just friends. We're really good as friends."
He tries not to see the way Minseok's face falls. "Oh," he says in a small voice. "Okay."
"I really like you," Lu Han continues, ignoring the voice in his head screaming, What are you doing?! "But it's just...not good like that. If you still want to, if you don't hate me, I'd like to be friends."
Minseok presses his lips together, taking a deep breath in and out. "I'm still kind of pissed off at you," he says slowly, considering. "And I'm not..." He trails off, frowning. "But I miss you. And if that's what you really want, then okay. Let's try to be friends again."
"Really?" In spite of his frustration with himself and this whole mess, Lu Han can't help being excited. He's missed Minseok enough that being just friends sounds wonderful, compared to being nothing.
"Yeah." Then Minseok gives a wry little smile. "But you've got some groveling to do to make it up to me."
And this isn't what he wanted, but seeing Minseok smiling at him for the first time in too long and being able to smile back without being afraid of losing at him, Lu Han is happy all the same.
They do stay friends, in spite of the occasional awkwardness, and it's more like a sad love song than the ones Lu Han really likes, but at least he doesn't have to be afraid of losing Minseok completely. It's not until their last year of university with graduation approaching frighteningly fast that Lu Han is brave enough or grown up enough or maybe just too panicked about the future to worry about anything else and he decides to tell Minseok the truth about what happened before, and about his real feelings.
Even then, he has to get pretty drunk before he can convince himself to sit down too close to Minseok and ask, "Can I talk to you?" They're in Minseok's apartment, so they go into his bedroom, and his friends know better than to say anything.
"What is it?" Minseok asks warily. He's drunk too, but not so drunk that he can't tell something's going on.
"I need to tell you something," Lu Han starts, hoping his mouth won't betray him like it did before. He doesn't have a clue what will happen if he tells Minseok everything, but after so long, he owes it to both of them. "Something I probably should've told you a long time ago. Do you remember...when I said we should stay friends?"
Minseok's laugh is just this side of bitter. "Of course I remember."
"I lied," Lu Han says. He's surprised at how easily it comes out. "I didn't want to, but I tried to tell you the truth and I couldn't."
"What do you mean?" Minseok is tense, uncomfortable, and it makes Lu Han feel guilty.
"I didn't want to be friends. Not just friends. That's not why I avoided you. I did it because I was really...crazy about you. I liked you too much and I freaked out. And I wanted to tell you, but I got too scared and I didn't." He doesn't look at Minseok as he speaks, because it's hard enough to say this as it is. When he finally finishes, he raises his eyes, and Minseok looks...angry. This isn't good.
"What the hell?" he says. He's not yelling, but he's clearly not happy. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"I..." It's a valid point, one he's tried to avoid thinking too hard about. "I didn't like having that secret between us. And I guess I thought maybe..."
"Oh, fuck that," Minseok says, a lot more harshly than Lu Han's expecting. "Fuck you. You don't get to tell me you're not interested and I need to get over you so we can be friends again and then suddenly decide years later that you changed your mind."
"I-I'm sorry," Lu Han stammers. Maybe he should've see this coming, Minseok's anger, but he's taken aback all the same. He didn't necessarily expect Minseok to fall into his arms, but he didn't think he'd be this mad.
"You should be," Minseok snaps. "I was so happy when we got together, and then all of a sudden you went, 'Oops, just kidding' and I thought I'd screwed it up somehow. I didn't want to lose you so I said okay to being just friends, but it hurt, and now you're telling me it was just because you couldn't deal with your feelings and couldn't even tell me that?"
"I'm really sorry," Lu Han says, wishing he'd never said anything at all.
"If you thought I was just going to let it go and fall madly in love with you, you can forget it." Minseok's tone is still sharp, but his anger already seems to be fading. "You told me to get over you, and so I did. We can't go back."
Lu Han's heart sinks. He should have seen it coming, and he has no one to blame but himself, but it still hurts. "I understand," he says quietly. "I'm sorry I messed it up for both of us. I just didn't want to lie to you anymore."
"Well, never fucking do it again," Minseok says, emphasizing each word. He stops and rubs a hand over his face, but when he looks up, he smiles. "We made it this far, right? So let's stay friends after we graduate, and whatever happens."
"I can do that," Lu Han says, returning the smile. He does, and they do stay friends, but never again anything more.
10
It's a freezing cold night after a relatively warm day, and the roads are covered with ice. Minseok would rather be safe at home, but he has to get there first, so he has no choice but to drive in these conditions. He goes slowly and cautiously and it's scary, but it seems like he'll be all right.
Then there's a sharp curve, and maybe he takes it a little too fast or maybe the conditions are just too bad, but he skids on ice and loses control. It all happens so fast that he barely has time to register bright lights coming straight at him before there's an explosion of pain and then everything goes dark.
He wakes up in a hospital, his mind fuzzy with painkillers and maybe more. His mother is sitting by his bed and her eyes are red, tear tracks still drying on her cheeks. "You're awake!" she gasps when she notices, fresh tears welling up in her eyes.
"What happened?" he asks.
He's not in great shape, so it's not until three days later when the doctors are pretty sure that there's nothing wrong with his brain that they tell him about the other driver, who didn't survive the crash. "The police have ruled it an accident. It's not your fault," his mother tells him, as if that will erase the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
The dead man's name is Lu Han, and the grainy picture in the newspaper shows a smiling guy who looks young but is apparently the same age as Minseok. His death is only worth two sentences in the paper, along with one about the unnamed other driver who was seriously injured but survived. Nothing about what kind of person he was or why he was out on the streets that night or what made him smile like he is in that picture.
Minseok cuts out the article and keeps it for the rest of his life, but he doesn't need to because he never forgets that name or that forever unchanging smile.
11
Prince Lu Han is sixteen when they tell him he's to have a new companion. He's from Korea and he's not royalty, but he's the kind of nobility that's close to it. "His grandfather was the cousin of the previous king," Lu Han's tutor explains. "That makes him too far down the line of succession to have any power, but he's still politically significant. We should all do our best to impress him." There is an implied "and not to offend him" at the end of that sentence, even though Lu Han has outgrown the wild days of his youth when he would occasionally forget himself and laugh at visiting dignitaries.
There's a month of preparation in which Lu Han brushes up on Korean language and culture. He asks everyone who might know to tell him more about the Korean boy (Man? The empress is always telling Lu Han that he's not a child anymore) who'll be coming to the palace, but all anyone can tell him is his relationship to the king and that he's the same age as Lu Han, nothing about his personality or his interests.
He finds himself nervous but also eager. He's always been lonely, here in the palace. He has no brothers or sisters, and when your parents are the emperor and empress of China, you don't get to spend much time with them. He's had the occasional playmate, cousins or the children of nobles in favor with the Emperor, but no one ever stayed for long, and even when he did have company, he had to keep an appropriate polite distance between them or risk getting scolded. A prince may have friends, if he's lucky, but not the kind of close friends that commoners have. No one is allowed to be that familiar with him.
There's no reason to believe things will be any different just because his new companion is a Korean noble, but he doesn't even need a playmate now. He'd settle for someone to talk to who isn't a servant or his tutor, even if it's only about impersonal topics like the weather and Korean traditions.
Kim Minseok arrives with all the fanfare due a visiting noble. He's dressed in a well-tailored hanbok, but somehow it seems to dwarf him, which Lu Han thinks is adorable. He's good looking, in Lu Han's opinion, but in an interesting sort of way, not like Korea's crown prince with his perfect but bland face. He bows politely, and Lu Han bows back, but not too low. Their eyes don't meet, but Lu Han doesn't mind too much. They'll have time for real introductions later, when fewer eyes are watching them.
Lu Han says the polite words he's rehearsed in Korean and Minseok gives his thanks but doesn't smile. That's no surprise, given that Lu Han's own expression has been carefully neutral the whole time. They're both well-trained, it seems, though he thinks he catches a hint of nervousness in the Korean visitor's tense posture.
He's definitely nervous later when he sits down for a meal with the royal family and a few favored nobles, stumbling over his Mandarin and trying not to look embarrassed about it. The emperor and empress ask him a few questions before beginning to talk business with the nobles, as is usually the case in these dinners. Lu Han sits quietly unless spoken to, as usual, and Minseok seems relieved to do the same.
After dinner, Lu Han hurries back to his chambers (in a calm and dignified manner, of course) where he's supposed to have a more private audience with Minseok. He shows up after fifteen minutes, still in his formal attire, and Lu Han greets him in slightly less formal but still very polite Korean.
"I'm grateful that you speak to me in my language," Minseok tells him. "I apologize that I can't speak yours equally well."
Lu Han politely brushes off the compliment, but on the inside he's pleased. He's worked hard to learn all the languages it was deemed important for him to know, but Korean is his favorite, and it's rare that he gets a chance to speak it with anyone but his tutor.
Once they've exchanged greetings, Lu Han invites him to sit down, and Minseok looks relieved. He's probably tired, traveling from Korea and having to walk around in bulky traditional garments. "Did you have a pleasant trip?" Lu Han asks.
"Yes, of course." Even though he's sitting down, Minseok's speech is no more relaxed. "I was well taken care of."
"I've always wanted to travel to Korea," Lu Han says, and Minseok looks surprised at the admission before he covers it up.
"I hope you have the chance someday," he says. "It's a beautiful country, in my biased opinion."
They talk for a while, all about shallow topics like travel and the Korean language. It's boring, but Lu Han can't risk offending him on their first meeting. "I'm sorry," Minseok says after a while, when there's a lull in the conversation. "I know how to address the crown prince of Korea and the proper title for you in Mandarin, but I'm not sure what to call you when we're speaking Korean."
Lu Han doesn't know either, and it makes him want to laugh because so much about their interaction was planned for, but not something as simple as that. He wants to tell Minseok to just use his name, but that won't do when there are servants around. "I don't know," he admits sheepishly, and a tiny burst of laughter escapes Minseok before he can stop himself. "I'll have to get back to you about that."
"I understand," Minseok says, struggling to hide his amusement. "Thank you."
The rest of their conversation is unremarkable, and soon Minseok goes back to his quarters, leaving Lu Han to his thoughts. He doesn't know what to make of Minseok because it's almost impossible to read personality into a stiff conversation like the one they had, but the laugh intrigues him. If Minseok is not so well-trained that he doesn't still laugh, even when he shouldn't, then maybe there's a chance they can break past those barriers of formality and be at least something approaching friends.
For two weeks, they continue with those kinds of conversations, along with the occasional walk around the palace while discussing its history and architecture. Lu Han is bored out of his mind and he really wants to venture beyond that, but he's nervous. He knows perfectly well that Minseok isn't just here to keep a lonely prince company. His presence is political, a way to demonstrate cooperation and friendship between their two countries. If he does anything to offend Minseok or his entourage, it'll reflect badly not just on him but on the emperor and empress and the entire country. He doesn't think he'll cause an international incident by asking Minseok what he likes to do for fun, but any kind of more casual interaction carries risks.
Then his tutor (who's been teaching him for so many years that he's allowed to be a little forward with Lu Han) tells him, "I've been hearing talk that our Korean visitor seems unhappy."
"Unhappy?" Lu Han asks, surprised. Minseok hasn't shown any indication of that in the time they spend together, but that means nothing. Lu Han should know; he's kept a polite smile on his face many times despite being sad or sick or angry.
"Perhaps he's homesick," his tutor suggests. "He struggles with our language, and of course there are cultural differences."
"I see." Lu Han frowns. Though Minseok isn't entirely his responsibility, he is officially Lu Han's guest more than anyone else's, and if he wants people to take him seriously as an adult, he can't mess up something as simple as keeping a guest happy. "I'll talk to him."
He has lunch with Minseok after his morning lessons, but there are too many servants involved in that for him to feel comfortable asking anything about how he's doing. He waits until they're finished eating and then plasters on his best polished but meaningless princely smile before saying, "If you have a moment to spare to come into my room, I have a book I'd like to show you."
Minseok looks bemused, as do all the attendants, but he smiles politely in response and says, "Of course."
Lu Han leads him into the other room, closing the door in the face of their still perplexed attendants, and Minseok's neutral expression falters as confusion flashes over his face. "Sorry about that," Lu Han tells him. "I just wanted to talk alone for once." He turns his best princely smile on Minseok, the sweet one he knows has girls all over the country falling for him, which only seems to confuse him more.
"I'm really tired of talking about the weather and about how fascinating Chinese traditions are," Lu Han continues, plopping indelicately down on the edge of his bed. "Do you like soccer?"
"Soccer?" Minseok echoes. He's still standing stiffly like he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"The sport where people kick a ball around and try to get into the goal?" Minseok's eyes go wide at his sarcastic tone, and then, suddenly, he bursts out laughing. He stops quickly, though; there are people right outside the door who are sure to hear that. "Don't look so surprised," Lu Han tells him. "Even princes can be sarcastic."
"And here I thought you were one of those noble types who's always polite and never has an opinion about anything." Minseok still looks dazed, and after he finishes speaking he looks worried, like he's realized too late that he's being too informal with the crown prince.
"I'm supposed to be," Lu Han says, "but I'm not very good at it." He can look like the perfect prince, and as long as everything he's saying is planned and rehearsed, he can even sound like it, but as soon as he's left to his own devices, he tends to say something stupid or put his foot in his mouth or laugh inappropriately all too quickly. It's a miracle that he's managed to avoid it with Minseok during the last two weeks.
"Me neither," Minseok admits. "And I'm not used to doing it all the time either. It's really stressful."
"Is that why you're not happy here?" Lu Han asks. He keeps the question casual, but it's still prying beyond the usual bounds of politeness.
The silence lasts one awkward beat too long before Minseok asks, "Who says I'm not happy?"
"I've been hearing talk," Lu Han explains. "Relax, you're not in trouble. People are just concerned. You're our guest and we don't want you to be unhappy here."
"I'm not unhappy," Minseok says, with almost believable conviction. Lu Han gives him a look, and holds it until he caves. "All right, I'm a little unhappy, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm just a long way from home and I don't speak the language well and...well, I thought you were a lot more unemotional and boring than you actually are. I was worried that I'd be stuck spending who knows how long with someone like that."
"Me too," Lu Han says, and Minseok laughs again, more quietly this time. "We have to behave when other people are around, of course, but you don't have to be so polite all the time, you know? I'd like it if we can be friends." He smiles shyly at Minseok, because the fact of the matter is that he's never had to say anything like that, with plenty of people wanting to be his friend, at least in name, but for all the wrong reasons.
"Friends?" Minseok asks, like he can't quite wrap his mind around the concept.
"Yes," Lu Han says, "friends. Even princes can have friends, can't they?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, still not sounding convinced. "Can they?"
For a moment, Lu Han's heart starts to sink, but then he notices the twinkle in Minseok's eye. His jaw drops (in that way that everyone tells him is unflattering and should be avoided at all costs), and Minseok grins, so Lu Han throws an expensive silk-covered pillow at him. "Don't make me regret this," he says.
But he doesn't, not for an instant. They have to behave themselves, of course, but they manage to talk about safe but more interesting topics during their supervised time together, and whenever Lu Han can manage it, he sneaks some private time with Minseok. They talk about sports and music and studying and family and royalty and politics, usually in Korean but with more Mandarin mixed in as Minseok's studies progress.
And when he's really sure no one is listening, Lu Han talks about how lonely it is to be the crown prince, how he's only ever really had the company of adults, most of them subservient to him. Minseok doesn't understand, but he listens and nods and doesn't offer platitudes or pity. "I guess that's why I'm here," he says. "Partly, anyway."
Lu Han nods, and then he smiles widely. "I'm glad," he says.
He worries for a moment that that's the wrong thing to say, since it's not like it was Minseok's choice to leave his home and come here, but then he smiles back and says, "Me too."
It's a few months later when Minseok asks, out of the blue, "Do you have a fiancée? Someone you're going to marry when you're old enough?" When Lu Han looks at him in surprise, he explains, "The crown prince in Korea does. That's why I wondered."
"Oh," Lu Han says. "No, I don't yet. But in a few years, probably." He shrugs disinterestedly. It's not that he doesn't ever think about it, but he's known his whole life that he'd eventually marry someone politically useful, and since he doesn't have any opportunity to date, it's not like he has other prospects. Maybe it's weird that he's not more interested in girls and dating, but it's easier for him if he's not; it's never been an option. "Do you?" he asks.
Minseok shakes his head. "I'm not important enough for that," he says dryly, "unless some other country has a princess they really want me to marry. My parents told me that as long as I find a decent girl and keep the family line going, it can be my choice who she is."
"Lucky," Lu Han says with a smile.
"Yeah," Minseok agrees, but there's something weird about the way he says it.
This conversation is threatening to get too serious, so Lu Han digs an elbow in Minseok's ribs, drawing a surprised yelp from him. They've gotten comfortable with each other over time, but touching is still pretty off limits, so it's not surprising that Minseok looks shocked. "No fair," he whines. "I can't hit back when you're the prince."
"I won't tell," Lu Han says with an impish grin, but he's still startled when Minseok promptly punches him in the shoulder, not hard enough to really hurt, but not nothing either.
"That's what you get," Minseok says, but he looks a little worried until Lu Han responds with a full-body tackle. Then he gives up on being restrained and fights back, with more strength than Lu Han would expect since he's the smaller of the two of them.
Their tussle doesn't last long, because they both still have some sense of propriety and the last thing they need is to explain an accidental injury, but they're both grinning when they pull apart. "Please never tell anyone that happened," Minseok says, unable to hide his amusement. "I'll get in so much trouble."
"Yes, how dare you touch my princely body?" Lu Han says, deadpan. "The horror."
Minseok laughs again. "You're really not at all what I expected," he says.
"You thought I'd be much more respectable?" Lu Han asks.
"Yes," Minseok says, "and also that you'd look like less of a moron when you laugh."
Lu Han hits him again, and feels very happy.
The problem with letting go around Minseok is that Lu Han gets too used to it. He's happy having someone he can talk to casually and without worrying too much about saying the wrong thing, someone who'll tell him when he's being an idiot and even hit him if Lu Han does it first and they're absolutely sure no one can see. He's done without that for more or less his whole life, but suddenly the thought of being without it makes him feel terribly sad and lonely.
"Did anyone tell you how long you're going to stay here?" Lu Han asks one day. "I couldn't get a straight answer about it."
Minseok shakes his head. "I tried asking too, but it sounds like nobody really knows. Until there's a reason for me to be back in Korea or the emperor and empress decide they don't want me here anymore. Maybe years, maybe not."
"You don't care?" Lu Han asks. He can't imagine leaving home with no idea if or when he'd be back. "Don't you miss your family?"
"I do," Minseok says. "But I'm not that homesick anymore, now that I've gotten used to being here, and anyway, I'm sure I'll be allowed to visit eventually."
"That's true," Lu Han says, even though what he really wants to say is 'Please don't leave me.'
"And you want to know a secret?" Minseok adds. "I'd miss you if I went home now." He says it in a teasing tone, but Lu Han has no reason to think he doesn't mean it.
"I guess I'm stuck with you, then," Lu Han responds with a dramatic sigh, and for the first time Minseok hits him first. Then he winces, realizing what he did, and Lu Han laughs. "I'll forgive you this time," he says in a more princely tone, "but don't make of a habit of it."
"Yes, your highness," Minseok says, bowing a little, but Lu Han can see even with him looking down that he's still smiling.
It's nearly eight months since Minseok came to the palace and all the attendants and advisors and even the emperor and empress (who inevitably did find out) have resigned themselves to Lu Han wanting and getting time alone with him. It's not quite proper, but Lu Han's tutor tells him, hiding a small smile, that everyone is pleased to see their beloved prince happy, even if it means bending the rules a little bit.
Lu Han relays that to Minseok, who smiles, embarrassed and pleased and a little mocking all at the same time. "Good," he says. "Sneaking around makes me nervous, and obviously we're not very good at it."
So Lu Han gives up on making excuses and just asks that they be left alone, and they laugh a little more carelessly than before, and they're happy. Or Lu Han is, anyway, and he hopes he's not imagining that Minseok is too.
Part 4
