(no subject)

[sparklepox]

Title: Take Flight
Pairing: Lu Han/Jongdae
Rating: R
Word Count: 18,924 words
Warnings: (highlight to read because spoilers) pre-fic minor (EXO) character death, description of burns and scarring, scarring-related body image issues, somewhat handwavey medical stuff
Summary: Trainee Lu Han has lost his confidence. Can a mysterious stranger named Jongdae help him find the courage he needs to make it to debut?
Author's Notes: Thanks to Lonio for many things, to Ash for singing technobabble, and to the probably too many other people I bothered about this fic over the year and a half plus it took me to write it. Inspired by and title taken from Phantom of the Opera.


"Stop stop stop!" the voice teacher yells, loud enough to make Lu Han jump, breaking off his singing in the middle of a line. "You're off and you know it. Enough. We're not getting anywhere."

"I'm sorry." Lu Han bows his head apologetically and doesn't raise it after. He has a lot to apologize for; this is far from the first time he's screwed up like this, his voice failing him under pressure.

"You're always sorry," the teacher snaps "Being sorry doesn't change anything. Listen, kid, you've got what we're looking for now and we want to make something of you, but you could be the most amazing singer the world has ever seen and it wouldn't be enough if you choke when it matters. You're not even on stage. There's no reason for you to be missing notes and singing in that wimpy little voice. Where's your confidence? You won't get anywhere in this business without it."

"I'm sorry," is all Lu Han can come up with to say, knowing it's woefully inadequate. He doesn't know why he's like this or what to do about it. If he did, he'd have fixed it already.

"Go home. Come back when you're ready to show me what you're really capable of."

Lu Han could go home, but "home" is the trainee dorms, full of people who are friends but also competitors. They support each other, but he can't help feeling like they wouldn't entirely mind seeing him stumble. Lu Han's gotten lucky, getting pulled off the street and coming into favor by virtue of having a pretty face and a better-than-average voice and being Chinese when SM is looking to get into that market more, but he could just as easily fall out of favor and lose what could be his only chance at debut. If that happens, he can't count on many people to care.

So instead of going home, he goes up the stairs and down a long hallway to a part of the building no one bothers with, opening the door to a small room and flicking on the lights. It's not often that Lu Han wants to be alone, but when he does, he comes here, where he can sing or dance or lie down on the floor and mope and no one will judge him. Usually he sings, alone or with his mp3 player. It's easy with no one listening, his voice coming out clear and strong when he's not worrying about being perfectly on pitch or having no mistakes in his Korean pronunciation.

If he could just do that all the time, in voice lessons and in front of important people and eventually on stage, he'd be good enough. Not the best, he knows, but good enough. But he psychs himself out, and the more he screws up, the more it chips away at his confidence, so it's only getting worse as time goes on. He's getting scared, really scared that he's running out of time to prove himself. He's nowhere near irreplaceable.

For now, he pushes all that out of his mind as he drops his bag by the door and stands in the middle of the room. Closing his eyes, he starts to sing, and the sound rings out the way it only does when he's relaxed and comfortable. He really does love to sing, on some basic level that preceded all his idol dreams. It feels good and it makes him happy and he doesn't understand why the pressure of being an idol trainee is making those feelings slip out of his grasp. He doesn't want to lose them.

It's not until he opens his eyes in the middle of the second chorus that he realizes he's not alone in the room, and he breaks off mid-note. The door is closed, but there's a man standing just in front of it. He's wearing a baseball cap and a mask, a black one with a skull on it. It's not unusual attire in this building, but it catches Lu Han off guard. Two out of the three lights in the room have been burned out for months and the poor lighting casts ominous shadows on his face.

"S-sorry," Lu Han stammers, startled to see someone here and even more so to see someone looking like that. "There's usually no one here, so I..."

The man (boy?) seems to be looking at him, but Lu Han can barely make out his eyes under the brim of the cap, so it's hard to tell. "You're good," he declares, his cheerful voice in stark contrast to his appearance. When surprise twists Lu Han's face into one of those expressions everyone laughs at him for, he chuckles. "I guess we've missed each other before because I come here a lot and I've never run into anyone either."

"I see," Lu Han says, not knowing how else to respond.

"What's your name?" the man asks.

"Lu Han. Nice to meet you."

You too. Is that...?"

"Chinese." Lu Han's had this conversation more than enough times to know what the question is without him finishing.

He's gotten a huge range of responses to that, from bizarre excitement to judgment to instant dismissal, but this man only says, "Huh. Cool." Then, "I'm Jongdae. That's Korean." That surprises a laugh out of Lu Han. "Really, though," Jongdae continues when Lu Han goes quiet, "you're good."

"It doesn't matter if I'm good if I can't do it in front of people," Lu Han mutters. He shouldn't, because it's not safe to show weakness in this building, especially to a stranger, but the words are out before he can stop them.

"Stage fright?" Jongdae asks.

"Something like that." Right now, he doesn't even need to get on stage to screw everything up.

There's silence just long enough to make Lu Han fervently wish he hadn't confessed. He can't see enough of Jongdae's face to gauge his reaction, but past experience makes Lu Han assume he's being judged. He's waiting for mocking, but when Jongdae does speak, he only says, "I could teach you."

"Teach me?" Lu Han echoes, confused.

"Yeah. You can already sing, but it sounds like you need to learn confidence. You need to be a little cocky to be a singer idol-style, you know, or at least really good at faking it."

"And you can teach me that?" Lu Han doesn't try to keep the skepticism out of his voice. If confidence could be taught that easily, he's sure SM would have lessons in it.

Jongdae looks him up and down, considering. "I can," he concludes. "You've got..." He waves a vague hand in Lu Han's direction. "Something. I think you can learn."

"What makes you so qualified to teach me confidence?" Lu Han asks. He's learned things from his fellow trainees before, but if Jongdae's really that good, surely Lu Han would've heard his name before. He hasn't even seen him in lessons.

If Jongdae takes offense to the question, he doesn't show it. Instead, he laughs. "I happen to think very highly of myself." Lu Han has to laugh at that, but it doesn't answer his question. "I'm not promising miracles," Jongdae adds more seriously. "I don't even know you, but...you really like to sing, don't you?" Lu Han nods, wondering what Jongdae saw in his expression when he came into the room that told him that. "That's enough for me."

It doesn't make sense to Lu Han, but it's more than anyone has offered him in a long time, his teachers fed up with his mistakes, his trainee friends caught up in their own struggles, his family and friends on the outside not understanding. He can't seem to help himself, so he'd be foolish not to accept whatever outside help he can get. At worst, he'll learn nothing. Jongdae's made him laugh a few times already, so it doesn't seem like it'll be a hardship to spend more time with him.

"Okay," he agrees, bobbing his head politely to Jongdae. "Please take care of me."

They don't do much that day. Jongdae insists Lu Han finish the song he stopped in the middle of, and another after that, and Lu Han doesn't screw up as much as in front of real teachers, but he doesn't sound like he did when he thought no one was listening either. When he finishes the second song, Jongdae studies him for one long moment, his expression impossible to read with the hat and mask still on. "I'll be right back," he says, then abruptly leaves the room.

Lu Han wonders if he's running away, but he comes back a couple of minutes later with two bottles of juice, tossing one to Lu Han. "You could've told me that's where you were going so I didn't have to worry," Lu Han grumbles.

"I had to let you stew a little." He can't see Jongdae's smile, but he can hear it in his gently teasing tone. Jongdae sits down on the floor and opens his juice, so Lu Han joins him.

"Is this part of my lesson too?" Lu Han asks. He opens his bottle and takes a drink, and the cool liquid feels good after singing.

Jongdae fiddles with the cap on his bottle but doesn't drink. "Not really, but I thought we should talk a little. Did something happen today?"

Lu Han bites his lip and studies his hands. "I had a voice lesson, but the teacher cut it short because I couldn't do anything right." It feels weird to be telling this to a near stranger, but at the same time, he wants to get it out.

"Any reason?" Jongdae asks.

Lu Han shakes his head. "It's been happening a lot. I was okay when I first started training, but as soon as people started expecting more from me, I got nervous and choked. And..." There are lots of other things he could talk about—the angry lectures from teachers, the mocking from other trainees, the bullying that all foreign trainees have to deal with—but he's not ready to share that. "There's just a lot of pressure, you know?" he finishes.

Jongdae nods slowly. "I know how that is. But do you still want to do this?"

It's a good question, cutting right to the heart of the matter, and as frustrated as he is with everything, Lu Han is still sure of his answer. "I do. I really do."

"Good," Jongdae says, clapping him on the back. "Then let's make it happen."


♪ ♪ ♪

It doesn't make sense, the more Lu Han thinks about it, a stranger offering to help him out of nowhere. It's one thing for SM's teachers and managers to want to mold him into a future star who'll bring in good money for them. It's another thing for a fellow trainee to go out of his way to help Lu Han. His friends give him pointers sometimes, when they practice together, but Lu Han does the same for them, and they only go so far, aware that they're in competition. Jongdae seems to be prepared to do a lot and ask for nothing in return, and that makes Lu Han wary.

He doesn't say anything about it the first time, but he does when they meet in that room a second time, this meeting planned. Lu Han arrives first, Jongdae a minute later. As soon as they've said hello, Lu Han says, "I want to ask you something. Why are you doing this?"

Jongdae goes still, but he's wearing a different hat and the same skull mask and Lu Han can't see his expression at all. "Would you believe I'm just a nice guy?" he offers, not sounding like he expects Lu Han to accept that answer.

"So nice that you want to help a complete stranger? People here don't want to do that, not when we're all up against each other."

Jongdae flinches, visible in his body language even without seeing his face, and Lu Han can't understand why. He's quiet for so long Lu Han isn't sure he's going to answer, but finally he says, soft, "Like I said, you like to sing, and that's enough for me. That's...it's good for me to see. And it's good for me to be able to help someone." Then he laughs, a little too abrupt and loud to be genuine. "But I really am a nice guy. Surely you don't think everyone here is just waiting to stab you in the back."

"No, of course not." Lu Han's still skeptical, but it's clear he's not going to get much more out of Jongdae. It's a little worrying, but he can't see the harm in spending a couple of hours a week together. At worst, he'll waste a couple of hours that could be spent on other practice. What could Jongdae do to hurt him?

"Good," Jongdae declares, back to the outspoken confidence Lu Han remembers from last time. "Then let's get to work."

He has Lu Han sing again, and it's not terrible, not as bad as when he's with the voice teachers, but not great either, his voice coming out smaller than he knows it can be and wavering on the sustained notes. For three songs, Jongdae hardly says anything, and it's impossible to read his reaction with his face nearly covered. Lu Han gets more and more nervous, and by the end of the third song, he just sounds pathetic.

Finally, Jongdae says, "You don't have to worry so much about impressing me. I'm not in charge here."

Lu Han frowns, annoyed with himself for being so nervous when Jongdae's opinion shouldn't matter that much. "I know, but it still feels like I have to make a good impression on everyone. People are just waiting to judge."

"Who cares?" It's so flippant it makes Lu Han more annoyed, but then Jongdae laughs and continues dryly, "I know it's not that simple, but it really doesn't matter what other trainees think. Besides, showing weakness just makes it worse. You know you can sing, right?"

"Yes, but—" Lu Han starts, but Jongdae cuts him off.

"But nothing. Sing like you know you can do it. Don't let other people get into your head."

It's easier said than done, but Lu Han tries. He does know he can sing, not as well as some people, but better than a lot. He never doubted himself so much before he started training here. He's still far from perfect, but his voice seems a little stronger this time, a little steadier. It doesn't mean much when he's only singing to a single person, but it's a start.

"Better," Jongdae says. He sounds pleased, like he's genuinely happy about it even though he has no reason to care about Lu Han's tiny victory. "See? You're not hopeless."

"Gee, thanks," Lu Han says, but he has to laugh. He barely knows Jongdae, but the atmosphere is comfortable between them.

Jongdae makes him sing two more songs, not commenting on Lu Han's singing but instead on his breathing, his posture ("Why are you trying to shrink when you're not that tall in the first place?"), the way he's standing. Lu Han's heard most of it before, but if Jongdae's picking up on it, it seems he needs to be reminded. He has a tendency to curl in on himself, and that's not going to help his singing or his attempts to appear confident even if he's not inside.

Finally, Jongdae says they should take a break. Lu Han goes to buy them drinks this time, and Jongdae accepts the bottle with a thank you but doesn't open it. Instead, he says, "So tell me about yourself. How'd you end up here?"

Lu Han tells him about falling in love with kpop in Beijing, and about coming to Korea to study and getting scouted. He doesn't tell Jongdae about training because it seems like he already knows about it, but he does tell him about the special classes and the whispers of a group aimed at the Chinese market, and about his parents who try to be supportive but don't hide their skepticism, always asking if he really thinks all this hard work will lead anywhere and if he's sure he doesn't want to come home and do something more respectable.

He tries to ask questions too, but Jongdae is strangely reticent when it comes to talking about himself. Lu Han learns that he's from Gyeonggi-do but living in Seoul, though not in the trainee dorms, but that, his name and his age are all the personal details Jongdae is willing to share. He's very adept at turning any questions around on Lu Han, and Lu Han, never one to pry, quickly gives up.

It doesn't matter much, anyway. Jongdae is easy to talk to and appears interested in what Lu Han has to say, laughing when he says something silly, but not at his accent or his worries. He's happy to talk about music, and it's clear he loves it as much as Lu Han does. If nothing else, that's nice, to talk about their favorite songs and remind Lu Han of why he got into this in the first place.



It's the same the next time they meet, Lu Han singing and Jongdae commenting, pestering him to stand straight and "look around like you own the place," making him laugh when he gets too tense. Lu Han's not sure how much he's getting out of it, but it's a nice change of pace, and Jongdae, despite his secretiveness, is good company. It's nice just to feel like he's making a new friend, a friend who's supporting him when he really needs it.

At first, Lu Han doesn't think much of Jongdae wearing that hat and mask the whole time they're together. It's a little weird, sure, but he's met people like that, who think that having a "signature look" makes them cooler. Jongdae doesn't strike him as that kind of person, but maybe the image he wants to cultivate is different from the way he is with Lu Han. That's the kind of thing that happens when you're surrounded by idol trainees, all fighting to get noticed even if it means being someone other than themselves. Lu Han's almost used to it by now.

But on their fourth meeting, Lu Han opens the door to the usual room to find Jongdae singing. It's funny that he's been trusting Jongdae to help him with his own singing when he doesn't even know that he's any good, but hearing him now, any doubts he might have had are instantly erased. Jongdae is singing a song Lu Han recognizes but doesn't know the name of, loud and strong, climbing up to hit high notes not just anyone can reach. He's not perfect, but he has the kind of voice that commands attention, the kind Lu Han doesn't think any amount of training and confidence could give him.

Jongdae has his back to the door and he doesn't seem to notice Lu Han coming in, belting out the final chorus with a fine dramatic flair. "You're good," Lu Han tells him, remembering their first conversation. Good is an understatement, he thinks. How has he never seen Jongdae in vocal lessons with the singers the company hopes to make something of?

Whatever reaction Lu Han's expecting, it's not for Jongdae to jump a mile and bring his hands up to frantically fumble around his face. It's not until he turns around that Lu Han realizes he was pulling his mask up. "Don't do that!" he snaps. He's hasn't been anything but nice to Lu Han until now, at worst a little mocking, so the harshness of his words is shocking.

"Do what?" Lu Han asks, confused, as Jongdae tugs his cap lower, shadowing his eyes. It makes Lu Han realize he's never seen them clearly.

"Surprise me." Jongdae still sounds upset out of proportion to what happened, and Lu Han can't understand why.

"Sorry. I was just...sorry." He wants to ask what's wrong, but the frustrated anger in Jongdae's voice scares him. He likes Jongdae, and likes that he has faith in Lu Han when it feels like no one else does. He doesn't want to mess this up and make Jongdae hate him.

There's silence, tense and uncomfortable, as Jongdae looks down, adjusting the straps of the mask around his ears. Lu Han waits nervously until he looks up and says, his voice almost back to normal, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. Can we just forget that happened?"

Of course Lu Han can't really forget, but he nods. "I won't do it again," he promises.



Lu Han keeps wondering about Jongdae and his mask and his refusal to talk about himself as their meetings become a regular thing, but he never asks. He's scared, remembering how angry Jongdae was, and it's so much easier to just avoid any potential awkwardness. Lu Han tries to be there when his friends need him, but he's never been good at talking about difficult things. It's a lot easier to let Jongdae steer the conversation however he wants, to talk about Lu Han's life or things that don't really matter and let Jongdae keep his secrets.

In a way, it's kind of fun, keeping Jongdae as a secret of his own. He tells his friends he's taking special singing lessons when they ask where he's been disappearing to, but refuses to tell them anything more. "Maybe I'll tell you once I unveil all the great stuff I've been learning," he teases. He doesn't think anyone really believes he'll have something to show off, but that's okay.

He's not sure how much he's learning about singing from Jongdae when he hasn't even heard him sing since that one time, but maybe he is gaining a little confidence. He goes to his regular singing lesson a few weeks after they started meeting, and he can hear Jongdae's voice in his head telling him to "Stand up straight, and don't get so nervous you forget to breathe, stupid." It makes him smile to himself, and that, perhaps more than the advice, makes him sound better than he has in months.

"There might be hope for you yet," the voice teacher tells him when he finishes. Compared to what Lu Han's been hearing recently, that feels like high praise. It's a small victory, but he counts it as a victory nonetheless.


♪ ♪ ♪

Lu Han's been having his lessons with Jongdae two or three times a week for a month when he suggests at the end of one, "Let's go out.

"I should—" Jongdae starts, but Lu Han doesn't let him finish.

"Come on." It's not the first time he's asked, and Jongdae always begs off, saying he has things to do or places to be. Until now, Lu Han's let it go, but today he's feeling especially stubborn. "Let's go get dinner. If you keep saying no, I'm going to think you're embarrassed to be seen with me in public."

"I'm not." It's strange, how quickly Jongdae shifts from confident and snarky to stiff and uncomfortable. It's like he's only confident as long as he can stay here in this dark and private room, hiding behind his mask and hat, talking as little as possible about himself. The second Lu Han tries to pull more out of him, he goes into defensive mode. Lu Han doesn't understand it, and it's getting frustrating. It's starting to feel like maybe Jongdae really doesn't want to be seen with him, doesn't want to be friends with Lu Han at anything more than a surface level. Lu Han's never even seen his face, thanks to his ever-present hat and mask.

"What's the problem?" Lu Han pushes. "It's just dinner. Is it because you can't eat with a mask on?" The second the words are out of his mouth, he knows he's said the wrong thing, even before Jongdae tenses visibly, drawing in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry," he hurriedly adds. "I didn't...I was just...I know you don't like talking about it. It was a stupid joke." He wishes that he understood, because how is he supposed to apologize when he doesn't even know why the mask is such a sensitive subject?

The seconds tick by in awkward silence, Jongdae looking down and Lu Han looking at him, trying to figure out what he can say to make things okay again. Before he finds an answer, Jongdae speaks without looking up. "I guess I should explain. It was stupid to think I could spend all this time with you and still keep it a secret."

"Keep what a secret?" Lu Han asks warily, but already Jongdae is reaching up and pulling the loops of the mask over his ears, slowly, like he's pushing against some invisible resistance. He drops his right hand with the mask dangling from it and lifts his left to pull off his omnipresent hat, then looks up at Lu Han, a challenge in his eyes.

Lu Han's wondered before what Jongdae looks like. Knowing that SM prizes good looks, he'd assumed Jongdae would be reasonably attractive at the very least. Of course the thought had occurred to him that there was a reason Jongdae never showed his face, but on some level, he couldn't believe that he had anything to hide. Being charmed by Jongdae's personality, by Jongdae's voice, he'd let himself think that such a beautiful voice must come from an equally beautiful face.

But Jongdae isn't beautiful. Lu Han would like to say he is, or handsome or hot or pretty, but he can't. Discolored scars stand out starkly on his skin, worst on his cheeks but spreading up to his hairline. They're lighter than the rest of his face in some places and darker in others, shiny and unnatural-looking. He's not hideous, but the scars are unpleasant, both for how they look and for the thought of what caused them, and Lu Han cringes before he can catch himself.

Jongdae's eyes fix on him, and they, alone, are striking, but then he turns away, looking back at the ground. "There you go. Now you know why I don't want to go out." His voice is gruff, full of emotion too complicated for Lu Han to pick apart.

"What happened?" Lu Han asks. He can't stop staring, even though he can only see the side of Jongdae's face, where the scars stretch down over his jaw.

"Did you hear about the fire last year?" Jongdae puts his hat back on his head, and he starts to lift the mask again, but Lu Han stops him with a hand on his forearm, acting on reflex. He tenses for a moment and Lu Han wonders if he's made another mistake, but then Jongdae's arm drops back to his side. That's a little better; he shouldn't have to hide anymore.

"The one in the dorms?" It happened shortly before Lu Han was scouted, and he remembers watching the story on the news, one of his university friends commenting, "Can you imagine if an idol had gotten burned, or if one of them died? But nobody cares if it's just trainees."

Jongdae nods. He turns to face Lu Han, but he won't meet his eyes. "It all happened so fast. There were a few of us sitting around and suddenly there was fire everywhere. Electrical, they said, maybe. Not that it matters. I got out, but..." He flinches, and Lu Han wants to touch him again, to do something to make it better, but he doesn't think he can. "Burns are terrible. They hurt like hell and even when they heal, they don't go away."

"I'm sorry," Lu Han says, like it matters. "I didn't know."

"Why would you?" Jongdae sighs heavily. "The company was very sorry, but it didn't change anything. They paid for our treatment, but they couldn't undo death or take away our injuries. Being sorry didn't even stop them from terminating our contracts."

"What?" Lu Han asks, taken aback. If Jongdae isn't a trainee anymore, what is he doing here?

"You thought I was a trainee, didn't you? It was kind of nice to pretend, so I let you keep thinking that." Jongdae's voice is small and full of sadness and Lu Han hates it. "The other two guys who got badly burned left without a fight, but I begged. I knew I wouldn't debut looking like this, not here and not with any other company, but I love singing so much I couldn't let go. I begged and they took pity on me and said fine, you can do demos, backing vocals, behind the scenes stuff. You can hang around at the edges of the idol world as long as you understand there'll never be a place for you in it."

Lu Han searches for words, but all he can find are empty platitudes. There's nothing he can say that'll make this better. Like Jongdae said, being sorry won't change anything.

"I guess I should've told you sooner." Jongdae brings the mask to his face again and this time Lu Han doesn't stop him, just watches silently as he fits it back over the worst of the scars and tugs his hat down so his eyes are lost in shadow. "It would've been simpler, and I shouldn't have lied. But I wanted..." Another sigh. "I liked that you treated me like any other person. You didn't feel sorry for me."

Silence follows, and Lu Han knows he should say something, but he's never been much good at saying the right thing, and he's not sure there even is a right thing to say in a situation like this. It's so frustrating, because Jongdae's has the most beautiful voice, and he's funny and kind and charismatic. He belongs in those practice rooms upstairs, preparing for debut, but talent and personality aren't enough without a perfect face, not in this country and this industry. And if it's frustrating for him, he can only imagine how hard it is for Jongdae, who came here to chase his dreams and had them snatched away, leaving him lurking in the shadows without hope.

Finally, Lu Han says, "Let's go get dinner anyway?" Jongdae's head snaps up, and Lu Han can see just enough to read the surprise in his expression. "We can go to a restaurant or we can get takeout, but I want to have dinner with you. What do you say?"

He can't see Jongdae's smile through the mask, but he can just barely make out the way his eyes crinkle up, and he can hear the happiness and gratitude in Jongdae's voice when he says, "Okay. Yeah. I'd like that."


♪ ♪ ♪

There's a shift, after that. Jongdae still keeps his face covered most of the time, but he'll pull the mask down to sing or eat, only hesitating the first couple of times. He takes off his sweatshirt for the first time a few weeks later, and Lu Han sees that there are scars on his arms too, worse than the ones on his face. Jongdae looks at him when he does it, gauging Lu Han's reaction, but he just smiles and says, "It's getting hot, isn't it?" Jongdae's hat is sitting high enough that Lu Han can see the gratitude in his eyes.

It would be a lie to say Lu Han stops noticing the scars, but he gets used to them, after the initial shock. He stops focusing on them, noticing instead the way Jongdae's face lights up when he smiles, the sharp cut of his cheekbones, the deep-set corners of his mouth that make him look almost catlike, the intensity of his eyes. He sees the muscles in Jongdae's arms and pays more attention to them than to the scars. He can see, like this, how Jongdae was good-looking enough to meet SM's standards, and how he still does look good despite his imperfections.

He wishes there was a way to make Jongdae see that too. He's too good to be hanging around in darkened practice rooms with Lu Han and lurking in the figurative shadows of the idol world where no one will ever see him or care that he exists. Maybe he can't be an idol anymore, but Lu Han can't believe there isn't something that he can be, something that will use his talents and make him happy, even if it's not his original dream.

Lu Han's not good with words, and he thinks he'd only put his foot in his mouth if he tried to tell Jongdae that, but he does his best to show him what he thinks. He drags Jongdae out for meals and pushes him into talking more about himself. He laughs at his jokes and treats him the way he does any of his friends, not shying away from him. And one day, a couple of weeks later, after an hour of Lu Han singing, he says, "I need a break. Why don't you sing something instead?"

Jongdae eyes him warily. He does sing sometimes, now that he's stopped worrying about his mask, but only to demonstrate short phrases. Lu Han hasn't heard him sing with abandon since that time he caught him by accident, and never a full song. He understands why Jongdae might not feel comfortable, but he remembers how Jongdae's voice rang out that day and he wants to hear what he's capable of.

"Come on," Lu Han insists, flopping down on the floor by the door and grabbing his water bottle. "I always do what you tell me to. You should listen to me for once."

Jongdae looks tense, the lightness in his voice clearly forced as he asks, "What do you want to hear?"

"Anything," Lu Han says. "What do you like to sing?"

Jongdae doesn't answer, and for a second Lu Han thinks he might refuse, but he pulls off his mask and shoves it in his pocket. "Okay." He takes a deep breath and then starts to sing. It's a ballad, unfamiliar to Lu Han, but well-suited to Jongdae. His voice is very different from Lu Han's, less rich but more powerful. He has his eyes closed, pouring emotion into the song, and Lu Han is mesmerized.

Objectively speaking, Lu Han knows there are flaws in Jongdae's singing. His voice lacks support and he strains to reach the high notes. His vibrato is nice but messy, inconsistent. Still, there's something about his singing that Lu Han likes, a charismatic intensity. Maybe it's the same things he likes about Jongdae in general. In any case, perfect or not, he'd happily listen to Jongdae sing any time. It's only a shame that he's limited to this, a cappella performances in practice rooms to an audience of one, instead of being out there working toward debut like Lu Han and the other trainees.

Jongdae doesn't open his eyes until the last note, and Lu Han waits until he does before clapping enthusiastically. It makes Jongdae look embarrassed and sort of uncomfortable, but Lu Han does it anyway, entirely sincere.

"So, what do you say? Am I good enough to teach you?" Jongdae asks, trying to laugh off Lu Han's applause.

"You're good enough to do anything." He means it, but he still laughs when Jongdae blushes and looks away. "You're cute when you get shy instead of yelling at me."

"Shut up," Jongdae grumbles, but Lu Han can see that he's smiling, just a little, before he pulls his mask back on.


♪ ♪ ♪

Lu Han comes to realize soon enough that there's not much in Jongdae's life besides what work SM will give him, his social life limited to phone calls to his concerned parents and these meetings with Lu Han. That's silly because Jongdae does seem to enjoy spending time with Lu Han, and he's not shy at all. Lu Han suspects he'd like more human interaction, but whenever Lu Han suggests coming out with him and his friends, Jongdae refuses. Lu Han's afraid to ask, but he wonders if Jongdae has had some bad experiences since the fire, if that's why he seems to want to hide away from everyone and everything.

It takes two solid weeks of wheedling, in person and by text, but finally Lu Han wears him down and Jongdae reluctantly agrees to come to a movie with him and a couple of friends. He insists he doesn't need an escort, but he seems relieved all the same when Lu Han shows up at his door. He's dressed the way he usually is, complete with hat and mask, except that he's wearing a plain black mask instead of his usual skull. Lu Han wonders if he only wears the skull when he goes to SM, but he thinks now is a bad time to call attention to the mask. Jongdae looks nervous enough as it is, tense and fidgety

He sticks close to Lu Han on the way to the movie theater, and for once Lu Han remembers how young Jongdae is, how unsure under his cocky front. "Don't worry," Lu Han assures him. "I only invited my nice friends."

He's pleased with the laugh that gets from Jongdae, even if it's a weak one. "You have mean friends?"

"Most of them. Like you." He pouts at Jongdae, who laughs again. That's good.

Yixing and Minseok are waiting in front of the movie theater, and Lu Han grabs Jongdae's arm as he hurries over to them, partly for comfort and partly because he's not entirely sure Jongdae won't try to run away otherwise.

"Oh, good, you made it," Minseok says when he sees them.

"Hey, let me introduce you," Lu Han says immediately. "This is Yixing. His Korean is terrible, so talk to him like he's kind of stupid." Yixing smiles, which may or may not mean that he understood what Lu Han said. "And this is—"

"Minseok-hyung?" Jongdae interrupts.

Lu Han turns to him, confused, then back to Minseok, who looks equally confused for a few seconds before he asks incredulously, "Jongdae?" Jongdae nods, and Minseok seems at a loss for how to react.

"You know each other?" Lu Han asks.

"We used to train together," Jongdae explains. He sounds subdued, but then he continues in a cheerful tone that doesn't seem too forced, "How have you been?"

"Okay," Minseok tells him. "Good. You know how it is." A frown flickers over his face, like he's not sure if it's a mistake to say that, and he hurriedly changes the subject. "So you're Lu Han's mysterious voice teacher?"

"Something like that," Jongdae says lightly.

Minseok chuckles. "I can see how he could learn a thing or two from you. I'm impressed that you can put up with him."

"He is troublesome," Jongdae agrees with a chuckle. Lu Han is immensely relieved to see him start to relax, talking more normally to Minseok, so much so that he doesn't care that they're picking on him.

Minseok and Jongdae continue talking as they go to buy tickets, so Lu Han walks with Yixing. "Did you know him too?" Lu Han asks. Yixing has been around for a few years, so his time at SM would've overlapped with Jongdae.

Yixing shakes his head. "Maybe I met him, but I didn't hang out with any of the Korean trainees back then. I didn't know enough Korean to even try to talk to them." He glances at Minseok and Jongdae in front of them, but they're still talking and it's not like they understand Mandarin anyway. "He's one of the guys from the fire, isn't he?"

It figures Yixing would know about that, but it still makes Lu Han wince. "Yeah."

"What's he still doing around?" Yixing asks. There's no judgment in his tone, only curiosity.

"It's complicated," Lu Han hedges. "I'll tell you later." He doesn't need to be secretive when Jongdae can't understand what they're saying, but it doesn't feel right. Besides, he's not sure it's his story to share.

Yixing doesn't push, just smiles. "Well, I'm glad I get to meet him. Seems like you've been spending a lot of time with him. Seems like you might like him better than us."

"I might," Lu Han agrees. Yixing laughs, and Minseok and Jongdae turn to look at them.

"What are you gossiping about back there?" Minseok asks.

"Talking about you as usual," Lu Han shoots back. He's happy when Jongdae laughs.

Jongdae sits between Lu Han and Minseok for the movie, and he seems to enjoy it, laughing loudly behind his mask. Lu Han enjoys it too, but more than that, he's glad to see Jongdae happy and relaxed. This is good, him seeing that he doesn't have to hide away all the time, that there are people who will accept him as he is.

Lu Han suggests they all go get dinner after, but Jongdae begs off. "I've got some stuff to take care of at home," he explains vaguely. It's an obvious lie, but Lu Han doesn't push. Dinner will require Jongdae to take off the mask, and while he's done that a couple of times when he and Lu Han went out, if he's not ready to do it in front of Minseok and Yixing, that's his choice.

"Come hang out again some time, okay?" Minseok tells Jongdae when they say goodbye. "It was really good to see you again."

"Sure. It was good to see you too." Lu Han can't tell if Jongdae means it, but he sounds happy, at least. For now, that's enough.



Later, when they're back in the dorms, Minseok comments, "Of all the people who could've been your mysterious teacher, I never would've guessed it was Jongdae."

"Did you know him well?" Lu Han asks curiously.

Minseok shrugs. "Well enough. He was around for less than a year, but he made friends quickly, and you know how things are here." The intense environment the trainees live in makes all their relationships more extreme, whether they're fast friendships or bitter rivalries.

"But you haven't talked to him lately?"

Now Minseok frowns. "Some of us went to see him, after the fire. A few while he was in the hospital in Seoul, and me and one other guy once he went to stay with his family. He wasn't in a good place, and it felt like having us there reminding him of SM just made it worse, so we only went a couple of times. I texted him sometimes after that, but after a while we lost touch. I had no idea he was back in Seoul, let alone here."

It makes Lu Han sad to think of Jongdae, hurting inside and out, pushing away his friends, but he must be doing a lot better if he's able to laugh with Minseok like he did today.

"Say, Lu Han, does he always dress like that?" Minseok gestures at his face.

"Not anymore when it's just us," Lu Han tells him, "but outside, usually."

"Oh." Minseok bites his lip, considering his response to that. "Is it that bad? His face. He was still mostly bandaged up the last time I saw him, so I couldn't tell how serious it was."

"It's not!" Lu Han surprises himself by feeling defensive even though Minseok's not trying to be mean. "I was shocked the first time, but only because I wasn't expecting it. I don't know what he looked like before, but...I mean, he has scars, but it's really not bad once you get used to it. I wish he didn't feel like he has to hide."

Minseok nods thoughtfully. "There were a lot of rumors flying around back then about how badly Jongdae and the other guys were hurt and what would happen to them. They can do a lot for burns with plastic surgery, but there are limits, I guess, and some of it has to wait until after they fully heal, which takes long time. For an idol, SM might be willing to wait, but for trainees..."

Lu Han frowns, thinking about that. He'd like to believe otherwise, but he knows better. As trainees, they're expendable.

"There was a little while, right at the beginning, where Jongdae was trying to be optimistic," Minseok continues. "He said to just wait, he'd come back better than ever. I'm sure he was playing tough, but...I don't know. It seemed like he still had some hope. But then the next time I saw him, it was like all the fight had gone out of him. It wasn't until a few weeks later that we heard he and the other guys were out of the company, but maybe he already knew then."

"I guess I understand, but..."

"Yeah." There are a few beats of heavy silence, but then Minseok smiles. "But hey, he seems to be doing better now. That's something."

"He is," Lu Han agrees. He didn't meet Jongdae until a while after the last time Minseok saw him, but even since then, Jongdae does seem a little happier, a little more comfortable in his skin. It's not enough, Lu Han thinks, but it's a start. That is something.


♪ ♪ ♪

For a while, even as they start spending more and more time together, the way Lu Han behaves with Jongdae isn't particularly different than how he is with his other friends. He's always been the type to come on strong when he wants to be friends with someone. (Minseok still teases Lu Han about creeping him out with his too-enthusiastic overtures of friendship at the beginning.) Sure, he's protective of Jongdae, concerned about his happiness, but that just means that he cares. It's nothing unusual.

But little by little, Lu Han starts to realize that maybe his relationship with Jongdae is different from the kind he has with most of his friends. It's not so much in their interactions as in the way Lu Han looks at Jongdae, the way he feels around him. The amount of attention Lu Han pays to Jongdae, the effect it has on him to see Jongdae smile or laugh, it's just that much more than with anyone else. It is, Lu Han has to admit, the way he feels when he has a crush.

It's not a surprise to Lu Han, really, not because Jongdae is a guy and not because Jongdae is Jongdae. It's not a new thing for him, liking guys, and why wouldn't he like Jongdae? He's funny and nice and smart and tough in a way that Lu Han admires despite being he's older. Lu Han finds him attractive too, though Jongdae probably wouldn't believe him if he said it, with his slim but strong build, his dark eyes and his cute smile.

It's not a surprise, but it is inconvenient, because Lu Han doubts Jongdae sees him like that. He hasn't seen Jongdae interact with other people enough to know if it's different from the way he is with Lu Han, but it doesn't seem anything more than friendly. That's fine—crushing on hopelessly straight friends isn't a new experience for Lu Han either—but it'll be a little awkward until he can get over it, and potentially more than a little awkward if Jongdae finds out.

Given that, he does his best to keep this little crush to himself. He thinks he does a decent job, even if it's that much harder now that he's acknowledged his feelings. Jongdae doesn't give any indication that he's noticed, so either it's not too obvious or he's just being nice and not embarrassing Lu Han by admitting that he's noticed.

Lu Han keeps on thinking he's being subtle right up until Minseok turns to him as they head back to the dorms after practice one night, chatting about Lu Han's last lesson (such as they are) with Jongdae. Minseok eyes him curiously for a moment and then asks, just a little uncertain, "Hey, Lu Han? You and Jongdae...is there something going on there?"

Lu Han is sure his shock at the question must be written all over his face, which leaves him no hope of denying it.

"Relax," Minseok hurriedly adds. "You're not that obvious. I just had a feeling from the way you talk about him. Am I right?"

Lu Han frowns, trying to figure out how much to reveal. Minseok already knows that he's hypothetically interested in guys, but that's different from being actually interested in someone, especially someone Minseok knows. "There's nothing, but..."

"But you like him?" It's surprisingly easy to nod his agreement, and something of a relief to have it out there, if only to Minseok. "You haven't told him?" Minseok continues like it's nothing.

"No. I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I don't even know if he's, you know..." It's a bad idea to assume too much about someone's preferences. Jongdae's not likely to use it against Lu Han, if he confesses, but he might not take it well, and Lu Han doesn't want to mess up their friendship.

"With that face, I'm pretty sure you could even convince some straight guys to date you," Minseok says dryly. "But Jongdae..."

Lu Han eyes Minseok accusingly. "Do you know something I don't?" Part of him thinks he should leave it be, because even if Jongdae might potentially be interested, he may not be in a good place to date anyone right now, but Lu Han can't help getting excited at the possibility that this could go somewhere.

Minseok gives him a mischievous grin. "I can't tell you Jongdae's secrets any more than I'd tell him yours. But I think you should go for it. He'll let you down nicely if it comes to that." Minseok's enjoying this a bit too much, but he wouldn't steer Lu Han wrong.

Lu Han considers for only a moment before he says, "Okay." If he has a chance, he can't just let it pass him by. "But if it goes badly, I hope you know you're going to have to deal with me crying to you for weeks."

Minseok just laughs at that. "Got it."



Lu Han resolves to tell Jongdae as soon as possible, but it's easier said than done. Things are good with Jongdae right now, comfortable. Not only that, but Jongdae's been a real help in the months that they've known each other, a steadying, uplifting presence in Lu Han's stressful trainee life. Lu Han's wary of doing anything that might mess that up.

Still, Jongdae's always telling him he should be more brave, more confident, and Lu Han supposes that applies to this too. He tries to psych himself up for it and finally, when they're sitting against the back wall taking a break from singing, Lu Han decides that this is the time. It's scary, but he trusts that even if Jongdae doesn't feel the same, he won't be cruel. Besides, Minseok told him to go for it, and he wouldn't if he thought it would cause trouble. It'll be okay.

"Hey, Jongdae?" he says, forcing his voice into what he hopes is a casual tone. "I want to tell you something. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but I thought you should know, and just in case, maybe..."

Jongdae took off his hat when he arrived in the room but not the mask, probably feeling too self-conscious today. That makes it harder to read his expression, but Lu Han thinks he just looks curious, like he has no idea where this is going. It almost makes Lu Han want to back out, or at least to wait, but it's not going to get any easier. He doesn't want to just give up, so he says it straight out before he can talk himself out of it. "I like you. We can just forget about it if you're not interested, but I wanted you to know. I like you."

"You...what?" Jongdae's curiosity has turned into utter confusion. He looks so lost that for a second Lu Han wonders if he spoke in the wrong language.

"I like you," he repeats, steeling himself not to look away.

"But why?"

It's not a response Lu Han was expecting, not something he prepared for when he thought about how this might go, so he gets stuck. He's the sort of person who likes people easily and enthusiastically, as friends or as more, but expressing that in words is much less his style. "Because...I do?" That seems to be the wrong answer, judging from the way Jongdae's shoulders droop, so Lu Han hurriedly continues, "You make me laugh, and you're nice to me without expecting anything back. I think you're really strong and interesting, and you're really...passionate, I guess, about things even though you act like you aren't."

"And I'm hot?" It's clear from the way Jongdae asks it what he's expecting the answer to be.

"You're...yes?" Jongdae gives him an exceedingly skeptical look, but Lu Han is telling the truth. "Your smile is cute, and I like your eyes and your cheekbones and your arms." He pokes one of Jongdae's muscular arms, on the underside where there aren't many scars, but Jongdae doesn't smile. "You don't have to believe me, but I mean it."

"But you're..." Jongdae gestures at Lu Han's face. "You're gorgeous, so why the hell would you settle for someone like me?"

In the back of Lu Han's mind, a happy voice yells, 'Jongdae thinks I'm gorgeous!' but he sets that aside for later. "I don't think I'm settling," he says stubbornly. "It's not like I'm perfect either. You know by now what I'm like." Lu Han's annoyed enough friends and significant others to have a good idea of his flaws.

Jongdae looks so uncomfortable, shoulders hunched and brow furrowed, that Lu Han almost feels guilty, but he can't stop now. "If you're not interested, just say so," he presses. "I mean, I don't even know if you're into guys, but Minseok made it sound like..."

Jongdae seems startled by that. "You talked to Minseok-hyung about this?"

Lu Han winces, hoping it wasn't a mistake to mention that. "He brought it up. Asked if there was something going on already. I said no, but that I kind of wanted there to be. He didn't tell me anything about you, but he said I should go for it like he knew something."

Lu Han doesn't understand why that makes Jongdae look so sad, his whole body drooping now. He takes in a deep breath, then lets it out in a loud sigh, tensing like he's bracing himself for something. "The reason Minseok-hyung told you to go for it—the reason he knows that I do like guys sometimes—is because I told him that I had a crush."

"On me?" Lu Han asks, confused.

Jongdae shakes his head. "This was before. There was a guy I liked, another trainee, Baekhyun. We got in at the same audition and we were...maybe not best friends, but the best friends either of us had here. We stuck together, helped each other out a lot. Everyone liked him, except the people who hated his guts, and after a while I realized I liked him in more than a friendly way."

Lu Han listens quietly, wondering where this story is going, and why it seems so hard for Jongdae to tell. "I didn't know what to do, so I told Minseok-hyung, and he said to go for it. Baekhyun, he said dumb things sometimes, but he wasn't the kind of guy who would have a problem with another guy liking him. The worst that could happen is he'd reject me and we'd keep being just friends."

"So what happened?" Lu Han asks. "What did he say when you told him?"

"I never did." Jongdae's voice is heavy with sadness and his eyes are fixed on a point behind Lu Han. "Less than a week later, while I was still working up the nerve, the fire happened, and Baekhyun...he was the one who died."

Lu Han is shocked into silence. He knew that a trainee died in the same fire that burned Jongdae, and of course it makes sense that it would be someone Jongdae knew, but he never stopped to think about it. He never considered that on top of everything else, Jongdae was dealing with the loss of a friend.

"I'm not saying that my heart died with him and I'll never love anyone else or something cheesy like that," Jongdae continues eventually, while Lu Han is still searching for words. "If I had told him, he probably would've rejected me and I would've gotten over him quickly. It's just...you should know that I'm even more fucked up than you realize. You should know what a bad idea it is to be interested in me."

He's right about the first part, that his issues go beyond what Lu Han had realized, but it doesn't make him not interested. It only makes him sad, knowing that this is what Jongdae has been struggling with. "I'm sorry," he says. "About your friend. But...you've told me that you don't understand why I like you, and you've told me why you think I shouldn't, but you still haven't told me if you like me back or not."

Jongdae's breath catches. "I...it's not..."

"Yes or no," Lu Han tells him. "That's all I need. Yes or no."

The couple of seconds before Jongdae answers seem to stretch out forever, but finally he says, "Yes." He sounds like he can't quite believe he's saying it, and Lu Han feels the same, if not for the same reason.

"Really?" he asks excitedly, relief and happiness at hearing Jongdae's answer overpowering his earlier sadness.

"Really," Jongdae confirms, still serious. "But I think you shouldn't—"

"Jongdae," Lu Han cuts in, and Jongdae goes quiet, finally looking at him. "Take off your mask."

"What?" Jongdae asks in a small voice. "Why?"

"Because I'm going to kiss you," Lu Han says, "and it'll feel better if it's not through the mask." He laughs, and Jongdae does too, but it's a nervous sound.

Jongdae pulls off the mask and balls it up in his fist, looking at Lu Han with a complicated mess of emotions in his eyes. "Hyung, you really...? Are you sure you want to...?"

"Yes," Lu Han says firmly, getting to his knees next to Jongdae. "I'm very sure that I want to kiss you. Is that okay?"

He waits until Jongdae nods, dazed, like he's not sure this is real, before he closes the distance between them and presses their lips together. Jongdae hardly reacts, but he doesn't pull away, so Lu Han does it again, and this time Jongdae kisses back. He lifts a hand to Jongdae's cheek, thumb brushing over his jaw, and Jongdae flinches when Lu Han touches one of his scars.

"Does it hurt?" Lu Han asks, but Jongdae shakes his head. "Are you sure? I'll be careful if you—"

"It's just a little sensitive," Jongdae insists. "It's fine." He lifts his own hands slowly, uncertainly, leaving the mask in his lap as he grabs hold of Lu Han's shirt. This time Jongdae is the one to lean forward and kiss Lu Han, who's only too happy to respond. They kiss for a while, until Lu Han is breathless, and when they break apart, he smiles so wide it feels like his face will break.

Jongdae looks happy too, in a more subdued kind of way, a disbelieving smile on his face. He reaches out to touch the side of Lu Han's face, then brushes a finger slowly over his lips before letting his hand drop. "You...you're really..."

"What?" Lu Han asks when he doesn't finish.

"I don't know." There are too many emotions packed into Jongdae's voice for Lu Han to make sense of them. "It's been a while since anything really good happened to me and I don't know if I believe it. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

"It's real." Lu Han takes Jongdae's hand, and squeezes it before he gives him another kiss. "See?"

Jongdae laughs, and as he leans in to kiss Lu Han again, he only looks happy.


♪ ♪ ♪

Being with Jongdae is easier than Lu Han might expect after that rocky start. Jongdae still seems a little unsure, a little skeptical that Lu Han really likes him, but less so each time they meet, each time Lu Han smiles at him and kisses him. Other than that, they keep the same comfortable dynamic they've had until now, just with more kissing.

They're careful in the SM building, even though no one ever comes to what Lu Han considers their room, and Lu Han could get away with bringing a girl back to his dorm room, maybe, but not a guy. Besides, while Lu Han has never asked, he doubts Jongdae wants to go anywhere near the dorms. That's why they end up going to Jongdae's apartment, Lu Han waving off Jongdae's warnings that it's a shoebox.

It is tiny, nothing but a bed with boxes underneath, a small table with only one chair, a bathroom and a minimal kitchen area. Even with so little space, there doesn't seem to be much in the apartment. Lu Han supposes makes sense if Jongdae hasn't lived here long, but it still looks a little sad. "It's nice," he says, but Jongdae gives him an incredibly skeptical look that says he knows Lu Han is lying.

Here, Jongdae seems relaxed in a way he's not even when it's just the two of them in their usual room, but it only lasts until they both sit on the bed. Lu Han is about to ask why he seems tense, but Jongdae distracts him with a kiss and Lu Han lets him do it. He knows by now that with Jongdae, it's better not to push.

Given that, it's not until the third time Lu Han comes home with Jongdae that he gets it, though in retrospect, it should have been obvious. They're on Jongdae's bed because there's not really anywhere else to sit, and they're kissing, Jongdae in Lu Han's lap. It's slow and deep, totally unhurried, and Lu Han likes it that way. He's not thinking about what he's doing as he slips his hands under Jongdae's shirt after a while, but when he starts to lift them, pulling Jongdae's shirt up, Jongdae's abruptly tenses and pulls away.

"What—" Lu Han starts to ask, but as his brain catches up, he realizes it's stupid to ask why Jongdae isn't comfortable taking his clothes off. "Sorry." He drops his hands to his sides.

Jongdae doesn't move away, but he's quiet. The silence makes Lu Han uncomfortable, so he blurts out, "I get it, if you don't...I mean, it's fine. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But...it's just me, you know?"

"I know," Jongdae says gruffly. Lu Han expects him to try to make some excuse, but he doesn't. "I'm trying. It's not that I don't want to, but..."

Lu Han nods, acknowledging that without making a big deal of it. "There's no hurry, okay?"

He's relieved when Jongdae finally looks at him again. The smile he flashes Lu Han is sad, but it's better than nothing. "Thank you." Lu Han shakes his head but doesn't argue. Instead, he pulls Jongdae down to sit next to him, holding him against his side. With the tense moment over, Jongdae relaxes, and Lu Han leaves it at that.



In everything else, Jongdae seems comfortable with Lu Han now, but it takes a while for him to be willing to show the rest of his body. Lu Han tries to strike a balance between encouraging him but not pushing, between showing that he really does want Jongdae, scars and all, and making him feel pressured. He probably doesn't manage it because he's not good at this kind of thing, but he does his best.

After a few weeks, Lu Han can't help wondering if Jongdae's ever going to take things past the kissing and limited touching with clothes on that they've been doing so far. He's so tentative, and it occurs to Lu Han that he doesn't know how experienced Jongdae is in this. He's not so much younger than Lu Han, but enough to make a difference, especially considering that he definitely hasn't gotten any action in the time since the fire, now more than ten months. Maybe this slow progression isn't only about Jongdae's discomfort with his body.

In any case, Lu Han tries to stay patient until one day when Jongdae stops in the middle of kissing and pulls back to look at him. There's something heavy in his eyes, but before Lu Han can ask about it, Jongdae kisses him again while his hands travel down and move underneath Lu Han's shirt. This much he's done before, just touching, but this time, he slides his hands all the way up to Lu Han's shoulders and finally pulls the shirt over his head.

This isn't such a big deal, because Lu Han has no insecurities about taking his shirt off, but it feels like it right now. Jongdae doesn't say anything before he presses his lips just above Lu Han's collarbone, then drifts sideways along his shoulder. Lu Han's not sure where this is going, but he lets Jongdae keep kissing along his exposed skin for a while before he brings his hands to the hem of Jongdae's shirt.

Jongdae has touched him like this before, under his clothes, but Lu Han hasn't tried since the first time. He doesn't know how Jongdae will react now, so he just barely dips his fingers under the hem to press against Jongdae's skin. Jongdae tenses like before, but he doesn't move away. He goes very still for a few seconds, his lips still on Lu Han's skin, then lets out a shaky breath. "You can do it," he murmurs.

Lu Han moves his hands a little higher but stops at the way Jongdae is still holding himself stiffly. "Are you sure?" he asks.

Jongdae lifts his head now, and he doesn't try to hide what he's feeling, vulnerability easy to read in his expression. Lu Han knows him well enough by now to realize that that's a big thing, him being open about his fears. "I'm not really," Jongdae admits. "But I want to try." He considers for a moment before pulling off his shirt in one quick motion and tossing it aside, turning back to Lu Han to gauge his reaction.

There's no way for Lu Han not to notice the scars on his chest and stomach. They're patchy, some areas seemingly untouched, others looking almost normal, and others not. Jongdae looks down at them and bites his lip. "They only did grafts on the worst parts," he explains. "Doctors tell me the rest will fade over time, but...not yet. And I don't know how much." He's frowning, so Lu Han kisses the expression off his face, then bends down to brush his lips over Jongdae's skin, heedless of the marks on it.

There's still a tension in the air and in Jongdae's body, but slowly, incrementally, he relaxes. He leans back as Lu Han's mouth travels down his stomach, spreading out on the bed, and when Lu Han's lips reach the top of his pants, he breathes out, "Hyung?"

Lu Han lifts his head just enough to look at Jongdae, propped up on his elbows. "Yeah?"

"I want..." He stops, swallows hard. "Let's do this."

"Are you sure now?" Lu Han asks, gently teasing, and he's glad when Jongdae laughs, even if it's a little tight.

"Still no, but I'm ready for you to convince me."

Lu Han grins. "I'll see what I can do." He hesitates briefly before asking, "Have you done this before?"

"Yeah." Jongdae looks shifty, and Lu Han's skepticism must be obvious because he reluctantly adds, "A couple of times. Not recently."

Lu Han just nods, not particularly surprised. "Okay," he says as he pops the button on Jongdae's pants, feeling his breath catch at the light touch. "Tell me when you're convinced."

Lu Han is careful, so much more so than he's ever been before, but it's worth the wait when he finally gets to push into Jongdae, both for the tight press of his body and for the way he moans deeply, shaking under Lu Han's hands when he starts to move. It's even more worth it when Jongdae comes with a cry, all self-consciousness gone as he loses himself in the feeling, closing his eyes and arching up to meet Lu Han's thrusts. Lu Han holds on just long enough to appreciate the sight before he comes too, that much more intense for being dragged out.

Jongdae's eyes are still closed when Lu Han gets up to throw away the condom, and when he turns back to the bed right after. He takes a moment to stand next to the bed and take in the sight of Jongdae sprawled out on it. This is the most clearly Lu Han's ever been able to see what the fire did to him, and it makes him sad, but mostly he doesn't think about that. Mostly he thinks that he likes seeing Jongdae like this, flushed and rumpled and happily spent because of what Lu Han did to him, not worrying about how he looks. He thinks that he really hopes Jongdae likes it too because he's very much looking forward to doing this again.

When Jongdae's eyes finally flutter open, he looks startled to find Lu Han staring at him. "That's creepy, hyung," he mutters, but the gruffness doesn't quite camouflage the nerves that are returning now that the moment is over. He rolls onto his side and starts to curl up, probably trying to hide more of his body, but Lu Han sits down next to him and stops him with a hand on his knee.

Jongdae looks up at him, eyes dark. Lu Han doesn't know what to say, and a few painfully long seconds pass before Jongdae smiles just a little and stretches out again. When Lu Han lies down facing him, Jongdae gives him a brief kiss and murmurs, "You definitely convinced me. I won't make you work so hard for it next time." Lu Han grins widely enough that Jongdae chuckles in response.

Maybe there's more to be said, but Lu Han doesn't know what, and Jongdae doesn't seem to want to give voice to the thoughts that are clearly occupying his mind. Instead, he snuggles close to Lu Han, head pillowed on his chest, and Lu Han wraps an arm around him. All that matters is that Jongdae seems comfortable even like this. It's not as though everything has changed, but now that they've crossed this first hurdle, Lu Han thinks that things will be really good.



There are little hiccups after that, some having to do with Jongdae's hang-ups and some simply the kind of bumps that any new relationship can have, but all in all, Lu Han is happy, not just with this but with his life. He has good friends and he has Jongdae and training is still really hard, but he feels like he's going somewhere, and he's back in the teachers' good graces, at least as much as any trainee ever is.

He does wish, on the other hand, that Jongdae was going somewhere too. He's enough of a realist to accept that there's no future for Jongdae as an idol, but he refuses to believe that there isn't something else good that he can do, something that will allow him to share what he has to give. He has too much love for people and for music to resign himself to holding both at arm's length like he is now.

He wants to talk to Jongdae about it, but he doesn't know how. He doesn't have anything concrete to offer him, any real suggestions of where to go next, only the conviction that he should go somewhere. He's wasted at SM, but he'd be equally wasted sitting in an office somewhere doing whatever work he could get. There has to be something in between, something that may not fulfill his dreams of performing but will still make him happy.

Lu Han feels cowardly for it, but he lets it go for now. It's easier to focus on his own progress and on his relationship with Jongdae. Things are good now, and the future is uncertain (for Lu Han too, as much as he avoids thinking about it), but there will be time to face that later. They're young; there's no need to rush.

Life settles into a routine for Lu Han, long days of singing and dancing and whatever else SM sees fit to teach him, and nights at Jongdae's a few times a week, when he doesn't finish too late. They still meet for "lessons" every week or two, though at this point it's more just a chance for Lu Han to practice with an audience, and to occasionally cajole Jongdae into singing for him. It's a nice respite from the stress of training, one Lu Han always looks forward to, and Jongdae seems to enjoy them too.

One night, they're at Jongdae's apartment, sitting on his bed and talking. Lu Han finishes telling a story about Yixing's struggles with Korean, making them both laugh. Their laughter fades out and Lu Han is thinking about what else he wants to tell Jongdae when Jongdae speaks up first.

"I went to the doctor today, to check up on...everything. She said I'm ready for some secondary treatment."

Lu Han can't tell from the words or the way Jongdae says them if this is good news or not. "What does that mean?" he asks.

"It's...I'll spare you the technical talk, but there's some stuff they can do later on, like follow-up surgery or...something I didn't really understand with lasers. It has to wait until things really heal, and I'm finally at that point."

"That's good, right?" Jongdae nods, but his faint smile suggests a lack of enthusiasm. "That's not a 'this is good news' face," Lu Han says.

Jongdae smiles just a little wider at that. "I'm not thrilled about more surgery and more hours in doctors' offices. And...my doctor warned me not to expect miracles. It should help, but there are still limits, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much."

"That makes sense," Lu Han says, not knowing how else to respond.

Jongdae looks at him for a long moment, then looks down before he speaks. "At the beginning...I got treatment from good doctors, thanks to SM. I didn't know anything about burns, but considering the plastic surgery idols get, I figured they could fix a lot. But I was hurt pretty bad, and some things are out of doctors' control. It probably could've been a lot worse, but...it was still a shock, you know? When I first saw what I looked like, and when a lot of it didn't go away."

Lu Han nods and wishes there was something he could say to make this better, or that he'd been there for Jongdae back then to remind him that he's worth as much as any perfect-faced idol no matter how he looks. Jongdae probably wouldn't have believed it, but somebody should have told him anyway. "I really hope it'll help," Lu Han says. "But even if it doesn't make much difference..." He reaches out and trails his fingers down the side of Jongdae's face and Jongdae hesitantly looks up at him. "I still like you just like this. And anyone with any sense will too."

Jongdae flashes him a small smile, but his eyes are dark the way they get when there's too much going on in his head. He doesn't respond right away and Lu Han thinks maybe he won't, but then he sighs and drops his gaze again. "You know...I've never told anyone this, but..." He hesitates and bites his lip, clearly struggling to get this out. "At first, like I said, I thought I'd heal better, but I also thought that it would be okay if I still had some scars, that if I was talented enough and likable enough, it wouldn't matter. Maybe I was deluding myself, but I believed it.

"And then this man from SM came to my house when I was recovering to tell me that even when I got better, I couldn't be a trainee anymore. I...flipped out a little, to tell you the truth. I'd been holding onto that hope to stay positive, and he just ripped it away from me and I couldn't take it. I don't remember what I said anymore, but he let me yell, and when I was done, he told me, 'No one's going to want to see you on stage. Idols sell a perfect, happy dream and looking at you would remind people that life isn't perfect at all.'

"And then he looked at me with this...disdainful expression like he didn't want to see me either and said, 'Forget being an idol when no one's even going to want to see you on the street. You'll only scare people. No one wants to think about the kinds of horrible things that can happen to a person.'"

"That's awful." Lu Han doesn't know if he feels more disgusted or angry or just really sad that anyone could say that to Jongdae when he was just trying to hold onto some kind of hope in the face of a terrible tragedy.

"It is," Jongdae agrees. "But even after all that, I still begged to stay." He shakes his head and rubs a hand over his eyes. "I know the scars don't bother you. I believe you when you say that. I just...I wish I could believe that most people will think like that. As awful as what that man said was, I'm not so sure he's wrong."

Lu Han's first impulse is immediate and emphatic denial, but he knows he won't convince Jongdae like that, so he stops and weighs his words more carefully. "I think...maybe he's right, that some people will think like that, especially the first time they see you. But people—good people—won't stop there. If they think something bad happened, they'll want to help you, and if you give them a chance, they'll find out that there's so much more to you than how you look, and they won't care anymore."

"Easy for you to say," Jongdae mutters. There's no heat to it, no real accusation, but Lu Han feels guilty anyway.

"What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't be an idol, but it's ridiculous to say that you shouldn't even be in public so people don't have to look at you. The world will be missing out if you hide yourself away forever, and anyone worth your time will realize that you're someone worth knowing whether you have a perfect face or not." His voice rises, and he trips over his words a little as usual, but he doesn't falter, sure of what he's saying.

Jongdae is quiet for long enough that Lu Han gets nervous, but then he moves closer and wraps his arms around Lu Han. His head is turned to lean against Lu Han's chest and it seems like he wants comfort, so Lu Han holds him tight.

Jongdae stays silent for a while longer, just breathing steadily, but finally he says, "You're right, I think. At least I want to believe you're right. But I'm scared, honestly. The things that man said...I still can't forget them, and I don't know if I ever will. And if I do go out into the world and open up and try and I hear the same thing all over again, I don't know if I can take it. I'm just finally getting back on my feet and if something knocks me down again, I don't know what I'll do."

Lu Han knows very well by now how hard it is for Jongdae to say these kinds of things, but he thinks it's important that he does. He's been keeping a lot inside all this time, and he needs to get it out. It's the only way he's going to be able to move on with his life the way he should, the way he deserves to.

"Anyone would be scared," Lu Han says, holding Jongdae tighter. "But wasn't it you who told me not to let other people get into my head? You're worth more than the way you look and you know that. Remember that and it won't matter what anyone else says."

Jongdae laughs, an honest laugh, which is always a good sign. "I guess you did learn a thing or two from me, huh?"

"I did," Lu Han says firmly. "So you'd better practice what you preach or I might start to think you were making it all up."

Jongdae pulls away from Lu Han, and when he does, he's smiling. "I'll do my best, but you might have to yell at me again."

Now Lu Han laughs. "You did yell at me a lot before. I think you deserve it."

Jongdae's smile is warm and his eyes are bright again and Lu Han breathes an internal sigh of relief. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, but thank you. For everything."

That's a little cheesy for Lu Han's taste, but he smiles anyway, and shakes his head. "There's nothing to thank me for."


♪ ♪ ♪

Lu Han can hardly believe it when he's told he's been tapped for debut, some six months after he met Jongdae at what in retrospect was his lowest point. Oh, sure, there are a lot of conditional words involved, "might" and "possible" and "if all goes well," and later he'll worry about those more, but for now, he's too excited to care that it's not a sure thing, just thrilled that the goal he's been working so hard to achieve is finally within reach.

He's late to meet Jongdae because of the meeting about that, and he runs into the room to see Jongdae sitting against the far wall, messing with his phone. He gets up when he sees Lu Han, and Lu Han barely lets him get to his feet before grabbing him into a crushing hug, lifting him up off the floor.

"Whoa!" Jongdae yelps, clutching at Lu Han's neck in surprise. When Lu Han puts him down, Jongdae gives him a funny look. "What was that for?"

"There have been rumors floating around about a new debut team for weeks," Lu Han explains, talking so fast he trips over the words in his excitement. "I just found out I'm on it." He doesn't think he's stopped grinning since he heard the news.

Too late, caution filters through Lu Han's elation and he wonders if this is okay, if it's not cruel to throw this in Jongdae's face. Then, to his relief, Jongdae's expression crinkles up into a broad, genuine smile. "That's amazing, hyung. I'm really happy for you."

"They might still change the members and kick me out, or we might not get to debut at all in the end, but...it's a real chance. It could really happen." Lu Han's happiness is still overflowing, so he grabs Jongdae in another hug, making him laugh. "I can't believe it."

"You worked hard for it," Jongdae tells him, sounding proud. "You've really improved a lot. I'm sure they'll see that and debut you." He pulls back and pats Lu Han's cheek. "You've got the whole package. They'd be stupid to let you go."

"Thank you," Lu Han says fervently. It's not for the compliment or the reassurance but for everything Jongdae's done to help him get to this point, and he hopes Jongdae understands that.

Jongdae's smile turns a little crooked, but he still sounds cheerful as he says, "This was all you. All I did was hold your hand through it."

"Suddenly my great teacher is so humble," Lu Han teases.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Jongdae tosses back, and they both laugh easily.


♪ ♪ ♪

Lu Han's life is turned upside down in the weeks that follow, all his free time thrown into practice after practice, all the usual dance and voice classes and much more, trying to mold him into a debut-ready idol. It's physically and mentally exhausting, a roller coaster of emotions as members are added and removed and returned again, reminding them that they're all replaceable. At the same time, it's exciting having the possibility of debut so close he can taste it, and that's enough to keep Lu Han going no matter how tough it is.

He's lucky to have some friends going through the process with him (Minseok and Yixing and a few others he knows well enough for them to lean on each other), because he doesn't have time to spend with anyone else. The other trainees probably don't want to see them anyway, resentful of their success, but he'd like to see Jongdae. They text regularly and talk on the phone sometimes, but it's different from a distance.

At the same time, it's easier not to see Jongdae because Lu Han doesn't have to feel guilty about the way he shook his head when asked if he has a girlfriend "or anything else we should know about." He doesn't have to worry as much about if Jongdae is really happy for him or if he's forcing himself to pretend. Lu Han can't imagine that it doesn't hurt Jongdae the way it does the other trainees being left behind, and worse because Jongdae has no chance at all to cling to.

Still, Lu Han's a pretty simple guy and he doesn't think about that stuff too much, just thinks that he misses talking to his boyfriend, seeing him and touching him and kissing him. He knows it'll only get harder to meet after debut, so he doesn't want to waste what time he has now.

They finally get a full day off after a few weeks, and the Korean members go home, but Lu Han goes to Jongdae's tiny apartment for the first time in what feels like forever. "Hello, stranger," Jongdae says when he opens the door. Lu Han gives him a hug, and once he's closed the door behind him, a kiss.

"I missed you," he says.

Jongdae smiles a big smile that doesn't look fake. "I missed you too."

It's not like they've been completely out of touch, but Lu Han hasn't had much privacy to talk and texting isn't the same, so when they sit together to talk, somehow everything pours out. Lu Han tells Jongdae about all the exciting new things that have happened, and all the hard things too, the stress of not knowing for sure even now what will happen, and the pressure to live up to higher and higher expectations. Jongdae comments here and there, but mostly just listens.

Only when Lu Han finally stops does he say, "You've had a lot going on, huh?"

Lu Han smiles sheepishly. "Sorry for rambling."

Jongdae shakes his head. "I don't mind. You can still talk to me like before." It's the first hint he's given that he knows Lu Han is worrying, and the wry smile he follows it up with suggests that he knows Lu Han caught it.

"I..." Lu Han hesitates, not sure if he wants to put this out there so plainly, but he wants to be clear. "If you ever don't want to talk about this, just tell me, okay? Even if it's just that you don't feel like it right then."

"It's fine, really," Jongdae assures him. "Don't worry about me."

"I mean it," Lu Han presses. "I don't want to bother you."

"You're not bothering me," Jongdae insists. "I want to hear all about it." Off Lu Han's still uncertain expression, he adds, "It's sweet of you to worry, but I'll tell you if it a problem, I promise. It's not. I'm really just happy for you."

"You're too nice," Lu Han says with undisguised fondness, and Jongdae laughs.

"No, I just like you."

"Good," Lu Han murmurs, grinning and going for another kiss. "Because I like you too."


♪ ♪ ♪

On the day Lu Han does his first official teaser photoshoot, Jongdae goes in for surgery. He assured Lu Han before that it was nothing to worry about, "nothing as scary as an idol debut," and he texts Lu Han Fighting! in the morning. Lu Han writes the same thing back, along with Text me after if you can.

The shoot seems to take forever and Lu Han doesn't know if he's doing well or not, but it's exciting too. It was made very clear before that participating in this photoshoot is not a promise of debut, but it makes it feel more concrete all the same. Surely they wouldn't go to the trouble of taking all these pictures of Lu Han if they were just going to kick him out on his ass tomorrow.

Lu Han's phone is in his bag and it's mid-afternoon by the time he finally gets to check it. He finds a picture of Jongdae, his face swathed in bandages. It's a little scary, but there's a sparkle in his uncovered eyes, and he's holding up a peace sign next to his cheek, so at least his mood seems good. Zombie says hi, the accompanying message reads. I hope your day's going well too.

It could use more zombies, Lu Han texts back with a winking face.

They text back and forth over the next few days, and Lu Han's happy that Jongdae seems to be in good spirits. He finally gets a chance to call one night after another long day of practicing, and Jongdae sounds cheerful over the phone too. "My mom is spoiling me rotten," he says, laughing. "She's been worried about me all alone in Seoul, so she's making up for it now."

"Sounds nice," says Lu Han, who hasn't seen his own mother in almost a year.

"You should come visit some time," Jongdae tells him. "I'm sure she'd be happy to spoil you too."

Jongdae peppers Lu Han with questions about the teaser photos and other debut preparations, and it's a good half an hour before he lets Lu Han ask him much of anything in return. "I had some visitors," he says when Lu Han asks what he's been up to. "Friends from around here. My old voice teacher came by too."

"Oh, that's nice."

"I took lessons with him for years, so we got close." Jongdae's got that tone to his voice that says he's holding something back, and Lu Han waits to see if he'll say it on his own or if it'll take some prodding. "I haven't talked to him in a while," Jongdae continues, more obviously hesitant now. "He visited me once last year, but not since then."

"Was it good to talk to him?" Lu Han asks.

"It was." There's a pause, and then Jongdae says, "He told me has a friend who's a voice teacher in Seoul, mostly working with younger kids. Business is doing well so she's been thinking about hiring help, and he told her about me. He wanted to know if I'd be interested."

"In being a music teacher?" Lu Han can't (and doesn't try) to keep the excitement out of his voice. That sounds like a good opportunity for Jongdae, a job involving singing that he's well-suited for, if the way he encouraged Lu Han is any indication.

"Yeah." Jongdae, on the other hand, doesn't sound excited.

"You don't want to do it?" Lu Han asks. "I think you'd be a great teacher, especially for kids. Do you like kids?"

"Yeah, I do." Jongdae still sounds unsure, and Lu Han can guess why, but he doesn't want to be the one to say it.

"And I know you love singing, so why not try?"

"Why do you think?" Jongdae mutters. Before Lu Han can answer, he says, "Sorry. I'm just...nervous. I don't want to go scaring little kids."

"I'm sure your teacher wouldn't have asked if he thought that would happen," Lu Han points out. "Besides, little kids don't care about that stuff the way adults do."

"That's true." Jongdae sighs. "I'm such a hypocrite, telling you not to be scared and then being like this."

"It's okay if you're scared," Lu Han counters. "You're only a hypocrite if you let it stop you."

"You're right." There's a brief pause and then Jongdae asks, all the reticence and uncertainty gone from his voice, "It sounds fun, don't you think? Teaching cute little kids to sing, encouraging them to do whatever they want to do with it."

"You'll be great," Lu Han tells him with entirely genuine conviction. He knows a thing or two about Jongdae's ability to inspire people to reach for their dreams.

"Thanks, hyung. I'll let you know what happens with it."


♪ ♪ ♪

When the first teaser photos are released is when it starts to feel real to Lu Han that he's debuting. He's nervous about what the public reaction will be, whether they'll like the group as a whole and him in particular, but mostly he's excited, when he has time to think about anything except endless hours of practice and other preparations.

He's so busy that he hardly has time to do anything else, but he still makes an effort to text Jongdae often, and he's not so busy that he doesn't notice that texts from Jongdae seem to be a lot less frequent than before. He doesn't even reply to Lu Han every time, which isn't like him.

What are you so busy with that you hardly reply to my texts anymore? Lu Han asks after a couple weeks of that. Jongdae is still at his parents' house, and as far as Lu Han knows, there's no reason he shouldn't have time to respond regularly.

Nothing important, Jongdae answers, quickly this time.

Then what's up?

Nothing, really. Just the usual. If they were talking on the phone or in person, Lu Han would be able to tell if that was true, but he can't in text. Still, it's definitely strange for Jongdae to be ignoring him.

I'm going to think you don't like me if you keep this up, he writes.

Lu Han gets called away for dance practice, and when he's finally allowed to collapse for a few minutes and check his phone, Jongdae still hasn't replied. He's too tired to attempt tact anymore, so he decides to be upfront. You promised to tell me if I was bothering you talking about what I'm doing. Am I?

This time, Jongdae replies right away. You're not. I promise. We'll see each other when you have time and then we can talk more, okay?

It's hard to find time, but finally Lu Han has a few hours free one night and he convinces Jongdae to join him for dinner. In person, Lu Han can't pretend to believe Jongdae's insistence that nothing's bothering him. He smiles and talks easily, but it's a little too much like when Lu Han first met him, back when he was hiding all his sadness and insecurities behind an empty smile and emptier words.

He lets Jongdae pretend while they eat their takeout, but as they're finishing up, he asks point blank, "What's wrong?" Before Jongdae can try to deny it, he adds, gentle but insistent, "You're not fooling anyone. Just tell me."

It's like Jongdae deflates, his smile dropping off his face and his shoulders sagging. He bites his lip, jaw tightening. "I...it's not that I don't trust you or think you care enough, but...you're going to debut soon. You're going to be famous and have everything that goes along with that."

"If you mean that I'm not going to still—"

"It's not that," Jongdae cuts in. "That is...okay, I have thought about you having a lot of options besides me, but it's not just that. Everyone's going to be watching you, and if they find out... Your managers would probably pitch a fit if they knew we were together, and I can't even imagine what the public reaction would be like. Just you dating a guy would be a huge scandal, and I'm not just any old guy."

"Idols do date guys, you know. Male idols, I mean. It gets covered up all the time." It's true, but what Jongdae is saying is also true. Be that as it may, Lu Han cares about Jongdae a lot and he's too stubborn for the possibility of scandal to make him give up on that. "Managers and everyone might not like it, but as long as we keep it quiet, they won't care."

"And you think they won't care that it's me? They just want to forget I exist, and that won't work if I'm dating one of their new idols."

"Look, Jongdae—" Lu Han starts, but Jongdae doesn't let him get any further.

"Besides, you'll be so busy and if you ever get free time, you'll have other things to spend it on besides me, so—"

"Hang on." Lu Han can't hold back any longer. "If you want to break up because you don't want to deal with potential scandals or because you don't want to date someone who's so busy, okay, I understand. But I don't want to break up. I've never cared what other people think of us, and I haven't started to just because I'm going to debut. I love you, okay? You should know that by now."

Lu Han's surprised himself by how impassioned his speech becomes by the end. Jongdae looks taken aback too, but then he slowly smiles, "I guess I can't argue with that."

Lu Han laughs, a little embarrassed, but relieved. "Good."

Jongdae lets himself be pulled into a hug. "I'm sorry. It's just scary, you know, with so much changing. You're debuting and I'm moving in the other direction... But I definitely don't want to break up. I...I love you too."

"I'm scared too, believe me." It's a big thing for Lu Han to admit, but he knows it is for Jongdae too, so he should be equally brave. "But good things are happening to both of us, right? And we've got each other."

"Look at you, saying such nice things. I guess debut preparation has taught you something." Jongdae's half-hearted teasing is muffled against Lu Han's shoulder.

"See?" Lu Han jokes. "Good changes."

Jongdae laughs softly, still muffled, and clings tighter to Lu Han. "I'll look forward to the rest, then."


♪ ♪ ♪

Two months after the release of the first teaser but still two weeks before debut, Lu Han miraculously manages to find time in his busy schedule to meet Jongdae. He only finds a little time, so instead of going to Jongdae's apartment, they go to the old practice room where they met for the first time. The burnt out lights have been replaced at last, but otherwise it looks exactly how Lu Han remembers, down to Jongdae sitting against the wall checking his phone, and he feels a surge of nostalgia over being here with Jongdae again.

"You're here!" Jongdae jumps to his feet when Lu Han walks in and comes over to give him a hug (but no more, just in case anyone's around). Lu Han gives him a good squeeze, not wanting to let go. Jongdae laughs and lets him cling. "It's been a while since we met here, huh? Brings back fond memories."

"It has." Lu Han reluctantly lets go of Jongdae so he can actually look at him. It's good to see him in general, but also he looks better than before, if subtly so. Lu Han doesn't really understand about his surgery and whatever else the doctors have been doing for him, but it seems to be helping. Some of the scars Lu Han has become so familiar with look different now, lighter in color or differently shaped. They're not gone, and they never will be, but they stand out less than before.

Jongdae pokes him in the nose to distract him. "No staring."

Lu Han pouts at him. "But you look good."

"Yeah?" Jongdae's grinning, but Lu Han's not surprised to catch a little tentativeness in his expression.

"Yeah, you do. Tell your doctors to keep it up." Upon reflection, he adds, "Not that I don't like you just like this." The hint of uncertainty disappears from Jongdae's expression, telling Lu Han that was the right thing to say. "So tell me about the music school. You went yesterday, right?"

Jongdae's face lights up, so much so that it makes Lu Han smile too. "It was great! The kids are so cute—but don't tell the teenagers I said that or they'll hate me. Hyejin-noona—she's the teacher—is really nice and the students all love her. We talked a lot at the end of the day and she said she thinks I'll be a good fit."

"Of course you will be."

"True, I am awesome." Jongdae laughs.

"So when do you start?" Lu Han asks as Jongdae pulls him over to sit against the wall.

"I'm going to shadow Hyejin-noona and do some teaching with her there, and if she thinks I'm ready, I can start taking students on my own in two weeks or so."

"So we'll debut right around the same time, huh?"

"I guess we will. Somehow I don't think people will be as excited about my debut as Pretty Boy Idol Lu Han's, though." There's no bitterness in Jongdae's voice, no sadness lingering at the corners of his smile, and Lu Han doesn't think he's faking it. He seems not just happy but content in a way Lu Han couldn't have imagined he would be six months ago.

"Don't call me pretty," he grumbles without much conviction. Jongdae grins at him, unrepentant.

They talk for a while about the students Jongdae met before he turns more serious. "I was really nervous going in. I've always been good with kids, but I didn't know what they'd make of me now." He gestures unnecessarily toward his face. "I went in with a mask and Hyejin-noona didn't say anything, but then the first student was this seven-year-old boy. He took one look at me and asked, 'Why does he get to wear a cool mask? My mom won't let me wear one to school.'"

"A cool mask? You weren't wearing the skull one, were you?"

Jongdae laughs. "No, I didn't think that would help with not scaring kids. Just a plain black one, but I guess it was cool to him. Anyway, I told him it was part of my superhero disguise, but for him, I'd take it off."

"So cool," Lu Han teases, and Jongdae gives him a playful shove.

"He stared when I took it off, but he didn't freak out. He asked what happened to my face and I told him I got hurt, so he got worried and asked me if it hurts a lot. I said it was a while ago and it doesn't hurt anymore, and...that was it. He was done asking questions and ready for his lesson. I couldn't believe it was that easy, but he didn't even seem to notice after that."

Lu Han's surprised too, but in a good way. "I guess kids are simpler than adults."

"I guess so. One little boy did get scared, but he was shy, so it might've been just because I was a new person. And there was a teenage girl who kept alternating between staring at me and refusing to look at me at all, but Hyejin-noona had me demonstrate part of a song for her at the end and I think she was impressed, so that's something. It's only one day's worth of kids, but they reacted a lot better than I expected."

"And I'm sure the ones who don't take it as well will get used to you," Lu Han says. "And if not, that's their loss."

"Exactly," Jongdae agrees, laughing. Then, more sincere but still smiling, "Thanks for talking me into this. And, you know, getting me to the point where I'd even think about trying it."

"That wasn't me," Lu Han protests.

"Not entirely, but you helped a lot." Lu Han opens his mouth, but Jongdae cuts him off, "Don't even think about arguing."

Lu Han laughs. "Okay."

"It's..." Jongdae's expression turns a little wistful, but not really sad. "I think I'll always have some regrets, you know, about what could've been. I love performing, and this teaching thing, it's different, but...I'm excited. More than I have been about anything in a long time."

"Even me?" Lu Han jokes, trying to pretend he isn't touched by Jongdae's words.

"Don't ruin the moment." Jongdae hits him in the arm, but he's smiling. "You're different."

"Good," Lu Han says smugly. Then, "I'm glad. I'm really happy for you. And...this is just the start. I'm sure there'll be other exciting things in your future."

Jongdae glances over at the door before getting up on his knees, catching Lu Han's hands to pull himself close. He gives Lu Han a kiss, followed by a fond and happy smile. Then he sits back and, without letting go of Lu Han's hands, asks, "So what about you? Tell me all the about-to-debut gossip since last time we talked."

Lu Han let's himself be distracted, launching into tales of debut preparation, good and bad, but his hands stay in Jongdae's and a wide smile lingers on his face.




Lu Han wants to be there to cheer Jongdae on as he prepares for his new job, but he barely has time for a text here and there as the days remaining before his debut showcase dwindle down to one week. He's simultaneously excited and terrified, waiting for some last minute rejection, for management to decide they don't want him or the fans to decide they hate him. He does get yelled at an awful lot, but so does the whole group, and no one tells him he's out, deemed not good enough to debut after all.

The week passes in a haze of physical and mental exhaustion, but then the day arrives and he realizes that this is it, one way or another. All his hard work, all the stress and fear and self-doubt has come to this, the goal that so few trainees reach. It's terrifying, but exciting too, and he reminds himself just how lucky he is to have made it here.

He spends the better part of the day at the venue, practicing for the performance and their scripted introductions, doing last minute fittings and hair touch ups and everything else to make this first public appearance as perfect as it can be. They take a break at last for a (depressingly small) lunch and Lu Han eats quickly before sneaking off to call Jongdae.

They won't have much time, but today is Jongdae's first day teaching on his own and Lu Han knows he must be nervous even if he's been laughing it off. Teaching children to sing may not seem like as big a deal as an idol's debut showcase, but for Jongdae, it's a big and probably scary step forward. Distracted as he's been by everything going on in his own life, Lu Han is very proud of him.

He says as much to Jongdae when he finds an empty bathroom and video calls him, and Jongdae laughs but looks pleased at the same time. "I mean it," Lu Han presses. "You've come a long way."

"And so have you." Jongdae smiles brightly, holding his phone far enough back that Lu Han can see his whole happy face. "Are you nervous?"

"A little," Lu Han admits. "You?"

"Same," Jongdae answers. "If you get scared on stage, just remember that you can do this, and imagine me yelling at you to be confident. It's been a while since I did that, but you remember what it's like, right?"

"I don't know. You might have to remind me." It's a lie, because even though it has been a while, Lu Han remembers very well, but he feels like he could use a refresher, and he thinks it'll make Jongdae happy.

Jongdae rolls his eyes, but then he gathers himself, easy demeanor turning more stern. "You're not a trainee anymore but an idol about to debut, and they didn't pick you just for your pretty face. You're talented and you've worked hard and you absolutely can do this, so go out there and show them what you're made of." His delivery is like a coach giving a pre-game pep talk, but with just a hint of wryness that makes Lu Han smile.

"I'll do my best. Do I need to give you a pep talk too?"

"Sure, why not?" Jongdae says, grinning.

He's probably just expecting a good laugh, but Lu Han decides to try for real; Jongdae deserves it at least as much, but probably a lot more than he does. "You've worked hard too, you know, and you're really...you may not realize it, but you made a big difference for me in so many ways. I know you can be a great teacher and make a difference for these kids too, so..."

He runs out of steam for the finish, and Jongdae laughs. "That was better than I expected from you." Then, more sincerely, "Thank you, really. I'll do my best too. I'm sure we'll both be amazing today."

"Exactly." Lu Han's about to say more when the door to the bathroom he's hiding in opens. He starts, but it's only Minseok standing in the doorway.

"Hey," he says. "Talking to Jongdae?"

Lu Han nods, and Jongdae calls out, "Hi!"

Minseok comes over to stand by Lu Han, waving at Jongdae. "Hi. I hear you're starting lessons today."

"That's right," Jongdae says. "In about two hours."

"Good luck!" Minseok tells him. "You'll do great. I mean, look at what your first student has accomplished." He gestures at Lu Han.

Jongdae laughs. "I'm not sure how much credit I can take for that, but thanks, hyung. Good luck to you too."

"Thank you." To Lu Han, Minseok says, "I came to tell you that we're starting a run through in five minutes."

"I'll be there in a minute." Minseok leaves, and Lu Han turns his attention back to Jongdae. "I guess I should go."

"Yes, shoo." Jongdae waves him off. "Tell Yixing and everyone good luck from me."

"I will." Lu Han hesitates with his finger over the hang up button and says, "Thank you, Jongdae. I honestly wouldn't be here today if not for you."

Jongdae smiles in that way that makes his whole face light up, the smile that made Lu Han fall for him what feels like a long time ago. "Me neither." Then, quickly, before Lu Han can get any sappier, "I love you. Now go before you get in trouble on your official debut day."

"Love you too," Lu Han replies, and then says a quick goodbye before finally hanging up.

They do their run through and finish getting ready and get a mix of stern lectures and pep talks and then before Lu Han knows it, it's time, and he finds himself waiting in the wings to go on stage. His heart is pounding so hard it makes his old stage fright feel like child's play, and he's pretty sure he's trembling as the music starts to play. This is so big that it's terrifying, his debut performance, the first real test of whether he can make it as an idol.

But then he remembers Jongdae's words and closes his eyes for a moment. He imagines Jongdae yelling, "Stand up straight and stop being a scaredy cat! You've trained so much to prepare for this. There's no way you can't do it, so go out there and show them."

Lu Han's not sure it actually makes him feel confident, but it makes him smile, and he needs that just as much now. If nothing else, he can't let Jongdae and everyone else who's supported him until now down. If they believe he can do this, he'll have to believe it too, and do his best to prove them all right.

When he moves out on stage, the lights are blinding and the screams overwhelming and Lu Han almost falters, but he reminds himself to stand up straight and sing like he knows he can. He takes a deep breath to steady himself, and then another to fill his lungs, and then with all the confidence he's gathered over the last year, he opens his mouth and sings.

Comments

[xiukisses]

I'm so ;;;;;; At first I was expecting something REALLY sad, like one of them was going to die, based on your tweets. I AM IMMENSELY RELIEVED THAT WAS NOT THE CASE (but poor baekhyun sobs). I read this at fourish in the morning when I was half-delirious from lack of sleep so I don't quite have a longer comment prepared (I'm sorry).

Once again, your writing is truly amazing. I could feel the emotion in this fic and Lu Han is so ;;;;;;;;; I don't really have words to describe it but you have done a wonderful job and I just <3333

[sparklepox]

No, I decided to take a break from killing off characters. XD But this is a different kind of mean, I think.

Thank you for reading and commenting. Posting this fic made me dkfjgh so I'm really glad to hear that you liked it. ♥