Sometimes I'm only mostly evil
Jul. 3rd, 2014 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepoxTitle: A Little Better
Pairing: Lu Han/Minseok(-ish gen, really)
Rating: R
Word Count: 6444
Summary: Lu Han is a mess that Minseok can't fix, but maybe all he needs is a little hope to fix himself.
Notes: This was started as part of Try To Remember but I stopped because I didn't want to give it an unhappy ending. I found it in the depths of my writing folder recently and decided to finish it.
Warnings: emotional abuse and off-screen physical abuse
His first year out of university (and straight into grad school), Minseok works the late shift at a little coffee shop. It's close enough to the university to merit being open until midnight, but except near exam time, they don't get that much business at night, so he can easily manage by himself. Sometimes his friends who are still in university come to keep him company for a few hours, but usually he's on his own, doing his reading or messing around on his phone in between cleaning and serving the occasional customer.
He's been on that shift for two weeks at most the first time Lu Han comes in. There's nothing to immediately distinguish him from the usual college kids. He looks the right age (if not young enough to still be in high school), and he's dressed casually, not like a businessman. He looks a little haggard, but so do most university students who feel the need to come to a coffee shop at 10 p.m. Minseok notices him, because there are no other customers and also it's not every day you see a guy that pretty, but he doesn't give him too much thought.
Lu Han orders a small hot chocolate in lightly-accented but perfectly understandable Korean and pays with a fistful of coins out of his pocket before taking a seat at the table right by the counter. He moves slowly and Minseok wonders just how tired he must be, but it's no more than a vague interest. He makes up the hot chocolate and, after a moment's consideration, takes it over to the table.
Lu Han is staring off into space, and he jumps when Minseok puts the cup down. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Minseok says, offering his polite customer service smile.
"It's okay," Lu Han says quickly. Then, "Thank you."
They don't talk more that night. Minseok doesn't want to bother him, and in any case a noisy group of students comes in soon after. By the time he's finished with them, the cup is in the dish return area and Lu Han is gone.
Three nights later, he comes in again. "Nice to see you," Minseok says like they're friends, because that's what you do for regular customers.
Lu Han looks surprised. "You remember me?"
Minseok gestures around the empty shop. "There's not a lot of action on this shift. It's not hard to remember people."
"Oh," Lu Han says quietly, and Minseok wonders if he's disappointed. He orders another small hot chocolate and sits at the same table, so Minseok decides he might as well take the drink to his table. "Such service," Lu Han says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Only for special customers," Minseok says. "You don't see me doing it for anyone else, do you?" The shop is still empty. Minseok is pleased when that gets a small laugh out of Lu Han.
"Thanks." Lu Han takes a sip of his drink and looks away, and Minseok takes the hint and leaves him alone.
It takes two more visits, two nights in a row, before Lu Han asks his name. "Minseok," he repeats, carefully forming the syllables. It turns out they're the same age, even though neither of them looks twenty-four, so there's no need to be too polite. Lu Han is talkative that night, leaning on the counter to ask Minseok questions as he cleans.
Lu Han's eyes light up when Minseok says he's studying Chinese literature and translation. "Chinese?" he asks.
"Don't get excited," Minseok quickly tells him. "I can read, but I can't speak to save my life." He feels bad at the way Lu Han's face falls.
He manages to get out of Lu Han that he's from Beijing and has been in Korea for four years, but almost nothing else. He's adept at brushing off questions, turning them around on Minseok, and Minseok doesn't feel right pushing. It's none of his business, and even if they're talking comfortably, Lu Han is still a customer. It wouldn't do to upset him. So he lets Lu Han pull out half his life story and doesn't wonder too much about why Lu Han doesn't want to tell his own.
The next time he comes in, Lu Han's eyes are red. His expression is bland, nothing to suggest that he's sad, but either he's suffering from terrible allergies or he's been crying, probably a lot. "Hot chocolate?" Minseok asks, flashing him his extra bright customer-clearly-having-a-bad-day smile.
"Please." Lu Han's voice sounds rough, and he clears his throat.
Minseok waits until he's making the hot chocolate to ask, "Bad day?"
He doesn't really expect Lu Han to answer, which is why he's surprised to hear a quiet, "I had a fight. With my friend." There's the slightest pause before he says "friend" and it could mean nothing, but Minseok isn't too sure.
"I'm sorry," he says neutrally. "That sucks."
"Yeah." Lu Han doesn't offer any more information and Minseok doesn't want to pry, so he hands over the hot chocolate in silence, and Lu Han sits down to brood over it.
Minseok is debating what to say to Lu Han next when a couple comes in. They order coffee and a piece of cake and take it to the farthest corner of the shop, where they proceed to be incredibly clingy and affectionate while sharing both the cake and a chair. Minseok turns to Lu Han expecting to share an eyeroll, but instead he sees Lu Han looking at the couple with an expression that could only be called wistful.
Something about it makes Minseok uncomfortable, so he teasingly asks, "Pining for your university days?"
Lu Han starts and turns a look that's almost scared on him, which only makes Minseok more uncomfortable. He's searching for an appropriate response when Lu Han asks, "Have you ever been like that? So wrapped up in someone you forgot the rest of the world existed?"
Minseok's only really been in love like that once and it didn't end well, but he can remember the feeling. He's not much of a romantic, but it was too easy to get caught up in everything, to let his whole world revolve around one person. "Yeah," he says. "But then my girlfriend cheated on me, so I guess I learned my lesson. You?" It's probably the wrong question, but he asks it anyway. He's tired of always being the only one sharing anything about himself.
"Yes," Lu Han says, and he doesn't look scared anymore, just sad. "But I learned my lesson too."
"Are you okay?" Minseok asks after a long, considering pause. He's pushing now, breaking that wall he's let Lu Han put up between them, but he doesn't like the look in Lu Han's eyes and he wants to do something about it.
Lu Han looks at him for a long moment, and Minseok tries to read something in his eyes but can't. "No," he finally says, "but I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," Minseok says, because he can't argue with that. "Do you want a cookie?"
"Huh?" Lu Han looks so adorably confused Minseok can't help but laugh (and he notices out of the corner of his eye that it startles the couple, which makes him vindictively pleased).
"A cookie," he repeats. "On the house."
Lu Han looks at him for what feels like a long time again, eyes still unreadable, but in the end, all he says is, "Yes, please."
Lu Han looks as happy as he ever does the next time he comes in, so Minseok doesn't ask about his bad day and they talk about soccer and how much it's been raining lately and nothing at all complicated or sad. Before Minseok knows it, it's midnight and he has to usher Lu Han out the door so he can close up. It's the first time he's stayed until closing, and it's amazing how much faster Minseok's shift passed with him there.
He's back the next day at nine o'clock, and Minseok's happy for a few seconds before he gets a good look at Lu Han's face. There's a dark, angry bruise under his left eye, spreading down along his cheekbone. It stands out stark against his pale skin and looks like it has to hurt. "What happened?" Minseok asks before Lu Han can order, alarmed.
"You should see the other guy." It should be a joke, but Lu Han's expression is empty and Minseok's professional smile goes stiff on his face at the sound of his flat voice.
"Have a seat," Minseok tells him. "I'll get you your drink." He makes a large hot chocolate and takes it to Lu Han, who hardly seems to notice even though he always orders a small.
There are other customers, so Minseok can't sit down with Lu Han the way he'd like to (even if he has no idea what to do or say). He hurries through serving them and is relieved when Lu Han is still there twenty minutes later, absently sipping at his drink and staring into space.
Minseok hurries over to him, bringing a cookie to make up for asking him, "Are you okay? What happened?"
"It's nothing." Lu Han accepts the cookie and takes a bite, chewing slowly.
"There's a giant bruise on your face," Minseok points out, which he thinks is a reasonable enough response considering that Lu Han is trying to pretend it doesn't exist.
"I got in a fight. It happens."
"With your friend?" Minseok asks. He says it without thinking, but once he does, the pieces start to come together in a way he doesn't like, a way he really hopes he's wrong about.
"What do you care?" Lu Han shoots back, and it hurts even though he has a valid point. They're not really friends, and maybe it was silly of Minseok to feel like they were getting there.
"Don't you?" he asks. He sounds angrier than he really feels, frustrated. "If someone punched me in the face, I'd be pretty pissed off. And my face isn't nearly as pretty as yours."
That's the wrong thing to say, apparently. What little emotion had snuck onto Lu Han's face disappears, that empty mask back up. "Sorry you don't have my pretty little face to look at while you work today," he says bitingly.
There are a lot of things Minseok could say to that, most of them harsh, but he holds himself back. "Enjoy your cookie," he says as politely as he can manage. "You know where to find me if you want to talk, tonight or another time."
He goes back to the counter, and Lu Han doesn't try to stop him or even watch him go. He doesn't leave yet, but whenever Minseok glances over, he's just staring at the table, and at ten thirty, he disappears. Minseok can't help wondering, even though it's probably none of his business, if he's going back to the person who gave him that black eye.
Lu Han doesn't come back for a week, and Minseok starts to think he may never see him again. He finds himself quite unhappy with the idea. They may not be friends yet, but he enjoys Lu Han's company. He'd like to keep enjoying it, and for them to become friends someday. He's also worried, even if he has no real right to be. Maybe Lu Han has other people to worry about him, but given that he keeps coming into a coffee shop to brood over hot chocolate alone, it doesn't seem that likely.
Then exactly a week later, Lu Han is back, ordering his usual drink with an apologetic look on his face. The bruise has faded to a sickly yellow, pale enough that Minseok might not notice if he wasn't looking for it, and Lu Han's smile is small and uncertain, but genuine. "Welcome back," Minseok says as he takes Lu Han's money, and doesn't ask any of the many questions he'd like to.
When he brings over the drink, Lu Han says, quickly like he wants to get it out before he changes his mind, "I'm sorry. About last time. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"Forget it," Minseok tells him. Then, after a moment's consideration, "But I meant what I said. If you ever want to talk, about anything, you can. Think of me like a bartender." He laughs, even though he's serious, so that it doesn't seem like a big deal.
"Thanks." Lu Han's voice is soft and Minseok thinks he understands that it's a genuine offer, not a joke.
There are other customers tonight, so Minseok has to hurry back to the register, but after about twenty minutes, he looks up from wiping the counter to see Lu Han standing near where he puts the drinks out. "Hi," he says with a sheepish smile. "About that bartender thing..."
"Talk away." Minseok gestures at him to go ahead. "I'll listen and nod like I have profound thoughts on the subject."
That gets Lu Han's smile to widen a bit, so apparently he's doing something right, but then silence stretches out between them and Minseok wonders if Lu Han will actually follow through. He goes back to wiping the counter, less because it still needs it than so that he doesn't have to awkwardly wait for Lu Han to talk. Finally, Lu Han asks, "What's your family like?"
Minseok isn't sure what he expected Lu Han to say, but it wasn't that. "I don't know." He continues to fuss around and pretend to clean. "Normal, I guess. I have a little sister, and my grandma started living with us when I was in high school."
"Do you get along with them? You see them a lot?"
"Not that much lately. My sister's in university, not that far away, but I only ever see her when we both go home for holidays. We talk on the phone and e-mail sometimes, but...it's different once you don't live together."
"Hmm." Minseok looks up from pointlessly shuffling around cups to see Lu Han looking wistful again. "I used to wish I had a sister."
"Really?" Minseok asks, surprised. "I always wanted a brother." Lu Han seems like the kind of guy who would be happy with a big brother to tag along after or a little brother to drag into all kinds of mischief.
Lu Han hesitates and Minseok expects him to change the subject, but eventually he says, "My mom really wanted a daughter. Most people in China are happy with boys, but she wanted a girl. It would've...she would've been happier. With a girl."
That sounds like another piece of the puzzle that is Lu Han, but Minseok can't figure out where it fits. "You mean she wasn't happy with you?" he asks warily, not sure how Lu Han will take it.
"What?" Lu Han seems confused by the question. "No, she was happy with me. A beautiful son was okay, even one who liked to play in the dirt and mess up his nice clothes."
Now Minseok understands even less, to the point where he doesn't even know what to ask. He settles for a mundane question: "Are your parents still in Beijing?"
From the way Lu Han flinches, that's not as safe a question as it would seem. "My mom died when I was in junior high," he says quietly.
"I'm sorry. And your dad?" Something tells Minseok to be warier now.
"My dad..." Lu Han bites his lip. "My dad is still there, but I don't go see him anymore."
So there it is. Minseok wants to ask more, but three girls come in and he has to go take their order. By the time he's done serving them, Lu Han is back at his table, so Minseok goes over to him. "Sorry," he says.
"It's okay."
He waits, but Lu Han doesn't say anything else, so he prompts, "You were talking about your dad?"
"Oh." Lu Han sighs and looks down at his long since empty cup. "My dad didn't want a girl. He didn't want a girly boy either."
"But you're not..." Despite his pretty face, Lu Han doesn't seem girly to Minseok. From his style of dress to his interest in sports, he's as stereotypically manly as any of Minseok's guy friends (and more than some, who are into make-up and fashion and have been known to shriek at the sight of bugs).
"It didn't matter if I liked soccer and getting dirty and never, ever cried." Lu Han's got that bland look on his face again which Minseok is coming to realize means he's experiencing too many emotions rather than too few. "He saw the same thing my mom wanted to, but he didn't like it."
It's a sad story, even without any detail, but Minseok can't quite make the connection to Lu Han's bruised face and his fights with his "friend." It can't be Lu Han's dad that hurt him, if he's in Beijing and they no longer meet. "I'm sorry," he says, at a loss for how else to respond.
"That's not the point, anyway. The point is...I was a mess when I moved to Korea, and for a while after that. And then I met someone who didn't care, someone who made me feel good and important and like I was okay the way I was and I could be whoever I wanted to be."
He stops, then, and Minseok waits for more, but there's only silence. "Is this that friend of yours?" he asks after a while, when it becomes clear that Lu Han's not going to elaborate.
Lu Han nods but still doesn't say anything more.
It's probably too much, but Minseok finds himself asking, "Boyfriend?" It's hard to imagine a girl leaving a bruise like that, and anyway, that would explain the vague "friend" title.
Lu Han's head snaps up, surprise and fear in his eyes, though Minseok thinks he shouldn't be so shocked that Minseok was able to connect the dots. "It's not a big deal," Minseok assures him, pulling out the calming voice he uses on stressed out, impatient customers. "I'm just asking."
There's another long silence, but finally Lu Han says, "Yes. Boyfriend."
"And he hit you?"
And there it is finally, the step too far. Lu Han's expression goes shuttered and dark. "You know, forget it. I shouldn't have... I should go home. I'll see you."
"Wait," Minseok protests, but Lu Han is already getting to his feet, and he hurries out, for the first time leaving his cup on the table.
He doesn't expect to see Lu Han again soon, or possibly ever, but he comes in at ten the following night. He orders his drink without meeting Minseok's eyes, but he sits down at his usual nearby table, and obviously he's not completely avoiding Minseok if he's here. It's a Friday night so things are a little busier, but around 10:30, there's a lull and Minseok goes over to Lu Han's table.
"Hey," he says. Lu Han looks up from his contemplation of the table, and his expression is wary, but at least he's looking at Minseok. "I wasn't sure you'd be back."
Lu Han pulls a wry face. "It was stupid of me, asking to talk to you and then freaking out when you actually tried to talk."
"It's fine. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." He hopes Lu Han will, because it sounds like he's in a bad situation, but it's pretty clear that he'll have to do it in his own time.
"Thanks," Lu Han says quietly. "I, um...thanks."
And then he's quiet, so Minseok asks, "Did you get to watch Manchester United's match from yesterday?"
Lu Han flashes him a look, relieved and surprised and grateful, and then he smiles. "Yeah, I watched it this morning. What the hell was going on with that defense?"
They talk about soccer in between Minseok serving customers until Lu Han leaves a little after eleven. Although Minseok's still both curious and worried about Lu Han and his boyfriend, he's relieved, at least, that Lu Han is still willing to talk to him. The rest will have to wait.
He doesn't push the next few times Lu Han comes in, and they stick to safe subjects. Minseok's a little frustrated, but he decides it can't be helped. Then one night Lu Han comes in and Minseok can immediately see that there's something off about him, though he can't pinpoint exactly what. He can't see any bruises or other injuries, but there's a tightness to Lu Han's expression, like he's upset or in pain, and then as Lu Han approaches the register, Minseok realizes that he's limping.
He wants to ask immediately what's wrong, but he's learned his lesson about how that goes, so instead he asks, "The usual?"
Lu Han's face briefly registers surprise, like he expected Minseok to ask, but then it goes flat again. "Yeah," he says. "And a chocolate chip cookie."
Is that a hint, Minseok wonders. Or maybe Lu Han just wants a cookie. In any case, he takes Lu Han's money and prepares his drink and cookie, taking them over and sitting down since the only other customer has been hiding in a corner with a book since Minseok's shift started. Lu Han looks up at him and then back down, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. Then he picks up the cookie and breaks it in half, offering one of the pieces to Minseok.
He accepts it and takes a bite before finally speaking. "Will you get mad if I ask what's wrong?"
"I fell," Lu Han says without looking at him.
"Let me guess: you tripped?" It's probably not good to be sarcastic about this, but it's hard not to be after the way Lu Han responded to him last time he tried to press for information.
"No." Lu Han is still looking down and his voice is very quiet. "I was pushed."
It's so not what Minseok's expecting that for a moment he thinks he heard wrong. "You what?" he asks.
"I was pushed," Lu Han repeats, his voice even quieter so that Minseok has to strain to hear it over the music. "And I fell and hit my knee. And then I didn't want to be at home anymore so I came here."
Minseok has been hoping for Lu Han to open up to him more, but now that it's happened, he doesn't know how to respond. Where does he even start, when he can't understand at all why Lu Han would stay around someone who hurts him? Minseok has seen him in a tank top and shorts so he knows he's strong enough to fight back if he wants to, and it just doesn't make sense to him, Lu Han rolling over and taking it if he doesn't have to.
"Why do you let him do that?" he asks at last.
Lu Han fidgets with his cup but doesn't take a drink, and Minseok is almost sure he won't answer, but after a while, he says, "He's not a bad person. He wasn't. He helped me so much when I really needed someone."
"Good people don't hurt someone who cares about them," Minseok says, a little too forcefully, maybe, but he can't help it. "Not on purpose."
"You'd be surprised." Lu Han sounds so tired, so beat down that Minseok just wants to give him a hug and tell him it'll all be okay, even if it's a lie.
"No, I wouldn't. Maybe good people have bad days, once in a while, but not like this."
"What do you even know?" Lu Han asks, but there's no bite to it. Minseok almost wishes there was; it's unnerving, his voice sounding so bland and dead.
"I don't," Minseok admits. "But that's twice you've come in here hurt and it sure doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve it."
"I do a lot of things," Lu Han says. "I get jealous and clingy and I want too much attention. I'm not good at giving people space." It sounds like he's repeating something he was told, the words coming out mechanically.
"And that's reason enough to hit you?"
Lu Han goes quiet, and Minseok wonders if he's crossed the invisible line again. The seconds tick by and just when Minseok is sure this is the end of today's conversation, Lu Han says, "I just want to be good enough for someone. I try, but I never am."
And there, Minseok thinks, the pieces finally fall into place. Lu Han's parents each expected him to be what they wanted, even if it was something he could never be. Maybe this boyfriend really did accept Lu Han as he was, once upon a time, but now he's doing the same thing, expecting him to be something he isn't and punishing him when he's not. And Lu Han takes it, which is harder to understand, but maybe after so many years of conditioning, he thinks he deserves it, for not being what his boyfriend wants him to be.
Minseok realizes the silence has stretched out too long while he was thinking, and he hurries to say, "That's not true. It probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but I think you're good enough. Anyone is good enough, if they're trying to be, and even if you weren't, nobody deserves to be hurt." He's babbling, but he does mean every word of it.
Lu Han doesn't answer, and Minseok notices that he's slowly, methodically breaking his half of the cookie into tiny pieces. Maybe he's just fidgeting, but the symbolism is a little much for Minseok.
"Lu Han," he says sharply, and Lu Han starts and then goes very still, tense, which is a lot more unnerving than him crumbling his cookie. Minseok reaches out by reflex and puts a hand on his forearm. Lu Han flinches, but he doesn't pull away.
"I don't understand," he says. "Why do you care?" It's the second time he's asked Minseok a question like that, but there's no anger in it this time. His voice is just quiet, so quiet.
Because you're my friend, Minseok thinks. Because you're funny and interesting and obscenely good looking and I don't understand why you'd stay with someone who makes you so sad when you could easily find someone better.
But he doesn't know what to say, because with Lu Han he's always too afraid of saying the wrong thing and making him shut down. "People do that sometimes," he says instead, trying not to sound too sarcastic. "Care about other people, especially people who are having a rough time."
"So what, I'm a charity case?" There's a little anger there, maybe, but Lu Han still sounds tired more than anything else.
"No," Minseok tells him firmly. "You're a friend. I mean, if you want to be."
Lu Han looks surprised at that and Minseok feels kind of awkward, but then he smiles, weak but better than nothing, and says, "Yeah. I'd like a friend."
There's not much Minseok can do for Lu Han. He can't force him to leave his abusive boyfriend, can't erase his memories of the childhood that set him up for this, can't make him believe in his own self-worth. All he can do is serve him hot chocolate and cookies and listen to him when he wants to talk and let him know that someone cares, someone who doesn't need him to be anyone except who he is.
It's hard sometimes, because Minseok has a practical mind and not too many issues and he just can't understand why Lu Han lives like this, why the breaking point Minseok keeps anticipating where he finally has enough and stands up for himself never comes. He wants to shake Lu Han, to yell at him and ask, "Why don't you put an end to it?" But he doesn't, only reassures Lu Han when he can, and hopes that someday, maybe, he'll realize he's strong enough and worth the effort and get out before it gets any worse.
Only that's not what happens. What happens instead is that one night when the coffee shop is empty except him and Lu Han, sitting at Lu Han's usual table and chatting about nothing in particular, the door opens and a man walks in. Minseok gets to his feet to go back behind the counter, but he freezes when he sees the look on Lu Han's face, his eyes wide and scared. He opens his mouth to ask what's wrong, but seeing the man angrily stomping toward them, he already knows the answer.
The man stops in front of the table and gives Minseok a dirty look, and Lu Han an even worse one, like he's hardly worthy of that much attention. "I thought we agreed you wouldn't come here anymore," he snaps.
Minseok is standing, but the man is a good head taller than him, with a broader build, the kind of body Minseok might be impressed with under other circumstances. He towers over Lu Han, who's still sitting down and curling in on himself to look even smaller. Even though Lu Han's body language screams submission, when he speaks up, it's to say, "We didn't agree. You just told me not to come."
The man, who is quite obviously Lu Han's boyfriend, doesn't like that answer at all. "And just like always, you don't have the sense to listen to me." He gives Minseok another look, down and up the length of his body, and then scoffs. "Is this the reason you can't stay away? You found a pretty little twink you can't get enough of?"
Minseok bristles at that but keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to make things worse. Lu Han doesn't argue this time, his head down.
"That's it, isn't it? Why you keep coming back?" The man turns a glare on Minseok, who fights the impulse to take a step back. "Did he let you fuck him? Or get down on his knees and suck you off with that pretty mouth? Or maybe you spread your legs for him, let him feel like the manly top he wants to be instead of the pillow-biting bottom he is."
It's lucky there are no other customers or Minseok would be in so much trouble, but he's close to getting in trouble anyway because if this guy doesn't shut up soon, he's going to punch him square in the face. He doesn't even particularly care about Lu Han's asshole boyfriend's weak insults or the assumptions he's making about Minseok. He cares that Lu Han is sinking further and further down in his seat, tense and frightened, and it's just so wrong that he should be that afraid of this blustering man.
"That must be it," the jerk continues when he fails to get a response from Minseok or Lu Han. "He probably bends you over a table and fucks you hard, makes you tell him how amazing he is at it, how good his cock feels inside of you. Gets you to cry the way he does for me. I bet you look so pretty with tears in your eyes, begging to come. Maybe I should—"
"Don't you dare."
Lu Han's voice isn't loud, but it's sharp, cutting right through the rambling. His boyfriend breaks off, startled, and Minseok is too. He watches as Lu Han gets up in what feels like slow motion, uncurling to his full height (taller than Minseok but still shorter than his boyfriend), and looks at the man with defiance burning in his eyes. "I don't care what you do to me, but don't you dare threaten Minseok. Don't you dare touch him."
Lu Han's boyfriend is shocked into silence, looking at Lu Han like he's grown another head. Minseok wonders if he's ever defied him so directly before. He recovers too quickly, though, and laughs in Lu Han's face. "And what are you going to do to me if I do touch him?"
For one long, tense moment, everything seems frozen. Then Lu Han punches him, hard. He stumbles back, but quickly finds his footing and advances on Lu Han, expression contorted with rage. "How dare you—" he starts, but he doesn't get any farther because Minseok can't watch anymore and he steps between them.
He may be the smallest of the three of them, but he's strong and he knows his way around a fight, even if he's never put his martial arts training to real life use before. The man underestimates him, and Minseok uses that to his full advantage, getting in a few good hits before twisting his arm behind his back until he yelps in pain.
"Let me be clear," Minseok growls into the man's ear, surprised at the unfamiliar anger in his own voice. "Lu Han may not care what you do to him, but I do, and I've had enough of you fucking with him. Maybe you were good to him once, but now you're nothing but a bully and it needs to stop. Get the hell out of my cafe and don't ever come back."
He lets go and moves away, then waits. Lu Han is watching too, and he's still tense and probably still scared, but he doesn't look cornered like before. His boyfriend looks back and forth between them, a mess of emotions Minseok doesn't pretend to understand playing over his face. "This is really how it ends?" he asks Lu Han. "After everything?"
Lu Han flinches, and Minseok is afraid he'll back down, but then he stands up straighter. "Minseok's right. It needs to stop."
"You're leaving me for him? What does he know about—"
"I'm not leaving you for anyone," Lu Han cuts in. "I don't know if you really believe the things you said about us, but we haven't done anything but talk. We're just friends." His voice is still firm, but the anger is gone, replaced by a heavy sadness. "You and me, we used to be friends, but we haven't been in a long time. That's why I'm leaving." The man opens his mouth again, but Lu Han doesn't let him speak. "Get out. Enough already. I'm done." He turns his back very deliberately and sits down at the table.
Minseok stays where he is and watches as Lu Han's boyfriend draws in a sharp breath, fists clenching in anger, and then lets it out, defeat in the drooping lines of his shoulders. "I hope you know what a fucking mess he is," he tells Minseok, unable to resist one last dig. "Run away while you still can." Then he turns on his heel and walks out, slamming the door behind him.
Once the door closes, Minseok slumps into the other chair at Lu Han's table, realizing now how much adrenaline is coursing through his veins. He looks at Lu Han, who seems to have lost all his certainty, drooping in his seat and staring at his hands. "I'm sorry," he says, weak and miserable. "I didn't want... I didn't mean..." He shakes his head. "You shouldn't have gotten caught in the middle of that. It's not your fight."
"I'm not sorry," Minseok stubbornly retorts. "I know it's none of my business, but if this is what it takes, I'm not sorry at all."
Lu Han sighs heavily. "You must think I'm pathetic." He's rubbing at the hand he threw the punch with earlier. Minseok wonders if he's hurt, if he's ever hit anyone before. "Sure, he's scary, but I'm not some weak little thing. I shouldn't need someone to defend me."
"I don't think you're pathetic. I don't understand, but...well, that's why I don't think you're pathetic, because I don't know what I'd do in your place. You must have had your reasons." Minseok's lucky to have an uncomplicated, loving family, and good friends. He can't pretend to know what it's like to have only one person, a person like that.
"Do you...?" Lu Han sighs again. "I don't want you to think it's because of you. I mean, it is, in a way, you helped me a lot, but I'm not leaving him for you. It's not that."
"I know," Minseok says quietly, uncomfortable. They really are just friends, and while Minseok would be lying if he said he wasn't interested in being more someday, now is not the time. It may not be the time for a while, if ever.
"It's not that I don't..." Lu Han continues. He frowns at his hands and shakes his head, leaving the thought unfinished. "I am a fucking mess. That part's true."
"Don't—" Minseok starts, but Lu Han interrupts.
"It's true. You've seen enough to know it is. But I think I can start being better now. Not...somebody else's better. Just me."
It makes Minseok sad, somehow, but he smiles. "Good. I like just you."
Finally, Lu Han looks up, and he smiles at Minseok, small but genuine. "And maybe after a while, when I'm a little better, a little less of a mess..."
"What?" Minseok asks, but he thinks he already knows what Lu Han's hinting at. It's nothing much, only maybe, but it's nice to know Lu Han might be interested in someday too. That's enough for now.
Lu Han just smiles a tiny bit wider. "Nothing. Just...it's been a while. Since I, you know..."
"No?" Minseok laughs shortly, lost now, and Lu Han's smile widens that much more.
"Since I had hope," he clarifies. His lips quirk into an embarrassed sort of grimace too, but he looks happy, and it makes Minseok smile. "Thank you," he adds, and now it's Minseok's turn to look embarrassed, but he keeps smiling.
"You're welcome," Minseok says lightly, half teasing because it's too serious otherwise. "Hope is good, but how about a cookie?"
Lu Han blinks at him in confusion for a long few seconds, and then he bursts out laughing, loud and uninhibited. It's not a good look for him, his jaw hanging wide open, but it makes Minseok grin widely anyway. Lu Han's probably right to say that he's a mess, but if he's laughing freely like this, Minseok thinks there's good reason for hope.
"Sure," Lu Han says when he finally stops laughing, a smile still stretching across his face. "I'd like a cookie too."
Pairing: Lu Han/Minseok(-ish gen, really)
Rating: R
Word Count: 6444
Summary: Lu Han is a mess that Minseok can't fix, but maybe all he needs is a little hope to fix himself.
Notes: This was started as part of Try To Remember but I stopped because I didn't want to give it an unhappy ending. I found it in the depths of my writing folder recently and decided to finish it.
Warnings: emotional abuse and off-screen physical abuse
His first year out of university (and straight into grad school), Minseok works the late shift at a little coffee shop. It's close enough to the university to merit being open until midnight, but except near exam time, they don't get that much business at night, so he can easily manage by himself. Sometimes his friends who are still in university come to keep him company for a few hours, but usually he's on his own, doing his reading or messing around on his phone in between cleaning and serving the occasional customer.
He's been on that shift for two weeks at most the first time Lu Han comes in. There's nothing to immediately distinguish him from the usual college kids. He looks the right age (if not young enough to still be in high school), and he's dressed casually, not like a businessman. He looks a little haggard, but so do most university students who feel the need to come to a coffee shop at 10 p.m. Minseok notices him, because there are no other customers and also it's not every day you see a guy that pretty, but he doesn't give him too much thought.
Lu Han orders a small hot chocolate in lightly-accented but perfectly understandable Korean and pays with a fistful of coins out of his pocket before taking a seat at the table right by the counter. He moves slowly and Minseok wonders just how tired he must be, but it's no more than a vague interest. He makes up the hot chocolate and, after a moment's consideration, takes it over to the table.
Lu Han is staring off into space, and he jumps when Minseok puts the cup down. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Minseok says, offering his polite customer service smile.
"It's okay," Lu Han says quickly. Then, "Thank you."
They don't talk more that night. Minseok doesn't want to bother him, and in any case a noisy group of students comes in soon after. By the time he's finished with them, the cup is in the dish return area and Lu Han is gone.
Three nights later, he comes in again. "Nice to see you," Minseok says like they're friends, because that's what you do for regular customers.
Lu Han looks surprised. "You remember me?"
Minseok gestures around the empty shop. "There's not a lot of action on this shift. It's not hard to remember people."
"Oh," Lu Han says quietly, and Minseok wonders if he's disappointed. He orders another small hot chocolate and sits at the same table, so Minseok decides he might as well take the drink to his table. "Such service," Lu Han says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Only for special customers," Minseok says. "You don't see me doing it for anyone else, do you?" The shop is still empty. Minseok is pleased when that gets a small laugh out of Lu Han.
"Thanks." Lu Han takes a sip of his drink and looks away, and Minseok takes the hint and leaves him alone.
It takes two more visits, two nights in a row, before Lu Han asks his name. "Minseok," he repeats, carefully forming the syllables. It turns out they're the same age, even though neither of them looks twenty-four, so there's no need to be too polite. Lu Han is talkative that night, leaning on the counter to ask Minseok questions as he cleans.
Lu Han's eyes light up when Minseok says he's studying Chinese literature and translation. "Chinese?" he asks.
"Don't get excited," Minseok quickly tells him. "I can read, but I can't speak to save my life." He feels bad at the way Lu Han's face falls.
He manages to get out of Lu Han that he's from Beijing and has been in Korea for four years, but almost nothing else. He's adept at brushing off questions, turning them around on Minseok, and Minseok doesn't feel right pushing. It's none of his business, and even if they're talking comfortably, Lu Han is still a customer. It wouldn't do to upset him. So he lets Lu Han pull out half his life story and doesn't wonder too much about why Lu Han doesn't want to tell his own.
The next time he comes in, Lu Han's eyes are red. His expression is bland, nothing to suggest that he's sad, but either he's suffering from terrible allergies or he's been crying, probably a lot. "Hot chocolate?" Minseok asks, flashing him his extra bright customer-clearly-having-a-bad-day smile.
"Please." Lu Han's voice sounds rough, and he clears his throat.
Minseok waits until he's making the hot chocolate to ask, "Bad day?"
He doesn't really expect Lu Han to answer, which is why he's surprised to hear a quiet, "I had a fight. With my friend." There's the slightest pause before he says "friend" and it could mean nothing, but Minseok isn't too sure.
"I'm sorry," he says neutrally. "That sucks."
"Yeah." Lu Han doesn't offer any more information and Minseok doesn't want to pry, so he hands over the hot chocolate in silence, and Lu Han sits down to brood over it.
Minseok is debating what to say to Lu Han next when a couple comes in. They order coffee and a piece of cake and take it to the farthest corner of the shop, where they proceed to be incredibly clingy and affectionate while sharing both the cake and a chair. Minseok turns to Lu Han expecting to share an eyeroll, but instead he sees Lu Han looking at the couple with an expression that could only be called wistful.
Something about it makes Minseok uncomfortable, so he teasingly asks, "Pining for your university days?"
Lu Han starts and turns a look that's almost scared on him, which only makes Minseok more uncomfortable. He's searching for an appropriate response when Lu Han asks, "Have you ever been like that? So wrapped up in someone you forgot the rest of the world existed?"
Minseok's only really been in love like that once and it didn't end well, but he can remember the feeling. He's not much of a romantic, but it was too easy to get caught up in everything, to let his whole world revolve around one person. "Yeah," he says. "But then my girlfriend cheated on me, so I guess I learned my lesson. You?" It's probably the wrong question, but he asks it anyway. He's tired of always being the only one sharing anything about himself.
"Yes," Lu Han says, and he doesn't look scared anymore, just sad. "But I learned my lesson too."
"Are you okay?" Minseok asks after a long, considering pause. He's pushing now, breaking that wall he's let Lu Han put up between them, but he doesn't like the look in Lu Han's eyes and he wants to do something about it.
Lu Han looks at him for a long moment, and Minseok tries to read something in his eyes but can't. "No," he finally says, "but I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," Minseok says, because he can't argue with that. "Do you want a cookie?"
"Huh?" Lu Han looks so adorably confused Minseok can't help but laugh (and he notices out of the corner of his eye that it startles the couple, which makes him vindictively pleased).
"A cookie," he repeats. "On the house."
Lu Han looks at him for what feels like a long time again, eyes still unreadable, but in the end, all he says is, "Yes, please."
Lu Han looks as happy as he ever does the next time he comes in, so Minseok doesn't ask about his bad day and they talk about soccer and how much it's been raining lately and nothing at all complicated or sad. Before Minseok knows it, it's midnight and he has to usher Lu Han out the door so he can close up. It's the first time he's stayed until closing, and it's amazing how much faster Minseok's shift passed with him there.
He's back the next day at nine o'clock, and Minseok's happy for a few seconds before he gets a good look at Lu Han's face. There's a dark, angry bruise under his left eye, spreading down along his cheekbone. It stands out stark against his pale skin and looks like it has to hurt. "What happened?" Minseok asks before Lu Han can order, alarmed.
"You should see the other guy." It should be a joke, but Lu Han's expression is empty and Minseok's professional smile goes stiff on his face at the sound of his flat voice.
"Have a seat," Minseok tells him. "I'll get you your drink." He makes a large hot chocolate and takes it to Lu Han, who hardly seems to notice even though he always orders a small.
There are other customers, so Minseok can't sit down with Lu Han the way he'd like to (even if he has no idea what to do or say). He hurries through serving them and is relieved when Lu Han is still there twenty minutes later, absently sipping at his drink and staring into space.
Minseok hurries over to him, bringing a cookie to make up for asking him, "Are you okay? What happened?"
"It's nothing." Lu Han accepts the cookie and takes a bite, chewing slowly.
"There's a giant bruise on your face," Minseok points out, which he thinks is a reasonable enough response considering that Lu Han is trying to pretend it doesn't exist.
"I got in a fight. It happens."
"With your friend?" Minseok asks. He says it without thinking, but once he does, the pieces start to come together in a way he doesn't like, a way he really hopes he's wrong about.
"What do you care?" Lu Han shoots back, and it hurts even though he has a valid point. They're not really friends, and maybe it was silly of Minseok to feel like they were getting there.
"Don't you?" he asks. He sounds angrier than he really feels, frustrated. "If someone punched me in the face, I'd be pretty pissed off. And my face isn't nearly as pretty as yours."
That's the wrong thing to say, apparently. What little emotion had snuck onto Lu Han's face disappears, that empty mask back up. "Sorry you don't have my pretty little face to look at while you work today," he says bitingly.
There are a lot of things Minseok could say to that, most of them harsh, but he holds himself back. "Enjoy your cookie," he says as politely as he can manage. "You know where to find me if you want to talk, tonight or another time."
He goes back to the counter, and Lu Han doesn't try to stop him or even watch him go. He doesn't leave yet, but whenever Minseok glances over, he's just staring at the table, and at ten thirty, he disappears. Minseok can't help wondering, even though it's probably none of his business, if he's going back to the person who gave him that black eye.
Lu Han doesn't come back for a week, and Minseok starts to think he may never see him again. He finds himself quite unhappy with the idea. They may not be friends yet, but he enjoys Lu Han's company. He'd like to keep enjoying it, and for them to become friends someday. He's also worried, even if he has no real right to be. Maybe Lu Han has other people to worry about him, but given that he keeps coming into a coffee shop to brood over hot chocolate alone, it doesn't seem that likely.
Then exactly a week later, Lu Han is back, ordering his usual drink with an apologetic look on his face. The bruise has faded to a sickly yellow, pale enough that Minseok might not notice if he wasn't looking for it, and Lu Han's smile is small and uncertain, but genuine. "Welcome back," Minseok says as he takes Lu Han's money, and doesn't ask any of the many questions he'd like to.
When he brings over the drink, Lu Han says, quickly like he wants to get it out before he changes his mind, "I'm sorry. About last time. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"Forget it," Minseok tells him. Then, after a moment's consideration, "But I meant what I said. If you ever want to talk, about anything, you can. Think of me like a bartender." He laughs, even though he's serious, so that it doesn't seem like a big deal.
"Thanks." Lu Han's voice is soft and Minseok thinks he understands that it's a genuine offer, not a joke.
There are other customers tonight, so Minseok has to hurry back to the register, but after about twenty minutes, he looks up from wiping the counter to see Lu Han standing near where he puts the drinks out. "Hi," he says with a sheepish smile. "About that bartender thing..."
"Talk away." Minseok gestures at him to go ahead. "I'll listen and nod like I have profound thoughts on the subject."
That gets Lu Han's smile to widen a bit, so apparently he's doing something right, but then silence stretches out between them and Minseok wonders if Lu Han will actually follow through. He goes back to wiping the counter, less because it still needs it than so that he doesn't have to awkwardly wait for Lu Han to talk. Finally, Lu Han asks, "What's your family like?"
Minseok isn't sure what he expected Lu Han to say, but it wasn't that. "I don't know." He continues to fuss around and pretend to clean. "Normal, I guess. I have a little sister, and my grandma started living with us when I was in high school."
"Do you get along with them? You see them a lot?"
"Not that much lately. My sister's in university, not that far away, but I only ever see her when we both go home for holidays. We talk on the phone and e-mail sometimes, but...it's different once you don't live together."
"Hmm." Minseok looks up from pointlessly shuffling around cups to see Lu Han looking wistful again. "I used to wish I had a sister."
"Really?" Minseok asks, surprised. "I always wanted a brother." Lu Han seems like the kind of guy who would be happy with a big brother to tag along after or a little brother to drag into all kinds of mischief.
Lu Han hesitates and Minseok expects him to change the subject, but eventually he says, "My mom really wanted a daughter. Most people in China are happy with boys, but she wanted a girl. It would've...she would've been happier. With a girl."
That sounds like another piece of the puzzle that is Lu Han, but Minseok can't figure out where it fits. "You mean she wasn't happy with you?" he asks warily, not sure how Lu Han will take it.
"What?" Lu Han seems confused by the question. "No, she was happy with me. A beautiful son was okay, even one who liked to play in the dirt and mess up his nice clothes."
Now Minseok understands even less, to the point where he doesn't even know what to ask. He settles for a mundane question: "Are your parents still in Beijing?"
From the way Lu Han flinches, that's not as safe a question as it would seem. "My mom died when I was in junior high," he says quietly.
"I'm sorry. And your dad?" Something tells Minseok to be warier now.
"My dad..." Lu Han bites his lip. "My dad is still there, but I don't go see him anymore."
So there it is. Minseok wants to ask more, but three girls come in and he has to go take their order. By the time he's done serving them, Lu Han is back at his table, so Minseok goes over to him. "Sorry," he says.
"It's okay."
He waits, but Lu Han doesn't say anything else, so he prompts, "You were talking about your dad?"
"Oh." Lu Han sighs and looks down at his long since empty cup. "My dad didn't want a girl. He didn't want a girly boy either."
"But you're not..." Despite his pretty face, Lu Han doesn't seem girly to Minseok. From his style of dress to his interest in sports, he's as stereotypically manly as any of Minseok's guy friends (and more than some, who are into make-up and fashion and have been known to shriek at the sight of bugs).
"It didn't matter if I liked soccer and getting dirty and never, ever cried." Lu Han's got that bland look on his face again which Minseok is coming to realize means he's experiencing too many emotions rather than too few. "He saw the same thing my mom wanted to, but he didn't like it."
It's a sad story, even without any detail, but Minseok can't quite make the connection to Lu Han's bruised face and his fights with his "friend." It can't be Lu Han's dad that hurt him, if he's in Beijing and they no longer meet. "I'm sorry," he says, at a loss for how else to respond.
"That's not the point, anyway. The point is...I was a mess when I moved to Korea, and for a while after that. And then I met someone who didn't care, someone who made me feel good and important and like I was okay the way I was and I could be whoever I wanted to be."
He stops, then, and Minseok waits for more, but there's only silence. "Is this that friend of yours?" he asks after a while, when it becomes clear that Lu Han's not going to elaborate.
Lu Han nods but still doesn't say anything more.
It's probably too much, but Minseok finds himself asking, "Boyfriend?" It's hard to imagine a girl leaving a bruise like that, and anyway, that would explain the vague "friend" title.
Lu Han's head snaps up, surprise and fear in his eyes, though Minseok thinks he shouldn't be so shocked that Minseok was able to connect the dots. "It's not a big deal," Minseok assures him, pulling out the calming voice he uses on stressed out, impatient customers. "I'm just asking."
There's another long silence, but finally Lu Han says, "Yes. Boyfriend."
"And he hit you?"
And there it is finally, the step too far. Lu Han's expression goes shuttered and dark. "You know, forget it. I shouldn't have... I should go home. I'll see you."
"Wait," Minseok protests, but Lu Han is already getting to his feet, and he hurries out, for the first time leaving his cup on the table.
He doesn't expect to see Lu Han again soon, or possibly ever, but he comes in at ten the following night. He orders his drink without meeting Minseok's eyes, but he sits down at his usual nearby table, and obviously he's not completely avoiding Minseok if he's here. It's a Friday night so things are a little busier, but around 10:30, there's a lull and Minseok goes over to Lu Han's table.
"Hey," he says. Lu Han looks up from his contemplation of the table, and his expression is wary, but at least he's looking at Minseok. "I wasn't sure you'd be back."
Lu Han pulls a wry face. "It was stupid of me, asking to talk to you and then freaking out when you actually tried to talk."
"It's fine. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." He hopes Lu Han will, because it sounds like he's in a bad situation, but it's pretty clear that he'll have to do it in his own time.
"Thanks," Lu Han says quietly. "I, um...thanks."
And then he's quiet, so Minseok asks, "Did you get to watch Manchester United's match from yesterday?"
Lu Han flashes him a look, relieved and surprised and grateful, and then he smiles. "Yeah, I watched it this morning. What the hell was going on with that defense?"
They talk about soccer in between Minseok serving customers until Lu Han leaves a little after eleven. Although Minseok's still both curious and worried about Lu Han and his boyfriend, he's relieved, at least, that Lu Han is still willing to talk to him. The rest will have to wait.
He doesn't push the next few times Lu Han comes in, and they stick to safe subjects. Minseok's a little frustrated, but he decides it can't be helped. Then one night Lu Han comes in and Minseok can immediately see that there's something off about him, though he can't pinpoint exactly what. He can't see any bruises or other injuries, but there's a tightness to Lu Han's expression, like he's upset or in pain, and then as Lu Han approaches the register, Minseok realizes that he's limping.
He wants to ask immediately what's wrong, but he's learned his lesson about how that goes, so instead he asks, "The usual?"
Lu Han's face briefly registers surprise, like he expected Minseok to ask, but then it goes flat again. "Yeah," he says. "And a chocolate chip cookie."
Is that a hint, Minseok wonders. Or maybe Lu Han just wants a cookie. In any case, he takes Lu Han's money and prepares his drink and cookie, taking them over and sitting down since the only other customer has been hiding in a corner with a book since Minseok's shift started. Lu Han looks up at him and then back down, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. Then he picks up the cookie and breaks it in half, offering one of the pieces to Minseok.
He accepts it and takes a bite before finally speaking. "Will you get mad if I ask what's wrong?"
"I fell," Lu Han says without looking at him.
"Let me guess: you tripped?" It's probably not good to be sarcastic about this, but it's hard not to be after the way Lu Han responded to him last time he tried to press for information.
"No." Lu Han is still looking down and his voice is very quiet. "I was pushed."
It's so not what Minseok's expecting that for a moment he thinks he heard wrong. "You what?" he asks.
"I was pushed," Lu Han repeats, his voice even quieter so that Minseok has to strain to hear it over the music. "And I fell and hit my knee. And then I didn't want to be at home anymore so I came here."
Minseok has been hoping for Lu Han to open up to him more, but now that it's happened, he doesn't know how to respond. Where does he even start, when he can't understand at all why Lu Han would stay around someone who hurts him? Minseok has seen him in a tank top and shorts so he knows he's strong enough to fight back if he wants to, and it just doesn't make sense to him, Lu Han rolling over and taking it if he doesn't have to.
"Why do you let him do that?" he asks at last.
Lu Han fidgets with his cup but doesn't take a drink, and Minseok is almost sure he won't answer, but after a while, he says, "He's not a bad person. He wasn't. He helped me so much when I really needed someone."
"Good people don't hurt someone who cares about them," Minseok says, a little too forcefully, maybe, but he can't help it. "Not on purpose."
"You'd be surprised." Lu Han sounds so tired, so beat down that Minseok just wants to give him a hug and tell him it'll all be okay, even if it's a lie.
"No, I wouldn't. Maybe good people have bad days, once in a while, but not like this."
"What do you even know?" Lu Han asks, but there's no bite to it. Minseok almost wishes there was; it's unnerving, his voice sounding so bland and dead.
"I don't," Minseok admits. "But that's twice you've come in here hurt and it sure doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve it."
"I do a lot of things," Lu Han says. "I get jealous and clingy and I want too much attention. I'm not good at giving people space." It sounds like he's repeating something he was told, the words coming out mechanically.
"And that's reason enough to hit you?"
Lu Han goes quiet, and Minseok wonders if he's crossed the invisible line again. The seconds tick by and just when Minseok is sure this is the end of today's conversation, Lu Han says, "I just want to be good enough for someone. I try, but I never am."
And there, Minseok thinks, the pieces finally fall into place. Lu Han's parents each expected him to be what they wanted, even if it was something he could never be. Maybe this boyfriend really did accept Lu Han as he was, once upon a time, but now he's doing the same thing, expecting him to be something he isn't and punishing him when he's not. And Lu Han takes it, which is harder to understand, but maybe after so many years of conditioning, he thinks he deserves it, for not being what his boyfriend wants him to be.
Minseok realizes the silence has stretched out too long while he was thinking, and he hurries to say, "That's not true. It probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but I think you're good enough. Anyone is good enough, if they're trying to be, and even if you weren't, nobody deserves to be hurt." He's babbling, but he does mean every word of it.
Lu Han doesn't answer, and Minseok notices that he's slowly, methodically breaking his half of the cookie into tiny pieces. Maybe he's just fidgeting, but the symbolism is a little much for Minseok.
"Lu Han," he says sharply, and Lu Han starts and then goes very still, tense, which is a lot more unnerving than him crumbling his cookie. Minseok reaches out by reflex and puts a hand on his forearm. Lu Han flinches, but he doesn't pull away.
"I don't understand," he says. "Why do you care?" It's the second time he's asked Minseok a question like that, but there's no anger in it this time. His voice is just quiet, so quiet.
Because you're my friend, Minseok thinks. Because you're funny and interesting and obscenely good looking and I don't understand why you'd stay with someone who makes you so sad when you could easily find someone better.
But he doesn't know what to say, because with Lu Han he's always too afraid of saying the wrong thing and making him shut down. "People do that sometimes," he says instead, trying not to sound too sarcastic. "Care about other people, especially people who are having a rough time."
"So what, I'm a charity case?" There's a little anger there, maybe, but Lu Han still sounds tired more than anything else.
"No," Minseok tells him firmly. "You're a friend. I mean, if you want to be."
Lu Han looks surprised at that and Minseok feels kind of awkward, but then he smiles, weak but better than nothing, and says, "Yeah. I'd like a friend."
There's not much Minseok can do for Lu Han. He can't force him to leave his abusive boyfriend, can't erase his memories of the childhood that set him up for this, can't make him believe in his own self-worth. All he can do is serve him hot chocolate and cookies and listen to him when he wants to talk and let him know that someone cares, someone who doesn't need him to be anyone except who he is.
It's hard sometimes, because Minseok has a practical mind and not too many issues and he just can't understand why Lu Han lives like this, why the breaking point Minseok keeps anticipating where he finally has enough and stands up for himself never comes. He wants to shake Lu Han, to yell at him and ask, "Why don't you put an end to it?" But he doesn't, only reassures Lu Han when he can, and hopes that someday, maybe, he'll realize he's strong enough and worth the effort and get out before it gets any worse.
Only that's not what happens. What happens instead is that one night when the coffee shop is empty except him and Lu Han, sitting at Lu Han's usual table and chatting about nothing in particular, the door opens and a man walks in. Minseok gets to his feet to go back behind the counter, but he freezes when he sees the look on Lu Han's face, his eyes wide and scared. He opens his mouth to ask what's wrong, but seeing the man angrily stomping toward them, he already knows the answer.
The man stops in front of the table and gives Minseok a dirty look, and Lu Han an even worse one, like he's hardly worthy of that much attention. "I thought we agreed you wouldn't come here anymore," he snaps.
Minseok is standing, but the man is a good head taller than him, with a broader build, the kind of body Minseok might be impressed with under other circumstances. He towers over Lu Han, who's still sitting down and curling in on himself to look even smaller. Even though Lu Han's body language screams submission, when he speaks up, it's to say, "We didn't agree. You just told me not to come."
The man, who is quite obviously Lu Han's boyfriend, doesn't like that answer at all. "And just like always, you don't have the sense to listen to me." He gives Minseok another look, down and up the length of his body, and then scoffs. "Is this the reason you can't stay away? You found a pretty little twink you can't get enough of?"
Minseok bristles at that but keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to make things worse. Lu Han doesn't argue this time, his head down.
"That's it, isn't it? Why you keep coming back?" The man turns a glare on Minseok, who fights the impulse to take a step back. "Did he let you fuck him? Or get down on his knees and suck you off with that pretty mouth? Or maybe you spread your legs for him, let him feel like the manly top he wants to be instead of the pillow-biting bottom he is."
It's lucky there are no other customers or Minseok would be in so much trouble, but he's close to getting in trouble anyway because if this guy doesn't shut up soon, he's going to punch him square in the face. He doesn't even particularly care about Lu Han's asshole boyfriend's weak insults or the assumptions he's making about Minseok. He cares that Lu Han is sinking further and further down in his seat, tense and frightened, and it's just so wrong that he should be that afraid of this blustering man.
"That must be it," the jerk continues when he fails to get a response from Minseok or Lu Han. "He probably bends you over a table and fucks you hard, makes you tell him how amazing he is at it, how good his cock feels inside of you. Gets you to cry the way he does for me. I bet you look so pretty with tears in your eyes, begging to come. Maybe I should—"
"Don't you dare."
Lu Han's voice isn't loud, but it's sharp, cutting right through the rambling. His boyfriend breaks off, startled, and Minseok is too. He watches as Lu Han gets up in what feels like slow motion, uncurling to his full height (taller than Minseok but still shorter than his boyfriend), and looks at the man with defiance burning in his eyes. "I don't care what you do to me, but don't you dare threaten Minseok. Don't you dare touch him."
Lu Han's boyfriend is shocked into silence, looking at Lu Han like he's grown another head. Minseok wonders if he's ever defied him so directly before. He recovers too quickly, though, and laughs in Lu Han's face. "And what are you going to do to me if I do touch him?"
For one long, tense moment, everything seems frozen. Then Lu Han punches him, hard. He stumbles back, but quickly finds his footing and advances on Lu Han, expression contorted with rage. "How dare you—" he starts, but he doesn't get any farther because Minseok can't watch anymore and he steps between them.
He may be the smallest of the three of them, but he's strong and he knows his way around a fight, even if he's never put his martial arts training to real life use before. The man underestimates him, and Minseok uses that to his full advantage, getting in a few good hits before twisting his arm behind his back until he yelps in pain.
"Let me be clear," Minseok growls into the man's ear, surprised at the unfamiliar anger in his own voice. "Lu Han may not care what you do to him, but I do, and I've had enough of you fucking with him. Maybe you were good to him once, but now you're nothing but a bully and it needs to stop. Get the hell out of my cafe and don't ever come back."
He lets go and moves away, then waits. Lu Han is watching too, and he's still tense and probably still scared, but he doesn't look cornered like before. His boyfriend looks back and forth between them, a mess of emotions Minseok doesn't pretend to understand playing over his face. "This is really how it ends?" he asks Lu Han. "After everything?"
Lu Han flinches, and Minseok is afraid he'll back down, but then he stands up straighter. "Minseok's right. It needs to stop."
"You're leaving me for him? What does he know about—"
"I'm not leaving you for anyone," Lu Han cuts in. "I don't know if you really believe the things you said about us, but we haven't done anything but talk. We're just friends." His voice is still firm, but the anger is gone, replaced by a heavy sadness. "You and me, we used to be friends, but we haven't been in a long time. That's why I'm leaving." The man opens his mouth again, but Lu Han doesn't let him speak. "Get out. Enough already. I'm done." He turns his back very deliberately and sits down at the table.
Minseok stays where he is and watches as Lu Han's boyfriend draws in a sharp breath, fists clenching in anger, and then lets it out, defeat in the drooping lines of his shoulders. "I hope you know what a fucking mess he is," he tells Minseok, unable to resist one last dig. "Run away while you still can." Then he turns on his heel and walks out, slamming the door behind him.
Once the door closes, Minseok slumps into the other chair at Lu Han's table, realizing now how much adrenaline is coursing through his veins. He looks at Lu Han, who seems to have lost all his certainty, drooping in his seat and staring at his hands. "I'm sorry," he says, weak and miserable. "I didn't want... I didn't mean..." He shakes his head. "You shouldn't have gotten caught in the middle of that. It's not your fight."
"I'm not sorry," Minseok stubbornly retorts. "I know it's none of my business, but if this is what it takes, I'm not sorry at all."
Lu Han sighs heavily. "You must think I'm pathetic." He's rubbing at the hand he threw the punch with earlier. Minseok wonders if he's hurt, if he's ever hit anyone before. "Sure, he's scary, but I'm not some weak little thing. I shouldn't need someone to defend me."
"I don't think you're pathetic. I don't understand, but...well, that's why I don't think you're pathetic, because I don't know what I'd do in your place. You must have had your reasons." Minseok's lucky to have an uncomplicated, loving family, and good friends. He can't pretend to know what it's like to have only one person, a person like that.
"Do you...?" Lu Han sighs again. "I don't want you to think it's because of you. I mean, it is, in a way, you helped me a lot, but I'm not leaving him for you. It's not that."
"I know," Minseok says quietly, uncomfortable. They really are just friends, and while Minseok would be lying if he said he wasn't interested in being more someday, now is not the time. It may not be the time for a while, if ever.
"It's not that I don't..." Lu Han continues. He frowns at his hands and shakes his head, leaving the thought unfinished. "I am a fucking mess. That part's true."
"Don't—" Minseok starts, but Lu Han interrupts.
"It's true. You've seen enough to know it is. But I think I can start being better now. Not...somebody else's better. Just me."
It makes Minseok sad, somehow, but he smiles. "Good. I like just you."
Finally, Lu Han looks up, and he smiles at Minseok, small but genuine. "And maybe after a while, when I'm a little better, a little less of a mess..."
"What?" Minseok asks, but he thinks he already knows what Lu Han's hinting at. It's nothing much, only maybe, but it's nice to know Lu Han might be interested in someday too. That's enough for now.
Lu Han just smiles a tiny bit wider. "Nothing. Just...it's been a while. Since I, you know..."
"No?" Minseok laughs shortly, lost now, and Lu Han's smile widens that much more.
"Since I had hope," he clarifies. His lips quirk into an embarrassed sort of grimace too, but he looks happy, and it makes Minseok smile. "Thank you," he adds, and now it's Minseok's turn to look embarrassed, but he keeps smiling.
"You're welcome," Minseok says lightly, half teasing because it's too serious otherwise. "Hope is good, but how about a cookie?"
Lu Han blinks at him in confusion for a long few seconds, and then he bursts out laughing, loud and uninhibited. It's not a good look for him, his jaw hanging wide open, but it makes Minseok grin widely anyway. Lu Han's probably right to say that he's a mess, but if he's laughing freely like this, Minseok thinks there's good reason for hope.
"Sure," Lu Han says when he finally stops laughing, a smile still stretching across his face. "I'd like a cookie too."
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no subject
Date: 2014-07-03 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-03 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-03 06:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-04 04:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-04 01:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-08 05:41 am (UTC)and i regret NOTHING for read it
this was so beautiful, the way you made minseok help luhan is just perfect
really
i reallyyyyyyyy would LOVE see how things went from there on, but i know they had a happy ending or i really hope so at least lol (but if you wanna write it i would really be thankful)
your written is beautiful
loved it
for real
/sobs
no subject
Date: 2014-07-08 11:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-08 11:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-08 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-08 11:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-12 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 10:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 07:39 am (UTC)also can i have a cookie toono subject
Date: 2014-07-25 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-26 05:41 pm (UTC)& it was. i loved how you made it awkward at times. i love how you made all three characters imperfectly perfect. minseok with hus kind heart that wants to help but doesn't always say the right things or get it right. pretty luhan who just wants to be loved for who he is but ends up trying to change himself to fit into the square. nameless (ex)boyfriend who's an arrogant, verbally and physically abusive douche but whom once upon a time saw luhan for who he was and all that he could be.
i loved this. don't get me wrong, this wasn't a walk in the park with scented flower petals floating and dancing in the air as the live band plays upbeat instrumentals, but it definitely left an impression. i hope that anyone and everyone who is in an abusive relationship will have their minseok to be beside them and accompany them as they wade out of the inhumane pit of abuse.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-28 09:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-28 06:21 pm (UTC)I really love how they started as friends. And wanted to continue as friends before moving up someday. I really like the ending. :)
I found it nice not having a name mentioned for the abusive boyfriend.
Oh and if I were to pick what I like the most, it's the dialogues here. I love the conversation they are having. I just love lots and lots of conversation.
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Date: 2014-07-31 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-09-27 12:19 am (UTC)<333
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Date: 2015-02-28 10:20 pm (UTC)I liked how Minseok took those slow steps to gain Luhan's trust. Throughout the fic I was wondering if Minseok was the reason why Luhan kept coming back pretty early on (because he was searching for something/someone to hold on to) or if it was just that the café was there and Luhan only later kept coming back because of Minseok...
It's also nice how Minseok doesn't get how Luhan's situation could be like that at all but still tries his best to help, such a good guy (can I have a Minseok for myself pls? >.<).
The confrontation with that boyfriend made me pretty uneasy because it could have ended far worse. I mean, as that guy is a stranger to Minseok he wouldn't know what that man was capable of, not only regarding fights and strength. He could also be treating Luhan only worse after that (or going after Minseok too) but I try to see Luhan's reactions in between as a reason Minseok's behaviour was appropriate.
Luckily I (and friends) haven't been in any similar situations but I'm really wary of things like violence or fighting in general.
no subject
Date: 2015-06-18 02:31 am (UTC)broken Luhan is sexy though. 😏