Suchen Again

[sparklepox]

Title: What Makes You Happy
Pairing: Junmyeon/Jongdae
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3774 words
Summary: Jongdae and Junmyeon broke up three years ago, but life gives them a chance to start again.
Notes: Originally posted here at criticalcapture.


It wasn't exactly a good break-up, if such a thing even exists, but it wasn't a bad break-up either. Not really, anyway, not like some Jongdae's seen his friends go through, full of prolonged fights and bitterness. Maybe there was a little part of Jongdae that wished it had been, because at least if Junmyeon had yelled, Jongdae would have known he cared, but Junmyeon's not the type to make a scene. Junmyeon's the type to go cold and quiet and, "I guess that's it, then?"

Jongdae's not the type to yell either, or to cry or beg no matter how much he doesn't want to give up. He's the type to look at his boyfriend who he loved, his boyfriend who he thought loved him back enough to overcome anything, and say, "If that's what you really want, then yes. I hope it makes you happy."

And he did mean it, even though it hurt, just like Junmyeon probably meant it when he said, "You too. I mean...I hope you're happy," and then, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Jongdae told him, and he almost meant that too, but it didn't matter either way. Whether Junmyeon was sorry or not, that was the end for them.


* * *

"I can't believe you convinced me to come to Japan in a typhoon," Baekhyun whines. "A typhoon."

Jongdae fixes Baekhyun with his best unimpressed look. "Okay, first of all, the weather was very nice when we got here. Who knew a typhoon would hit? Second, I suggested China and you were the one who wanted to come to Japan, so you have only yourself to blame. Just quit whining and read your dirty manga. You have enough to last even if we're stuck here for days."

Chanyeol laughs louder than the joke deserves, and Kyungsoo continues making his 'Baekhyun keeps talking and I may kill him' face.

"Fine," Baekhyun grumbles. "See if I share my awesome reading material with you."

"I'm hungry," Chanyeol jumps in, cutting off Jongdae's no doubt clever retort. "If we're going to be here for a while, we should get some food."

After some debate, they settle on a curry restaurant. "I'm starving," Jongdae comments as they sit down. They were supposed to be landing in Incheon right about now, but here they are, stuck in the airport outside of Tokyo. They can't even get back into the city because the trains have stopped running, so it's looking likely that they'll be here overnight.

They scarf down their food in relative silence, then linger for a bit, chatting, but there's a line outside and eventually guilt makes them move. Jongdae's just getting to his feet when a voice that doesn't belong to any of his friends asks, "Jongdae?"

Even after three years, Jongdae recognizes that voice in an instant. Still, he doesn't believe his ears until he turns around and finds himself looking into a very familiar face. "Junmyeon-hyung."

"Fancy meeting you here," Baekhyun says, too loud, earning them some judging looks.

"He lives in Tokyo," Jongdae reminds Baekhyun without taking his eyes off of Junmyeon. To be honest, he imagined this kind of situation, just a little, when they decided to visit Tokyo, but he never thought it would actually happen. Now that it has, he doesn't know what to do or think.

"We should probably get out of the way," Chanyeol says. They're standing awkwardly in the middle of the packed restaurant.

Jongdae is about the agree when Junmyeon says, "If you have time to stick around for a few more minutes..." It sounds casual, almost, but a little too fast; Jongdae still remembers what Junmyeon sounds like when he's nervous.

"I, um..." It feels strange, but it'd be a waste not to talk to Junmyeon after circumstances have brought them together like this. "Okay. Sure." His friends are eyeing him as if to ask if he's really okay with this, but he waves them off. "Save me a seat at the gate."

When they're gone, Jongdae sits down opposite Junmyeon, ignoring the confused look the waitress gives them. "So," he starts, trying to smile like this isn't awkward. "Where are you supposed to be headed?"

"Seoul. Same as you, I'm guessing?"

Jongdae nods. "For business? Or a trip back home?"

"I'm on my way back from a business trip, actually." Off Jongdae's confused expression, Junmyeon explains, "I transferred back to the Seoul office two months ago."

"Oh." Jongdae's response is muted as he tries to figure out how he feels about that. Should he feel anything? It's been almost three years since he and Junmyeon broke up, so he has no reason to feel hurt that he didn't know about the move. On the other hand, Junmyeon's transfer to Tokyo was the driving force behind their break-up, so it hurts a little to know that it didn't even last.

Judging by Junmyeon's stiff smile, he's thinking about that too. "I'm still traveling to Japan regularly, but I'm glad they let me go back to being based in Korea. It suits me better."

"I see," is all Jongdae can come up with in response.

"How about you?" Junmyeon asks with forced brightness. "Vacation?" Jongdae nods. "Sounds nice. Were you here long?"

"A week," Jongdae tells him. "Any longer and I'd have a murder case or two on my hands."

Junmyeon laughs genuinely at that. "I see your friends haven't changed."

"Not so much." They were Junmyeon's friends too once, before. They didn't exactly take sides during the break-up, but they were Jongdae's friends first, and it was easy to drift away from Junmyeon when he was in another country.

"Did you have a good time?"

"It was really fun. Japan is great." Junmyeon starts asking questions and Jongdae answers, only pausing briefly when the waitress brings Junmyeon's food, and somehow before Jongdae knows it, the food is gone and he and Junmyeon are both laughing as Jongdae describes Baekhyun's attempts to mimic the poses and expressions of the lion statues at every shrine they visited.

"Thank you for keeping me company," Junmyeon says as they stand to leave. I guess I should let you get back to your gate."

"Not that we're going anywhere any time soon." Jongdae waits while Junmyeon pays and then starts to walk toward the gates. "What gate are you at?"

"Thirty-one. You?"

"Wait, really?" Junmyeon looks confused, so Jongdae explains, "Us too."

Junmyeon laughs, and Jongdae can't help remembering how he always loved that laugh. "Imagine that. But I shouldn't bother you any longer..." He trails off a little at the end, making it sound like a question.

"It's fine," Jongdae finds himself saying. "We'll be in the same place anyway."

Junmyeon's wide smile is just as Jongdae remembers (as if there's any reason why it wouldn't be). "Thank you. It'll be nice to have some company."

It could be awkward, but luckily Jongdae has friends who never met an awkward situation they couldn't talk loudly over. It seems like no time at all before the shops and restaurants start closing down and some of the lights turn off, a hint that it's time to quiet down and sleep.

"I suppose we should get some sleep," Junmyeon says as the people around them settle down or move away in search of more comfortable places to sleep than the chairs at the gate. "Hopefully we'll be able to get out of here in the morning."

With the way the rain is lashing at the windows, it's hard to believe that, but a lot can change overnight. If nothing else, the time will pass more quickly while they're asleep. They position themselves as comfortably as they can, pulling out sweatshirts to substitute for blankets and tucking their bags under their chairs before closing their eyes.

Jongdae can usually sleep through anything (a useful skill when you share a room with Baekhyun), but tonight, he can't seem to fall asleep. Maybe it's the uncomfortable chairs or the too many people packed into the airport or the uncertainty about when he'll need to be awake, but he suspects that a lot of it has to do with Junmyeon curled up into a ball over the two seats next to him.

He thought after three years that he was over Junmyeon, and he was, in a way. He'd long since stopped moping, stopped dwelling on what he'd lost, stopped dreaming of Junmyeon coming back to him. But while he's dated here and there since they broke up, he hasn't settled down with anyone the way he had with Junmyeon before it all fell apart, or anything close to it. He hasn't, try as he might, found anyone who makes him feel the way Junmyeon used to.

The way Junmyeon is still so easy to talk to doesn't change the fact that they broke up a long time ago, and neither does the way he still makes Jongdae smile, but it does make Jongdae realize that he hasn't given up hope completely because he can feel it stirring inside him, making him think that maybe—just maybe—the way fate has brought them together unexpectedly means there's still a chance for them. Does Junmyeon feel the same or is it only vain hope? Unlike Jongdae, he doesn't seem to be having any trouble sleeping.

That's what he thinks, at least, until Junmyeon suddenly stirs after a few minutes, giving Jongdae just enough time to stop obviously staring before Junmyeon's eyes open and he uncurls, legs stretching off the chairs. He sits up, lifts his arms above his head and arches his back, wincing, before turning to Jongdae. "You can't sleep either?" he asks in a low voice.

Jongdae shakes his head, hunting for an explanation that doesn't have anything to do with Junmyeon's presence but coming up empty. Luckily, Junmyeon doesn't seem to expect one. "Want to go for a walk? Maybe it'll tire us out enough to sleep."

"Sure." Walking with Junmyeon is unlikely to help Jongdae relax and get to sleep, but at least if they're talking, his thoughts won't wander as much.

They walk past gate after gate full of people, businessmen sleeping in their suits, children keeping their parents up, young people slumped across their bags. It's not silent, but quieter than airports usually are with the announcements stopped for the night. "I hope we'll be able to get out of here quickly in the morning," Junmyeon says. "I spend enough time in airports as it is."

Jongdae makes a vague acknowledging sound and they walk in silence for a little while. It's Junmyeon who breaks it again, a hint of that self-deprecating humor of his in his voice. "You know, I couldn't ignore you when we ran into each other in the restaurant, but I wasn't too sure you'd want to talk to me. We didn't really part on the best of terms."

"It wasn't so bad." Jongdae keeps his gaze straight ahead, though he's not sure if it's to avoid seeing Junmyeon's expression or to keep Junmyeon from being able to read his.

"I guess not, but...I did hurt you, didn't I?" Jongdae's relieved when he doesn't wait for an answer before continuing, "In any case, we haven't spoken in years, so I didn't know what to expect. But it's been nice to catch up." After a beat, he adds, "I hope you think so too."

"I do," Jongdae agrees. "It's..." There's a lot he could say, but in the end he just concludes, "Nice."

The walkway dead ends at a windowed wall, branching left and right, and they stop walking to look outside. Most of the lights seem to be off, leaving them without much to see except where the rain hits the window. "Have you been in a typhoon before?" Jongdae asks.

"We got some rain and wind from typhoons a few times while I was living here, but this is the worst." Junmyeon sounds a little tired, and Jongdae can see shadows under his eyes in his reflection in the window. He can see other things too: the warmth of his smile, the nice way his shoulders fill out his dress shirt, things he shouldn't be thinking about now that they're not together anymore.

Jongdae tears his eyes away from Junmyeon's reflection with some effort and asks, "Did you like living here?"

There's a momentary hesitation before Junmyeon answers, "I didn't hate it. I met a lot of great people and had some good experiences when I wasn't working too hard to have time for anything else, but I never felt like I fit in in Japan, and there was too much I missed from home." Junmyeon's eyes flick over toward Jongdae's reflection and Jongdae wonders if it means that he was one of the things Junmyeon missed or only that Junmyeon wants to see his reaction to his answer.

"Then I'm glad you were able to come home," Jongdae says, and he does mean it. He knows, even if he doubted it sometimes, that it was hard for Junmyeon to leave Korea. Despite Jongdae's lingering bitterness about that choice, he wouldn't want Junmyeon to be unhappy because of it.

Junmyeon looks like he's about to respond, but then he thinks better of it. Instead, Jongdae says, "Let's walk a little more. I don't think I'm tired enough to sleep yet."

They walk in silence until they pass a bathroom and Junmyeon says, "Let's go in for a minute." Inside, he goes to the sink and splashes water over his face. Jongdae just cups a little water in his hands and rubs it over his dry eyes.

Junmyeon frowns at himself in the mirror as he wipes the excess water from his eyes. "We look a little rough."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I look amazing as always," Jongdae counters, ignoring his rumpled clothes and mussed hair and the stubble just barely starting to show on his jaw.

Junmyeon laughs. "You do."

He's joking, so it's stupid for the compliment to make Jongdae feel good, but it does anyway. He thinks Junmyeon looks, if not amazing, then at least quite good under the circumstances. He's grown up in the last three years, perhaps not physically, but it's in the way he carries himself, the wiser look in his eyes.

Lost in that train of thought, he's probably let the silence stretch out too long between them because he realizes Junmyeon is studying him thoughtfully. He's looking at Jongdae's reflection at first, but then he slowly turns to face him directly.

"You know..." He pauses for so long that Jongdae's not sure he's going to say anything else before he finally continues, slow and thoughtful, "I've missed you. I can't say I regret taking the transfer to Tokyo because I learned a lot and I don't want to regret my life choices, but I am sorry that it meant losing you. I tried not to dwell on it, but I thought about it a lot after and...I hope you didn't think that I didn't care, or that it was easy to let go of you."

Jongdae doesn't know how to respond because the truth is he did wonder sometimes if he was the only one hurting, if he'd always just been a step on Junmyeon's road to success. He didn't really believe that most of the time, but he couldn't help thinking it sometimes. It is a certain comfort to know that he was wrong, but it's three years too late, and it complicates things now, for Junmyeon to be saying it when they both should have moved on already.

When Jongdae doesn't answer, Junmyeon smiles crookedly, sadly. "I'm sorry, then, if you did think that." He reaches out and puts a hand on Jongdae's shoulder, which startles him a little, but it's nice too.

"It's okay," Jongdae says, trying to sound like he means it. "It was hard, but it's done and I'm fine now."

"Good," Junmyeon says gently, his hand still lingering on Jongdae's shoulder.

Silence follows, neither of them moving, and Jongdae's chest feels tight, though he can't really say what's making it hard to breathe. Maybe it's Junmyeon's eyes on his, soft and a little sad. Maybe it's the subtle warmth of Junmyeon's fingers bleeding through his shirt. Maybe it's the water droplets highlighting his eyelashes, the wet sheen making his skin glow. Maybe it's the realization that his feelings for Junmyeon have changed much less than he thought, and that judging by the way Junmyeon is looking at him, the same just might be true for him.

Junmyeon licks his lips, probably unconsciously, and Jongdae can't help staring. He shouldn't, but here, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a typhoon, everything feels a little unreal, like he could do whatever he wants and it wouldn't matter.

Junmyeon breaks the silence with a soft, "Jongdae?" but he doesn't get any farther because Jongdae gives in and moves to kiss him. The speed with which Junmyeon reacts, hand moving to Jongdae's neck and lips moving against his, tells Jongdae that he was waiting for it too. He'll think about that later, but right now, he's only focused on the heat of Junmyeon's mouth, the sharp lines of his body when Jongdae's arms wrap around him to pull him close.

It seems like forever and also not long at all before they slowly break apart. Junmyeon's lips are red, and he licks them again, making Jongdae tempted to go for another kiss immediately. Before he can, though, Junmyeon pulls out of his hold, and Jongdae's face falls before he can catch himself.

"Wait, it's not like that," Junmyeon hurriedly assures him. "I just think we should talk first."

"Right," Jongdae says. "Talking." He feels dazed, the unrealness of the situation only heightened by the kiss.

Junmyeon laughs and waves a hand in front of Jongdae's face. "Snap out of it."

Jongdae flashes him a sheepish grimace. "Sorry. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought."

Junmyeon's smile is fond, almost too much under the circumstances. "Too tired for talking?"

It's tempting to use that as an excuse, but Junmyeon is right that they should talk, and Jongdae will sleep better with some resolution. He shakes his head. "We can sleep after."

Junmyeon nods, but he doesn't say anything right away, weighing his words the way he does when he feels something is important. "As much as I enjoyed kissing you," he finally starts, "we can't just pretend the last three years didn't happen."

"No," Jongdae agrees. "We can't." He's nervous, but Junmyeon's clearly not done, so he feels hopeful that this is going somewhere good.

"I think it's your place more than mine to decide if we're going to try again. It was more my decision than yours to break up, after all. We don't have to decide that tonight, but if you want to, when we get back to Seoul, we should..."

"Catch up?" Jongdae suggests.

"Yes. Catch up and get to know each other again and decide if we still work together."

Early on after they broke up, Jongdae used to imagine getting back together with Junmyeon. Sometimes he thought about getting on a plane to Tokyo and giving up everything to stay with Junmyeon there. Sometimes he fantasized about Junmyeon coming back to Seoul and saying that his career wasn't worth losing Jongdae. There were all kinds of variations, but he never would've imagined that it would happen like this, three years later in an eerily silent airport bathroom.

But there will be time to fulfill romantic fantasies. Right now, he only needs to agree to give being with Junmyeon another try, and it's easy to answer the question of whether he wants that. "Let's do that," he says firmly. "I want to. Now can I kiss you one more time before we go sleep?"

Junmyeon laughs, bright and happy. "You definitely can."

They start off more slowly this time, careful almost. Junmyeon's hands slide into Jongdae's hair, fingers light on his scalp, and Jongdae rests his hands on Junmyeon's hips. Their mouths open against each other gradually, and Junmyeon's tongue pushes its way into Jongdae's mouth, tentatively seeking out the sensitive spots he has no business remembering after all this time. It makes Jongdae's fingers clench in the fabric of Junmyeon's dress shirt as he melts against him.

With his eyes closed, Jongdae can forget where they are, forget how much time has passed, forget the times he was angry and almost managed to hate Junmyeon, forget everything in the face how familiar and right it feels to kiss Junmyeon. He knows when they stop, the spell will break and he'll have to face the more complicated reality again, but for now, everything is perfect.

Caught up in the moment, Jongdae hears the footsteps but doesn't register what they are for a few seconds, only jumping back just as a little boy comes into the bathroom with his exhausted-looking father trailing behind him. The boy looks at them with innocent childish curiosity, but the father barely spares them a glance, to Jongdae's relief. He shares a conspiratorial smile with Junmyeon, whose eyes are twinkling.

"Let's go," Junmyeon says, taking Jongdae's arm to pull him out of the bathroom. When they're outside, he leans over to whisper, "We can try that somewhere more private next time." He grins at Jongdae before dropping his arm and starting to walk toward their gate.

They walk in silence until they get back, where they find their seats still unoccupied. "Do you think you can sleep now?" Junmyeon whispers.

Jongdae nods. He feels more tired now, and relaxed and happy, looking forward to what will happen once we make it home.

Whatever Jongdae's expression gives away of that, it makes Junmyeon smile. "Good." He glances around, but the lights are dimmed and most everyone is asleep or ignoring them, so he leans in and gives Jongdae a quick kiss. "Goodnight."

Jongdae's heart leaps, and he smiles back even as he tells himself to not overreact to a single little kiss with an uncertain future still ahead of them. Despite the uncertainties, he has a feeling there are good things in store for them. "Goodnight," he responds.

This time, when Jongdae closes his eyes, he thinks about Junmyeon's lips on his, and about how if this works out the way he thinks it will, he'll never let go of Junmyeon so easily again, and he falls asleep with a smile on face, looking forward to what's to come.

Comments

[wooniste.livejournal.com]

yes omg thank you for writing this!!!!!!!!!!!

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting! :)

[exo-everlasting.livejournal.com]

This was so sweet and hopeful, and I just loved it! The bathroom scene with that beautifully portrayed kiss was just precious!

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you for commenting!

[daylighreverie.livejournal.com]

i saw this on my lj notif and i'm glad i decided to read it. those first few paragraphs hurt so good. it's so jongdae and so junmyeon and just. so. good. also that little baeksoo :3 (i'M CALLING IT BAEKSOO BECAUSE I CAN AND WHY NOT)

It could be awkward, but luckily Jongdae has friends who never met an awkward situation they couldn't talk loudly over.
See, Baekhyun and Chanyeol have a purpose, Jongdae.

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

Let's go with Baeksoo. Even if I've written them very little officially, they tend to be cute in the background of my fics whenever I can work it in.

Thanks for commenting! I'm glad you liked it. :)

[karilein.livejournal.com]

This was kind of beautiful. The atmosphere was so hopeful but also fragile.
I'm not good with break up things usually (I'm always reminded of my own past :( ) and this has a bit of bittersweet taste to it as well, so idk...
Still, I really liked it <3

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

Thank you! <3 I'm glad you gave it a chance and enjoyed it in the end.

[exo-everlasting.livejournal.com]

This was so sweet and hopeful, and I just loved it! The bathroom scene with that beautifully portrayed kiss was just precious!

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[x5yn4k4x.livejournal.com]

Awwww. This was really sweet. :)

[sparklepox.livejournal.com]

Thank you~!