ALL the Xiuhan (no, really)
Dec. 20th, 2013 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepoxTitle: Try To Remember (And If You Remember Then Follow)
Pairing: Lu Han/Minseok
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 60,094
Summary: "It's only fair that I should chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you'll return to me."
Notes: Very loosely based on (and summary quoted from) this. A million thanks to L and G for betaing and general handholding, and thank you to V for the boyband name and M for Korean naming help.
Warnings: character death, brief suicidal thoughts (but no actual attempts at suicide), hallucinations, terminal illness, apocalyptic plague, homophobia, genderswitch (character was always female), prostitution, sex between underage characters (who aren't actually underage in real life)
Please note that many of these only appear in one section of the fic that you won't miss too much by skipping. If you want to read but want to avoid a particular thing, feel free to ask and I can tell you which part(s) to skip.
Also, despite that long list of warnings, I can promise you a happy ending, so please don't be scared off. XD
"Is it possible that you could know someone before you even meet them? That you could be born knowing them?"
--
"Don't forget me. Okay? I don't want to be forgotten."
1
They're professional soccer players, rivals on the field but friends off of it. It's a friendship that lasts through victory and defeat, and across so many countries they both lose track. They go a long time without seeing each other sometimes, but when they do meet, it's always the same, chasing each other during the game and laughing together when it's over.
Lu Han always eagerly anticipates the games against Minseok's team (no matter what team he's on at the time). He loves soccer, so really he anticipates every game, but these are the games where he's eager for the end, not just for the chance to celebrate a victory, but because Minseok can be counted on to jog over and fling himself into Lu Han's arms. They're always sweaty and disgusting, and Lu Han's teammates tease him about it, sometimes with a little bite, but he doesn't care because Minseok warm and solid in his arms feels more right than anything else in the world.
He kisses Minseok in Barcelona, in Minseok's small but neat apartment with a view of the beach, and he probably shouldn't be, but he's shocked all the same when Minseok pushes him away.
"W-what are you doing?" he stammers, eyes wide.
"I like you," Lu Han says to his hands, even if maybe he should quit before he digs himself into a deeper hole. He's started this, and it's been a long time coming; he may as well finish it. "A lot." He swallows down his fear and continues, "I love you, actually."
He chances a look up again, and at least Minseok doesn't look disgusted, but he looks extremely uncomfortable as he says, "I'm sorry, I don't... I mean, I'm not..." He trails off, biting his lip uncertainly, and runs a hand through his dirty blond hair. (It doesn't suit him, but Lu Han thinks he looks great all the same.) "Sorry."
"Forget it!" Lu Han forces himself to say, pasting a smile on his face like it doesn't hurt. "It doesn't matter."
And maybe it doesn't, because they stay friends through the rest of their careers and beyond, but it always hurts a little, and there are no more hugs after that.
2
Lu Han looks nervously around the classroom as the teacher introduces him, the new transfer student from China who's still learning Korean, so please take care of him. (It's generous to call him anything more than a beginner. He barely gets the gist of the teacher's speech, and his ability to carry on a conversation is nearly nonexistent.) He fumbles through the introduction he practiced last night in front of his parents (as if their Korean isn't even worse than his), looking nervously around at the sea of unimpressed eyes, and is relieved when the teacher tells him to sit down.
At lunch time, a few students take pity and try to talk to him, but they give up quickly when it becomes apparent that he doesn't understand most of what they're saying. He slumps in his seat when they leave, eating his sandwich in silence and wishing he was back in Beijing.
Then, suddenly, someone is holding a cookie in front of him. He looks up in surprise to see a boy smiling hesitantly at him, holding out the cookie in a clear offer. Lu Han takes it with a mumbled thank you, and the boy sits back down in the seat beside him. "Lu Han, right?" he asks, munching on a cookie of his own. "I'm Minseok."
"Minseok," Lu Han repeats, and the boy laughs and corrects his pronunciation without being mean about it. It takes a few tries, but he gets it well enough, and then he tries to teach Minseok how to pronounce his name, which is more of a challenge and soon has them both laughing even though all they're doing is repeating "Lu Han" over and over.
That's how their friendship starts, and it continues through conversations carried out half in hand gestures, through Korean movies with Chinese subtitles and vice versa, and physical games that don't require speaking. Minseok's friends seem a little perplexed by his friendship with Lu Han, but they accept him into their group, and high school no longer seems like such a scary place.
Their relationship starts without words too, with Lu Han grabbing Minseok's hand to pull him over to a store or pulling him close while they watch movies on Minseok's bed. It's usually Lu Han initiating contact, but Minseok almost always lets him, and when he leans in to Lu Han's side, it's clear that he likes it too.
It seems only natural, the day Minseok has his head on Lu Han's shoulder while they watch a terrible kung fu movie and he tilts his head just a little bit over and up so that Lu Han can't help leaning down to kiss him. There's a moment of hesitation, maybe, but it's brief, and then Minseok is turning to face him and they kiss long and slow and deep, the movie forgotten behind them.
Kisses turn into touches, which turn into more, and they're not each other's first kiss, but they're the first for everything else, and it doesn't take long for Lu Han to fall hopelessly head over heels. They're curled up together one day in Lu Han's bed (because Minseok has a nosy sister and a stay-at-home mom, while both of Lu Han's parents work, usually late) when Lu Han murmurs, "I love you," into Minseok's hair.
The seconds that follow his unplanned confession are the longest of Lu Han's life so far, but then Minseok looks up at him with a crooked smile and says, "I love you too," and Lu Han's heart feels so full it might burst with happiness.
It's another evening like that, a year later when university and the uncertain future are looming big over every aspect of their lives, when Lu Han asks, "Do you think we'll stay together forever?" They're dressed because they're at Minseok's house today, but hiding their cuddling under blankets, and Lu Han is rubbing his thumb along bare skin at Minseok's waist.
"I do," Minseok says without hesitation, and Lu Han's heart swells the way it so often does when they're together. "Do you?"
"Without a doubt," Lu Han says, and doesn't care when Minseok laughs at him for being cheesy because it's true.
(They don't. They break up five years later after Lu Han moves back to China and distance and their inability to agree on what to do about it become too much for them. Lu Han feels bereft, lost, and his friends reassure him that it's not the end of the world, that he'll find someone better in time, but it's hard to believe there is anyone better for him.)
3
When his manager introduces Lu Han to his new bodyguard, he is, understandably, a little skeptical. He trusts that his manager wouldn't hire someone who wasn't qualified, but the guy is shorter than him, with a slim build, and if he's got muscles they're well-hidden under his jacket and slacks. He also looks like he belongs in, at best, a high school classroom, though Lu Han knows a thing or two about looking younger than you are.
"Uh, no offense..." he starts, but he's not really sure where to go with that.
His point must get across, though, because the bodyguard, Minseok, asks, "Do you want to arm wrestle?"
Lu Han gives him a funny look because that's not at all the kind of response he'd expect, but Minseok seems serious about it, so he shrugs and says, "Sure." He wonders if Minseok is underestimating him; he may have a delicate image, but he's hiding muscles of his own under his t-shirt and loose pants.
They sit at the table and fit their hands together. Minseok's hand is smaller than his, and when he first starts to push, Lu Han is able to resist without much trouble. He's just about to make a sarcastic comment when Minseok's grip on his hand tightens, and the next thing he knows, the back of his hand is hitting the table. Minseok smiles, a little hesitantly like he's not sure how a famous idol will react to being soundly beaten at arm wrestling, but then Lu Han starts to laugh and he relaxes.
"Point made," Lu Han says, getting to his feet and patting Minseok on the shoulder.
From then on, Minseok is around nearly all the time, following Lu Han and his entourage from photoshoot to performance to interview to practice room and all the way back to the apartment he shares with his manager. It seems like overkill to Lu Han, but he's not going to complain. His manager is nice but twice his age, and the stylists are usually female and either middle-aged or too starstruck to talk to him.
But Minseok is, as it turns out, the same age as him, and easy to talk to. Lu Han asks so many questions that his manager scolds him half-jokingly for being nosy, but once Lu Han makes it clear that he doesn't mind, Minseok asks him a lot of questions back. They discuss soccer and singing and dancing and how a boy from Beijing ended up becoming a solo artist in Korea, and food and family and all manner of other things.
It doesn't change how busy and continuously exhausted he is, or the racist remarks that get thrown at him with depressing regularity, or the pressure on his shoulders or the reasons he needs a bodyguard in the first place. But it's nice to feel like he has a friend around, even if said friend is paid to spend time with him. "I'd spend time with you even when I'm not getting paid, if you actually had any free time," Minseok jokes. "And if you didn't have other cooler friends to spend that time with."
Lu Han laughs at that and slings an arm over his shoulders, even if he probably shouldn't when they're in public and Minseok's supposed to be protecting him if necessary. But nobody's ever actually tried to hurt him, or if they have they've never gotten remotely close, so he can't be bothered to worry about it too much. "You're cool enough for me," Lu Han says, and when Minseok grins in response, he can't help the way his heart melts a little.
"Why did you decide to hire someone like Minseok?" Lu Han asks his manager at one point. "I'm not complaining, but wouldn't a big, hulking bodyguard be a lot more intimidating?"
"There are two reasons," his manager replies, with a speed that says he's given this a lot of thought. "The first is to camouflage the fact that he is a bodyguard, both to catch anyone who might want to hurt you off guard and to keep the public from realizing."
Lu Han nods. He wouldn't have thought about it, but it makes sense. Then he asks, "And the second reason?"
"Well, to be honest, I thought you might like having someone your age around. Before, you seemed kind of...lonely." His manager is looking at him with that fatherly look he sometimes gets, and Lu Han offers him a smile. Being alone is something he's used to, as an only child and now as a solo act with little time to see his friends, but he does get lonely easily. There's no question that having Minseok around has made him happier.
To tell the truth, Lu Han likes having Minseok around a lot. He's funny and interesting and they get along well, and he's pretty easy on the eyes too. He keeps that last part to himself, because idols aren't supposed to date, especially younger ones like him, and they're most definitely not supposed to date men. But Lu Han knows where his preferences lie, even if he keeps quiet about it, and he could just be projecting, but he thinks Minseok might be interested too.
He thinks about it, but he has no intention of doing anything. He wouldn't want to ruin the career he's worked so hard for, and besides, if he already needs a bodyguard to protect him from crazy fans and anti-fans, he'd probably never be able to leave the house if they found out he was gay and dating someone. Someday, hopefully, that'll be a possibility, but for now, he'll have to be satisfied with just having a friend.
The day it happens is just like any other day. Lu Han has recording in the morning and a photoshoot and interview in the afternoon and dance practice in the evening, and he's just heading home when a man bursts out from the usual group of fans lurking outside the building. He's not too big, but he has a knife and he's moving forward very quickly, and Lu Han freezes in shock.
But it seems Minseok is qualified to be a bodyguard based on more than just his arm muscles because he jumps into action. Lu Han doesn't really follow what happens, but somehow he gets the man's arm twisted behind his back, making him drop the knife, and pins him to the ground until the police come and take him away.
They give their statements and then Lu Han's manager drives both of them back to his apartment. "I need to take care of some things, but I'll be back later," he says, leaving them at the door. To Minseok, he adds, "Please stay here until I get back."
Then the door closes and they're left alone, and suddenly Lu Han breaks out of the daze he's been in this whole time and realizes his heart is pounding, again or still, he doesn't know. "I guess you really do need a bodyguard," Minseok says as they go inside. He sounds shocked too, though not nearly as bad as Lu Han feels.
"I really thought, for a second..." Lu Han says. His voice shakes.
"Hey, it's okay—" Minseok starts, but he doesn't get any farther because Lu Han kisses him.
He knows it's a bad idea. He knows he shouldn't. But even if it's okay, even if he's not hurt at all, he could've died today, and with that thought and the adrenaline still pumping in his veins, a little word like "shouldn't" doesn't seem so important anymore.
Minseok resists at first, pushes him away and holds him at arms' length, but he doesn't say no. "What are you...?" he asks instead. "What if someone...?"
Lu Han steps back and pointedly deadbolts the door. "I was scared," he says. "So we locked it to be safe."
Minseok stares at him, a million questions in his eyes. Lu Han thinks he sees What are we doing? and Are you sure you want me?, but the only answer he gives is to easily break out of Minseok's hold and lean in to kiss him again.
They kiss hard, a little bit rough and desperate, and it's not long before Lu Han finds himself wanting more. He tugs at Minseok's jacket, and Minseok obligingly pulls it off. His shirt soon follows, leaving him in only a thin tank top. Lu Han's only wearing a t-shirt (and he remembers too late that he's probably kind of gross after a long dance practice), and that comes off easily enough.
The move into Lu Han's bedroom, losing their pants and tumbling onto the bed in only their underwear. It's all very fast, but Lu Han likes the way his heart is pounding now, and he doesn't see Minseok objecting. They're pressed up against each other, and Lu Han slides his leg between Minseok's and relishes the way he moans.
It's not until they're both naked that there's any hesitation. "What do you want to do?" Minseok asks. His voice is rough and breathy and Lu Han wants to hear more of it, wants to know what else he can sound like.
"I don't have anything," he reluctantly admits, which is kind of embarrassing for a guy his age but probably not so surprising, all things considered.
"Me neither," Minseok says. "That's okay." He pulls Lu Han down against him and rolls them onto their sides, and then he gets a hand between them and Lu Han gasps when Minseok touches him. He breathes out a curse, in Mandarin without thinking about it, and Minseok chuckles and says, "I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing it's good."
It is good, kissing messily as Minseok touches him in quick, sure strokes, drinking down his moans. His hips jerk forward unconsciously and Minseok groans as Lu Han's body moves against his erection, so he does it again, wrapping an arm around Minseok's back to pull him closer.
It's rushed, but Lu Han doesn't care, pushing into Minseok's touch until he comes, biting back a cry. Then he goes to touch Minseok, and it doesn't take much to have him coming too, his moan muffled by Lu Han's mouth.
Lu Han rolls onto his back, Minseok half on top of him, and for long few seconds, they just lie there, breathing hard. Then Minseok sits up, looking down at Lu Han. "What just happened?" he asks. Lu Han's not sure how to read his expression, but maybe disbelieving.
"Well..." There's come on Minseok's stomach and Lu Han touches his fingers to it, making Minseok wrinkle his nose in distaste. Lu Han has to laugh at his expression. "It was good, wasn't it?" he asks.
"Yes, but...you're an idol," Minseok says, gesturing at Lu Han even though he doesn't look very idol-like at all right now.
"Despite what fans like to think," Lu Han says dryly, "idols have sex too."
"That's not what I mean," Minseok continues, sounding more exasperated now. "You're famous and you're..." Another gesture, as if that'll explain what he's thinking.
"And you're hot," Lu Han shoots back, and he laughs again at the incredulous look Minseok gives him. "I know it's kind of sudden, but you know, I like you. It doesn't matter if you're famous or not."
That makes Minseok look embarrassed, and Lu Han is a little bit too because feelings aren't his strong suit, so he'd glad when Minseok hurries him into the shower. They wash quickly, dry their hair and get dressed, settling on the couch in the living room to wait for Lu Han's manager to come back.
They only have to wait about ten minutes, and Minseok shoots Lu Han an "I told you so" look when they hear the key in the lock. Lu Han gets up to undo the deadbolt and let his manager in. Once he's in, he asks them to sit down so they can talk.
Lu Han's expecting an update on the situation, but he's definitely not expecting, "I have to confess something to both of you. That attack today was actually a set up."
"What?" Lu Han and Minseok ask almost in unison.
"That man was an actor who I hired to stage an attack. He wouldn't really have hurt you, even if Minseok hadn't been able to stop him."
"I'm sorry, what?" Lu Han asks again, trying to wrap his head around what he's hearing. "Why would you do that?"
His manager frowns, looking uncomfortable. Lu Han is lost. "Well, the truth is, there's been a lot of...speculation happening, recently. As I told you before, we hired Minseok in part because he doesn't look like a bodyguard, but the problem with that plan is that it meant people started looking for other explanations about who this guy hanging around you all the time was."
"Oh," Lu Han says as understanding hits him.
"Wait, what?" Minseok asks, frowning at Lu Han.
"They thought you were my boyfriend," Lu Han explains without meeting his eyes. He doesn't trust his expression not to betray him. "Right?" he asks his manager.
"Right. We'd hoped the rumors would die down after a while, but they only got worse as you two became more obviously close."
"So you decided to have a fake attack on me? Why not just fire Minseok? I mean, not that I want you to," he adds hurriedly, "but wouldn't that be a lot simpler?"
"It would. But, well...we didn't want to do that except as a last resort." He looks at Lu Han, who remembers their conversation about Minseok making him happy and can't help feeling guilty to have repaid his manager's concern by doing something he's really not supposed to. "And then we'd probably have to deal with speculation that you broke up with your boyfriend," his manager quickly continues, barreling over their awkward moment.
"Thanks," Lu Han says anyway, and Minseok nods his agreement.
"Now, let me be clear," his manager continues. "If this doesn't work, then that's it. Lu Han's reputation comes first. But the initial response seems to be in line with what we'd hoped for, so it looks like we'll be able to keep Minseok on for now. If you want to stay, that is," he adds as an afterthought.
"Of course," Minseok says, and Lu Han can't help smiling.
I don't think that plan went quite how it was supposed to, Minseok texts him later, after he goes home.
I think it went okay, Lu Han replies.
It's almost two weeks before they're alone again, passing some midday downtime while Lu Han's manager goes to a meeting. Lu Han doesn't know what to expect, but he knows what he wants, and he's relieved when he meets Minseok's eyes and sees the same uncertain want in them. "I wasn't sure," Lu Han tells him, "if you were interested or if it was a one-time thing."
"I was sure you weren't interested," Minseok sheepishly admits.
"That's dumb," Lu Han says. "I said I like you."
Minseok laughs, but he looks happy. "I don't understand you."
"That's okay," Lu Han says, and then kisses him.
They have an hour and a half until Lu Han's manager is due back, but they waste no time. This time Minseok is prepared and they can do everything they want, reducing Lu Han to a writhing mess on the sheets. It's still a little too rushed, but Minseok kisses him more gently in the shower after and Lu Han feels happy.
And that's how it goes, a stolen kiss here and there, quick and dirty bathroom handjobs, and sex when there's time and Lu Han's manager is gone from the apartment he theoretically shares with Lu Han. It's not exactly Lu Han's dream relationship, but he knows he's lucky to have this much right now, and at least he still has Minseok around a lot, even if they have to keep their hands off each other when anyone else is around. All things considered, he's happy.
Minseok seems happy too, and that makes Lu Han feel good. Even if Minseok can never seem to understand why, Lu Han likes him a lot, and he likes that Minseok likes him back. (Maybe Lu Han even loves him, but it's too soon to be sure of that, and way too soon to admit it.)
"I still don't understand you," Minseok often tells him. "You're a famous idol and half of Korea and most of China is in love with you, so you could have anyone. I'm nothing special."
But you are, Lu Han wants to say, but that's embarrassing, so he just says, "But I want you," and kisses Minseok so he can't say anything more, and Minseok always kisses him back.
And then one morning, Lu Han wakes up to a sharp knock on his bedroom door. "What?" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes as if that'll make up for not sleeping enough. "Is it time to get up?"
"Can I come in?" It's his manager's voice, and he doesn't sound happy.
"Yeah," Lu Han says. He struggles into a sitting position, running a hand through his messy hair as the door opens. His manager is frowning, which is never a good sign. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks.
His manager is holding a laptop, and he puts it down in front of Lu Han. There's a website open, and Lu Han's mouth goes dry as he sees the pictures on it. They're of him and Minseok, and it looks like there are a lot of them. He scrolls down, half reading the text speculating on their relationship. "Wow, that's a lot," he says. "But...it's nothing new, is it?" He tries to keep his voice steady, but his manager can probably see right through him.
"The rumors died down, for a while," his manager says, "but this website went live yesterday and they've got a lot on there. There's nothing really incriminating, nothing we can't deny, but the speculation is already exploding."
"Can't you do something to keep it quiet? It worked last time..." He knows it's a long shot, knows where this is probably going, but he's desperate to keep it from happening.
"It worked once," his manager says flatly. "It won't work a second time. You know that."
"But..."
"I'm sorry." He does look genuinely sorry, but that doesn't make Lu Han feel any better about what comes next. "I'm going to call Minseok and tell him not to come in again. We've already let this go too far, but if we make a clean break now, hopefully it won't have a significant effect on you."
You say that like never seeing Minseok again won't have an effect on me, Lu Han thinks bitterly, but of course that's not what his manager means; his career is all that matters.
"Get ready for work," his manager continues. "You have dance practice in an hour. I'll see about getting a temporary bodyguard until we can find a good replacement." He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Look, I know you and Minseok...have gotten really close. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you need to stay away. You can't risk giving the media anything further. Don't contact him again."
"I know," Lu Han says, because there's nothing else he can say. "I won't."
The man who comes in to replace Minseok has at least fifteen years and fifty pounds on Lu Han, and a face that assures no one will ever suspect him of being Lu Han's boyfriend. He doesn't say much after a brief introduction, just stands stiffly by the door while Lu Han practices.
Lu Han tries his best to focus on the new choreography he's supposed to be learning, but it's hard. Just yesterday, he was so happy, and today he's facing the very real possibility that he'll never see Minseok again. He's sacrificed a lot for his dream of being an idol, left his family and friends and home country, but this hurts the worst because he has no say in it at all, no chance to say his goodbyes and make peace with it.
He can visit his parents in China and talk to his friends when he misses them, but he's supposed to cut off all contact with Minseok now. He knew when he signed up that being an idol meant putting a lot of things, including a chance at love, aside. He just never realized until now, until he actually found someone he wanted to be with and maybe does love, how hard that could be.
For three days, he behaves himself, doesn't contact Minseok and does his best not to think about him at all. Then his manager goes out one night, leaving Lu Han alone in their apartment with his phone and his thoughts, and he can't help dialing Minseok's number.
The phone rings four times and he thinks Minseok won't answer, but then he hears, "I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore."
He's not prepared for the wave of emotion that hits him at the sound of Minseok's voice. "I know," he says, and his own voice wavers before he catches himself. "But just this once? I needed to talk to you one more time, to say goodbye."
"I don't think your manager will like that," Minseok says.
"He's not here," Lu Han says. "And he can deal with it." He sounds like a petulant child, but he doesn't care.
Minseok laughs, just a little, softly. "Okay." Then, "This sucks. I mean, I knew this would happen if we ever got caught, but we didn't even do that. And it would suck even if we had."
"Yeah," Lu Han agrees. "I'm really sorry."
"It's not your fault," Minseok says immediately.
"Isn't it? I mean, it's not your reputation that we're trying to protect."
There's a long silence. Minseok sighs heavily. "I guess. But it's not your fault people would make a big deal if they knew. Anyway, we don't need to talk about that."
"Yeah," Lu Han says, but he doesn't know what else to talk about. What do you say when you know it'll be your last time talking to someone? "I just... I really..." He's never been good with words, and now they fail him completely. "Thank you," he finally manages. "Being with you...I was really happy."
"Me too," Minseok says softly. "I still don't know what the hell a guy like you was doing with me, but I was happy."
"And you're still an idiot," Lu Han tells him, because even if Minseok can't see it, Lu Han's the lucky one here.
"I guess I am," Minseok says. There's silence again, and then he continues, "Let's not do some big, sappy goodbye. That's not my style and I don't think it's yours either."
"No, it's not," Lu Han agrees, but he doesn't want to end this conversation. He's not ready to let go yet.
"Good luck," Minseok says. "With everything. I'm sure you'll be great. Greater than you already are."
"And you?" Lu Han asks, meaning 'will you be okay?'
"I'll be great too," Minseok says, surprising a laugh out of Lu Han. "Don't worry about me."
"Mmm." There's silence again, and Lu Han doesn't know what to say, but he can't bring himself to hang up.
"Look," Minseok finally says, "it's not going to suck any less if we drag this out. Just, take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will," Lu Han says. His voice sounds hollow. "You too."
"Who knows?" Minseok says. "Maybe we'll meet again someday." The lightness in his voice is forced, but Lu Han pretends not to notice.
"So let's not say goodbye," Lu Han says. "See you."
"See you." The line goes dead, and Lu Han is left holding his phone in silence.
He wants to do a lot of things, to scream or curse or cry or throw something, but he doesn't. He just sits there quietly with his phone in his hand, trying to memorize the sound of Minseok's voice so he'll never forget it.
When his manager comes back an hour later and finds Lu Han sitting on the couch, he takes one look at him and sighs his 'Why are you so troublesome?' sigh. "I told you no more contact," he says, with a resigned air that tells Lu Han he knew it would happen.
"I just had to say goodbye," Lu Han tells him. "I'm done now."
His manager fixes him with a long, measuring look before he says, "It's worth it. It'll be worth it."
"I hope so," is all Lu Han says.
His reputation survives the attempt at causing a scandal, and his rise continues and he is happy, usually, even if he's a little lonely. Five years later, when it doesn't really hurt anymore, he looks Minseok up online and finds a website for a small cafe, with a picture of a beaming Minseok with a woman and a baby. That does hurt a little, maybe, but he looks so happy, and Lu Han can't fault him for moving on.
For his part, Lu Han comes out at the age of forty to a surprisingly mild reaction mostly consisting of people saying, "Didn't we know that already?" It's amazing how much better he feels after that, like he's been lugging a weight around for more than half his life and suddenly it's been lifted from his shoulders. He even finds someone to settle down with, at the ripe old age of forty-two, and it's good, even though it took a long time. Then, maybe, he can finally let go.
4
There's a burst of gunfire, terrifyingly close, and Lu Han panics and pulls the trigger on his own gun, firing into the smoky dimness. He hears a faint cry and then a thump and runs forward to see an enemy soldier on the ground, blood spreading quickly on his chest where Lu Han's bullet hit him.
He stares in horror at the man. It's not the first time he's shot someone, but never up close. This man may be the enemy, but he doesn't look evil or dangerous. He looks very, very young, far too young to be involved in a war. (Lu Han is too young to be involved in a war too. Maybe no one is ever old enough for fire and fear and death and blood on their hands.) He looks scared and in pain, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest.
The blood is spreading fast; there's no way he's going to make it, even if help comes. He mumbles something in Korean, and when Lu Han looks at him blankly, he says in Mandarin, "Cold." His eyes are pleading, and so painfully young.
Lu Han is rooting around in his pack for his blanket so he doesn't see the moment the man's life leaves him, but he does see the way he looks after, eyes gone glassy and blank, and he stares at him, unable to tear his gaze away, until one of his own comrades chances by and pulls him away from the body.
Lu Han makes it out of the war alive, and lives for so long that he feels guilty about it. He remembers friends, comrades that he lost, but that image above everything else haunts him for the rest of his life.
5
His name is Brian Lu, unofficially after his family moves to California when he's four years old, and officially once he turns eighteen and is sick of saying "Please call me Brian" every time a teacher calls roll.
The couple next door has Korean names that his parents can't pronounce, but their son is named Alex and their daughter Sarah, with Korean middle names to distinguish them from all the other Alex and Sarah Kims out there. Alex is the same age as Brian, and they play together all the time, even though all Brian can say in English is "hello," "goodbye," and "No English." But he learns quickly, as only a young child can, and soon they're communicating without any trouble.
They go to the same elementary school and play together at recess, and Brian always feels good when he tells someone that Alex is his best friend. They play together after school too, out in the street or in the backyard when their parents yell at them, one set in Korean and the other in Mandarin. (Brian learns how to say "Come inside" and "Put on a sweatshirt" and "Did you do your homework?" in Korean, repeating them to Alex and making him laugh.)
They're inseparable, playing on the same youth soccer teams and taking piano lessons from the same teacher (and hiding away together to avoid practicing), doing their homework together and eating dinner at each other's houses at least once a week. They fight occasionally, over stupid little things, but they never last more than a day without making up.
As long as Alex is there, Brian never feels alone. He's shy, at first, not managing to make other friends, but he doesn't need anyone else. As they get older, they do make other friends, good friends, but nobody ever quite manages to penetrate the inner circle that's only them. No one else will ever be his best friend.
Brian kisses Alex for the first time when they're ten and neither of them understands what it means. "Why did you do that?" Alex asks, and Brian can only shrug.
"It's supposed to be nice, right?" he says. "Kissing."
"Aren't you supposed to kiss girls?" Alex asks, brows knitting in confusion.
"Probably," Brian agrees, but even though he's only ten, he already thinks he'd rather kiss Alex than any girl.
By the time they're fifteen, Brian has kissed three girls and he's quite sure that he'd rather kiss Alex than any of them. Alex has kissed two girls, and he's the one this time to lean in slowly and press his lips to Brian's. "Is it okay?" he asks in a low voice, shy, and Brian nods, eyes wide because it feels like a big thing, exciting and scary at the same time.
But it's good, and they keep kissing each other whenever they can catch a moment alone, shy pecks at first and more once they get brave. They never really talk about it, don't give their relationship or their feelings or their sexuality a name, but they both know, so there's no need.
Sarah catches them one night, not quite in the act but with suspiciously swollen lips and messy hair, but she just makes a face and says, "Not in front of me, please." She keeps their secret, and no one else finds out. It's a little lonely, maybe, when their friends talk about their crushes on girls and even find themselves girlfriends, but Brian is still never really lonely as long as he has Alex. His friends can talk about girls to their hearts' content; he already has the person he wants.
Brian gets worried when their senior year rolls around and the time comes for college applications. He's been with Alex since kindergarten. What will he do if they end up at different colleges? "Let's just worry about getting into good schools first," says Alex, whose parents are driving him crazy with pressure to get into a good university and find scholarships to pay for it. Brian's are just as bad, maybe even worse because he's their only child, but he still can't help thinking that he'd choose Alex over a good university any day.
After long months of stress, they both get into UCLA, and Brian is so happy that he picks Alex up and spins him around until he demands to be put down. Then he kisses him, and then he says, "I love you," and Alex's smile freezes on his face.
"You...really?" he asks, and Brian wishes he could take it back even though it's the truth.
"It's not a big deal," he says quickly. "Forget I said anything."
"No, I..." Alex starts, holding Brian's arms so he can't run away like he wants to. "I...me too. I love you too."
Brian smiles so wide his cheeks hurt, and then he kisses Alex again and thinks that this is the best day of his life.
In university, they end up in different majors and different dorms, but that doesn't stop them from spending most of their free time together. Brian's roommate is a devout Christian who makes him a little nervous for a lot of reasons and definitely wouldn't approve of their relationship, but Alex's is a walking stereotype of an art student who takes one look at the two of them sitting on Alex's bed, just talking, and asks, "Should I go have an extra-long dinner so you can have some time alone?" They both stare at him, a little panicked, but he laughs and says, "It's cool. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."
In time, they learn that college is different from high school, that there are a lot of people here who don't think it's weird that they don't want to pick up girls in parties, or anywhere else, because they're much happier with each other. Not everyone is like that, of course, but enough for them to get more comfortable.
Maybe they get a little too comfortable, because over winter break in their junior year, Alex's mom walks in on the two of them. They're not even doing anything, really, but Alex is leaning back on Brian's chest with their linked hands resting on his stomach and there's no way to pass it off as anything but what it is.
Alex's mom says something sharp in Korean. It's not one of her usual phrases so Brian doesn't understand it, but Alex flinches and sits up, pulling his hand away. His mom says something else and then he says, "You should go," voice low and tight, without turning around.
Brian doesn't want to go, but there's no room for argument in that tone, or in the glare Alex's mother is turning on him. She's always loved him until now (except for the one time he talked Alex into ditching school to play soccer). It hurts to see her looking at him like that, though not as much as it hurts that Alex won't look at him at all. "Okay," he says, and he feels like he should say sorry, but he's not, not one bit. He's only sorry that they got caught.
He locks himself in his room and tries not to think for three hours until his phone finally beeps with a text. He finds Alex on the playground of their old elementary school, sitting on one of the swings. Brian sits next to him, frowning at the way Alex still won't look at him even though they're alone. There's probably a question to be asked, but he's afraid to ask it, so he just sits and waits, trying to ignore the feeling of dread building in his stomach.
"We can't...do this anymore," Alex says. His voice still sounds flat, dead, and Brian wants to give him a hug, but that won't help now. "I'm sorry. I thought I didn't care what my parents thought, but I guess I do." He sighs heavily. "They've done so much for me and I can't disappoint them."
"You're not—" Brian starts, but what can he say? He's sure Alex's mother is disappointed in him, even if she shouldn't be, and his parents would probably feel the same if they knew. It's no small thing to defy the expectations of the parents who worked so hard to give them good lives.
"I'm really sorry," Alex says again. "I do..." He doesn't finish, but Brian knows what he means. "But some things are even more important, you know? I can't let them down." Another sigh. "We probably should've known that it would come to this, sooner or later. They were never going to accept us."
"You never know," Brian argues, but really, they do. Maybe in time, their parents will change their minds, but it's too much to ask for Alex to wait for that uncertain possibility.
"I do know. I'm sorry. I just can't do it."
Brian doesn't know what to say when it feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest, so he just says, "Oh."
"We can still be friends?" Alex says, half a question. "My mom won't like it, but I can't imagine not being friends with you."
It's going to hurt, he knows, being just friends after they've been and still want to be so much more, but if that's all he can get, he'll take it. He's been friends with Alex for too long to let a little thing like a broken heart get in the way. "Yeah," he says, and he tries to sound convincing but mostly just sounds hollow. "We can be friends."
They do stay friends, somehow, and three years later, Brian is the best man at Alex's wedding to a nice Hispanic girl, even though Alex awkwardly tells him that he doesn't have to do it. Alex's parents aren't thrilled with his choice, and a part of Brian smugly thinks, Serves you right, but mostly he just feels sad. He wants to hate the girl, but she really is nice, and smart and funny and clearly very fond of Alex, and besides, if he wants to keep his friend, he's stuck with her. So he swallows down his jealousy and smiles and tries to tell himself that this is for the best.
He finally gives in to his mother's nagging and gets married himself four years after that, to a Chinese girl from his almost-forgotten hometown. She's pretty and sweet and he does like her, and he thinks that maybe if he tries hard enough he'll be able to love her someday.
(He never quite manages it, even though he says he does. They're not unhappy, but he can't help thinking that maybe there's only ever been one person he could love.)
6
The first time Lu Han walks past the house (and the second and third and fourth), he has his headphones in with the volume turned up on his music so he doesn't hear the piano music coming from inside. The fifth time he's on the phone, focusing hard on carrying on a conversation in Korean, so he hears the music but doesn't pay attention.
The sixth time, finally, he notices, but he doesn't think much of it. He doesn't have anything against classical music or piano, but he's more interested in pop. If DBSK sings a song with piano in it, he'll enjoy it, but he rarely listens to piano on its own. He absently thinks that it sounds nice, because he likes music in general enough to appreciate that, but he continues on his way and quickly forgets about it.
He always walks past that house on his way to school, and usually at the same time, and eventually he notices, even with his headphones in, that there is, without fail, always the sound of piano music coming from inside when he's on his way to class. Curious, he pops one earbud out for as long as the piano is audible, day after day until he starts to recognize the handful of pieces the player is always practicing.
He finds himself wondering what the person playing is like. It's midmorning, so likely not a kid, but other than that, the possibilities are endless. He envisions a sophisticated woman a few years older than him, with short but perfectly-manicured nails and heels on so she can practice the same way she performs, or an older man with greying hair but strong arms. Someone dignified and well put together, sitting up straight on the piano bench and focusing on the music with sharp eyes.
And then one day as spring starts to warm up into summer, he sees a boy sitting on a bench in front of the silent house. He looks like a high school student, maybe even junior high, wearing what might be a school uniform, slacks and a white dress shirt. It should be a school day, but maybe there's a holiday Lu Han doesn't know about, or maybe he's skipping. It doesn't occur to him that this might be the mysterious piano player until he notices, belatedly, that there's no music coming from inside today.
He stops, surprised, because this is the first time in the weeks since he started paying attention that no one is playing. The boy notices after a moment and gives him a curious look, and Lu Han freezes awkwardly, wondering how to explain himself. "I, uh..." he starts. Maybe he'd be better off just continuing on his way without saying anything, but it's too late now. "I walk past here a lot," he explains. "There's always someone playing piano."
"Oh," says the boy, smiling a little, almost sheepish. "I slammed my fingers in a door yesterday and they kind of hurt, so I'm taking a break. But I should get back soon or my teacher will yell at me for not practicing enough."
"Oh, it's you?" Lu Han asks, realizing too late that it's probably not very polite to sound so surprised. It's just that this young boy is not the kind of person who he would expect to be playing so smoothly, or to be practicing so consistently every single day.
"What were you expecting?" Thankfully, the boy sounds more amused than anything else.
"I thought it would be an adult, at least," Lu Han says.
That gets a laugh. "I am an adult," the boy says, and Lu Han recognizes the resigned air of someone used to being thought of as younger than they are. "More or less, anyway. I'm twenty."
"Oh, the same age as me." He still can't see it, but there's no reason to think the boy (man?) is lying to him. "Sorry." Then, "You play really well." He's not sure why he says it because it's not like he knows enough to judge, but if this guy is getting him to listen to music he wouldn't otherwise, he can't be too bad.
"Thank you," the boy says. "I didn't think anyone was even listening." He flashes Lu Han a smile, a little crooked, but bright and genuine. "I should get back to work, and don't you have somewhere to be?"
Lu Han looks at his watch and winces. He'll have to hurry now. "Yeah. I'll see you."
"Maybe you will," the boy says lightly, waving him off, and it's not until Lu Han's turned the corner that he realizes he didn't even get his name.
The piano music is back the next time Lu Han passes, and he almost wants to stop and say hi, but he'd feel weird knocking on the door when they only talked once for a minute or two, so he continues on his way. It's like that for the rest of the week, and the following Monday, but on Tuesday, there's quiet again and the piano player is sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, soaking in the sun.
Lu Han stops and says, "Hello again."
The boy's eyes open and he squints a little against the light. "Hey," he says. "I was wondering if you'd be by before I had to go back inside."
"You were waiting for me?" Lu Han asks.
"Not waiting. Just taking a break and wondering if I might have any company." He seems a little amused at Lu Han's expense, so he doesn't mention how he's been leaving a little early for class so he'd have time to talk if the opportunity arose.
"Well, looks like you do," he says instead. "I'm Lu Han, by the way."
"Lu Han," the boy echoes. "Kim Minseok. Nice to meet you properly."
"Nice to meet you," Lu Han responds immediately, the formality drilled into him by hours of introductory Korean class.
It turns out that Minseok is a university student too, but his major is music performance, so he spends hours and hours at the piano instead of slogging through Korean literature or trying to remember the right ways to talk to people in Korean without insulting them. "University isn't really necessary to be a performer," Minseok explains, "but my parents insisted, and I guess it's good, even if I don't have much time for the fun parts."
Lu Han would be happy to talk longer, but class awaits, so he reluctantly says goodbye. Just before he leaves, Minseok says, "Hey, if you ever feel like it, you can knock on the door and say hi. I'm usually the only one home and I could use a little break."
"Okay, I will," Lu Han says, and grins at him without knowing why.
It starts to become a habit, leaving for class ten or fifteen minutes early and stopping by to talk to Minseok, and he has to laugh when he catches himself smiling at the sound of piano music over the speakers in a grocery store. He tells Minseok about it the next day, and he laughs too and says, "I'll make you a fan of real music yet."
(Lu Han doesn't take it too seriously because Minseok admitted the week before that he's a DBSK fan too, and if piano hadn't grabbed him so early in life, he might have wanted to be an idol like them.)
After a few weeks, Lu Han starts leaving earlier and watching Minseok play for ten or fifteen minutes before he takes a break. He's still not sure how much he cares about piano music, but he's fascinated by the sight of Minseok playing. There's an intensity to him, his eyes flitting between the music and his hands, strong arms and hands getting into the keys to draw out the fullest sound. His fingers dance over the keys, rarely landing wrong (or if they do, Lu Han doesn't notice unless he stops or makes a face).
"It's weird practicing with you watching," Minseok tells him. "Only my piano teacher does that, and he's a little scary. And my mom used to, but not since I was little."
"I won't if you don't want me to," Lu Han says quickly, but Minseok shakes his head.
"I don't mind, if you want to do it. It's kind of nice, having an audience."
So he keeps watching and then chatting with Minseok after. He learns the names of the pieces Minseok is working on, and interesting details about them. He learns that Minseok started playing at age four, almost quit at age fourteen, and then decided that he really did want to do this with his life. And he tells Minseok about his studies and his friends and how he ended up in Seoul. They never talk for more than fifteen or twenty minutes at a time, but it adds up after a while, and it feels like he and Minseok have known each other for much longer than they really have.
Part 2
Pairing: Lu Han/Minseok
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 60,094
Summary: "It's only fair that I should chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you'll return to me."
Notes: Very loosely based on (and summary quoted from) this. A million thanks to L and G for betaing and general handholding, and thank you to V for the boyband name and M for Korean naming help.
Warnings: character death, brief suicidal thoughts (but no actual attempts at suicide), hallucinations, terminal illness, apocalyptic plague, homophobia, genderswitch (character was always female), prostitution, sex between underage characters (who aren't actually underage in real life)
Please note that many of these only appear in one section of the fic that you won't miss too much by skipping. If you want to read but want to avoid a particular thing, feel free to ask and I can tell you which part(s) to skip.
Also, despite that long list of warnings, I can promise you a happy ending, so please don't be scared off. XD
"Is it possible that you could know someone before you even meet them? That you could be born knowing them?"
--
"Don't forget me. Okay? I don't want to be forgotten."
1
They're professional soccer players, rivals on the field but friends off of it. It's a friendship that lasts through victory and defeat, and across so many countries they both lose track. They go a long time without seeing each other sometimes, but when they do meet, it's always the same, chasing each other during the game and laughing together when it's over.
Lu Han always eagerly anticipates the games against Minseok's team (no matter what team he's on at the time). He loves soccer, so really he anticipates every game, but these are the games where he's eager for the end, not just for the chance to celebrate a victory, but because Minseok can be counted on to jog over and fling himself into Lu Han's arms. They're always sweaty and disgusting, and Lu Han's teammates tease him about it, sometimes with a little bite, but he doesn't care because Minseok warm and solid in his arms feels more right than anything else in the world.
He kisses Minseok in Barcelona, in Minseok's small but neat apartment with a view of the beach, and he probably shouldn't be, but he's shocked all the same when Minseok pushes him away.
"W-what are you doing?" he stammers, eyes wide.
"I like you," Lu Han says to his hands, even if maybe he should quit before he digs himself into a deeper hole. He's started this, and it's been a long time coming; he may as well finish it. "A lot." He swallows down his fear and continues, "I love you, actually."
He chances a look up again, and at least Minseok doesn't look disgusted, but he looks extremely uncomfortable as he says, "I'm sorry, I don't... I mean, I'm not..." He trails off, biting his lip uncertainly, and runs a hand through his dirty blond hair. (It doesn't suit him, but Lu Han thinks he looks great all the same.) "Sorry."
"Forget it!" Lu Han forces himself to say, pasting a smile on his face like it doesn't hurt. "It doesn't matter."
And maybe it doesn't, because they stay friends through the rest of their careers and beyond, but it always hurts a little, and there are no more hugs after that.
2
Lu Han looks nervously around the classroom as the teacher introduces him, the new transfer student from China who's still learning Korean, so please take care of him. (It's generous to call him anything more than a beginner. He barely gets the gist of the teacher's speech, and his ability to carry on a conversation is nearly nonexistent.) He fumbles through the introduction he practiced last night in front of his parents (as if their Korean isn't even worse than his), looking nervously around at the sea of unimpressed eyes, and is relieved when the teacher tells him to sit down.
At lunch time, a few students take pity and try to talk to him, but they give up quickly when it becomes apparent that he doesn't understand most of what they're saying. He slumps in his seat when they leave, eating his sandwich in silence and wishing he was back in Beijing.
Then, suddenly, someone is holding a cookie in front of him. He looks up in surprise to see a boy smiling hesitantly at him, holding out the cookie in a clear offer. Lu Han takes it with a mumbled thank you, and the boy sits back down in the seat beside him. "Lu Han, right?" he asks, munching on a cookie of his own. "I'm Minseok."
"Minseok," Lu Han repeats, and the boy laughs and corrects his pronunciation without being mean about it. It takes a few tries, but he gets it well enough, and then he tries to teach Minseok how to pronounce his name, which is more of a challenge and soon has them both laughing even though all they're doing is repeating "Lu Han" over and over.
That's how their friendship starts, and it continues through conversations carried out half in hand gestures, through Korean movies with Chinese subtitles and vice versa, and physical games that don't require speaking. Minseok's friends seem a little perplexed by his friendship with Lu Han, but they accept him into their group, and high school no longer seems like such a scary place.
Their relationship starts without words too, with Lu Han grabbing Minseok's hand to pull him over to a store or pulling him close while they watch movies on Minseok's bed. It's usually Lu Han initiating contact, but Minseok almost always lets him, and when he leans in to Lu Han's side, it's clear that he likes it too.
It seems only natural, the day Minseok has his head on Lu Han's shoulder while they watch a terrible kung fu movie and he tilts his head just a little bit over and up so that Lu Han can't help leaning down to kiss him. There's a moment of hesitation, maybe, but it's brief, and then Minseok is turning to face him and they kiss long and slow and deep, the movie forgotten behind them.
Kisses turn into touches, which turn into more, and they're not each other's first kiss, but they're the first for everything else, and it doesn't take long for Lu Han to fall hopelessly head over heels. They're curled up together one day in Lu Han's bed (because Minseok has a nosy sister and a stay-at-home mom, while both of Lu Han's parents work, usually late) when Lu Han murmurs, "I love you," into Minseok's hair.
The seconds that follow his unplanned confession are the longest of Lu Han's life so far, but then Minseok looks up at him with a crooked smile and says, "I love you too," and Lu Han's heart feels so full it might burst with happiness.
It's another evening like that, a year later when university and the uncertain future are looming big over every aspect of their lives, when Lu Han asks, "Do you think we'll stay together forever?" They're dressed because they're at Minseok's house today, but hiding their cuddling under blankets, and Lu Han is rubbing his thumb along bare skin at Minseok's waist.
"I do," Minseok says without hesitation, and Lu Han's heart swells the way it so often does when they're together. "Do you?"
"Without a doubt," Lu Han says, and doesn't care when Minseok laughs at him for being cheesy because it's true.
(They don't. They break up five years later after Lu Han moves back to China and distance and their inability to agree on what to do about it become too much for them. Lu Han feels bereft, lost, and his friends reassure him that it's not the end of the world, that he'll find someone better in time, but it's hard to believe there is anyone better for him.)
3
When his manager introduces Lu Han to his new bodyguard, he is, understandably, a little skeptical. He trusts that his manager wouldn't hire someone who wasn't qualified, but the guy is shorter than him, with a slim build, and if he's got muscles they're well-hidden under his jacket and slacks. He also looks like he belongs in, at best, a high school classroom, though Lu Han knows a thing or two about looking younger than you are.
"Uh, no offense..." he starts, but he's not really sure where to go with that.
His point must get across, though, because the bodyguard, Minseok, asks, "Do you want to arm wrestle?"
Lu Han gives him a funny look because that's not at all the kind of response he'd expect, but Minseok seems serious about it, so he shrugs and says, "Sure." He wonders if Minseok is underestimating him; he may have a delicate image, but he's hiding muscles of his own under his t-shirt and loose pants.
They sit at the table and fit their hands together. Minseok's hand is smaller than his, and when he first starts to push, Lu Han is able to resist without much trouble. He's just about to make a sarcastic comment when Minseok's grip on his hand tightens, and the next thing he knows, the back of his hand is hitting the table. Minseok smiles, a little hesitantly like he's not sure how a famous idol will react to being soundly beaten at arm wrestling, but then Lu Han starts to laugh and he relaxes.
"Point made," Lu Han says, getting to his feet and patting Minseok on the shoulder.
From then on, Minseok is around nearly all the time, following Lu Han and his entourage from photoshoot to performance to interview to practice room and all the way back to the apartment he shares with his manager. It seems like overkill to Lu Han, but he's not going to complain. His manager is nice but twice his age, and the stylists are usually female and either middle-aged or too starstruck to talk to him.
But Minseok is, as it turns out, the same age as him, and easy to talk to. Lu Han asks so many questions that his manager scolds him half-jokingly for being nosy, but once Lu Han makes it clear that he doesn't mind, Minseok asks him a lot of questions back. They discuss soccer and singing and dancing and how a boy from Beijing ended up becoming a solo artist in Korea, and food and family and all manner of other things.
It doesn't change how busy and continuously exhausted he is, or the racist remarks that get thrown at him with depressing regularity, or the pressure on his shoulders or the reasons he needs a bodyguard in the first place. But it's nice to feel like he has a friend around, even if said friend is paid to spend time with him. "I'd spend time with you even when I'm not getting paid, if you actually had any free time," Minseok jokes. "And if you didn't have other cooler friends to spend that time with."
Lu Han laughs at that and slings an arm over his shoulders, even if he probably shouldn't when they're in public and Minseok's supposed to be protecting him if necessary. But nobody's ever actually tried to hurt him, or if they have they've never gotten remotely close, so he can't be bothered to worry about it too much. "You're cool enough for me," Lu Han says, and when Minseok grins in response, he can't help the way his heart melts a little.
"Why did you decide to hire someone like Minseok?" Lu Han asks his manager at one point. "I'm not complaining, but wouldn't a big, hulking bodyguard be a lot more intimidating?"
"There are two reasons," his manager replies, with a speed that says he's given this a lot of thought. "The first is to camouflage the fact that he is a bodyguard, both to catch anyone who might want to hurt you off guard and to keep the public from realizing."
Lu Han nods. He wouldn't have thought about it, but it makes sense. Then he asks, "And the second reason?"
"Well, to be honest, I thought you might like having someone your age around. Before, you seemed kind of...lonely." His manager is looking at him with that fatherly look he sometimes gets, and Lu Han offers him a smile. Being alone is something he's used to, as an only child and now as a solo act with little time to see his friends, but he does get lonely easily. There's no question that having Minseok around has made him happier.
To tell the truth, Lu Han likes having Minseok around a lot. He's funny and interesting and they get along well, and he's pretty easy on the eyes too. He keeps that last part to himself, because idols aren't supposed to date, especially younger ones like him, and they're most definitely not supposed to date men. But Lu Han knows where his preferences lie, even if he keeps quiet about it, and he could just be projecting, but he thinks Minseok might be interested too.
He thinks about it, but he has no intention of doing anything. He wouldn't want to ruin the career he's worked so hard for, and besides, if he already needs a bodyguard to protect him from crazy fans and anti-fans, he'd probably never be able to leave the house if they found out he was gay and dating someone. Someday, hopefully, that'll be a possibility, but for now, he'll have to be satisfied with just having a friend.
The day it happens is just like any other day. Lu Han has recording in the morning and a photoshoot and interview in the afternoon and dance practice in the evening, and he's just heading home when a man bursts out from the usual group of fans lurking outside the building. He's not too big, but he has a knife and he's moving forward very quickly, and Lu Han freezes in shock.
But it seems Minseok is qualified to be a bodyguard based on more than just his arm muscles because he jumps into action. Lu Han doesn't really follow what happens, but somehow he gets the man's arm twisted behind his back, making him drop the knife, and pins him to the ground until the police come and take him away.
They give their statements and then Lu Han's manager drives both of them back to his apartment. "I need to take care of some things, but I'll be back later," he says, leaving them at the door. To Minseok, he adds, "Please stay here until I get back."
Then the door closes and they're left alone, and suddenly Lu Han breaks out of the daze he's been in this whole time and realizes his heart is pounding, again or still, he doesn't know. "I guess you really do need a bodyguard," Minseok says as they go inside. He sounds shocked too, though not nearly as bad as Lu Han feels.
"I really thought, for a second..." Lu Han says. His voice shakes.
"Hey, it's okay—" Minseok starts, but he doesn't get any farther because Lu Han kisses him.
He knows it's a bad idea. He knows he shouldn't. But even if it's okay, even if he's not hurt at all, he could've died today, and with that thought and the adrenaline still pumping in his veins, a little word like "shouldn't" doesn't seem so important anymore.
Minseok resists at first, pushes him away and holds him at arms' length, but he doesn't say no. "What are you...?" he asks instead. "What if someone...?"
Lu Han steps back and pointedly deadbolts the door. "I was scared," he says. "So we locked it to be safe."
Minseok stares at him, a million questions in his eyes. Lu Han thinks he sees What are we doing? and Are you sure you want me?, but the only answer he gives is to easily break out of Minseok's hold and lean in to kiss him again.
They kiss hard, a little bit rough and desperate, and it's not long before Lu Han finds himself wanting more. He tugs at Minseok's jacket, and Minseok obligingly pulls it off. His shirt soon follows, leaving him in only a thin tank top. Lu Han's only wearing a t-shirt (and he remembers too late that he's probably kind of gross after a long dance practice), and that comes off easily enough.
The move into Lu Han's bedroom, losing their pants and tumbling onto the bed in only their underwear. It's all very fast, but Lu Han likes the way his heart is pounding now, and he doesn't see Minseok objecting. They're pressed up against each other, and Lu Han slides his leg between Minseok's and relishes the way he moans.
It's not until they're both naked that there's any hesitation. "What do you want to do?" Minseok asks. His voice is rough and breathy and Lu Han wants to hear more of it, wants to know what else he can sound like.
"I don't have anything," he reluctantly admits, which is kind of embarrassing for a guy his age but probably not so surprising, all things considered.
"Me neither," Minseok says. "That's okay." He pulls Lu Han down against him and rolls them onto their sides, and then he gets a hand between them and Lu Han gasps when Minseok touches him. He breathes out a curse, in Mandarin without thinking about it, and Minseok chuckles and says, "I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing it's good."
It is good, kissing messily as Minseok touches him in quick, sure strokes, drinking down his moans. His hips jerk forward unconsciously and Minseok groans as Lu Han's body moves against his erection, so he does it again, wrapping an arm around Minseok's back to pull him closer.
It's rushed, but Lu Han doesn't care, pushing into Minseok's touch until he comes, biting back a cry. Then he goes to touch Minseok, and it doesn't take much to have him coming too, his moan muffled by Lu Han's mouth.
Lu Han rolls onto his back, Minseok half on top of him, and for long few seconds, they just lie there, breathing hard. Then Minseok sits up, looking down at Lu Han. "What just happened?" he asks. Lu Han's not sure how to read his expression, but maybe disbelieving.
"Well..." There's come on Minseok's stomach and Lu Han touches his fingers to it, making Minseok wrinkle his nose in distaste. Lu Han has to laugh at his expression. "It was good, wasn't it?" he asks.
"Yes, but...you're an idol," Minseok says, gesturing at Lu Han even though he doesn't look very idol-like at all right now.
"Despite what fans like to think," Lu Han says dryly, "idols have sex too."
"That's not what I mean," Minseok continues, sounding more exasperated now. "You're famous and you're..." Another gesture, as if that'll explain what he's thinking.
"And you're hot," Lu Han shoots back, and he laughs again at the incredulous look Minseok gives him. "I know it's kind of sudden, but you know, I like you. It doesn't matter if you're famous or not."
That makes Minseok look embarrassed, and Lu Han is a little bit too because feelings aren't his strong suit, so he'd glad when Minseok hurries him into the shower. They wash quickly, dry their hair and get dressed, settling on the couch in the living room to wait for Lu Han's manager to come back.
They only have to wait about ten minutes, and Minseok shoots Lu Han an "I told you so" look when they hear the key in the lock. Lu Han gets up to undo the deadbolt and let his manager in. Once he's in, he asks them to sit down so they can talk.
Lu Han's expecting an update on the situation, but he's definitely not expecting, "I have to confess something to both of you. That attack today was actually a set up."
"What?" Lu Han and Minseok ask almost in unison.
"That man was an actor who I hired to stage an attack. He wouldn't really have hurt you, even if Minseok hadn't been able to stop him."
"I'm sorry, what?" Lu Han asks again, trying to wrap his head around what he's hearing. "Why would you do that?"
His manager frowns, looking uncomfortable. Lu Han is lost. "Well, the truth is, there's been a lot of...speculation happening, recently. As I told you before, we hired Minseok in part because he doesn't look like a bodyguard, but the problem with that plan is that it meant people started looking for other explanations about who this guy hanging around you all the time was."
"Oh," Lu Han says as understanding hits him.
"Wait, what?" Minseok asks, frowning at Lu Han.
"They thought you were my boyfriend," Lu Han explains without meeting his eyes. He doesn't trust his expression not to betray him. "Right?" he asks his manager.
"Right. We'd hoped the rumors would die down after a while, but they only got worse as you two became more obviously close."
"So you decided to have a fake attack on me? Why not just fire Minseok? I mean, not that I want you to," he adds hurriedly, "but wouldn't that be a lot simpler?"
"It would. But, well...we didn't want to do that except as a last resort." He looks at Lu Han, who remembers their conversation about Minseok making him happy and can't help feeling guilty to have repaid his manager's concern by doing something he's really not supposed to. "And then we'd probably have to deal with speculation that you broke up with your boyfriend," his manager quickly continues, barreling over their awkward moment.
"Thanks," Lu Han says anyway, and Minseok nods his agreement.
"Now, let me be clear," his manager continues. "If this doesn't work, then that's it. Lu Han's reputation comes first. But the initial response seems to be in line with what we'd hoped for, so it looks like we'll be able to keep Minseok on for now. If you want to stay, that is," he adds as an afterthought.
"Of course," Minseok says, and Lu Han can't help smiling.
I don't think that plan went quite how it was supposed to, Minseok texts him later, after he goes home.
I think it went okay, Lu Han replies.
It's almost two weeks before they're alone again, passing some midday downtime while Lu Han's manager goes to a meeting. Lu Han doesn't know what to expect, but he knows what he wants, and he's relieved when he meets Minseok's eyes and sees the same uncertain want in them. "I wasn't sure," Lu Han tells him, "if you were interested or if it was a one-time thing."
"I was sure you weren't interested," Minseok sheepishly admits.
"That's dumb," Lu Han says. "I said I like you."
Minseok laughs, but he looks happy. "I don't understand you."
"That's okay," Lu Han says, and then kisses him.
They have an hour and a half until Lu Han's manager is due back, but they waste no time. This time Minseok is prepared and they can do everything they want, reducing Lu Han to a writhing mess on the sheets. It's still a little too rushed, but Minseok kisses him more gently in the shower after and Lu Han feels happy.
And that's how it goes, a stolen kiss here and there, quick and dirty bathroom handjobs, and sex when there's time and Lu Han's manager is gone from the apartment he theoretically shares with Lu Han. It's not exactly Lu Han's dream relationship, but he knows he's lucky to have this much right now, and at least he still has Minseok around a lot, even if they have to keep their hands off each other when anyone else is around. All things considered, he's happy.
Minseok seems happy too, and that makes Lu Han feel good. Even if Minseok can never seem to understand why, Lu Han likes him a lot, and he likes that Minseok likes him back. (Maybe Lu Han even loves him, but it's too soon to be sure of that, and way too soon to admit it.)
"I still don't understand you," Minseok often tells him. "You're a famous idol and half of Korea and most of China is in love with you, so you could have anyone. I'm nothing special."
But you are, Lu Han wants to say, but that's embarrassing, so he just says, "But I want you," and kisses Minseok so he can't say anything more, and Minseok always kisses him back.
And then one morning, Lu Han wakes up to a sharp knock on his bedroom door. "What?" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes as if that'll make up for not sleeping enough. "Is it time to get up?"
"Can I come in?" It's his manager's voice, and he doesn't sound happy.
"Yeah," Lu Han says. He struggles into a sitting position, running a hand through his messy hair as the door opens. His manager is frowning, which is never a good sign. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks.
His manager is holding a laptop, and he puts it down in front of Lu Han. There's a website open, and Lu Han's mouth goes dry as he sees the pictures on it. They're of him and Minseok, and it looks like there are a lot of them. He scrolls down, half reading the text speculating on their relationship. "Wow, that's a lot," he says. "But...it's nothing new, is it?" He tries to keep his voice steady, but his manager can probably see right through him.
"The rumors died down, for a while," his manager says, "but this website went live yesterday and they've got a lot on there. There's nothing really incriminating, nothing we can't deny, but the speculation is already exploding."
"Can't you do something to keep it quiet? It worked last time..." He knows it's a long shot, knows where this is probably going, but he's desperate to keep it from happening.
"It worked once," his manager says flatly. "It won't work a second time. You know that."
"But..."
"I'm sorry." He does look genuinely sorry, but that doesn't make Lu Han feel any better about what comes next. "I'm going to call Minseok and tell him not to come in again. We've already let this go too far, but if we make a clean break now, hopefully it won't have a significant effect on you."
You say that like never seeing Minseok again won't have an effect on me, Lu Han thinks bitterly, but of course that's not what his manager means; his career is all that matters.
"Get ready for work," his manager continues. "You have dance practice in an hour. I'll see about getting a temporary bodyguard until we can find a good replacement." He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Look, I know you and Minseok...have gotten really close. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you need to stay away. You can't risk giving the media anything further. Don't contact him again."
"I know," Lu Han says, because there's nothing else he can say. "I won't."
The man who comes in to replace Minseok has at least fifteen years and fifty pounds on Lu Han, and a face that assures no one will ever suspect him of being Lu Han's boyfriend. He doesn't say much after a brief introduction, just stands stiffly by the door while Lu Han practices.
Lu Han tries his best to focus on the new choreography he's supposed to be learning, but it's hard. Just yesterday, he was so happy, and today he's facing the very real possibility that he'll never see Minseok again. He's sacrificed a lot for his dream of being an idol, left his family and friends and home country, but this hurts the worst because he has no say in it at all, no chance to say his goodbyes and make peace with it.
He can visit his parents in China and talk to his friends when he misses them, but he's supposed to cut off all contact with Minseok now. He knew when he signed up that being an idol meant putting a lot of things, including a chance at love, aside. He just never realized until now, until he actually found someone he wanted to be with and maybe does love, how hard that could be.
For three days, he behaves himself, doesn't contact Minseok and does his best not to think about him at all. Then his manager goes out one night, leaving Lu Han alone in their apartment with his phone and his thoughts, and he can't help dialing Minseok's number.
The phone rings four times and he thinks Minseok won't answer, but then he hears, "I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore."
He's not prepared for the wave of emotion that hits him at the sound of Minseok's voice. "I know," he says, and his own voice wavers before he catches himself. "But just this once? I needed to talk to you one more time, to say goodbye."
"I don't think your manager will like that," Minseok says.
"He's not here," Lu Han says. "And he can deal with it." He sounds like a petulant child, but he doesn't care.
Minseok laughs, just a little, softly. "Okay." Then, "This sucks. I mean, I knew this would happen if we ever got caught, but we didn't even do that. And it would suck even if we had."
"Yeah," Lu Han agrees. "I'm really sorry."
"It's not your fault," Minseok says immediately.
"Isn't it? I mean, it's not your reputation that we're trying to protect."
There's a long silence. Minseok sighs heavily. "I guess. But it's not your fault people would make a big deal if they knew. Anyway, we don't need to talk about that."
"Yeah," Lu Han says, but he doesn't know what else to talk about. What do you say when you know it'll be your last time talking to someone? "I just... I really..." He's never been good with words, and now they fail him completely. "Thank you," he finally manages. "Being with you...I was really happy."
"Me too," Minseok says softly. "I still don't know what the hell a guy like you was doing with me, but I was happy."
"And you're still an idiot," Lu Han tells him, because even if Minseok can't see it, Lu Han's the lucky one here.
"I guess I am," Minseok says. There's silence again, and then he continues, "Let's not do some big, sappy goodbye. That's not my style and I don't think it's yours either."
"No, it's not," Lu Han agrees, but he doesn't want to end this conversation. He's not ready to let go yet.
"Good luck," Minseok says. "With everything. I'm sure you'll be great. Greater than you already are."
"And you?" Lu Han asks, meaning 'will you be okay?'
"I'll be great too," Minseok says, surprising a laugh out of Lu Han. "Don't worry about me."
"Mmm." There's silence again, and Lu Han doesn't know what to say, but he can't bring himself to hang up.
"Look," Minseok finally says, "it's not going to suck any less if we drag this out. Just, take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will," Lu Han says. His voice sounds hollow. "You too."
"Who knows?" Minseok says. "Maybe we'll meet again someday." The lightness in his voice is forced, but Lu Han pretends not to notice.
"So let's not say goodbye," Lu Han says. "See you."
"See you." The line goes dead, and Lu Han is left holding his phone in silence.
He wants to do a lot of things, to scream or curse or cry or throw something, but he doesn't. He just sits there quietly with his phone in his hand, trying to memorize the sound of Minseok's voice so he'll never forget it.
When his manager comes back an hour later and finds Lu Han sitting on the couch, he takes one look at him and sighs his 'Why are you so troublesome?' sigh. "I told you no more contact," he says, with a resigned air that tells Lu Han he knew it would happen.
"I just had to say goodbye," Lu Han tells him. "I'm done now."
His manager fixes him with a long, measuring look before he says, "It's worth it. It'll be worth it."
"I hope so," is all Lu Han says.
His reputation survives the attempt at causing a scandal, and his rise continues and he is happy, usually, even if he's a little lonely. Five years later, when it doesn't really hurt anymore, he looks Minseok up online and finds a website for a small cafe, with a picture of a beaming Minseok with a woman and a baby. That does hurt a little, maybe, but he looks so happy, and Lu Han can't fault him for moving on.
For his part, Lu Han comes out at the age of forty to a surprisingly mild reaction mostly consisting of people saying, "Didn't we know that already?" It's amazing how much better he feels after that, like he's been lugging a weight around for more than half his life and suddenly it's been lifted from his shoulders. He even finds someone to settle down with, at the ripe old age of forty-two, and it's good, even though it took a long time. Then, maybe, he can finally let go.
4
There's a burst of gunfire, terrifyingly close, and Lu Han panics and pulls the trigger on his own gun, firing into the smoky dimness. He hears a faint cry and then a thump and runs forward to see an enemy soldier on the ground, blood spreading quickly on his chest where Lu Han's bullet hit him.
He stares in horror at the man. It's not the first time he's shot someone, but never up close. This man may be the enemy, but he doesn't look evil or dangerous. He looks very, very young, far too young to be involved in a war. (Lu Han is too young to be involved in a war too. Maybe no one is ever old enough for fire and fear and death and blood on their hands.) He looks scared and in pain, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest.
The blood is spreading fast; there's no way he's going to make it, even if help comes. He mumbles something in Korean, and when Lu Han looks at him blankly, he says in Mandarin, "Cold." His eyes are pleading, and so painfully young.
Lu Han is rooting around in his pack for his blanket so he doesn't see the moment the man's life leaves him, but he does see the way he looks after, eyes gone glassy and blank, and he stares at him, unable to tear his gaze away, until one of his own comrades chances by and pulls him away from the body.
Lu Han makes it out of the war alive, and lives for so long that he feels guilty about it. He remembers friends, comrades that he lost, but that image above everything else haunts him for the rest of his life.
5
His name is Brian Lu, unofficially after his family moves to California when he's four years old, and officially once he turns eighteen and is sick of saying "Please call me Brian" every time a teacher calls roll.
The couple next door has Korean names that his parents can't pronounce, but their son is named Alex and their daughter Sarah, with Korean middle names to distinguish them from all the other Alex and Sarah Kims out there. Alex is the same age as Brian, and they play together all the time, even though all Brian can say in English is "hello," "goodbye," and "No English." But he learns quickly, as only a young child can, and soon they're communicating without any trouble.
They go to the same elementary school and play together at recess, and Brian always feels good when he tells someone that Alex is his best friend. They play together after school too, out in the street or in the backyard when their parents yell at them, one set in Korean and the other in Mandarin. (Brian learns how to say "Come inside" and "Put on a sweatshirt" and "Did you do your homework?" in Korean, repeating them to Alex and making him laugh.)
They're inseparable, playing on the same youth soccer teams and taking piano lessons from the same teacher (and hiding away together to avoid practicing), doing their homework together and eating dinner at each other's houses at least once a week. They fight occasionally, over stupid little things, but they never last more than a day without making up.
As long as Alex is there, Brian never feels alone. He's shy, at first, not managing to make other friends, but he doesn't need anyone else. As they get older, they do make other friends, good friends, but nobody ever quite manages to penetrate the inner circle that's only them. No one else will ever be his best friend.
Brian kisses Alex for the first time when they're ten and neither of them understands what it means. "Why did you do that?" Alex asks, and Brian can only shrug.
"It's supposed to be nice, right?" he says. "Kissing."
"Aren't you supposed to kiss girls?" Alex asks, brows knitting in confusion.
"Probably," Brian agrees, but even though he's only ten, he already thinks he'd rather kiss Alex than any girl.
By the time they're fifteen, Brian has kissed three girls and he's quite sure that he'd rather kiss Alex than any of them. Alex has kissed two girls, and he's the one this time to lean in slowly and press his lips to Brian's. "Is it okay?" he asks in a low voice, shy, and Brian nods, eyes wide because it feels like a big thing, exciting and scary at the same time.
But it's good, and they keep kissing each other whenever they can catch a moment alone, shy pecks at first and more once they get brave. They never really talk about it, don't give their relationship or their feelings or their sexuality a name, but they both know, so there's no need.
Sarah catches them one night, not quite in the act but with suspiciously swollen lips and messy hair, but she just makes a face and says, "Not in front of me, please." She keeps their secret, and no one else finds out. It's a little lonely, maybe, when their friends talk about their crushes on girls and even find themselves girlfriends, but Brian is still never really lonely as long as he has Alex. His friends can talk about girls to their hearts' content; he already has the person he wants.
Brian gets worried when their senior year rolls around and the time comes for college applications. He's been with Alex since kindergarten. What will he do if they end up at different colleges? "Let's just worry about getting into good schools first," says Alex, whose parents are driving him crazy with pressure to get into a good university and find scholarships to pay for it. Brian's are just as bad, maybe even worse because he's their only child, but he still can't help thinking that he'd choose Alex over a good university any day.
After long months of stress, they both get into UCLA, and Brian is so happy that he picks Alex up and spins him around until he demands to be put down. Then he kisses him, and then he says, "I love you," and Alex's smile freezes on his face.
"You...really?" he asks, and Brian wishes he could take it back even though it's the truth.
"It's not a big deal," he says quickly. "Forget I said anything."
"No, I..." Alex starts, holding Brian's arms so he can't run away like he wants to. "I...me too. I love you too."
Brian smiles so wide his cheeks hurt, and then he kisses Alex again and thinks that this is the best day of his life.
In university, they end up in different majors and different dorms, but that doesn't stop them from spending most of their free time together. Brian's roommate is a devout Christian who makes him a little nervous for a lot of reasons and definitely wouldn't approve of their relationship, but Alex's is a walking stereotype of an art student who takes one look at the two of them sitting on Alex's bed, just talking, and asks, "Should I go have an extra-long dinner so you can have some time alone?" They both stare at him, a little panicked, but he laughs and says, "It's cool. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."
In time, they learn that college is different from high school, that there are a lot of people here who don't think it's weird that they don't want to pick up girls in parties, or anywhere else, because they're much happier with each other. Not everyone is like that, of course, but enough for them to get more comfortable.
Maybe they get a little too comfortable, because over winter break in their junior year, Alex's mom walks in on the two of them. They're not even doing anything, really, but Alex is leaning back on Brian's chest with their linked hands resting on his stomach and there's no way to pass it off as anything but what it is.
Alex's mom says something sharp in Korean. It's not one of her usual phrases so Brian doesn't understand it, but Alex flinches and sits up, pulling his hand away. His mom says something else and then he says, "You should go," voice low and tight, without turning around.
Brian doesn't want to go, but there's no room for argument in that tone, or in the glare Alex's mother is turning on him. She's always loved him until now (except for the one time he talked Alex into ditching school to play soccer). It hurts to see her looking at him like that, though not as much as it hurts that Alex won't look at him at all. "Okay," he says, and he feels like he should say sorry, but he's not, not one bit. He's only sorry that they got caught.
He locks himself in his room and tries not to think for three hours until his phone finally beeps with a text. He finds Alex on the playground of their old elementary school, sitting on one of the swings. Brian sits next to him, frowning at the way Alex still won't look at him even though they're alone. There's probably a question to be asked, but he's afraid to ask it, so he just sits and waits, trying to ignore the feeling of dread building in his stomach.
"We can't...do this anymore," Alex says. His voice still sounds flat, dead, and Brian wants to give him a hug, but that won't help now. "I'm sorry. I thought I didn't care what my parents thought, but I guess I do." He sighs heavily. "They've done so much for me and I can't disappoint them."
"You're not—" Brian starts, but what can he say? He's sure Alex's mother is disappointed in him, even if she shouldn't be, and his parents would probably feel the same if they knew. It's no small thing to defy the expectations of the parents who worked so hard to give them good lives.
"I'm really sorry," Alex says again. "I do..." He doesn't finish, but Brian knows what he means. "But some things are even more important, you know? I can't let them down." Another sigh. "We probably should've known that it would come to this, sooner or later. They were never going to accept us."
"You never know," Brian argues, but really, they do. Maybe in time, their parents will change their minds, but it's too much to ask for Alex to wait for that uncertain possibility.
"I do know. I'm sorry. I just can't do it."
Brian doesn't know what to say when it feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest, so he just says, "Oh."
"We can still be friends?" Alex says, half a question. "My mom won't like it, but I can't imagine not being friends with you."
It's going to hurt, he knows, being just friends after they've been and still want to be so much more, but if that's all he can get, he'll take it. He's been friends with Alex for too long to let a little thing like a broken heart get in the way. "Yeah," he says, and he tries to sound convincing but mostly just sounds hollow. "We can be friends."
They do stay friends, somehow, and three years later, Brian is the best man at Alex's wedding to a nice Hispanic girl, even though Alex awkwardly tells him that he doesn't have to do it. Alex's parents aren't thrilled with his choice, and a part of Brian smugly thinks, Serves you right, but mostly he just feels sad. He wants to hate the girl, but she really is nice, and smart and funny and clearly very fond of Alex, and besides, if he wants to keep his friend, he's stuck with her. So he swallows down his jealousy and smiles and tries to tell himself that this is for the best.
He finally gives in to his mother's nagging and gets married himself four years after that, to a Chinese girl from his almost-forgotten hometown. She's pretty and sweet and he does like her, and he thinks that maybe if he tries hard enough he'll be able to love her someday.
(He never quite manages it, even though he says he does. They're not unhappy, but he can't help thinking that maybe there's only ever been one person he could love.)
6
The first time Lu Han walks past the house (and the second and third and fourth), he has his headphones in with the volume turned up on his music so he doesn't hear the piano music coming from inside. The fifth time he's on the phone, focusing hard on carrying on a conversation in Korean, so he hears the music but doesn't pay attention.
The sixth time, finally, he notices, but he doesn't think much of it. He doesn't have anything against classical music or piano, but he's more interested in pop. If DBSK sings a song with piano in it, he'll enjoy it, but he rarely listens to piano on its own. He absently thinks that it sounds nice, because he likes music in general enough to appreciate that, but he continues on his way and quickly forgets about it.
He always walks past that house on his way to school, and usually at the same time, and eventually he notices, even with his headphones in, that there is, without fail, always the sound of piano music coming from inside when he's on his way to class. Curious, he pops one earbud out for as long as the piano is audible, day after day until he starts to recognize the handful of pieces the player is always practicing.
He finds himself wondering what the person playing is like. It's midmorning, so likely not a kid, but other than that, the possibilities are endless. He envisions a sophisticated woman a few years older than him, with short but perfectly-manicured nails and heels on so she can practice the same way she performs, or an older man with greying hair but strong arms. Someone dignified and well put together, sitting up straight on the piano bench and focusing on the music with sharp eyes.
And then one day as spring starts to warm up into summer, he sees a boy sitting on a bench in front of the silent house. He looks like a high school student, maybe even junior high, wearing what might be a school uniform, slacks and a white dress shirt. It should be a school day, but maybe there's a holiday Lu Han doesn't know about, or maybe he's skipping. It doesn't occur to him that this might be the mysterious piano player until he notices, belatedly, that there's no music coming from inside today.
He stops, surprised, because this is the first time in the weeks since he started paying attention that no one is playing. The boy notices after a moment and gives him a curious look, and Lu Han freezes awkwardly, wondering how to explain himself. "I, uh..." he starts. Maybe he'd be better off just continuing on his way without saying anything, but it's too late now. "I walk past here a lot," he explains. "There's always someone playing piano."
"Oh," says the boy, smiling a little, almost sheepish. "I slammed my fingers in a door yesterday and they kind of hurt, so I'm taking a break. But I should get back soon or my teacher will yell at me for not practicing enough."
"Oh, it's you?" Lu Han asks, realizing too late that it's probably not very polite to sound so surprised. It's just that this young boy is not the kind of person who he would expect to be playing so smoothly, or to be practicing so consistently every single day.
"What were you expecting?" Thankfully, the boy sounds more amused than anything else.
"I thought it would be an adult, at least," Lu Han says.
That gets a laugh. "I am an adult," the boy says, and Lu Han recognizes the resigned air of someone used to being thought of as younger than they are. "More or less, anyway. I'm twenty."
"Oh, the same age as me." He still can't see it, but there's no reason to think the boy (man?) is lying to him. "Sorry." Then, "You play really well." He's not sure why he says it because it's not like he knows enough to judge, but if this guy is getting him to listen to music he wouldn't otherwise, he can't be too bad.
"Thank you," the boy says. "I didn't think anyone was even listening." He flashes Lu Han a smile, a little crooked, but bright and genuine. "I should get back to work, and don't you have somewhere to be?"
Lu Han looks at his watch and winces. He'll have to hurry now. "Yeah. I'll see you."
"Maybe you will," the boy says lightly, waving him off, and it's not until Lu Han's turned the corner that he realizes he didn't even get his name.
The piano music is back the next time Lu Han passes, and he almost wants to stop and say hi, but he'd feel weird knocking on the door when they only talked once for a minute or two, so he continues on his way. It's like that for the rest of the week, and the following Monday, but on Tuesday, there's quiet again and the piano player is sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, soaking in the sun.
Lu Han stops and says, "Hello again."
The boy's eyes open and he squints a little against the light. "Hey," he says. "I was wondering if you'd be by before I had to go back inside."
"You were waiting for me?" Lu Han asks.
"Not waiting. Just taking a break and wondering if I might have any company." He seems a little amused at Lu Han's expense, so he doesn't mention how he's been leaving a little early for class so he'd have time to talk if the opportunity arose.
"Well, looks like you do," he says instead. "I'm Lu Han, by the way."
"Lu Han," the boy echoes. "Kim Minseok. Nice to meet you properly."
"Nice to meet you," Lu Han responds immediately, the formality drilled into him by hours of introductory Korean class.
It turns out that Minseok is a university student too, but his major is music performance, so he spends hours and hours at the piano instead of slogging through Korean literature or trying to remember the right ways to talk to people in Korean without insulting them. "University isn't really necessary to be a performer," Minseok explains, "but my parents insisted, and I guess it's good, even if I don't have much time for the fun parts."
Lu Han would be happy to talk longer, but class awaits, so he reluctantly says goodbye. Just before he leaves, Minseok says, "Hey, if you ever feel like it, you can knock on the door and say hi. I'm usually the only one home and I could use a little break."
"Okay, I will," Lu Han says, and grins at him without knowing why.
It starts to become a habit, leaving for class ten or fifteen minutes early and stopping by to talk to Minseok, and he has to laugh when he catches himself smiling at the sound of piano music over the speakers in a grocery store. He tells Minseok about it the next day, and he laughs too and says, "I'll make you a fan of real music yet."
(Lu Han doesn't take it too seriously because Minseok admitted the week before that he's a DBSK fan too, and if piano hadn't grabbed him so early in life, he might have wanted to be an idol like them.)
After a few weeks, Lu Han starts leaving earlier and watching Minseok play for ten or fifteen minutes before he takes a break. He's still not sure how much he cares about piano music, but he's fascinated by the sight of Minseok playing. There's an intensity to him, his eyes flitting between the music and his hands, strong arms and hands getting into the keys to draw out the fullest sound. His fingers dance over the keys, rarely landing wrong (or if they do, Lu Han doesn't notice unless he stops or makes a face).
"It's weird practicing with you watching," Minseok tells him. "Only my piano teacher does that, and he's a little scary. And my mom used to, but not since I was little."
"I won't if you don't want me to," Lu Han says quickly, but Minseok shakes his head.
"I don't mind, if you want to do it. It's kind of nice, having an audience."
So he keeps watching and then chatting with Minseok after. He learns the names of the pieces Minseok is working on, and interesting details about them. He learns that Minseok started playing at age four, almost quit at age fourteen, and then decided that he really did want to do this with his life. And he tells Minseok about his studies and his friends and how he ended up in Seoul. They never talk for more than fifteen or twenty minutes at a time, but it adds up after a while, and it feels like he and Minseok have known each other for much longer than they really have.
Part 2
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Date: 2014-05-28 03:09 am (UTC)