Try To Remember (2/7)
Dec. 20th, 2013 10:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepoxSome two months after their first meeting, Lu Han knocks on the door like he always does, but no one answers. There's no sound of piano playing from inside, and no sign of Minseok on the bench out front. He knocks again, louder, but still nothing, and he frowns. He was just here yesterday; surely Minseok would've mentioned if he wasn't going to be home the next morning.
He doesn't have Minseok's phone number or e-mail or anything, since he's always just been able to find him here, so there's nothing he can do. He waits around for a few minutes until he starts worrying that he looks creepy waiting in front of the house, at which point he gives up and heads to class early.
He stops for coffee, but he's still fifteen minutes early, and Yixing looks at him in surprise as he sits down. "Here already? You always come in at the last second lately. Did piano boy kick you out?"
"He wasn't there," Lu Han says. "I knocked a few times but he didn't answer."
"Don't look so sad," Yixing says, nudging him with his shoulder. "I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow."
Lu Han tries not to worry and mostly succeeds since class and then homework and then friends demand his attention, but he's still extremely relieved the next day when he can hear the sound of the piano as he approaches Minseok's house. He knocks on the door and Minseok opens it right away.
"Hey," he says, stepping back to let Lu Han in. "Sorry about yesterday. Something came up and then I realized I didn't know how to get in touch with you. You should probably give me your number so that won't happen again."
They exchange numbers, but it's not necessary since Minseok is there every day. Lu Han becomes so used to the routine that he doesn't quite know what to do with himself when classes end. "You can still come over, if you want," Minseok says, "but I won't be offended if you need to study instead."
In the end, Lu Han brings his books over and studies on the couch while Minseok practices. Maybe it should be awkward because he's never been here for more than forty-five minutes and never gone out of his way to come over, but it feels comfortable, letting the music wash over him as he drills Korean verbs and taking breaks when his head feels too full or Minseok needs to rest his hands.
He stays for nearly four hours before Minseok says, "I hate to kick you out, but I have a lesson soon, and I know my teacher won't like you hanging around."
Lu Han leaves with a promise to come back the next day, but he wakes up to a text saying, Sorry, I've got some stuff to take care of today and tomorrow. Maybe Thursday if you have time.
But Lu Han has his exams, and then a month back in Beijing. He and Minseok exchange e-mails, but it's not the same without the now-familiar sound of Minseok's grand piano, or without his bright smile and those too-flattering dress shirts that he seems to live in, which recently have been rolled up to reveal more of his arms, and oh, Lu Han suddenly realizes, maybe he should've read more into his fascination with watching Minseok play than he has until now.
It doesn't shock him, really. It feels almost like a natural progression, like why wouldn't he be in love with Minseok? (Love? But even with that word attached, it's not a shock.) He's been so interested in him, drawn to him in a way he isn't to his other friends. And besides, he thinks Minseok is pretty amazing; who wouldn't fall for him? He doesn't know what to do with this revelation yet, but it's not hard to accept it.
Minseok looks tired when Lu Han sees him for the first time after he comes back from Beijing. "I have a big recital next month," he says, and he looks excited despite the dark circles under his eyes.
Lu Han is excited too at the prospect of seeing Minseok perform for the first time. If he's this mesmerizing when he's just practicing, what will he be like when he's really serious? Besides, Minseok's enthusiasm is contagious and Lu Han can't help getting caught up in it.
Minseok is visibly nervous too, practicing with increased fervor. "I've been preparing for this for so long," he says. "I have to do my best."
Lu Han thinks he sounds perfect already, but what does he know? He sticks to saying encouraging things when Minseok takes a break and keeping quiet the rest of the time. He spends a lot of that time thinking about what he figured out while he was away and wondering what to do about it. He does want to tell Minseok, but now doesn't seem to be the time to distract him. After the recital, he thinks. That'll be the time to make his confession.
School hasn't started up again yet, so he has nowhere else to be, and he hangs around for four hours that day and three the next, until Minseok says, "I need to work on some problem sections, so you should probably go or you'll get really sick of me playing the same parts over and over again."
Lu Han doesn't really mind, but Minseok looks even more tired today and he can't miss the hint. "Okay," he says. "I've got lots of free time this week, so just text me when you want company." That seems better, so he doesn't worry that he's annoying Minseok.
"Of course," Minseok says, and even if he's trying to get rid of Lu Han now, he seems to mean it. "I'll see you soon."
Lu Han is fully expecting to hear from Minseok the next day, but he doesn't, or the next. He sends a text of his own, a noncommittal Keep working hard! I can't wait to see your recital!, but gets no reply, not even a token emoticon. It's not like Minseok, however busy he is, to ignore his messages, and Lu Han finds himself worrying even though it's only been a short time.
He doesn't usually go to Minseok's house on the weekends, but he sends a few more texts, some silly things about his day that don't really require replies, and finally, on Sunday night, Where are you? Is everything okay?
His phone stays dark until he goes to bed, and there are no texts or missed calls in the morning. Lu Han frowns at his phone like it's at fault for Minseok's lack of response. He waits until mid-morning, the time when he'd usually go see Minseok, and then tries to call, but the phone goes right to voicemail, like it's not even on. "Hi," he says uncertainly. "Sorry to pester you, but it makes me worried that I haven't heard from you at all. Are you okay?"
When that still gets no response, he decides to go by Minseok's house in the afternoon. He can't hear the piano, and no one answers the door when he knocks. I'm standing creepily outside your house, he texts Minseok along with a winking emoticon. Where are you? But that goes unanswered too, and after fifteen minutes he gives up and goes home.
He comes back the next day, against his better judgment, and the house is still silent, but when Lu Han knocks on the door, it opens. He has only a second to feel relieved before he sees that it's not Minseok at the door but an older woman who looks enough like him that she must be his mother. "Hello," she says politely. "Can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Minseok," Lu Han says. He doesn't know how to explain himself. 'I come watch him practice when no one else is home?' "My name is Lu Han. I tried to call but he didn't answer and I was in the neighborhood..."
"Lu Han, was it? I saw your name on his phone. I'm sorry, I meant to..." She trails off, and Lu Han notices now that her eyes are red, and dread sinks into his stomach.
"Is he okay?" Lu Han blurts out, even though it's probably not a tactful thing to say.
"I'm sorry," Minseok's mother says, not meeting his eyes, "but Minseok died yesterday."
"Died?" Lu Han chokes on the word. He saw Minseok only a few days ago, and he looked tired like he has been recently, but not seriously ill, not like someone in imminent danger of dying. How can he be dead?
"I suppose he didn't tell you," Minseok's mother continues, her voice flat. "He didn't like anyone to know, but he was very sick. We knew it was only a matter of time, but we had hoped he'd at least be able to make it to his recital..."
The recital. Wasn't it only a few days ago that Lu Han was eagerly anticipating watching Minseok perform for the first time, and also anticipating, despite his worries, telling Minseok about his feelings? Now none of that will ever happen. He'll never be able to see Minseok on stage, never be able to see how brightly he'd smile afterwards, never be able to tell him how amazing he is in Lu Han's eyes and find out how he would respond. He'll never know how Minseok felt about him.
"His condition worsened very suddenly and he had to be taken to the hospital, which is why he wasn't able to contact you." Minseok's mother is still talking, and Lu Han only half hears her. "It's...at least he's not suffering anymore."
Lu Han goes home in a daze, unable to process the reality of the situation. He didn't even know Minseok was sick, and now he's dead and gone. Of course they hadn't known each other for so long, but he thought they were close, and yet Minseok was keeping this big secret from him, and suffering right under Lu Han's nose without him noticing. What kind of friend is he? What kind of person, to fall in love with Minseok's smile and the way his fingers curved over the piano keys without realizing that he was fading away?
Three weeks later, a padded envelope arrives in Lu Han's mailbox. He doesn't recognize the return address, and with a last name like Kim it could be anyone, but his mind immediately jumps to one particular possibility. He rips it open and finds a letter and a CD case. Sure enough, the letter is from Minseok's mother.
We found this while going through Minseok's things. It was together with letters for me, his father, and his piano teacher that he meant to hand out after his recital, so he must have been meaning to give this to you then.
He takes out the CD with unsteady hands and hurriedly puts it into his laptop. There are four tracks, the three movements of Lu Han's favorite of Minseok's recital pieces, and one unlabeled. He pushes play, and tears well up in his eyes the second he hears the familiar notes of the opening. They don't quite spill over, but he closes his eyes as he lets them music wash over him like he did so many times before.
The piece is 20 minutes long and he listens all the way through, sitting unmoving on his bed. He's forgotten about the last track by the time it ends, so he jumps when he hears Minseok's soft voice.
"I hope you enjoyed that," he says. "I don't know when I might not be able to play for you anymore, so I wanted you to have this so you could hear me anytime. I'm so full of myself, huh, thinking that you'd miss my playing that much? But I'd like to think you would. I'd like to think you'd miss me too.
"Thank you for stopping in front of my house that day, and thank you for talking to me. You don't know how much of a difference it's made to me, having you around the last few months.
"I wouldn't be brave enough to say this to your face, but since it's just me and the recorder, I guess it's okay: I love you. Silly, isn't it? We haven't known each other that long, but I do. Maybe you know that already, but you are really oblivious sometimes. I could be wrong, but I think maybe you love me back, and I'm thankful for that too, even if it'll never be anything.
"Be happy. Don't forget about me. And don't stop listening to real music just because I'm not around to make you, okay?"
Lu Han laughs at the last sentence, but it's through his tears and sounds a lot like a sob. "You idiot," he says, rubbing angrily at his eyes. "How could I forget you?"
Blinking away his tears, he selects the first track again and pushes play.
7
Lu Han and his friends go to a club, but Yixing gets carried away and is so falling-down drunk after an hour that Lu Han volunteers to take him home. With a giggling Yixing leaning heavily against his side, stumbling with every step, he doesn't even glance at the group of Korean guys who walk past him into the club.
8
It's a great honor to be chosen for the first Earth-wide colonial expedition to the planet currently designated X-361A. It's an honor not everyone wants—space technology has exploded so much in the last 50 years after the discovery of a habitable planet within potential reach of Earth that many people are still reeling and don't trust it to be safe—but Lu Han is excited.
He doesn't really understand why he's been chosen when his only qualifications are being young and healthy and being able to speak two languages (Mandarin and Korean) well and a third (English) with questionable fluency. He can't help wondering if someone made a mistake, but he's not about to refuse the offer of a lifetime. Adventure like this isn't for everyone, but he'd like to think that it is for him.
The preparation is intense. He has to undergo the most thorough physical he's ever had, along with psychological testing to make sure he's not likely to snap or secretly a sociopath. There's also training, from how to deal with decreased gravity to first aid to how to fly a spaceship, just in case. He studies English and technical manuals and meditation techniques until it feels like his head might burst from all the information he's cramming into it, but he's excited enough that he doesn't care.
He meets Minseok during an evacuation drill the first day they're allowed on the ship. He gets completely turned around and ends up in the galley, where he finds an equally lost Minseok. "Do you know where Airlock Two is?" he asks. Mandarin gets no response and English a furrowed brow that usually means "I should understand that but I don't," but when he asks in Korean, the other man makes a face.
"No," Minseok says, grimacing. "I'm so confused."
They laugh and try to find their way together, but they're still lost when the bell goes off to tell them that the drill is over and anyone still on the ship is dead.
"This better not be foreshadowing," Minseok says, slumping against the wall in defeat.
"Think of it this way," Lu Han says. "Now we know we need to memorize those ship schematics because apparently we suck at finding our way around. If there's ever a real emergency, we'll be the most prepared people on the ship."
"Good point," Minseok says, grinning. "Though really, if we have to evacuate into those escape pods somewhere out in space, we're probably pretty much screwed anyway."
"Thanks, I really needed to hear that." Lu Han punches him in the arm the way he would one of his friends before he remembers that they don't even know each other, but Minseok just laughs and scoots a safer distance away from him.
"Sorry," he says, not sounding sorry at all. "I'm Kim Minseok, by the way. I'm really glad you speak Korean. I wrote on my application that I know Mandarin and English and some Japanese but really I suck at anything but Korean."
"Lu Han. I'm supposed to know English too, so maybe in between memorizing schematics, we can study together."
"I'd like that," Minseok says, smiling.
It turns out that Minseok is a computer specialist, though he insists that he's at the lowest rung of the ladder and more of a glorified mechanic than anything else. "I don't know who screwed up picking my name out of the hat, but I'm not going to tell them if they don't notice."
In the few remaining weeks before launch, they become fast friends, studying together and fighting nervousness with laughter. Lu Han is extremely relieved and happy to have made a friend; they have a long trip ahead of them, and being surrounded by strangers sounds very lonely. He's likely to make other friends too, in time, but somehow he doubts there will be many like Minseok, who he already feels like he's known for years.
Everything is a whirlwind the last two weeks, trying to fit in all the last-minute preparation in between spending time with his family and friends he may very well never see again. Though he's been making light of it, there's a very real chance that Lu Han won't survive the trip, and even if he does, he might end up spending the rest of his life on a planet uncountable miles away from his family and friends. He has to enjoy what time he has left here on Earth.
All too soon, the final days approach, and Lu Han and the rest of the expedition establish themselves on the two ships. Miraculously (or possibly because of their similar ages and nearby countries of origin), he and Minseok are only three rooms apart. Lu Han's roommate is Canadian by way of China and says to call him Kris (and unlike Lu Han, he actually does speak English, albeit perpetually mumbled), while Minseok's roommate is a Chinese boy named Zitao who looks dangerously tough but keeps randomly bursting into tears at the thought of leaving his parents behind.
"I feel like I should ask him if he's really sure he wants to go, but he looks like he could rip my head off if I offend him," Minseok says as they hide out in a quiet corner of the mess hall two days before lift off. "I'm almost positive he wouldn't hurt a fly, but I don't want to find out the hard way that I'm wrong."
"He's had plenty of time to decide if he wants to go or not," Lu Han points out. "It's not your problem if he hasn't figured out how to deal with it."
"It is if he keeps crying in our room all the time," Minseok says dryly. "He looks so pathetic I don't know what to do. And I can barely even talk to him since we suck at each other's languages."
"Well, he's got two more days to back out," Lu Han says. "Otherwise you better hope there's a limit to his crying."
Minseok grimaces at the thought, but when launch time does roll around, Lu Han finds him sitting next to Zitao. Zitao looks tense and a little like a kicked puppy dog, but then Minseok puts a comforting hand over his and he relaxes a little.
Lu Han takes the seat on the other side of Minseok, and it's like that that they experience their launch into space. It's loud and shaky and pretty scary and Lu Han kind of wishes someone would hold his hand too, but then they're through the atmosphere with Earth spread out on the viewing window before them and that's amazing enough to make Lu Han forgot all his fear and sadness.
"Wow," he hears Zitao say.
"We're really out in space." Minseok's voice is soft, disbelieving. "We're really going."
And Lu Han just stares in silence, marveling at the incredible leap his life has taken.
Once the initial excitement of being in space and on their way to a completely different planet wears off, life is surprisingly mundane. They all have tasks to do, including basic chores to do with food and cleaning and things like cataloguing and maintenance. Minseok spends a lot of time monitoring the computers, but Lu Han doesn't have those kinds of technical skills, so he gets stuck with more manual labor like working in the laundry or the hydroponics lab.
"It sounds so glamorous, going on a colonizing mission to outer space," he whines to Minseok and Kris one evening, "and then I get here and what am I doing? Laundry."
"That's what you get for not having any other skills to get you out of laundry duty," Kris tells him with an annoyingly-smug grin. He doesn't have any technical skills either, but he's escaped laundry and gardening duty because he's busy teaching in the Language Learning Center for those who don't have the language skills to communicate with the rest of the crew.
"Shut up," Lu Han grumbles. "If the people in charge knew the only language you speak fluently is mumble, you'd be right there in the laundry with me."
They make a few other friends as the weeks pass and they settle in, mostly around their age. Junmyeon is a Korean doctor (inexperienced and trained as a pediatrician, he admits, but he wanted so badly to go and he managed to get a junior position in the medical crew), and Chanyeol, despite his goofy appearance, is a member of the chemical research team. Jongin is a mechanic (and not a glorified one like Minseok; he's there for down-and-dirty repairs), while his roommate Sehun is there because his family was one of the few chosen to come all together.
It's a little overwhelming, seeing the same people all the time and never being able to get away, plus the strangeness of life on a ship and days defined only by the rise and fall of the artificial lighting levels. Sometimes Lu Han feels absolutely desperate for blue sky and fresh air and grass under his feet, but the best he can do is go to the movie room and watch a nature documentary. (Zitao points out, reasonably enough, that Beijing is hardly known for its perpetually blue skies. Lu Han responds, also reasonably, he thinks, by kicking him in the shin.)
Lu Han doesn't mind so much having people around all the time, but Minseok does sometimes, eventually getting so snippy over dinner one night that Lu Han says, "Come with me," and drags him out of the mess hall.
He pulls an annoyed Minseok down two floors to a hallway he's discovered by the laundry. It dead ends in a storage closet, and right beside that closet is a small alcove with a viewing window and a bench just big enough for two or three people. He pushes Minseok down onto the bench and sits next to him. "Now breathe," he says. "And calm down."
"I am calm," Minseok grumbles, but he looks out the window at the stars and visibly relaxes.
They sit in silence for a few minutes until Minseok says, without turning around, "Thanks. I guess I did need that. The company around here is good, but sometimes I just need some alone time, you know?"
"Do you want me to go?" Lu Han asks, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable. He's been told before that he can't take a hint when someone wants to be left alone.
Now Minseok turns and gives him a smile. "No, it's okay. For some reason I don't mind the company if it's just you."
So they sit there in silence for fifteen minutes until an announcement calls them to an after-dinner meeting, Minseok leaning just a little into Lu Han's side, and watch the stars together, and Lu Han doesn't know why since he usually has no patience for silence, but he feels very relaxed and happy.
About a month into their voyage ("Only forty-seven months to go!" Chanyeol says cheerfully), the topic of relationships first comes up. Jongin has developed a painfully obvious crush on a female mechanic a few years older than him, and Lu Han and the others find it hilarious to watch him make a fool of himself around her.
"I wonder if there'll be a lot of people hooking up along the way," Junmyeon says thoughtfully. "Four years is a long time to be alone, especially when we don't have that much to occupy ourselves with."
"There's not much of a selection, " Kris comments, "but maybe we'll get desperate after a while."
"Are you saying you don't want to sleep with any of us?" Chanyeol teases, and Kris' face when he does a doubletake at that is priceless.
He recovers quickly, though, and says, "I don't swing that way, so I hate to disappoint you, but if you were hoping for a chance down the line, you'll have to let it go." Chanyeol laughs the loudest at that.
Later, as Lu Han walks Minseok to work since his shift doesn't start until later, he says, "My mom asked me when I told her I'd been selected if I wasn't worried that I might never find a girl to marry if I left. I mean, first she asked a lot of other stuff like how dangerous it was, but eventually she got to that. I didn't even think about it, until she asked."
"Not in a hurry to get married?" Minseok asks.
"No, not really," Lu Han says truthfully. It is something he's thought about, but he's also thought about how maybe he'd prefer to marry a man if he could, which means at this point that he'd prefer not to marry. He's thought about a lot of things, and he's quite content to not think about them now when he's got bigger things to worry about.
"Me neither." There's something about the way he says it that makes Lu Han look over at Minseok, who is looking at back at him with a deliberately casual expression.
"What?" he asks.
Minseok just flashes him a wry-looking smile and says, "Nothing." Before Lu Han can pester him, a flustered-looking tech swoops in to ask Minseok a question, and all Lu Han can do is wave goodbye as he's pulled away.
He forgets about that conversation by the end of the day, but a few weeks later as they're getting into bed, Kris asks, "Did you have anyone back home, before you left?"
"You mean like a girlfriend?" It seems like an out of the blue question, though they did tease Jongin about his "girlfriend" (who still won't give him the time of day) at dinner.
"Yeah," Kris says. "Or whatever." He says it so casually that Lu Han's not sure what it's supposed to mean, but when he looks up, Kris gives him a significant sort of half smile.
"No," Lu Han says. "Nobody. Why do you ask?"
"I did," Kris admits. "A girlfriend. We'd only been dating for six months when I was chosen, but she asked me not to go. I went anyway."
"Huh." Lu Han doesn't know what to say with that; he's never been good with this kind of thing.
"It's fine," Kris says quickly. "I'm not saying it so you'll feel sorry for me or anything. I just wanted someone to know, I guess." He shrugs. "We all probably chose this chance over relationships, right? Except people who came as couples. So it's not a priority, but I wonder if some of us will find someone on the way."
"With more success than Jongin, maybe," Lu Han says with a laugh.
Kris smiles too, and then he asks, "What about you?"
"Me?" Lu Han asks, confused.
"Anyone caught your eye yet?"
Lu Han thinks about the way Jongin is with his crush, and about the girls and occasionally guys he dated back home, and then suddenly he thinks about Minseok and realizes that maybe he does know what Kris is getting at.
Something in his expression makes Kris laugh. "I knew it," he says. Then, teasingly, "Did you?"
"I've been known to be an idiot about liking people," Lu Han says sheepishly. "Especially male people."
"You should go for it," Kris says, still looking amused. "Your chances are a hell of a lot better than Jongin's."
"Jongin's hot," Lu Han retorts. "I bet it's only a matter of time before either he gets who he wants or someone else snaps him up."
"Yeah, well, you're hot too," Kris says. Lu Han raises his eyebrows at him and Kris rolls his eyes. "I mean that in a totally platonic and not gay way. I really don't swing that way at all."
"And what makes you think Minseok does?" Lu Han asks, reasonably enough. "If he doesn't and I make things awkward between us, we're never going to be able to avoid each other. And I don't want to avoid him."
"I'm not an expert," Kris says, "but I have a feeling he does." Then he grins a little and adds, "At least for you. You could give it a try."
In spite of Kris' prodding, Lu Han doesn't do anything except be more aware of his feelings. Now that he's thinking about it, he realizes that okay, maybe the way he wants to be around Minseok all the time, more than any of his other friends, means something more than that they're best friends (or at least the best friends either of them has here). Maybe he pays attention to Minseok's moods and shows him his favorite parts of the ship that he doesn't show anyone else because Minseok is special to him.
And he doesn't want to ask, but he can't help but wonder how much he can read into Minseok's behavior. Is the way he doesn't mind being around Lu Han even when he wants to get away from everyone else a sign that they're more than just friends? Does the way he sometimes leans against Lu Han or grabs his hand or occasionally hits him mean anything or is it no different from how he interacts with his other friends? It's so hard to judge, because even though they're friends, he hasn't known Minseok for long at all, and maybe they're all a little overly clingy these days.
More time passes and Lu Han gets used to it, being close to Minseok but not too close. He convinces himself that he's happy like this, having a best friend at a time when he really needs one, and that he doesn't need anything more. He is happy, mostly, and Minseok seems happy too, and that's all that really matters.
The day they hit the six month mark of their voyage, there's a big party scheduled at dinner. The morning starts like any ordinary day except that Lu Han wakes up a little early so he can finish his laundry shift in time for the party. He stumbles sleepily over to Minseok and Zitao's room since Minseok is usually up early and willing to eat breakfast together.
He doesn't want to wake Zitao (who is much less of an early riser) up with the bell, so he punches in the code to open the door. The lights are on the dim early morning setting, which is enough for him to see that only one of the beds is occupied. It's Minseok's bed, and it's currently occupied by both Minseok and Zitao, covered by a blanket but obviously lying very close together.
Lu Han takes an immediate step back, but then Minseok's eyes open and he looks up at him. "Hey, um..." He makes an embarrassed face.
"Sorry, I'll go," Lu Han says, managing another step back.
"No, wait a second!" Minseok tries to get up, but Zitao appears to have a tight grip on him.
His voice is loud enough to wake Zitao, who blinks sleepily. "What's going on?" he asks in Mandarin.
"Forget it," Lu Han says quickly. "I'll, uh, see you guys later."
He hears Zitao asking his question again in Korean and Minseok muttering something, sounding annoyed, but then he closes the door behind him and hurries off to the mess hall.
He eats quickly and goes down to the laundry, which unfortunately does nothing to distract him from thinking about what he saw. He doesn't want to read too much into it, but it's hard not to read anything into two guys in bed together. They're a touchy bunch, but there's being touchy and then there's sleeping in the same bed that isn't big enough for two people to sleep in unless they're very close together. And he knows Zitao is very fond of Minseok and Minseok indulges him even as he rolls his eyes, so who's to say it couldn't have turned into something more?
Lu Han almost wants to skip the party, but he'd be an idiot to pass up a better-than-usual spread of food and a decent selection of alcohol. Besides, he's been looking forward to this all week. He's not going to spend it moping in his room just because his crush slept with someone else last night (literally and also possibly in the euphemistic sense).
He arrives at dinner determined to forget everything else, but as soon as he approaches the table his friends have staked out, Zitao jumps up and says, "I need to talk to you." He grabs Lu Han's arm, and he's not rough, but he's strong enough to easily drag Lu Han back outside and into a secluded corner.
"What are you doing?" Lu Han snaps, more sharply than Zitao deserves, and he feels bad at the hurt on his face.
"Don't be mad at me," Zitao says. He's wearing his puppy dog face and even though Lu Han wants to be mad at him, he can't. "And don't be mad at Minseok-hyung. It's not what you're thinking."
"It's not?" The part of Lu Han that isn't being a drama queen about this knows that, because it was obvious that Minseok was trying to explain something that morning, but everyone deserves the right to be a drama queen every once in a while, he thinks, especially after they walk in on the guy they like in bed with someone else.
"I was homesick," Zitao explains. "Thinking about how we've been away for six whole months and there's so much longer to go. I was crying and Minseok-hyung felt sorry for me so he let me get in his bed. We talked until I felt better and then I guess I fell asleep."
"Oh," Lu Han says. That's a relief, and also kind of embarrassing because it means he's been a drama queen for absolutely no reason.
"That's all that happened," Zitao continues. He's so earnest Lu Han couldn't possibly be annoyed with him. "That's all that would ever happen. He's like my big brother who takes care of me and I'm sure I'm just an annoying little brother to him."
"Oh," Lu Han repeats, feeling more embarrassed by the second.
"I kind of thought you guys were already—" Zitao starts, but then he breaks off, and Lu Han realizes why a second later when someone comes up behind him and he turns to come face to face with Minseok. "Hi," Zitao says, switching to Korean. "I'll see you guys inside." He disappears immediately, leaving Lu Han alone with Minseok.
"I guess he explained?" Minseok asks.
"Yeah," Lu Han says sheepishly, studying the floor.
"You're such an idiot," Minseok says, but he sounds more fond than annoyed. "You could've waited two seconds this morning to let me tell you what happened instead of running away and probably thinking about it all day."
"Sorry," Lu Han tells the floor.
"Forget about it," Minseok says. "But what's the big deal? Does me sleeping with Tao freak you out that much? If we were really sleeping together, I mean."
"No, it's not...I was just...surprised." He doesn't think he's fooling anyone, but if he's managed to keep his feelings a secret from Minseok for this long, maybe it's possible.
"Or jealous?" Minseok asks, and Lu Han's head snaps up, eyes going wide with shock; so much for that idea. Minseok laughs. "You should see your face."
Lu Han punches him in the shoulder because it's easier than figuring out what to say now. Minseok gives him a light shove in response before he says, "If you're jealous, you're even more of an idiot than I thought. Like there was ever any question that you're the most special to me."
Now Lu Han stares at him. He's afraid to take that as more than it is, but it sure sounds like a confession. "You mean...?"
Minseok looks back at him for a long time before finally letting out an exasperated sigh and moving forward to kiss Lu Han. It's just a peck, long enough to make his intentions entirely clear but not to attract any attention. "That's what I mean," Minseok says. "Now can we go inside? I'm starving and it'll be no fun if everyone's already drunk by the time we get there."
When Lu Han doesn't react, Minseok grabs his hand and drags him back to the mess hall, where they take the last two seats at the table. "Dragged out by Tao and back in by Minseok-hyung," Sehun says dryly. "Interesting night you're having."
Lu Han kicks him under the table because that's what he does, but he doesn't care. There's good food and drink (at least compared to what they've been having for the last six months) and Minseok is smiling and sitting close enough that their legs brush under the table. Their friends are smiling and laughing too, not caring even though they must have some idea what's going on, and all in all, life is good.
By the time the party winds down, Lu Han and Minseok are both quite drunk. All their friends are, but the youngest three are by far the worst, and Junmyeon offers to escort all three of them back to Jongin and Sehun's room. Lu Han's confused by that in his drunken state, but then Junmyeon flashes him and Minseok a significant look and he thinks, Oh, right. Then he thinks, Oh, shit, because if he's left alone with Minseok tonight, he has no idea how far things will go.
Kris and Chanyeol walk back with them, but then they drop Chanyeol off in his room. When they reach the door of Kris and Lu Han's room, Minseok very pointedly takes hold of Lu Han's hand and says, "Goodnight, Kris."
"Goodnight," is all Kris says before disappearing into the room.
"Come on," Minseok says once the door closes. It's almost a question, so Lu Han answers by starting to walk toward Minseok's room.
The door is barely closed before Minseok is kissing him, which gives Lu Han a pretty good idea of where this is going to go. He's not going to complain; it's been a good deal more than six months since he's kissed anyone at all, and kissing Minseok is particularly appealing. Maybe it's moving kind of fast, but he's been nursing these feelings for a while now. He's ready for it.
Minseok pulls back for a moment, after a while, just enough to look Lu Han in the eye. "Do we need to talk about this?" he asks, a tiny bit breathless. His eyes are dark and Lu Han gets lost in them.
"We can talk later," he says, and leans in to kiss Minseok again.
Lu Han wakes up the next morning in much the same position as he found Zitao in the day before, except that he and Minseok are both naked under the blanket. He's got something of a hangover, but not too bad, all things considered. He opens his eyes and brings up a hand to rub at them, and when he moves his hand away, he finds Minseok looking at him.
"Morning," he says with a small smile. "I was wondering when you'd wake up.
"Morning," Lu Han echoes. He's not awake enough to feel self-conscious, even if he's clinging to Minseok almost as much as Zitao was. He lets go slowly, hand skating down Minseok's side, and makes no move to get up.
"That was some party, huh?" Minseok says dryly, and Lu Han laughs, but not too much because his head isn't ready for that. "I can't believe you didn't realize I liked you. And that you thought I was sleeping with Tao."
"So I'm an idiot," Lu Han says, sheepish but not too bothered at this point. "And you were lying in bed together first thing in the morning, which isn't something I usually do with my friends, personally."
"I'm surprised, considering how clingy you get." Lu Han pokes Minseok in the stomach as revenge for that, but he just grins. Then, after a moment, he asks, "Is it talking time now?"
Lu Han shrugs, as much as he can while lying down. "Do we have to talk?"
"We probably should. We're going to be stuck on the same ship for a long time and we don't want to make things awkward."
"What is there to talk about?" Lu Han's aware that he sounds whiny, but he's not a big fan of talking about things.
"Oh, I don't know. If we're going to be having sex again. What sort of feelings we have about each other. Creative ways to get Tao and Kris out of our rooms if we want to have more sex."
Lu Han laughs, probably harder than that really deserves, but that's the way he is. "Yes," he says. "To the sex. And it seems like everyone else knows how I feel better than I do."
Now it's Minseok's turn to laugh. "That's true." He presses a kiss to Lu Han's nose and then flashes him a smile that's cuter than it has any right to be. "And I already told you that you're special to me, so I guess that just leaves how to get time alone."
"I can be persuasive," Lu Han says, vaguely threatening, and Minseok laughs almost as hard as Lu Han did before.
In spite of their failure to discuss things properly, things go well. Their friends all seems amused by but supportive of their relationship, and it's easy enough to get time alone either by asking nicely or by starting to make out until Kris or Tao flees the room. (Lu Han prefers the second method; Minseok tells him he's a terrible person as he laughs.) They get to know each other better, become closer, and Lu Han's feelings for Minseok grow.
And time passes, slowly but steadily. There are some exciting (read: terrifying) days, like the time they pass through an asteroid field and take a few scary but not-too-damaging hits, or the time one of the engines breaks down and anyone remotely qualified to help fix it, including Minseok, works round the clock for almost two days to repair it. But against all odds, perhaps, they continue on their way.
Sometimes Lu Han hates it, gets stir crazy and desperate to feel grass under his feet or sun on his face and to go somewhere different and see different people. They all do, some people even to the point of cracking up and needing to be isolated for a while until they can calm down. But other days he laughs with his friends in the mess hall until his stomach hurts, or he sits with Minseok and looks at the stars, and he thinks that his life is really pretty amazing.
And then somehow, at last, just shy of their four-year estimated transit time, they arrive at their destination. It's hard to believe; they've been traveling for so long that Lu Han almost forgot that wasn't the goal. It's scary too, because they've all gotten used to life on the ship, but now they'll be facing entirely new challenges and in all likelihood significant risks. They all knew when they signed on that there was a very real possibility they'd die a long, long way from home, but it feels very different now that that possibility is staring them right in the face in the form of the planet just outside their windows.
The night before they land, Lu Han lies in bed with Minseok. (Zitao has long since moved in with Kris to allow Lu Han to share with Minseok.) "What do you think it'll be like?" he asks.
"You've seen the data and the pictures," Minseok points out. He seems distracted, absently tracing patterns on Lu Han's back.
"I know, but those are from machines. Who knows what it'll be like for real people?"
"Yeah." Minseok's hand stills, and then he presses it flat against Lu Han's back. "I'm..." he starts, and then changes his mind. "Are you scared?"
Lu Han takes his time, considering the question. He is, honestly, but it's hard to admit. "A lot of people were scared about the trip here," he says. "Before we left, so many people said we'd never make it, and I thought they might be right, but they weren't. So let's hope the people who said we'd die on the planet if we survived the trip were wrong too."
"So optimistic," Minseok says, chuckling.
Lu Han turns on his side to kiss him. "There's no way to know what'll happen," he says. "But I'm glad I came." Another kiss. "I love you."
Minseok smiles, small at first and then widening. "I love you too," he says. "I'm glad too."
The next morning, on their way down to the planet, Lu Han takes Minseok's hand, and he doesn't let go even after they safely land.
Establishing a colony on the planet is hard, and some people do die, too many, but Lu Han and Minseok and all their friends defy the odds and make it through. For two years, they work hard to carve out a life on an unfamiliar planet, and as difficult as it is, Lu Han is really happy there.
When they celebrate the second anniversary of their arrival, the leaders make a big announcement. One of their ships will be heading back to Earth to report on their progress and, if all goes according to plan, return with more settlers. It's the goal they've been working toward and it's exciting, but Lu Han is nervous too. It's another big change, and there's no telling what the aftermath will bring. He wants to stay and he's made his intentions of that clear, as has Minseok, but not all their friends feel the same, and he doesn't know how life here will be with a good portion of the population gone.
A week after the announcement, Minseok comes back from an on-ship maintenance job with a frown on his face. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks immediately, and his frown only deepens. Lu Han gives him a kiss, but that doesn't help.
"Sit down," Minseok tells him, which makes Lu Han worried. They sit on what passes for a couch, cushions pilfered from their room on the ship. Minseok looks very serious and Lu Han's heart is beating faster than he likes. "I got called in to talk to Governor Petrov today," he explains. "He wanted to talk to me about the return trip."
"But you're not going," Lu Han says, perplexed. Minseok is silent, and Lu Han is afraid he knows where this is going. "Right?" he asks, pleading.
"That's what I told him," Minseok says, not meeting Lu Han's eyes. "But I told you, before, we lost a lot of our techs in that big explosion last year, and of the ones who are left, not enough want to go back to safely keep the ship running."
"But...there's not just you. Someone else can go." Lu Han takes Minseok's hand, clinging desperately, hoping.
"I asked." Minseok's voice is flat, but Lu Han can hear pain lurking just under the surface. "I said I didn't want to go. But there's only a few other people who could go instead, and one's pregnant, one has a little kid, and the other has been really sick and might not survive the trip. So it has to be me."
"Then...can't I come with you?" He doesn't really want to leave, but if it's that or lose Minseok, he'll go.
"I asked that too," Minseok says, "but our supplies are very limited. They're only allowing necessary personnel and people with a really good reason to want to go back to Earth on this time."
"Isn't me wanting to be with you a really good reason?" Lu Han asks. He's squeezing Minseok's hand so tight it probably hurts, but he doesn't pull it away.
"I'm sorry. I asked and I begged and I even yelled, but it didn't work."
"Can't you just...not go?" It sounds terrible, putting Minseok staying with him above the safety of the people going back, but he just doesn't care.
"I signed a contract," Minseok says. "We all did. We got to go on this adventure, but the price we pay is that we have to go where they send us."
"But..." He doesn't have anything else to say, but he can't help objecting one more time.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says again, and Lu Han realizes with shock that there are tears in Minseok's eyes. He's never seen him cry, or even come close to it, so he does the only thing he can do and pulls Minseok into a crushing hug.
There are two more months of preparation before the scheduled departure, and they're probably the worst months of Lu Han's life so far. They call in every favor they have, beg everyone they know, trying to either get Minseok out of going or make it possible for Lu Han to go with him, but nothing seems to work, and at last, they have to give up. Minseok says that they should enjoy the time they have, not spend it being angry or sad, but it's hard to do, sometimes impossibly hard.
"I'd give you my space if I could," says Junmyeon, who's been chosen to as the only doctor for the voyage home, "but it doesn't work like that."
"I know," Lu Han says, and tries not to be bitter.
There's a pause, and then Junmyeon adds, more quietly, "I'll look after him. I don't know if that helps at all, but I will."
It doesn't, really, but at least Minseok won't be all alone, with Lu Han and the rest of their close friends staying here. "Thank you," he says.
Too soon, the dreaded day of departure rolls around. Minseok has already moved his things onto the ship, but he stays the last night with Lu Han. Departure this time is much less official than when they left Earth, most of the passengers walking over with their friends. Lu Han and Minseok walk over alone, but once there, they meet Junmyeon and the others. Minseok says his goodbyes to everyone else before dragging Lu Han off to the side.
They've avoided it until now, pretending that their time wasn't running out, not talking about what comes next, but they can't any longer. Minseok wraps his arms around Lu Han's waist and kisses him fiercely. "I'll...I don't know," he says when he pulls back, just enough to talk. "I can't promise I'll be back. I don't know if I'll be able to come back and even if I can, it'll probably be ten years or more."
"I know," Lu Han says quietly. He's already choked up, afraid he'll burst into tears if he talks more.
"Do you..." Minseok looks right at him and it hurts. "Do you want me to? Come back. If I can."
"Yes." He says it right away, not needing to consider. Ten years is a long time, but he's loved Minseok for nearly six and it's hard to see that changing. Besides, he's not likely to find someone else in the small population they'll have left. More hesitantly, he asks, "Do you want to?"
Minseok smiles sadly. "I do. I will, if I can. But don't...I mean...be happy here, okay? Don't sit around being miserable for ten years. It's amazing being here, right? So enjoy it."
"I will," Lu Han says, though what he really means is "I'll try." He can't imagine life here without Minseok, and he doesn't think it'll be anywhere near as amazing. Then, "You too. It'll be nice, won't it, to see Earth again?"
"Yeah, it will," Minseok agrees, but he doesn't sound like he really means it either.
They kiss again, and don't stop until there's an announcement calling everyone who's leaving onto the ship. Lu Han hugs Minseok as tightly as he can and murmurs, "I love you," into his hair. Minseok's response is muffled against Lu Han's shoulder, but he knows what it is anyway.
Lu Han doesn't let go until their friends find them. "It's time to go," Junmyeon says gently, and Minseok pulls out of Lu Han's hold. He swipes briefly at his eyes before pasting a smile on his face.
"Take care of yourselves, guys," he tells them all. "Maybe I'll see you in a decade or so. You better not have screwed this place up."
Junmyeon says something too, but Lu Han doesn't hear, all his attention on Minseok. He blinks, finding his vision blurry, and then he feels someone wrapping arms around him from behind. "Be strong," Zitao tells him. "See him off with a smile like he's doing for you." So Lu Han does smile, even as his tears spill over, and Minseok catches his eyes one more time and smiles widely before he turns to go.
It's a full eleven years before two new ships appear in the skies over their planet. Somehow their little colony is still hanging on, grimmer and smaller, but alive. Even though it's been eleven years and Lu Han hasn't spent the whole time pining, his heart still jumps at the sight of the ships overhead, and he feels tense and impatient while they wait for the ships to land and empty.
There are a lot of people, more than the initial expedition and many more than their small group of colonists. Lu Han stands together with his friends, and even though no one says anything, they stick close around him, protective. With so many people, it's hard to see if there are any familiar faces, but finally, when almost everyone has debarked, Lu Han sees someone he recognizes coming toward them, one of the techs who worked with Minseok.
He's French and none of them knows French, so he speaks to them in English. "This is for you," he says, handing an envelope to Lu Han, and Lu Han's heart sinks because that tells him everything. "And this is for all of you." The second envelope goes to Kris, and then the man heads off with promises to catch up later.
They read the letter to all of them first. It's from Junmyeon, saying that he misses them and hopes they're all well. He rambles for a while about the trip home before explaining that he won't be coming back because he met someone during his time back on Earth and he has a family now. It's a happy letter, even if it's sad that they're not likely to see their friend again.
The second is obviously from Minseok, and although Kris asks if he wants company while he reads it, Lu Han shakes his head and goes home alone. He opens the letter, which isn't in Minseok's familiar handwriting because it's typed. It's a lot shorter than Junmyeon's too. Psyching himself up, he starts to read.
I guess you already know by now, but I'm not coming back this time, or maybe ever. It's sad, but I survived two long space voyages and two years on another planet just fine, and then I came back to Earth and got in an accident on a bike. I'm okay, but my right arm is kind of useless, so my days of fixing computers and doing manual labor are over. I tried to convince them to let me go anyway, when it came time to pick people for the second expedition, but no luck.
I don't know what's happened to you in the years since I left, and what'll happen in the years before this gets to you. I don't know if you still want me there. I don't even know if you're still alive. But if you are alive to read this, know that I haven't forgotten about you and that I would've kept my promise if I could. I hope you're keeping yours too, and that you're happy there.
I won't say that this is it for us because you never know, but if it is, have a good life. I'll try my best to have one here too.
He doesn't cry, because he's a lot tougher than he was eleven years ago, but he stares at the letter for a long time, remembering. Finally, he folds the letter and puts it back in its envelope, getting to his feet. "I will," he says, as if his words could reach across the vastness of space, and then he puts the letter aside and goes back out to see what's happening.
Part 3
He doesn't have Minseok's phone number or e-mail or anything, since he's always just been able to find him here, so there's nothing he can do. He waits around for a few minutes until he starts worrying that he looks creepy waiting in front of the house, at which point he gives up and heads to class early.
He stops for coffee, but he's still fifteen minutes early, and Yixing looks at him in surprise as he sits down. "Here already? You always come in at the last second lately. Did piano boy kick you out?"
"He wasn't there," Lu Han says. "I knocked a few times but he didn't answer."
"Don't look so sad," Yixing says, nudging him with his shoulder. "I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow."
Lu Han tries not to worry and mostly succeeds since class and then homework and then friends demand his attention, but he's still extremely relieved the next day when he can hear the sound of the piano as he approaches Minseok's house. He knocks on the door and Minseok opens it right away.
"Hey," he says, stepping back to let Lu Han in. "Sorry about yesterday. Something came up and then I realized I didn't know how to get in touch with you. You should probably give me your number so that won't happen again."
They exchange numbers, but it's not necessary since Minseok is there every day. Lu Han becomes so used to the routine that he doesn't quite know what to do with himself when classes end. "You can still come over, if you want," Minseok says, "but I won't be offended if you need to study instead."
In the end, Lu Han brings his books over and studies on the couch while Minseok practices. Maybe it should be awkward because he's never been here for more than forty-five minutes and never gone out of his way to come over, but it feels comfortable, letting the music wash over him as he drills Korean verbs and taking breaks when his head feels too full or Minseok needs to rest his hands.
He stays for nearly four hours before Minseok says, "I hate to kick you out, but I have a lesson soon, and I know my teacher won't like you hanging around."
Lu Han leaves with a promise to come back the next day, but he wakes up to a text saying, Sorry, I've got some stuff to take care of today and tomorrow. Maybe Thursday if you have time.
But Lu Han has his exams, and then a month back in Beijing. He and Minseok exchange e-mails, but it's not the same without the now-familiar sound of Minseok's grand piano, or without his bright smile and those too-flattering dress shirts that he seems to live in, which recently have been rolled up to reveal more of his arms, and oh, Lu Han suddenly realizes, maybe he should've read more into his fascination with watching Minseok play than he has until now.
It doesn't shock him, really. It feels almost like a natural progression, like why wouldn't he be in love with Minseok? (Love? But even with that word attached, it's not a shock.) He's been so interested in him, drawn to him in a way he isn't to his other friends. And besides, he thinks Minseok is pretty amazing; who wouldn't fall for him? He doesn't know what to do with this revelation yet, but it's not hard to accept it.
Minseok looks tired when Lu Han sees him for the first time after he comes back from Beijing. "I have a big recital next month," he says, and he looks excited despite the dark circles under his eyes.
Lu Han is excited too at the prospect of seeing Minseok perform for the first time. If he's this mesmerizing when he's just practicing, what will he be like when he's really serious? Besides, Minseok's enthusiasm is contagious and Lu Han can't help getting caught up in it.
Minseok is visibly nervous too, practicing with increased fervor. "I've been preparing for this for so long," he says. "I have to do my best."
Lu Han thinks he sounds perfect already, but what does he know? He sticks to saying encouraging things when Minseok takes a break and keeping quiet the rest of the time. He spends a lot of that time thinking about what he figured out while he was away and wondering what to do about it. He does want to tell Minseok, but now doesn't seem to be the time to distract him. After the recital, he thinks. That'll be the time to make his confession.
School hasn't started up again yet, so he has nowhere else to be, and he hangs around for four hours that day and three the next, until Minseok says, "I need to work on some problem sections, so you should probably go or you'll get really sick of me playing the same parts over and over again."
Lu Han doesn't really mind, but Minseok looks even more tired today and he can't miss the hint. "Okay," he says. "I've got lots of free time this week, so just text me when you want company." That seems better, so he doesn't worry that he's annoying Minseok.
"Of course," Minseok says, and even if he's trying to get rid of Lu Han now, he seems to mean it. "I'll see you soon."
Lu Han is fully expecting to hear from Minseok the next day, but he doesn't, or the next. He sends a text of his own, a noncommittal Keep working hard! I can't wait to see your recital!, but gets no reply, not even a token emoticon. It's not like Minseok, however busy he is, to ignore his messages, and Lu Han finds himself worrying even though it's only been a short time.
He doesn't usually go to Minseok's house on the weekends, but he sends a few more texts, some silly things about his day that don't really require replies, and finally, on Sunday night, Where are you? Is everything okay?
His phone stays dark until he goes to bed, and there are no texts or missed calls in the morning. Lu Han frowns at his phone like it's at fault for Minseok's lack of response. He waits until mid-morning, the time when he'd usually go see Minseok, and then tries to call, but the phone goes right to voicemail, like it's not even on. "Hi," he says uncertainly. "Sorry to pester you, but it makes me worried that I haven't heard from you at all. Are you okay?"
When that still gets no response, he decides to go by Minseok's house in the afternoon. He can't hear the piano, and no one answers the door when he knocks. I'm standing creepily outside your house, he texts Minseok along with a winking emoticon. Where are you? But that goes unanswered too, and after fifteen minutes he gives up and goes home.
He comes back the next day, against his better judgment, and the house is still silent, but when Lu Han knocks on the door, it opens. He has only a second to feel relieved before he sees that it's not Minseok at the door but an older woman who looks enough like him that she must be his mother. "Hello," she says politely. "Can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Minseok," Lu Han says. He doesn't know how to explain himself. 'I come watch him practice when no one else is home?' "My name is Lu Han. I tried to call but he didn't answer and I was in the neighborhood..."
"Lu Han, was it? I saw your name on his phone. I'm sorry, I meant to..." She trails off, and Lu Han notices now that her eyes are red, and dread sinks into his stomach.
"Is he okay?" Lu Han blurts out, even though it's probably not a tactful thing to say.
"I'm sorry," Minseok's mother says, not meeting his eyes, "but Minseok died yesterday."
"Died?" Lu Han chokes on the word. He saw Minseok only a few days ago, and he looked tired like he has been recently, but not seriously ill, not like someone in imminent danger of dying. How can he be dead?
"I suppose he didn't tell you," Minseok's mother continues, her voice flat. "He didn't like anyone to know, but he was very sick. We knew it was only a matter of time, but we had hoped he'd at least be able to make it to his recital..."
The recital. Wasn't it only a few days ago that Lu Han was eagerly anticipating watching Minseok perform for the first time, and also anticipating, despite his worries, telling Minseok about his feelings? Now none of that will ever happen. He'll never be able to see Minseok on stage, never be able to see how brightly he'd smile afterwards, never be able to tell him how amazing he is in Lu Han's eyes and find out how he would respond. He'll never know how Minseok felt about him.
"His condition worsened very suddenly and he had to be taken to the hospital, which is why he wasn't able to contact you." Minseok's mother is still talking, and Lu Han only half hears her. "It's...at least he's not suffering anymore."
Lu Han goes home in a daze, unable to process the reality of the situation. He didn't even know Minseok was sick, and now he's dead and gone. Of course they hadn't known each other for so long, but he thought they were close, and yet Minseok was keeping this big secret from him, and suffering right under Lu Han's nose without him noticing. What kind of friend is he? What kind of person, to fall in love with Minseok's smile and the way his fingers curved over the piano keys without realizing that he was fading away?
Three weeks later, a padded envelope arrives in Lu Han's mailbox. He doesn't recognize the return address, and with a last name like Kim it could be anyone, but his mind immediately jumps to one particular possibility. He rips it open and finds a letter and a CD case. Sure enough, the letter is from Minseok's mother.
We found this while going through Minseok's things. It was together with letters for me, his father, and his piano teacher that he meant to hand out after his recital, so he must have been meaning to give this to you then.
He takes out the CD with unsteady hands and hurriedly puts it into his laptop. There are four tracks, the three movements of Lu Han's favorite of Minseok's recital pieces, and one unlabeled. He pushes play, and tears well up in his eyes the second he hears the familiar notes of the opening. They don't quite spill over, but he closes his eyes as he lets them music wash over him like he did so many times before.
The piece is 20 minutes long and he listens all the way through, sitting unmoving on his bed. He's forgotten about the last track by the time it ends, so he jumps when he hears Minseok's soft voice.
"I hope you enjoyed that," he says. "I don't know when I might not be able to play for you anymore, so I wanted you to have this so you could hear me anytime. I'm so full of myself, huh, thinking that you'd miss my playing that much? But I'd like to think you would. I'd like to think you'd miss me too.
"Thank you for stopping in front of my house that day, and thank you for talking to me. You don't know how much of a difference it's made to me, having you around the last few months.
"I wouldn't be brave enough to say this to your face, but since it's just me and the recorder, I guess it's okay: I love you. Silly, isn't it? We haven't known each other that long, but I do. Maybe you know that already, but you are really oblivious sometimes. I could be wrong, but I think maybe you love me back, and I'm thankful for that too, even if it'll never be anything.
"Be happy. Don't forget about me. And don't stop listening to real music just because I'm not around to make you, okay?"
Lu Han laughs at the last sentence, but it's through his tears and sounds a lot like a sob. "You idiot," he says, rubbing angrily at his eyes. "How could I forget you?"
Blinking away his tears, he selects the first track again and pushes play.
7
Lu Han and his friends go to a club, but Yixing gets carried away and is so falling-down drunk after an hour that Lu Han volunteers to take him home. With a giggling Yixing leaning heavily against his side, stumbling with every step, he doesn't even glance at the group of Korean guys who walk past him into the club.
8
It's a great honor to be chosen for the first Earth-wide colonial expedition to the planet currently designated X-361A. It's an honor not everyone wants—space technology has exploded so much in the last 50 years after the discovery of a habitable planet within potential reach of Earth that many people are still reeling and don't trust it to be safe—but Lu Han is excited.
He doesn't really understand why he's been chosen when his only qualifications are being young and healthy and being able to speak two languages (Mandarin and Korean) well and a third (English) with questionable fluency. He can't help wondering if someone made a mistake, but he's not about to refuse the offer of a lifetime. Adventure like this isn't for everyone, but he'd like to think that it is for him.
The preparation is intense. He has to undergo the most thorough physical he's ever had, along with psychological testing to make sure he's not likely to snap or secretly a sociopath. There's also training, from how to deal with decreased gravity to first aid to how to fly a spaceship, just in case. He studies English and technical manuals and meditation techniques until it feels like his head might burst from all the information he's cramming into it, but he's excited enough that he doesn't care.
He meets Minseok during an evacuation drill the first day they're allowed on the ship. He gets completely turned around and ends up in the galley, where he finds an equally lost Minseok. "Do you know where Airlock Two is?" he asks. Mandarin gets no response and English a furrowed brow that usually means "I should understand that but I don't," but when he asks in Korean, the other man makes a face.
"No," Minseok says, grimacing. "I'm so confused."
They laugh and try to find their way together, but they're still lost when the bell goes off to tell them that the drill is over and anyone still on the ship is dead.
"This better not be foreshadowing," Minseok says, slumping against the wall in defeat.
"Think of it this way," Lu Han says. "Now we know we need to memorize those ship schematics because apparently we suck at finding our way around. If there's ever a real emergency, we'll be the most prepared people on the ship."
"Good point," Minseok says, grinning. "Though really, if we have to evacuate into those escape pods somewhere out in space, we're probably pretty much screwed anyway."
"Thanks, I really needed to hear that." Lu Han punches him in the arm the way he would one of his friends before he remembers that they don't even know each other, but Minseok just laughs and scoots a safer distance away from him.
"Sorry," he says, not sounding sorry at all. "I'm Kim Minseok, by the way. I'm really glad you speak Korean. I wrote on my application that I know Mandarin and English and some Japanese but really I suck at anything but Korean."
"Lu Han. I'm supposed to know English too, so maybe in between memorizing schematics, we can study together."
"I'd like that," Minseok says, smiling.
It turns out that Minseok is a computer specialist, though he insists that he's at the lowest rung of the ladder and more of a glorified mechanic than anything else. "I don't know who screwed up picking my name out of the hat, but I'm not going to tell them if they don't notice."
In the few remaining weeks before launch, they become fast friends, studying together and fighting nervousness with laughter. Lu Han is extremely relieved and happy to have made a friend; they have a long trip ahead of them, and being surrounded by strangers sounds very lonely. He's likely to make other friends too, in time, but somehow he doubts there will be many like Minseok, who he already feels like he's known for years.
Everything is a whirlwind the last two weeks, trying to fit in all the last-minute preparation in between spending time with his family and friends he may very well never see again. Though he's been making light of it, there's a very real chance that Lu Han won't survive the trip, and even if he does, he might end up spending the rest of his life on a planet uncountable miles away from his family and friends. He has to enjoy what time he has left here on Earth.
All too soon, the final days approach, and Lu Han and the rest of the expedition establish themselves on the two ships. Miraculously (or possibly because of their similar ages and nearby countries of origin), he and Minseok are only three rooms apart. Lu Han's roommate is Canadian by way of China and says to call him Kris (and unlike Lu Han, he actually does speak English, albeit perpetually mumbled), while Minseok's roommate is a Chinese boy named Zitao who looks dangerously tough but keeps randomly bursting into tears at the thought of leaving his parents behind.
"I feel like I should ask him if he's really sure he wants to go, but he looks like he could rip my head off if I offend him," Minseok says as they hide out in a quiet corner of the mess hall two days before lift off. "I'm almost positive he wouldn't hurt a fly, but I don't want to find out the hard way that I'm wrong."
"He's had plenty of time to decide if he wants to go or not," Lu Han points out. "It's not your problem if he hasn't figured out how to deal with it."
"It is if he keeps crying in our room all the time," Minseok says dryly. "He looks so pathetic I don't know what to do. And I can barely even talk to him since we suck at each other's languages."
"Well, he's got two more days to back out," Lu Han says. "Otherwise you better hope there's a limit to his crying."
Minseok grimaces at the thought, but when launch time does roll around, Lu Han finds him sitting next to Zitao. Zitao looks tense and a little like a kicked puppy dog, but then Minseok puts a comforting hand over his and he relaxes a little.
Lu Han takes the seat on the other side of Minseok, and it's like that that they experience their launch into space. It's loud and shaky and pretty scary and Lu Han kind of wishes someone would hold his hand too, but then they're through the atmosphere with Earth spread out on the viewing window before them and that's amazing enough to make Lu Han forgot all his fear and sadness.
"Wow," he hears Zitao say.
"We're really out in space." Minseok's voice is soft, disbelieving. "We're really going."
And Lu Han just stares in silence, marveling at the incredible leap his life has taken.
Once the initial excitement of being in space and on their way to a completely different planet wears off, life is surprisingly mundane. They all have tasks to do, including basic chores to do with food and cleaning and things like cataloguing and maintenance. Minseok spends a lot of time monitoring the computers, but Lu Han doesn't have those kinds of technical skills, so he gets stuck with more manual labor like working in the laundry or the hydroponics lab.
"It sounds so glamorous, going on a colonizing mission to outer space," he whines to Minseok and Kris one evening, "and then I get here and what am I doing? Laundry."
"That's what you get for not having any other skills to get you out of laundry duty," Kris tells him with an annoyingly-smug grin. He doesn't have any technical skills either, but he's escaped laundry and gardening duty because he's busy teaching in the Language Learning Center for those who don't have the language skills to communicate with the rest of the crew.
"Shut up," Lu Han grumbles. "If the people in charge knew the only language you speak fluently is mumble, you'd be right there in the laundry with me."
They make a few other friends as the weeks pass and they settle in, mostly around their age. Junmyeon is a Korean doctor (inexperienced and trained as a pediatrician, he admits, but he wanted so badly to go and he managed to get a junior position in the medical crew), and Chanyeol, despite his goofy appearance, is a member of the chemical research team. Jongin is a mechanic (and not a glorified one like Minseok; he's there for down-and-dirty repairs), while his roommate Sehun is there because his family was one of the few chosen to come all together.
It's a little overwhelming, seeing the same people all the time and never being able to get away, plus the strangeness of life on a ship and days defined only by the rise and fall of the artificial lighting levels. Sometimes Lu Han feels absolutely desperate for blue sky and fresh air and grass under his feet, but the best he can do is go to the movie room and watch a nature documentary. (Zitao points out, reasonably enough, that Beijing is hardly known for its perpetually blue skies. Lu Han responds, also reasonably, he thinks, by kicking him in the shin.)
Lu Han doesn't mind so much having people around all the time, but Minseok does sometimes, eventually getting so snippy over dinner one night that Lu Han says, "Come with me," and drags him out of the mess hall.
He pulls an annoyed Minseok down two floors to a hallway he's discovered by the laundry. It dead ends in a storage closet, and right beside that closet is a small alcove with a viewing window and a bench just big enough for two or three people. He pushes Minseok down onto the bench and sits next to him. "Now breathe," he says. "And calm down."
"I am calm," Minseok grumbles, but he looks out the window at the stars and visibly relaxes.
They sit in silence for a few minutes until Minseok says, without turning around, "Thanks. I guess I did need that. The company around here is good, but sometimes I just need some alone time, you know?"
"Do you want me to go?" Lu Han asks, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable. He's been told before that he can't take a hint when someone wants to be left alone.
Now Minseok turns and gives him a smile. "No, it's okay. For some reason I don't mind the company if it's just you."
So they sit there in silence for fifteen minutes until an announcement calls them to an after-dinner meeting, Minseok leaning just a little into Lu Han's side, and watch the stars together, and Lu Han doesn't know why since he usually has no patience for silence, but he feels very relaxed and happy.
About a month into their voyage ("Only forty-seven months to go!" Chanyeol says cheerfully), the topic of relationships first comes up. Jongin has developed a painfully obvious crush on a female mechanic a few years older than him, and Lu Han and the others find it hilarious to watch him make a fool of himself around her.
"I wonder if there'll be a lot of people hooking up along the way," Junmyeon says thoughtfully. "Four years is a long time to be alone, especially when we don't have that much to occupy ourselves with."
"There's not much of a selection, " Kris comments, "but maybe we'll get desperate after a while."
"Are you saying you don't want to sleep with any of us?" Chanyeol teases, and Kris' face when he does a doubletake at that is priceless.
He recovers quickly, though, and says, "I don't swing that way, so I hate to disappoint you, but if you were hoping for a chance down the line, you'll have to let it go." Chanyeol laughs the loudest at that.
Later, as Lu Han walks Minseok to work since his shift doesn't start until later, he says, "My mom asked me when I told her I'd been selected if I wasn't worried that I might never find a girl to marry if I left. I mean, first she asked a lot of other stuff like how dangerous it was, but eventually she got to that. I didn't even think about it, until she asked."
"Not in a hurry to get married?" Minseok asks.
"No, not really," Lu Han says truthfully. It is something he's thought about, but he's also thought about how maybe he'd prefer to marry a man if he could, which means at this point that he'd prefer not to marry. He's thought about a lot of things, and he's quite content to not think about them now when he's got bigger things to worry about.
"Me neither." There's something about the way he says it that makes Lu Han look over at Minseok, who is looking at back at him with a deliberately casual expression.
"What?" he asks.
Minseok just flashes him a wry-looking smile and says, "Nothing." Before Lu Han can pester him, a flustered-looking tech swoops in to ask Minseok a question, and all Lu Han can do is wave goodbye as he's pulled away.
He forgets about that conversation by the end of the day, but a few weeks later as they're getting into bed, Kris asks, "Did you have anyone back home, before you left?"
"You mean like a girlfriend?" It seems like an out of the blue question, though they did tease Jongin about his "girlfriend" (who still won't give him the time of day) at dinner.
"Yeah," Kris says. "Or whatever." He says it so casually that Lu Han's not sure what it's supposed to mean, but when he looks up, Kris gives him a significant sort of half smile.
"No," Lu Han says. "Nobody. Why do you ask?"
"I did," Kris admits. "A girlfriend. We'd only been dating for six months when I was chosen, but she asked me not to go. I went anyway."
"Huh." Lu Han doesn't know what to say with that; he's never been good with this kind of thing.
"It's fine," Kris says quickly. "I'm not saying it so you'll feel sorry for me or anything. I just wanted someone to know, I guess." He shrugs. "We all probably chose this chance over relationships, right? Except people who came as couples. So it's not a priority, but I wonder if some of us will find someone on the way."
"With more success than Jongin, maybe," Lu Han says with a laugh.
Kris smiles too, and then he asks, "What about you?"
"Me?" Lu Han asks, confused.
"Anyone caught your eye yet?"
Lu Han thinks about the way Jongin is with his crush, and about the girls and occasionally guys he dated back home, and then suddenly he thinks about Minseok and realizes that maybe he does know what Kris is getting at.
Something in his expression makes Kris laugh. "I knew it," he says. Then, teasingly, "Did you?"
"I've been known to be an idiot about liking people," Lu Han says sheepishly. "Especially male people."
"You should go for it," Kris says, still looking amused. "Your chances are a hell of a lot better than Jongin's."
"Jongin's hot," Lu Han retorts. "I bet it's only a matter of time before either he gets who he wants or someone else snaps him up."
"Yeah, well, you're hot too," Kris says. Lu Han raises his eyebrows at him and Kris rolls his eyes. "I mean that in a totally platonic and not gay way. I really don't swing that way at all."
"And what makes you think Minseok does?" Lu Han asks, reasonably enough. "If he doesn't and I make things awkward between us, we're never going to be able to avoid each other. And I don't want to avoid him."
"I'm not an expert," Kris says, "but I have a feeling he does." Then he grins a little and adds, "At least for you. You could give it a try."
In spite of Kris' prodding, Lu Han doesn't do anything except be more aware of his feelings. Now that he's thinking about it, he realizes that okay, maybe the way he wants to be around Minseok all the time, more than any of his other friends, means something more than that they're best friends (or at least the best friends either of them has here). Maybe he pays attention to Minseok's moods and shows him his favorite parts of the ship that he doesn't show anyone else because Minseok is special to him.
And he doesn't want to ask, but he can't help but wonder how much he can read into Minseok's behavior. Is the way he doesn't mind being around Lu Han even when he wants to get away from everyone else a sign that they're more than just friends? Does the way he sometimes leans against Lu Han or grabs his hand or occasionally hits him mean anything or is it no different from how he interacts with his other friends? It's so hard to judge, because even though they're friends, he hasn't known Minseok for long at all, and maybe they're all a little overly clingy these days.
More time passes and Lu Han gets used to it, being close to Minseok but not too close. He convinces himself that he's happy like this, having a best friend at a time when he really needs one, and that he doesn't need anything more. He is happy, mostly, and Minseok seems happy too, and that's all that really matters.
The day they hit the six month mark of their voyage, there's a big party scheduled at dinner. The morning starts like any ordinary day except that Lu Han wakes up a little early so he can finish his laundry shift in time for the party. He stumbles sleepily over to Minseok and Zitao's room since Minseok is usually up early and willing to eat breakfast together.
He doesn't want to wake Zitao (who is much less of an early riser) up with the bell, so he punches in the code to open the door. The lights are on the dim early morning setting, which is enough for him to see that only one of the beds is occupied. It's Minseok's bed, and it's currently occupied by both Minseok and Zitao, covered by a blanket but obviously lying very close together.
Lu Han takes an immediate step back, but then Minseok's eyes open and he looks up at him. "Hey, um..." He makes an embarrassed face.
"Sorry, I'll go," Lu Han says, managing another step back.
"No, wait a second!" Minseok tries to get up, but Zitao appears to have a tight grip on him.
His voice is loud enough to wake Zitao, who blinks sleepily. "What's going on?" he asks in Mandarin.
"Forget it," Lu Han says quickly. "I'll, uh, see you guys later."
He hears Zitao asking his question again in Korean and Minseok muttering something, sounding annoyed, but then he closes the door behind him and hurries off to the mess hall.
He eats quickly and goes down to the laundry, which unfortunately does nothing to distract him from thinking about what he saw. He doesn't want to read too much into it, but it's hard not to read anything into two guys in bed together. They're a touchy bunch, but there's being touchy and then there's sleeping in the same bed that isn't big enough for two people to sleep in unless they're very close together. And he knows Zitao is very fond of Minseok and Minseok indulges him even as he rolls his eyes, so who's to say it couldn't have turned into something more?
Lu Han almost wants to skip the party, but he'd be an idiot to pass up a better-than-usual spread of food and a decent selection of alcohol. Besides, he's been looking forward to this all week. He's not going to spend it moping in his room just because his crush slept with someone else last night (literally and also possibly in the euphemistic sense).
He arrives at dinner determined to forget everything else, but as soon as he approaches the table his friends have staked out, Zitao jumps up and says, "I need to talk to you." He grabs Lu Han's arm, and he's not rough, but he's strong enough to easily drag Lu Han back outside and into a secluded corner.
"What are you doing?" Lu Han snaps, more sharply than Zitao deserves, and he feels bad at the hurt on his face.
"Don't be mad at me," Zitao says. He's wearing his puppy dog face and even though Lu Han wants to be mad at him, he can't. "And don't be mad at Minseok-hyung. It's not what you're thinking."
"It's not?" The part of Lu Han that isn't being a drama queen about this knows that, because it was obvious that Minseok was trying to explain something that morning, but everyone deserves the right to be a drama queen every once in a while, he thinks, especially after they walk in on the guy they like in bed with someone else.
"I was homesick," Zitao explains. "Thinking about how we've been away for six whole months and there's so much longer to go. I was crying and Minseok-hyung felt sorry for me so he let me get in his bed. We talked until I felt better and then I guess I fell asleep."
"Oh," Lu Han says. That's a relief, and also kind of embarrassing because it means he's been a drama queen for absolutely no reason.
"That's all that happened," Zitao continues. He's so earnest Lu Han couldn't possibly be annoyed with him. "That's all that would ever happen. He's like my big brother who takes care of me and I'm sure I'm just an annoying little brother to him."
"Oh," Lu Han repeats, feeling more embarrassed by the second.
"I kind of thought you guys were already—" Zitao starts, but then he breaks off, and Lu Han realizes why a second later when someone comes up behind him and he turns to come face to face with Minseok. "Hi," Zitao says, switching to Korean. "I'll see you guys inside." He disappears immediately, leaving Lu Han alone with Minseok.
"I guess he explained?" Minseok asks.
"Yeah," Lu Han says sheepishly, studying the floor.
"You're such an idiot," Minseok says, but he sounds more fond than annoyed. "You could've waited two seconds this morning to let me tell you what happened instead of running away and probably thinking about it all day."
"Sorry," Lu Han tells the floor.
"Forget about it," Minseok says. "But what's the big deal? Does me sleeping with Tao freak you out that much? If we were really sleeping together, I mean."
"No, it's not...I was just...surprised." He doesn't think he's fooling anyone, but if he's managed to keep his feelings a secret from Minseok for this long, maybe it's possible.
"Or jealous?" Minseok asks, and Lu Han's head snaps up, eyes going wide with shock; so much for that idea. Minseok laughs. "You should see your face."
Lu Han punches him in the shoulder because it's easier than figuring out what to say now. Minseok gives him a light shove in response before he says, "If you're jealous, you're even more of an idiot than I thought. Like there was ever any question that you're the most special to me."
Now Lu Han stares at him. He's afraid to take that as more than it is, but it sure sounds like a confession. "You mean...?"
Minseok looks back at him for a long time before finally letting out an exasperated sigh and moving forward to kiss Lu Han. It's just a peck, long enough to make his intentions entirely clear but not to attract any attention. "That's what I mean," Minseok says. "Now can we go inside? I'm starving and it'll be no fun if everyone's already drunk by the time we get there."
When Lu Han doesn't react, Minseok grabs his hand and drags him back to the mess hall, where they take the last two seats at the table. "Dragged out by Tao and back in by Minseok-hyung," Sehun says dryly. "Interesting night you're having."
Lu Han kicks him under the table because that's what he does, but he doesn't care. There's good food and drink (at least compared to what they've been having for the last six months) and Minseok is smiling and sitting close enough that their legs brush under the table. Their friends are smiling and laughing too, not caring even though they must have some idea what's going on, and all in all, life is good.
By the time the party winds down, Lu Han and Minseok are both quite drunk. All their friends are, but the youngest three are by far the worst, and Junmyeon offers to escort all three of them back to Jongin and Sehun's room. Lu Han's confused by that in his drunken state, but then Junmyeon flashes him and Minseok a significant look and he thinks, Oh, right. Then he thinks, Oh, shit, because if he's left alone with Minseok tonight, he has no idea how far things will go.
Kris and Chanyeol walk back with them, but then they drop Chanyeol off in his room. When they reach the door of Kris and Lu Han's room, Minseok very pointedly takes hold of Lu Han's hand and says, "Goodnight, Kris."
"Goodnight," is all Kris says before disappearing into the room.
"Come on," Minseok says once the door closes. It's almost a question, so Lu Han answers by starting to walk toward Minseok's room.
The door is barely closed before Minseok is kissing him, which gives Lu Han a pretty good idea of where this is going to go. He's not going to complain; it's been a good deal more than six months since he's kissed anyone at all, and kissing Minseok is particularly appealing. Maybe it's moving kind of fast, but he's been nursing these feelings for a while now. He's ready for it.
Minseok pulls back for a moment, after a while, just enough to look Lu Han in the eye. "Do we need to talk about this?" he asks, a tiny bit breathless. His eyes are dark and Lu Han gets lost in them.
"We can talk later," he says, and leans in to kiss Minseok again.
Lu Han wakes up the next morning in much the same position as he found Zitao in the day before, except that he and Minseok are both naked under the blanket. He's got something of a hangover, but not too bad, all things considered. He opens his eyes and brings up a hand to rub at them, and when he moves his hand away, he finds Minseok looking at him.
"Morning," he says with a small smile. "I was wondering when you'd wake up.
"Morning," Lu Han echoes. He's not awake enough to feel self-conscious, even if he's clinging to Minseok almost as much as Zitao was. He lets go slowly, hand skating down Minseok's side, and makes no move to get up.
"That was some party, huh?" Minseok says dryly, and Lu Han laughs, but not too much because his head isn't ready for that. "I can't believe you didn't realize I liked you. And that you thought I was sleeping with Tao."
"So I'm an idiot," Lu Han says, sheepish but not too bothered at this point. "And you were lying in bed together first thing in the morning, which isn't something I usually do with my friends, personally."
"I'm surprised, considering how clingy you get." Lu Han pokes Minseok in the stomach as revenge for that, but he just grins. Then, after a moment, he asks, "Is it talking time now?"
Lu Han shrugs, as much as he can while lying down. "Do we have to talk?"
"We probably should. We're going to be stuck on the same ship for a long time and we don't want to make things awkward."
"What is there to talk about?" Lu Han's aware that he sounds whiny, but he's not a big fan of talking about things.
"Oh, I don't know. If we're going to be having sex again. What sort of feelings we have about each other. Creative ways to get Tao and Kris out of our rooms if we want to have more sex."
Lu Han laughs, probably harder than that really deserves, but that's the way he is. "Yes," he says. "To the sex. And it seems like everyone else knows how I feel better than I do."
Now it's Minseok's turn to laugh. "That's true." He presses a kiss to Lu Han's nose and then flashes him a smile that's cuter than it has any right to be. "And I already told you that you're special to me, so I guess that just leaves how to get time alone."
"I can be persuasive," Lu Han says, vaguely threatening, and Minseok laughs almost as hard as Lu Han did before.
In spite of their failure to discuss things properly, things go well. Their friends all seems amused by but supportive of their relationship, and it's easy enough to get time alone either by asking nicely or by starting to make out until Kris or Tao flees the room. (Lu Han prefers the second method; Minseok tells him he's a terrible person as he laughs.) They get to know each other better, become closer, and Lu Han's feelings for Minseok grow.
And time passes, slowly but steadily. There are some exciting (read: terrifying) days, like the time they pass through an asteroid field and take a few scary but not-too-damaging hits, or the time one of the engines breaks down and anyone remotely qualified to help fix it, including Minseok, works round the clock for almost two days to repair it. But against all odds, perhaps, they continue on their way.
Sometimes Lu Han hates it, gets stir crazy and desperate to feel grass under his feet or sun on his face and to go somewhere different and see different people. They all do, some people even to the point of cracking up and needing to be isolated for a while until they can calm down. But other days he laughs with his friends in the mess hall until his stomach hurts, or he sits with Minseok and looks at the stars, and he thinks that his life is really pretty amazing.
And then somehow, at last, just shy of their four-year estimated transit time, they arrive at their destination. It's hard to believe; they've been traveling for so long that Lu Han almost forgot that wasn't the goal. It's scary too, because they've all gotten used to life on the ship, but now they'll be facing entirely new challenges and in all likelihood significant risks. They all knew when they signed on that there was a very real possibility they'd die a long, long way from home, but it feels very different now that that possibility is staring them right in the face in the form of the planet just outside their windows.
The night before they land, Lu Han lies in bed with Minseok. (Zitao has long since moved in with Kris to allow Lu Han to share with Minseok.) "What do you think it'll be like?" he asks.
"You've seen the data and the pictures," Minseok points out. He seems distracted, absently tracing patterns on Lu Han's back.
"I know, but those are from machines. Who knows what it'll be like for real people?"
"Yeah." Minseok's hand stills, and then he presses it flat against Lu Han's back. "I'm..." he starts, and then changes his mind. "Are you scared?"
Lu Han takes his time, considering the question. He is, honestly, but it's hard to admit. "A lot of people were scared about the trip here," he says. "Before we left, so many people said we'd never make it, and I thought they might be right, but they weren't. So let's hope the people who said we'd die on the planet if we survived the trip were wrong too."
"So optimistic," Minseok says, chuckling.
Lu Han turns on his side to kiss him. "There's no way to know what'll happen," he says. "But I'm glad I came." Another kiss. "I love you."
Minseok smiles, small at first and then widening. "I love you too," he says. "I'm glad too."
The next morning, on their way down to the planet, Lu Han takes Minseok's hand, and he doesn't let go even after they safely land.
Establishing a colony on the planet is hard, and some people do die, too many, but Lu Han and Minseok and all their friends defy the odds and make it through. For two years, they work hard to carve out a life on an unfamiliar planet, and as difficult as it is, Lu Han is really happy there.
When they celebrate the second anniversary of their arrival, the leaders make a big announcement. One of their ships will be heading back to Earth to report on their progress and, if all goes according to plan, return with more settlers. It's the goal they've been working toward and it's exciting, but Lu Han is nervous too. It's another big change, and there's no telling what the aftermath will bring. He wants to stay and he's made his intentions of that clear, as has Minseok, but not all their friends feel the same, and he doesn't know how life here will be with a good portion of the population gone.
A week after the announcement, Minseok comes back from an on-ship maintenance job with a frown on his face. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks immediately, and his frown only deepens. Lu Han gives him a kiss, but that doesn't help.
"Sit down," Minseok tells him, which makes Lu Han worried. They sit on what passes for a couch, cushions pilfered from their room on the ship. Minseok looks very serious and Lu Han's heart is beating faster than he likes. "I got called in to talk to Governor Petrov today," he explains. "He wanted to talk to me about the return trip."
"But you're not going," Lu Han says, perplexed. Minseok is silent, and Lu Han is afraid he knows where this is going. "Right?" he asks, pleading.
"That's what I told him," Minseok says, not meeting Lu Han's eyes. "But I told you, before, we lost a lot of our techs in that big explosion last year, and of the ones who are left, not enough want to go back to safely keep the ship running."
"But...there's not just you. Someone else can go." Lu Han takes Minseok's hand, clinging desperately, hoping.
"I asked." Minseok's voice is flat, but Lu Han can hear pain lurking just under the surface. "I said I didn't want to go. But there's only a few other people who could go instead, and one's pregnant, one has a little kid, and the other has been really sick and might not survive the trip. So it has to be me."
"Then...can't I come with you?" He doesn't really want to leave, but if it's that or lose Minseok, he'll go.
"I asked that too," Minseok says, "but our supplies are very limited. They're only allowing necessary personnel and people with a really good reason to want to go back to Earth on this time."
"Isn't me wanting to be with you a really good reason?" Lu Han asks. He's squeezing Minseok's hand so tight it probably hurts, but he doesn't pull it away.
"I'm sorry. I asked and I begged and I even yelled, but it didn't work."
"Can't you just...not go?" It sounds terrible, putting Minseok staying with him above the safety of the people going back, but he just doesn't care.
"I signed a contract," Minseok says. "We all did. We got to go on this adventure, but the price we pay is that we have to go where they send us."
"But..." He doesn't have anything else to say, but he can't help objecting one more time.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says again, and Lu Han realizes with shock that there are tears in Minseok's eyes. He's never seen him cry, or even come close to it, so he does the only thing he can do and pulls Minseok into a crushing hug.
There are two more months of preparation before the scheduled departure, and they're probably the worst months of Lu Han's life so far. They call in every favor they have, beg everyone they know, trying to either get Minseok out of going or make it possible for Lu Han to go with him, but nothing seems to work, and at last, they have to give up. Minseok says that they should enjoy the time they have, not spend it being angry or sad, but it's hard to do, sometimes impossibly hard.
"I'd give you my space if I could," says Junmyeon, who's been chosen to as the only doctor for the voyage home, "but it doesn't work like that."
"I know," Lu Han says, and tries not to be bitter.
There's a pause, and then Junmyeon adds, more quietly, "I'll look after him. I don't know if that helps at all, but I will."
It doesn't, really, but at least Minseok won't be all alone, with Lu Han and the rest of their close friends staying here. "Thank you," he says.
Too soon, the dreaded day of departure rolls around. Minseok has already moved his things onto the ship, but he stays the last night with Lu Han. Departure this time is much less official than when they left Earth, most of the passengers walking over with their friends. Lu Han and Minseok walk over alone, but once there, they meet Junmyeon and the others. Minseok says his goodbyes to everyone else before dragging Lu Han off to the side.
They've avoided it until now, pretending that their time wasn't running out, not talking about what comes next, but they can't any longer. Minseok wraps his arms around Lu Han's waist and kisses him fiercely. "I'll...I don't know," he says when he pulls back, just enough to talk. "I can't promise I'll be back. I don't know if I'll be able to come back and even if I can, it'll probably be ten years or more."
"I know," Lu Han says quietly. He's already choked up, afraid he'll burst into tears if he talks more.
"Do you..." Minseok looks right at him and it hurts. "Do you want me to? Come back. If I can."
"Yes." He says it right away, not needing to consider. Ten years is a long time, but he's loved Minseok for nearly six and it's hard to see that changing. Besides, he's not likely to find someone else in the small population they'll have left. More hesitantly, he asks, "Do you want to?"
Minseok smiles sadly. "I do. I will, if I can. But don't...I mean...be happy here, okay? Don't sit around being miserable for ten years. It's amazing being here, right? So enjoy it."
"I will," Lu Han says, though what he really means is "I'll try." He can't imagine life here without Minseok, and he doesn't think it'll be anywhere near as amazing. Then, "You too. It'll be nice, won't it, to see Earth again?"
"Yeah, it will," Minseok agrees, but he doesn't sound like he really means it either.
They kiss again, and don't stop until there's an announcement calling everyone who's leaving onto the ship. Lu Han hugs Minseok as tightly as he can and murmurs, "I love you," into his hair. Minseok's response is muffled against Lu Han's shoulder, but he knows what it is anyway.
Lu Han doesn't let go until their friends find them. "It's time to go," Junmyeon says gently, and Minseok pulls out of Lu Han's hold. He swipes briefly at his eyes before pasting a smile on his face.
"Take care of yourselves, guys," he tells them all. "Maybe I'll see you in a decade or so. You better not have screwed this place up."
Junmyeon says something too, but Lu Han doesn't hear, all his attention on Minseok. He blinks, finding his vision blurry, and then he feels someone wrapping arms around him from behind. "Be strong," Zitao tells him. "See him off with a smile like he's doing for you." So Lu Han does smile, even as his tears spill over, and Minseok catches his eyes one more time and smiles widely before he turns to go.
It's a full eleven years before two new ships appear in the skies over their planet. Somehow their little colony is still hanging on, grimmer and smaller, but alive. Even though it's been eleven years and Lu Han hasn't spent the whole time pining, his heart still jumps at the sight of the ships overhead, and he feels tense and impatient while they wait for the ships to land and empty.
There are a lot of people, more than the initial expedition and many more than their small group of colonists. Lu Han stands together with his friends, and even though no one says anything, they stick close around him, protective. With so many people, it's hard to see if there are any familiar faces, but finally, when almost everyone has debarked, Lu Han sees someone he recognizes coming toward them, one of the techs who worked with Minseok.
He's French and none of them knows French, so he speaks to them in English. "This is for you," he says, handing an envelope to Lu Han, and Lu Han's heart sinks because that tells him everything. "And this is for all of you." The second envelope goes to Kris, and then the man heads off with promises to catch up later.
They read the letter to all of them first. It's from Junmyeon, saying that he misses them and hopes they're all well. He rambles for a while about the trip home before explaining that he won't be coming back because he met someone during his time back on Earth and he has a family now. It's a happy letter, even if it's sad that they're not likely to see their friend again.
The second is obviously from Minseok, and although Kris asks if he wants company while he reads it, Lu Han shakes his head and goes home alone. He opens the letter, which isn't in Minseok's familiar handwriting because it's typed. It's a lot shorter than Junmyeon's too. Psyching himself up, he starts to read.
I guess you already know by now, but I'm not coming back this time, or maybe ever. It's sad, but I survived two long space voyages and two years on another planet just fine, and then I came back to Earth and got in an accident on a bike. I'm okay, but my right arm is kind of useless, so my days of fixing computers and doing manual labor are over. I tried to convince them to let me go anyway, when it came time to pick people for the second expedition, but no luck.
I don't know what's happened to you in the years since I left, and what'll happen in the years before this gets to you. I don't know if you still want me there. I don't even know if you're still alive. But if you are alive to read this, know that I haven't forgotten about you and that I would've kept my promise if I could. I hope you're keeping yours too, and that you're happy there.
I won't say that this is it for us because you never know, but if it is, have a good life. I'll try my best to have one here too.
He doesn't cry, because he's a lot tougher than he was eleven years ago, but he stares at the letter for a long time, remembering. Finally, he folds the letter and puts it back in its envelope, getting to his feet. "I will," he says, as if his words could reach across the vastness of space, and then he puts the letter aside and goes back out to see what's happening.
Part 3
