Try To Remember (7/7)
Dec. 20th, 2013 08:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepox21
Minseok gets offered the radio gig when he's two years out of university and already has a real job, after Chanyeol decides that he can't continue it and go to med school at the same time. He almost says no because his real job doesn't leave him much free time either, but it brings back fond memories of his student days, and it's only two hours one night a week, so it shouldn't be too bad. "I know you'll do a great job, hyung!" Chanyeol tells him, and he lets himself give in to the flattery and accepts.
His DJing skills are rusty, but it comes back quickly enough. He remembers how to enunciate and sound excited about everything, and how to handle callers, and soon enough he finds himself enjoying it. It's a nice change of pace from his boring real job, something to keep him from feeling old at twenty-four.
He's been doing it for some three weeks the first time the guy calls in. He gives his name as Han and laughs when Minseok asks, "Like the river?"
"Sure," he agrees, in an amused tone that means it's not true at all. "Like the river."
"And where are you calling from?" Minseok asks.
"Beijing, actually."
"Huh," Minseok responds eloquently, because he hadn't even realized people could call from China. "Are you Chinese? Your Korean's very good."
"Thanks," Han says. "I studied hard." That seems to amuse him too, though Minseok can't understand why.
"And what do you want to tell us about today?" This is their free talk segment, where listeners call in with funny stories and Minseok gets to give a prize to the best one.
Han tells a story, not very well, about a friend who had a roommate who got homesick easily, and how his roommate started crying one night and his friend let the guy into his bed to comfort him and ended up having him fall asleep and cling to him all night. "And then the worst part was that his crush walked in on him the next morning and saw the two of them cuddling under the blankets and of course got the wrong idea. It was so awkward." He laughs at his own story, which makes Minseok roll his eyes but isn't at all uncommon.
"Thanks for your story," Minseok says. "Next up, we have listener KFPanda..."
In the end, Minseok gives the prize to another listener for her story about a disastrous family dinner, and he forgets about Han as quickly as he does most everyone who calls in, which is to say by the next morning.
Only two weeks later, there's another call from Han, and hearing the name triggers Minseok's memory. "Like the river?" he asks, a beat too late, but Han still laughs hard.
"So you remember me," he says, sounding pleased. "Yes, like the river."
Han's story today is about a friend who was a big fan of a male kpop group and went on message boards with a gender neutral name so he wouldn't look out of place among all the female fans. He befriended a particular user and was really worried when they started e-mailing privately that his new friend wouldn't want to talk to him once he admitted to being a guy, but then it turned out his friend was also a guy and he'd been worried about the same thing. "What a coincidence, right?"
Han doesn't win the prize that night either, but Minseok gives him "a special mention for being my first repeat caller."
And he keeps calling, not every week, but often enough that Minseok comes to expect it. His stories are never very good, either told badly or not very funny in the first place, but he tries so hard that Minseok can't help being a little charmed. The seventh time Han calls, Minseok gives him first place "because sometimes effort deserves to be rewarded even if your stories suck."
He thinks maybe that'll be the end of it, but Han calls again and again, until Minseok's reached the sixth-month mark and he's had fifteen calls from his favorite (and only) repeat caller.
The next week, Han calls as usual, but he opens with, "This is the last time I'm going to call."
"Why is that?" Minseok asks, surprised and a little sad. He's talked to Han so many times that it almost feels like they're friends, even though they don't really know each other at all.
"Because this is my last story," Han explains, sounding uncharacteristically serious. "It's not very funny, but I'd really like to tell it, if you'll let me."
"Sure," Minseok says. He probably shouldn't since the whole point of this corner is to tell funny stories, but it's not like Han's stories are usually very funny anyway.
"I know a guy," Han starts, "and he believes he can remember other lives. Not really past lives, more like alternate versions of himself. It doesn't make any sense, but he's really sure about it, and there's stuff he shouldn't know but does because of those memories, so who knows, maybe it's true?
"Anyway, there's a guy he meets in almost every one of those alternate versions, and he's got a huge thing for him. His friends, we thought he was crazy, but then one day he found this guy from his memories on the internet. He hoped, maybe, that this guy remembered those other versions of them too. That maybe there was someone else like him in the world, someone who would understand when no one else did.
"But he didn't want to sound like a nut, so he tried to talk to that person without telling him the whole truth, telling him about some of those memories and seeing if they rang any bells. He tried all kinds of stories from his memories, but nothing seemed to work, and eventually he had to admit that he's the only one who remembers.
"He was really sad about it, but he decided that maybe it's best to just let it go, to stop chasing after this person this time around and hope that maybe there'll be another version of them, someday, where they'll both remember and be happy together. It's too hard, feeling so much for someone and being a stranger to them."
He's right; it's not a funny story at all, and Minseok is at a loss for how to respond. It sounds crazy, and it also makes him feel like he's missing something, like there's something big Han isn't saying. But this is live radio and he can't sit there in silence and process it, so he says, "That's a sad story you've got there, Han. There's no happy ending?"
"No," Han says, and his voice is quiet and serious and nothing like it usually is when he calls in. "I guess there isn't. But thanks for letting me tell it, and all my other stories. Goodbye."
And then he hangs up, and a moment too late, Minseok makes the connection. "Wait!" he says. "This guy, the one telling stories, was...you?" But there's only silence, and the tech guy shakes his head when Minseok shoots him a look to ask if they can get Han back on the line. "Well..." Minseok says awkwardly, trying to figure out how to move on, his mind still caught up in what happened. "After that, how about we hear a funny story?"
He gets through the rest of the show on autopilot, his thoughts elsewhere, and he's relieved when it's finally over. "That was so weird," the tech guy comments. "I thought he was a little strange, calling so many times with such random stories, but that story today made him sound full-on crazy. What was he trying to say, that he thinks you and him are meant to be?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, not really listening. "But I guess we won't hear from him again."
And they don't, although Minseok keeps waiting and half hoping for one more call. He doesn't know what he'd say, if it happened, because Han's story is crazy and of course he doesn't remember someone he's never met, but he remembers how sad Han sounded when he said goodbye and he can't help feeling a little guilty about it.
After a year, Minseok hands off the radio show to someone else and he largely forgets about it, but every time someone says they have a funny story to tell, he always thinks, just a little bit, of his regular caller Han (like the river) and his unfunny stories.
22
This time, there are no dreams, no nightmares. He just knows, and in the same way, he knows not to tell anyone. Nobody notices his slips when he's young, and as he gets older, he learns to play it off as just being weird or not very bright. (To be fair, he is weird, even aside from his crazy memories, and not especially smart either.) No one ever asks too many questions, and he's good enough at pretending when they do.
He finds Minseok online when they're thirteen. It's only a small photo on his school's website, but it's enough to reassure him that Minseok exists in this world and there's a chance they'll meet someday. He gave up before, but this time around, he's decided to hope. Part of him wants to get on a plane to Korea right then and track Minseok down, but he's only thirteen, and also that would make Minseok think he's a psycho stalker. So he waits, talking comfort in his happier memories and occupying himself with planning how to get to Korea someday.
He reads online about Minseok in the Everysing contest, then finds out that he's started training with SM. It's hard to imagine the Minseok he knows (any of the Minseoks he's known,) as an idol, but stranger things have happened. It does make him easier to keep track of, since even trainee idols have the occasional fan, though he can't help feeling jealous of the girls who get close enough to take pictures of Minseok and the other trainees they photograph him with.
It takes some doing, but eventually Lu Han manages to convince his parents that he should go study at a Korean university. They're skeptical, but he spins it as best he can, reminds them that he's been wanting to learn Korean for a while so it's not just a phase. Finally, they reluctantly agree.
The problem is that once he gets to Korea, that's the extent of his plans, at least as far as Minseok. He can study Korean (because even though he remembers speaking it well, even fluently sometimes, there's too much else in his head to hold onto more than the basics), and try to enjoy life here, but he hasn't come this far only to never find a way to meet Minseok.
He contemplates standing outside the SM building like some fans do, but he's not (quite) that desperate yet. He's met Minseok so many times in so many different ways; he has some faith that it'll happen again this time. (He has less faith that it'll work out well, but one step at a time.)
And then the SM casting agent finds him and it's like the stars have aligned at last. He doesn't let himself consider failing the audition, and his faith is rewarded when they offer him a chance to train. He doesn't know where it'll go, but he's excited for the opportunity and everything he hopes will go with it.
He meets Minseok soon after he starts training, without even trying. They're in a dance class together (Minseok doing much better at it than Lu Han), and they talk for a few minutes after the class ends before Minseok asks him his name and Lu Han realizes he didn't bother to introduce himself.
Minseok seems genuinely confused by his name, which is funny but also hurts because it makes it abundantly clear that once again Minseok doesn't remember like Lu Han does. "I thought you were Korean," he says sheepishly. "I guess that explains why your grammar seemed kind of weird."
"I have good grammar!" Lu Han protests, sulking, which isn't really true, even if his Korean is better than that of most of the Chinese trainees. It's just easier to sulk about that than about what's really making him sad.
Lu Han tries his best to play it cool, but he's never been good at that, so he comes on pretty strong about wanting to be friends with Minseok. Minseok seems a little weirded out by it sometimes, but mostly he tolerates Lu Han, and in time, they become close. Not as close as Lu Han would like, because he still feels so much love for Minseok that he doesn't know what to do with it, but friendship is better than nothing.
He's afraid that life will separate them again, so he's overjoyed when EXO is formed and they're both part of it, even in the same subunit. It's exciting, being part of something big and looking forward to debuting, and he's happy to make friends with the other guys in the group too, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't happiest about being close to Minseok.
Things are good, sometimes, and sometimes they're bad and hard and exhausting, but overall Lu Han is happy in EXO. He remembers being an idol before, remembers being terribly lonely, but here there are eleven other guys in the same boat as him, and at least five around him when he performs. He never lacks for company, whether it's for practicing, shopping, getting bubble tea, or even showering.
And of course he has Minseok around all the time, which can be hard too, but mostly it's wonderful. He remembers so well the times when Minseok loved him back, but the Minseok by his side is real and alive and vibrant and even if they're only friends, that's better than any memory. He learns to be content with that, because he doubts he can expect much more in this lifetime. Idol life doesn't lend itself to relationships, and in any case, Minseok's never given any indication of being interested in more than friendship.
He's so sure that nothing will ever happen between them that he's shocked the day Minseok corners him during a rare quiet moment in the dorms one evening. "Can we talk?" he asks, and suddenly Lu Han is scared even though he hasn't been given any reason to be.
"Okay," he says warily, and lets Minseok pull him into his empty room. "What is it?"
Minseok bites his lip nervously, and Lu Han doesn't dare to hope. "I know we mess around a lot. Fanservice, sometimes, and sometimes just because. And I know it's not really anything, probably, and I shouldn't...I mean, you don't really..."
"What are you saying?" Lu Han asks when he trails off. His voice doesn't shake, even though on the inside he's incredibly nervous.
"Nevermind," Minseok says, turning away, but Lu Han grabs his arm and he turns back, brow furrowing in confusion.
"Just tell me," Lu Han says, letting go of him. "Whatever it is, it's okay."
"I..." Minseok's frown deepens, but he continues, "I like you. Not like a friend. I mean, like a friend, but also...not. It's a bad idea, I know, and you probably don't... But I thought I should tell you. Just in case." He looks up at last and meets Lu Han's eyes, and in spite of his words, there's hope in his expression.
Lu Han wants to grab him and hold him tight, wants to smile a ridiculously huge smile and kiss Minseok until neither of them can breathe, but he also doesn't want to make him regret his confession practically as soon as he's made it, so he restrains himself. "You're such an idiot," he says. "Could I be any more obvious about feeling the same?"
"It's..." Minseok is still frowning, like he's not quite sure about this. "There's so much fanservice. Sometimes I don't know what's real anymore. And you're like that with everyone, kind of."
"But you're special," Lu Han tells him. He's not good with words, really, especially words about feelings, but he's been waiting so long for this moment that he can say that much. "You've always been special."
Now Minseok just looks embarrassed, and Lu Han kind of is too, but he's too happy to care. "Let's just..." Minseok says, making a vague gesture that probably means he's had it with the awkward confession part of things, and Lu Han takes the hint and kisses him.
For just a second, he's afraid, like Minseok will say it was a joke or a hidden camera will appear from somewhere, but then Minseok is kissing him back and everything is right with the world.
And there's a part of him that's afraid, still, because he knows too well how this can, maybe will go wrong, and how much it'll hurt if it does, but he remembers giving up and he's not going to do that now. He's going to hold onto Minseok for as long as he can and if it ends badly, well, at least he'll have some more happy memories too.
It happens out of the blue one day, after enough time that Lu Han's long since resigned himself to being alone with his memories. "I had a dream about you last night," Minseok comments.
"Oh, really?" Lu Han leers at him and Minseok laughs and gives him a playful shove.
"Not that kind of dream. I dreamed about us together, but not the way we are now. We were kids playing together, and then we were on some kind of spaceship, and another time you were wearing this weird crown like a prince, and for a little while you even turned into a girl." He laughs again. "Weird, huh? I wonder where that came from."
Lu Han forgets to breathe, suddenly, his chest too full of hope. Is Minseok remembering? Is it possible, at last? Or is it just a bizarre coincidence waiting to crush his hopes into dust again?
Minseok gives him a funny look. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"Fine," Lu Han says. "I'm fine."
For a long moment, Minseok just looks at him, serious, considering. Finally, he says, "If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?"
"I promise," Lu Han answers immediately. Normally he wouldn't mean it, but this time he thinks he probably does. This is serious.
"Sometimes I feel like I know you better than I possibly could after only a few years," Minseok says, slowly like he's thinking it through before he speaks. "Like maybe I did know you as a childhood friend and a prince and maybe even a girl, and that's why this time around it was so easy to become friends, and to fall for you." He laughs yet again, but this time it's more from embarrassment than because it's funny. "Cheesy, right? But I can't help thinking about it sometimes. More and more, lately."
Lu Han can't find his voice to answer, and Minseok's brows knit. "What's up with you?" he asks. "You're acting weird all of a sudden."
One deep breath, and then another, and then Lu Han can say, "It's not cheesy. I feel that too. I...it's true." One more deep, steadying breath, and then he meets Minseok's eyes and says, "I remember everything."
Epilogue
They have many wonderful years together before they're separated again when Minseok dies of a heart attack in his sleep at the ripe old age of ninety-two. Even that is too soon for Lu Han, but after so many lifetimes of sorrow, he knows to appreciate the time they had.
He can't help wondering, in the lonely days that follow, if this is the last time. Now that they've finally found each other, now that they both remembered what came before and enjoyed a happy life together with that knowledge, is there no need for another chance?
They talked about it many times over the years, about what their memories were, about whether they'd truly lived all those lives. Minseok had favored the theory that they were somehow remembering alternate universes, lives that they had never lived but which they could have, if circumstances had been different. Lu Han had never really figured out what he believed, because that explanation made as much sense as anything, but his memories felt far too real not to be. The happiness, the pain, the misery, the hopeless yearning—he couldn't accept that it had never really happened, or at least not to him.
It didn't matter before, but now that the end of his life is no longer some hazy, far-off possibility, he has to consider what will happen after it. Is it time for him to face whatever comes after life, whether it's eternal nothingness or heaven or hell? Will he have to start all over in another life with no memories, or will he still have it all but find a Minseok who once again doesn't remember? Will they both remember and have another chance at happiness? Or will he start over completely fresh, searching for a new soulmate? It's hard to imagine, but anything is possible.
Death comes more slowly for Lu Han, but it comes, and when he finally gives in and closes his eyes at age ninety-six, his heart is full of fear and hope and still, most of all, love.
23
His name is Hwanuk and his thoughts are in Korean, but he remembers, as soon as he's old enough to make sense of the images, all the lives in which he was Lu Han or someone similar. He doesn't really understand the significance of it, and his parents are extremely confused when he asks, with childlike innocence, "Where's Minseokie?" They assume he has an invisible friend and cluck their tongues in worry but let him have what they think are his fantasies.
On the first day of elementary school, he looks shyly around at a sea of faces, and he's too young to understand the way his heart jumps when he sees one familiar face among all the strangers. The small, chubby-cheeked boy doesn't see him, looking down and fidgeting nervously with his sleeves, and Hwanuk is afraid without understanding why. What if he doesn't like me now? is how he childishly interprets the feeling.
At lunch, the other boy comes over to him, and Hwanuk's breath catches in his throat as he meets eyes that are too mature for their age, just like his own. "Hi. My name is Hwanuk," he says, because his mother has always taught him to be polite.
"My name is Minseok," the boy says, and his lips quirk up into an oh-so-familiar crooked smile. "I know you, Lu Han."
Minseok gets offered the radio gig when he's two years out of university and already has a real job, after Chanyeol decides that he can't continue it and go to med school at the same time. He almost says no because his real job doesn't leave him much free time either, but it brings back fond memories of his student days, and it's only two hours one night a week, so it shouldn't be too bad. "I know you'll do a great job, hyung!" Chanyeol tells him, and he lets himself give in to the flattery and accepts.
His DJing skills are rusty, but it comes back quickly enough. He remembers how to enunciate and sound excited about everything, and how to handle callers, and soon enough he finds himself enjoying it. It's a nice change of pace from his boring real job, something to keep him from feeling old at twenty-four.
He's been doing it for some three weeks the first time the guy calls in. He gives his name as Han and laughs when Minseok asks, "Like the river?"
"Sure," he agrees, in an amused tone that means it's not true at all. "Like the river."
"And where are you calling from?" Minseok asks.
"Beijing, actually."
"Huh," Minseok responds eloquently, because he hadn't even realized people could call from China. "Are you Chinese? Your Korean's very good."
"Thanks," Han says. "I studied hard." That seems to amuse him too, though Minseok can't understand why.
"And what do you want to tell us about today?" This is their free talk segment, where listeners call in with funny stories and Minseok gets to give a prize to the best one.
Han tells a story, not very well, about a friend who had a roommate who got homesick easily, and how his roommate started crying one night and his friend let the guy into his bed to comfort him and ended up having him fall asleep and cling to him all night. "And then the worst part was that his crush walked in on him the next morning and saw the two of them cuddling under the blankets and of course got the wrong idea. It was so awkward." He laughs at his own story, which makes Minseok roll his eyes but isn't at all uncommon.
"Thanks for your story," Minseok says. "Next up, we have listener KFPanda..."
In the end, Minseok gives the prize to another listener for her story about a disastrous family dinner, and he forgets about Han as quickly as he does most everyone who calls in, which is to say by the next morning.
Only two weeks later, there's another call from Han, and hearing the name triggers Minseok's memory. "Like the river?" he asks, a beat too late, but Han still laughs hard.
"So you remember me," he says, sounding pleased. "Yes, like the river."
Han's story today is about a friend who was a big fan of a male kpop group and went on message boards with a gender neutral name so he wouldn't look out of place among all the female fans. He befriended a particular user and was really worried when they started e-mailing privately that his new friend wouldn't want to talk to him once he admitted to being a guy, but then it turned out his friend was also a guy and he'd been worried about the same thing. "What a coincidence, right?"
Han doesn't win the prize that night either, but Minseok gives him "a special mention for being my first repeat caller."
And he keeps calling, not every week, but often enough that Minseok comes to expect it. His stories are never very good, either told badly or not very funny in the first place, but he tries so hard that Minseok can't help being a little charmed. The seventh time Han calls, Minseok gives him first place "because sometimes effort deserves to be rewarded even if your stories suck."
He thinks maybe that'll be the end of it, but Han calls again and again, until Minseok's reached the sixth-month mark and he's had fifteen calls from his favorite (and only) repeat caller.
The next week, Han calls as usual, but he opens with, "This is the last time I'm going to call."
"Why is that?" Minseok asks, surprised and a little sad. He's talked to Han so many times that it almost feels like they're friends, even though they don't really know each other at all.
"Because this is my last story," Han explains, sounding uncharacteristically serious. "It's not very funny, but I'd really like to tell it, if you'll let me."
"Sure," Minseok says. He probably shouldn't since the whole point of this corner is to tell funny stories, but it's not like Han's stories are usually very funny anyway.
"I know a guy," Han starts, "and he believes he can remember other lives. Not really past lives, more like alternate versions of himself. It doesn't make any sense, but he's really sure about it, and there's stuff he shouldn't know but does because of those memories, so who knows, maybe it's true?
"Anyway, there's a guy he meets in almost every one of those alternate versions, and he's got a huge thing for him. His friends, we thought he was crazy, but then one day he found this guy from his memories on the internet. He hoped, maybe, that this guy remembered those other versions of them too. That maybe there was someone else like him in the world, someone who would understand when no one else did.
"But he didn't want to sound like a nut, so he tried to talk to that person without telling him the whole truth, telling him about some of those memories and seeing if they rang any bells. He tried all kinds of stories from his memories, but nothing seemed to work, and eventually he had to admit that he's the only one who remembers.
"He was really sad about it, but he decided that maybe it's best to just let it go, to stop chasing after this person this time around and hope that maybe there'll be another version of them, someday, where they'll both remember and be happy together. It's too hard, feeling so much for someone and being a stranger to them."
He's right; it's not a funny story at all, and Minseok is at a loss for how to respond. It sounds crazy, and it also makes him feel like he's missing something, like there's something big Han isn't saying. But this is live radio and he can't sit there in silence and process it, so he says, "That's a sad story you've got there, Han. There's no happy ending?"
"No," Han says, and his voice is quiet and serious and nothing like it usually is when he calls in. "I guess there isn't. But thanks for letting me tell it, and all my other stories. Goodbye."
And then he hangs up, and a moment too late, Minseok makes the connection. "Wait!" he says. "This guy, the one telling stories, was...you?" But there's only silence, and the tech guy shakes his head when Minseok shoots him a look to ask if they can get Han back on the line. "Well..." Minseok says awkwardly, trying to figure out how to move on, his mind still caught up in what happened. "After that, how about we hear a funny story?"
He gets through the rest of the show on autopilot, his thoughts elsewhere, and he's relieved when it's finally over. "That was so weird," the tech guy comments. "I thought he was a little strange, calling so many times with such random stories, but that story today made him sound full-on crazy. What was he trying to say, that he thinks you and him are meant to be?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, not really listening. "But I guess we won't hear from him again."
And they don't, although Minseok keeps waiting and half hoping for one more call. He doesn't know what he'd say, if it happened, because Han's story is crazy and of course he doesn't remember someone he's never met, but he remembers how sad Han sounded when he said goodbye and he can't help feeling a little guilty about it.
After a year, Minseok hands off the radio show to someone else and he largely forgets about it, but every time someone says they have a funny story to tell, he always thinks, just a little bit, of his regular caller Han (like the river) and his unfunny stories.
22
This time, there are no dreams, no nightmares. He just knows, and in the same way, he knows not to tell anyone. Nobody notices his slips when he's young, and as he gets older, he learns to play it off as just being weird or not very bright. (To be fair, he is weird, even aside from his crazy memories, and not especially smart either.) No one ever asks too many questions, and he's good enough at pretending when they do.
He finds Minseok online when they're thirteen. It's only a small photo on his school's website, but it's enough to reassure him that Minseok exists in this world and there's a chance they'll meet someday. He gave up before, but this time around, he's decided to hope. Part of him wants to get on a plane to Korea right then and track Minseok down, but he's only thirteen, and also that would make Minseok think he's a psycho stalker. So he waits, talking comfort in his happier memories and occupying himself with planning how to get to Korea someday.
He reads online about Minseok in the Everysing contest, then finds out that he's started training with SM. It's hard to imagine the Minseok he knows (any of the Minseoks he's known,) as an idol, but stranger things have happened. It does make him easier to keep track of, since even trainee idols have the occasional fan, though he can't help feeling jealous of the girls who get close enough to take pictures of Minseok and the other trainees they photograph him with.
It takes some doing, but eventually Lu Han manages to convince his parents that he should go study at a Korean university. They're skeptical, but he spins it as best he can, reminds them that he's been wanting to learn Korean for a while so it's not just a phase. Finally, they reluctantly agree.
The problem is that once he gets to Korea, that's the extent of his plans, at least as far as Minseok. He can study Korean (because even though he remembers speaking it well, even fluently sometimes, there's too much else in his head to hold onto more than the basics), and try to enjoy life here, but he hasn't come this far only to never find a way to meet Minseok.
He contemplates standing outside the SM building like some fans do, but he's not (quite) that desperate yet. He's met Minseok so many times in so many different ways; he has some faith that it'll happen again this time. (He has less faith that it'll work out well, but one step at a time.)
And then the SM casting agent finds him and it's like the stars have aligned at last. He doesn't let himself consider failing the audition, and his faith is rewarded when they offer him a chance to train. He doesn't know where it'll go, but he's excited for the opportunity and everything he hopes will go with it.
He meets Minseok soon after he starts training, without even trying. They're in a dance class together (Minseok doing much better at it than Lu Han), and they talk for a few minutes after the class ends before Minseok asks him his name and Lu Han realizes he didn't bother to introduce himself.
Minseok seems genuinely confused by his name, which is funny but also hurts because it makes it abundantly clear that once again Minseok doesn't remember like Lu Han does. "I thought you were Korean," he says sheepishly. "I guess that explains why your grammar seemed kind of weird."
"I have good grammar!" Lu Han protests, sulking, which isn't really true, even if his Korean is better than that of most of the Chinese trainees. It's just easier to sulk about that than about what's really making him sad.
Lu Han tries his best to play it cool, but he's never been good at that, so he comes on pretty strong about wanting to be friends with Minseok. Minseok seems a little weirded out by it sometimes, but mostly he tolerates Lu Han, and in time, they become close. Not as close as Lu Han would like, because he still feels so much love for Minseok that he doesn't know what to do with it, but friendship is better than nothing.
He's afraid that life will separate them again, so he's overjoyed when EXO is formed and they're both part of it, even in the same subunit. It's exciting, being part of something big and looking forward to debuting, and he's happy to make friends with the other guys in the group too, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't happiest about being close to Minseok.
Things are good, sometimes, and sometimes they're bad and hard and exhausting, but overall Lu Han is happy in EXO. He remembers being an idol before, remembers being terribly lonely, but here there are eleven other guys in the same boat as him, and at least five around him when he performs. He never lacks for company, whether it's for practicing, shopping, getting bubble tea, or even showering.
And of course he has Minseok around all the time, which can be hard too, but mostly it's wonderful. He remembers so well the times when Minseok loved him back, but the Minseok by his side is real and alive and vibrant and even if they're only friends, that's better than any memory. He learns to be content with that, because he doubts he can expect much more in this lifetime. Idol life doesn't lend itself to relationships, and in any case, Minseok's never given any indication of being interested in more than friendship.
He's so sure that nothing will ever happen between them that he's shocked the day Minseok corners him during a rare quiet moment in the dorms one evening. "Can we talk?" he asks, and suddenly Lu Han is scared even though he hasn't been given any reason to be.
"Okay," he says warily, and lets Minseok pull him into his empty room. "What is it?"
Minseok bites his lip nervously, and Lu Han doesn't dare to hope. "I know we mess around a lot. Fanservice, sometimes, and sometimes just because. And I know it's not really anything, probably, and I shouldn't...I mean, you don't really..."
"What are you saying?" Lu Han asks when he trails off. His voice doesn't shake, even though on the inside he's incredibly nervous.
"Nevermind," Minseok says, turning away, but Lu Han grabs his arm and he turns back, brow furrowing in confusion.
"Just tell me," Lu Han says, letting go of him. "Whatever it is, it's okay."
"I..." Minseok's frown deepens, but he continues, "I like you. Not like a friend. I mean, like a friend, but also...not. It's a bad idea, I know, and you probably don't... But I thought I should tell you. Just in case." He looks up at last and meets Lu Han's eyes, and in spite of his words, there's hope in his expression.
Lu Han wants to grab him and hold him tight, wants to smile a ridiculously huge smile and kiss Minseok until neither of them can breathe, but he also doesn't want to make him regret his confession practically as soon as he's made it, so he restrains himself. "You're such an idiot," he says. "Could I be any more obvious about feeling the same?"
"It's..." Minseok is still frowning, like he's not quite sure about this. "There's so much fanservice. Sometimes I don't know what's real anymore. And you're like that with everyone, kind of."
"But you're special," Lu Han tells him. He's not good with words, really, especially words about feelings, but he's been waiting so long for this moment that he can say that much. "You've always been special."
Now Minseok just looks embarrassed, and Lu Han kind of is too, but he's too happy to care. "Let's just..." Minseok says, making a vague gesture that probably means he's had it with the awkward confession part of things, and Lu Han takes the hint and kisses him.
For just a second, he's afraid, like Minseok will say it was a joke or a hidden camera will appear from somewhere, but then Minseok is kissing him back and everything is right with the world.
And there's a part of him that's afraid, still, because he knows too well how this can, maybe will go wrong, and how much it'll hurt if it does, but he remembers giving up and he's not going to do that now. He's going to hold onto Minseok for as long as he can and if it ends badly, well, at least he'll have some more happy memories too.
It happens out of the blue one day, after enough time that Lu Han's long since resigned himself to being alone with his memories. "I had a dream about you last night," Minseok comments.
"Oh, really?" Lu Han leers at him and Minseok laughs and gives him a playful shove.
"Not that kind of dream. I dreamed about us together, but not the way we are now. We were kids playing together, and then we were on some kind of spaceship, and another time you were wearing this weird crown like a prince, and for a little while you even turned into a girl." He laughs again. "Weird, huh? I wonder where that came from."
Lu Han forgets to breathe, suddenly, his chest too full of hope. Is Minseok remembering? Is it possible, at last? Or is it just a bizarre coincidence waiting to crush his hopes into dust again?
Minseok gives him a funny look. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"Fine," Lu Han says. "I'm fine."
For a long moment, Minseok just looks at him, serious, considering. Finally, he says, "If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?"
"I promise," Lu Han answers immediately. Normally he wouldn't mean it, but this time he thinks he probably does. This is serious.
"Sometimes I feel like I know you better than I possibly could after only a few years," Minseok says, slowly like he's thinking it through before he speaks. "Like maybe I did know you as a childhood friend and a prince and maybe even a girl, and that's why this time around it was so easy to become friends, and to fall for you." He laughs yet again, but this time it's more from embarrassment than because it's funny. "Cheesy, right? But I can't help thinking about it sometimes. More and more, lately."
Lu Han can't find his voice to answer, and Minseok's brows knit. "What's up with you?" he asks. "You're acting weird all of a sudden."
One deep breath, and then another, and then Lu Han can say, "It's not cheesy. I feel that too. I...it's true." One more deep, steadying breath, and then he meets Minseok's eyes and says, "I remember everything."
Epilogue
They have many wonderful years together before they're separated again when Minseok dies of a heart attack in his sleep at the ripe old age of ninety-two. Even that is too soon for Lu Han, but after so many lifetimes of sorrow, he knows to appreciate the time they had.
He can't help wondering, in the lonely days that follow, if this is the last time. Now that they've finally found each other, now that they both remembered what came before and enjoyed a happy life together with that knowledge, is there no need for another chance?
They talked about it many times over the years, about what their memories were, about whether they'd truly lived all those lives. Minseok had favored the theory that they were somehow remembering alternate universes, lives that they had never lived but which they could have, if circumstances had been different. Lu Han had never really figured out what he believed, because that explanation made as much sense as anything, but his memories felt far too real not to be. The happiness, the pain, the misery, the hopeless yearning—he couldn't accept that it had never really happened, or at least not to him.
It didn't matter before, but now that the end of his life is no longer some hazy, far-off possibility, he has to consider what will happen after it. Is it time for him to face whatever comes after life, whether it's eternal nothingness or heaven or hell? Will he have to start all over in another life with no memories, or will he still have it all but find a Minseok who once again doesn't remember? Will they both remember and have another chance at happiness? Or will he start over completely fresh, searching for a new soulmate? It's hard to imagine, but anything is possible.
Death comes more slowly for Lu Han, but it comes, and when he finally gives in and closes his eyes at age ninety-six, his heart is full of fear and hope and still, most of all, love.
23
His name is Hwanuk and his thoughts are in Korean, but he remembers, as soon as he's old enough to make sense of the images, all the lives in which he was Lu Han or someone similar. He doesn't really understand the significance of it, and his parents are extremely confused when he asks, with childlike innocence, "Where's Minseokie?" They assume he has an invisible friend and cluck their tongues in worry but let him have what they think are his fantasies.
On the first day of elementary school, he looks shyly around at a sea of faces, and he's too young to understand the way his heart jumps when he sees one familiar face among all the strangers. The small, chubby-cheeked boy doesn't see him, looking down and fidgeting nervously with his sleeves, and Hwanuk is afraid without understanding why. What if he doesn't like me now? is how he childishly interprets the feeling.
At lunch, the other boy comes over to him, and Hwanuk's breath catches in his throat as he meets eyes that are too mature for their age, just like his own. "Hi. My name is Hwanuk," he says, because his mother has always taught him to be polite.
"My name is Minseok," the boy says, and his lips quirk up into an oh-so-familiar crooked smile. "I know you, Lu Han."
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Date: 2013-12-21 01:21 pm (UTC)...
I think I died just a little bit in my heart
SO MANY HEARTBROKEN ENDINGS I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAT THROUGH ALL THAT?!?!?
Part 19 was definitely my favourite part, including the last two but AaarrtghgguUdsfhj they all made me sad. Actually no nineteen didn't make me sad maybe that's why favourite?!?
I DON'T KNOW BUT I LOVE THIS