Seokmonsters Part 1

[sparklepox]

Title: Ever After
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 20,264
Warnings: major character death (but there's life after death so it's okay)
Summary: Life and death separate Minseok and Lu Han, and it's up to love to bring them back together.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to Difa and Kayleigh for holding my hand through this and helping me when I got stuck. ♥ Originally posted here at seokmonsters.


Part 1

The first time Minseok cries in front of Lu Han is the day he dies.

It all happens so fast. One day, Lu Han is a little sick, coughing and sniffling, but neither of them thinks anything of it. Two days later, his fever spikes high enough that Minseok drags him to the hospital, trying not to panic as a disoriented Lu Han keeps switching between Korean and rapid-fire Chinese. That very same night sees him fighting for his life despite the antibiotics the doctors have pumped into him.

It's approaching four in the morning when Lu Han wakes out of a fitful sleep. (Minseok hasn't closed his eyes for a second since they arrived in the hospital, afraid of what he might wake up to.) He looks right at Minseok and for a moment Minseok hopes, but then Lu Han frowns and asks in Chinese, "Where am I?"

The question is simple enough for Minseok to understand, but he can't formulate an answer in Chinese, so he says, "In the hospital" in Korean. He watches Lu Han, desperately willing him to understand, but his frown only deepens. Moments later, his eyes unfocus and he slumps back against his pillow, eyes closing again.

Minseok hasn't slept in twenty-one hours and he's never seen anything like this and he's scared, really scared that he's losing Lu Han. "Please," he whispers as tears well up in his eyes. "Please, Lu Han, you have to fight this." Words fail him and he covers his face with his hands as the tears spill over, crying harder than he has since he was a little kid.

He cries until he has no tears left and then he looks up and finds Lu Han lying still, eyes closed, unaware. That hurts like a knife to his chest, but Minseok can't cry anymore, so he just takes Lu Han's hand and sits and waits and prays. It's so hard to not be able to do anything, but at the very least, he'll stay by Lu Han's side. He won't leave Lu Han to suffer alone.

Two hours later, Lu Han's parents arrive from Beijing. They're utterly distraught, expecting the worst, but Minseok is at a loss for how to comfort them when he's barely hanging on himself. He struggles to communicate with them, but he has nothing good to say anyway, nothing more than faint and quite possibly vain hope to offer.

Three hours after that, without ever opening his eyes to see his parents and Minseok at his side, Lu Han dies.



* * *


Lu Han opens his eyes to an unfamiliar landscape. It's not so much that anything stands out as strange or different. Rather, nothing stands out in this nondescript place, his gaze gliding over the scenery without really registering anything in it. Nothing, that is, until he notices a man standing nearby, watching him curiously like he's waiting for something.

"Where are we?" Lu Han asks, but he realizes as soon as the words are out of his mouth that that's the least of his questions. He knows his name is Lu Han, in some fundamental way that he can't explain, but he doesn't know how old he is or where he's from or what he was doing before he opened his eyes here. He knows what sleeping and waking are, but he doesn't know if he's asleep or awake, doesn't even remember ever falling asleep or waking up. He knows, in that same fundamental way, the person that he is, but he doesn't know how he became that person. He doesn't remember any people or places or experiences before this.

The strange man waits without answering, as if he knows what's going through Lu Han's head. He may not be a mind reader (Lu Han is pretty sure that that's impossible), but it's clear from his thoughtful expression that he knows more than Lu Han does. "How did I get here?" Lu Han asks him. "Do you know who I am?"

"I don't." The man's dimpled smile seems incongruous, even though Lu Han doesn't feel upset, only confused. "I'm Yixing, by the way. What's your name?"

"Lu Han. But I don't remember anything else."

"That's all right," Yixing tells him. "Just be patient and you'll remember everything soon enough." It's strange, when he still has no idea what's going on or who Yixing is, for Lu Han to feel reassured, but he does.

"What is this place?" Lu Han asks. "How did I get here?"

"So many questions." Judging by his unwavering smile, Yixing doesn't really mind. "You're in between, and you're here because you died."

"I what?" The calmness Lu Han was feeling disappears in an instant as Yixing's words hit him like a ton of bricks. "I died? How did I die?"

"That I don't know," Yixing says sympathetically. "You may remember along with everything else, but if you feel shocked, that probably means it was sudden."

"I..." Lu Han frowns, searching his mind for some hint. There's nothing to explain how he died, but he does remember one piece of information that wasn't there before. "I'm twenty-nine. Only twenty-nine. I shouldn't be dead at twenty-nine."

Yixing shakes his head. "Death comes for everyone, I'm afraid. I escorted a four-year-old girl once."

Lu Han doesn't want to think about four-year-olds dying, so he focuses on the rest of what Yixing said. "Escorted? Is that what you're here for, to escort me somewhere?"

"Yes." Yixing's smile returns full force. "I'm going to escort you to heaven whenever you're ready."

"Ready?" Lu Han asks. He's still reeling from the knowledge that he's dead, but his curiosity about what awaits him after is an effective distraction. "What do I have to do to be ready, remember everything?"

Yixing laughs, but not unkindly. "All you have to do is get up." He walks over and offers Lu Han a hand. "What do you say? Ready?"

Lu Han doesn't think he's ready to accept that he's dead, and he hasn't the faintest idea if he's ready for whatever he'll find in heaven, but there's no use just sitting here. He's ready to get up, at least. "Sure." He grabs Yixing's hand and pulls himself up. "Let's go."



* * *


Minseok passes the first few weeks after Lu Han's death in a daze. He goes to his office and mechanically completes his work, but he hardly looks at anyone, never says a word he doesn't have to. He can't deal with people and their pity, can't let himself think too much or feel anything because when he does, it'll hurt more than he can bear.

His friends help out the best they can, taking turns bringing food and making sure he eats it, keeping the apartment clean, dealing with the mundane tasks that follow a death that neither Lu Han's parents nor Minseok can handle right now. Minseok is dimly aware of what they're doing and he'll feel grateful when he starts feeling again, but there's only so much they can do. They can't bring Lu Han back, and none of them have any magical words to say to make this all right.

His parents also do what they can, and even his little sister, who's never taken care of him before, checks up on him regularly. Minseok is lucky to have so many people who worry about him, but he doesn't feel lucky. Mostly he feels tired, tired and empty. He never would've thought he'd be the kind of person to fall apart like this over losing someone, even the love of his life, but he also never would've thought he'd lose Lu Han so young or so suddenly. It's knocked his feet out from under him and he can't seem to get back up.

"Do you want to talk, hyung?" Jongdae asks one night when it's his turn to bring over food. He looks tired, Minseok notes, and sad; Lu Han was his friend too, and it can't be easy to deal with losing him while also looking after Minseok. "I'm worried about you. Isn't there anything we can do?"

Minseok feels guilty, but distantly, like the emotion is there but barely touching him. It's not enough to pull him out of this dark hole he's fallen into. "Don't worry about me," he says. "I'll be okay." He can see from Jongdae's expression that it's not convincing, but it's all he's got.

Jongdae puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes a little too tight. "I understand if you're not ready. You don't have to rush. But when you are ready to talk, or if you need anything at all, don't forget you have friends, okay? Any time, just call."

He still sounds so sad, and Minseok doesn't know what to say, so he pulls Jongdae into a hug, hoping that's enough. He also hopes it's not a lie when he repeats, "I'll be okay. I promise."



* * *


It's a strange place, this "in between," as Yixing calls it. It's not that there's nothing there, Lu Han thinks, but no matter how much he looks around, his eyes can't seem to focus on anything specific. It bothers him at first, but soon enough, he stops paying attention. There are better things to focus on than the scenery.

They've been walking for what feels like hours, though Lu Han's watch hasn't budged and he doesn't feel tired. The only thing that's changed is that he knows a little more about himself, memories creeping in painfully slowly to fill the massive gaps in his mind.

He knows that his name is Lu Han and he was born in Beijing, but he lived in Seoul when he died at age twenty-nine. He doesn't remember what his job was, but he can picture the office where he did it, and the faces of coworkers whose names and personalities he can't remember. He remembers the kitchen of the apartment he lived in but not the bedroom, and he remembers that someone lived there with him, but not who it was.

"Shouldn't I remember the important things first?" he asks Yixing. "If there was someone I loved, I should remember them before my coworkers."

Yixing shrugs. "If there's a logic to the way people remember, I haven't figured it out yet. Just be patient. It'll all come back in time."

"How long is this walk to heaven anyway? Why is it so far away?"

"You may be ready to go toward heaven, but you're not ready to go in. The walk will be as long as it needs to be." Yixing smiles enigmatically, to Lu Han's annoyance.

"If we're going to be traveling for a while, you should at least be better company," Lu Han grumbles.

That makes Yixing laugh. "All right, then. I'll do my best."

For a while, Lu Han ignores the slow expansion of his memories and asks Yixing questions about himself and the journey to heaven. Yixing answers everything readily until Lu Han asks, "What's heaven like?"

He doesn't balk at the question, only answers, "I don't know. I've never been there."

"What? But you said you're dead, right?"

"I am." Yixing is still smiling, seemingly amused by Lu Han's confusion. "But instead of going right into heaven, I became an angel."

"An angel?" Lu Han looks Yixing up and down. Even with that cute smile and those dimples, he doesn't fit Lu Han's image of an angel. "You're an angel?"

"I guess we're not the traditional kind of angels," Yixing explains. "We're the ones responsible for guiding souls to heaven."

"But..." Lu Han has so many questions he doesn't know where to start. "Why didn't you go into heaven?"

"I wasn't ready, even after I remembered everything." For the first time, there's something guarded in Yixing's expression that tells Lu Han he shouldn't ask why, but only a moment later, Yixing goes back to smiling as he continues, "So I decided to become an angel, and I really like it. I get to talk to so many interesting people."

"Am I interesting?" There's a lot more Lu Han wants to know, but this seems like a safe question.

Sure enough, Yixing's smile widens. "You seem like it so far. Have you remembered anything else interesting about yourself?"

Lu Han lets him change the subject, stopping to search for new pieces in his memories. "I remember...the hospital, I think." He frowns, trying to make sense of the images. His other memories have holes in them, some gaping, but this is different, like what he saw and felt is distorted, blurred. "I don't know why. I don't remember being sick. Or, wait...I had a cold before that. But people don't die of colds. What happened to me?"

"You may never remember," Yixing says sympathetically. "Does it really matter?"

Lu Han is curious, but Yixing is right that it doesn't matter. Dead is dead, whatever the reason. "I guess not." He considers his memories again. "There was someone with me in the hospital. It was...my parents? Oh, I remember my parents! But someone else too. Probably the person I lived with, right? Why can't I remember him?"

"Him?" Yixing echoes, startling Lu Han as he realizes what he said. Yixing smiles at that. "See? You do remember something. Just be patient."

One thing Lu Han does remember is that he was never a particularly patient person, but there's nothing else he can do right now, so he nods. "I'll try," he says, "but I hope I remember soon."



* * *


It takes three and a half weeks after Lu Han dies for the protective wall Minseok's put up around himself to crack, and when it happens, it's sudden, unexpected. It's Sunday morning and he's just gotten up from the couch where he's been sleeping because he can't stand waking up and expecting Lu Han to be next to him in bed. He stumbles sleepily to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, looking around for something to have for breakfast. It's nearly empty, and he doesn't feel hungry anyway, so he closes the door again.

He's done this often enough in the last few weeks, when he remembered to eat without prodding. There's no reason for this time to be any different except that he looks up and for the first time he registers the note stuck to the door with a cute magnet advertising a plumbing company. It's a shopping list with only two things on it, dish soap and rice, nothing remarkable about it except that it's in Lu Han's handwriting.

It's just a shopping list, a little shopping list that Minseok has looked at before without noticing it, but it's a shopping list that Lu Han wrote before he died. He'll never write another one, never ask Minseok to pick something up on the way home from work or stand in this kitchen laughing as he realizes they're out of something important, and somehow this stupid little shopping list is the last straw that pushes Minseok out of this haze he's been living in and makes him finally face the fact that Lu Han is gone forever.

It hits him like a ton of bricks, making him grab the handle on the refrigerator door to keep from falling to his knees. He's barely aware that there are tears welling up in his eyes because it doesn't even really feel like sadness yet; it just hurts. Lu Han is gone and a whole future of him being gone stretches out before Minseok and he can't even begin to know how to cope with that, but he doesn't have a choice. Lu Han is gone and he's never coming back.

Minseok doesn't know how long he stays there, slumped against the refrigerator, crying his eyes out like he's not sure he ever has before, not even the night Lu Han died. Only once he's cried himself out does he make it as far as their little kitchen table, slumping into a chair and putting his head down on his arms, drawing in loud, shaky breaths.

Lu Han would laugh at you, he tells himself. Well, first he'd laugh awkwardly and then he'd panic and hug you, but in the end he'd laugh again. 'So tough guy Kim Minseok can cry.' It's so easy to imagine Lu Han doing all of that, and for a second it makes Minseok feel a little better, but then it just hurts again.

He doesn't realize he's been sitting like that for hours until he hears the door open (and he hates that for one awful second, he thinks it's Lu Han). With everyone who's been coming by recently, he left a spare key out for them, and he can't remember who's supposed to come today. He hopes it's not his sister, who he doesn't want to see him like this, or his parents, who hurt whenever they see him hurting. Jongdae would be okay, or Junmyeon, who is good at comforting and has no room to talk about anyone else crying.

"Hyung, are you here?" It's Baekhyun, and Minseok thinks that might be even worse than his family. Baekhyun means well, but he knows how to deal with emotional scenes even less than Lu Han did.

Minseok doesn't answer, not trusting his voice, but the apartment isn't that big and Baekhyun finds him quickly, running into the kitchen. "What's wrong? Hyung? Are you okay?" He puts his hands on Minseok's shoulders and shakes like he thinks he's asleep or unconscious.

Reluctantly, Minseok lifts his head. He must look terrible after all that crying, but there's no hiding now. Judging by the way Baekhyun's eyes go wide, he's not thinking about that anyway. "Did something happen?"

"I saw the shopping list." Minseok chokes on the last word, and he's afraid he might cry again, but he manages not to.

Baekhyun is understandably baffled. "What are you talking about?"

"The shopping list." Minseok gestures toward the fridge. "Lu Han wrote it."

"Oh." He can see the wariness in Baekhyun's expression as he tries to figure out the right thing to do, fidgeting nervously for a few long moments before he gives up. "I'm sorry, hyung. I don't know what to say. You know I'm useless at comforting people. Just...tell me what I can do."

Minseok doesn't know himself if there's anything Baekhyun can do. Nothing will change the situation, but he doesn't want to be alone right now. "You don't have to say anything. It's better if you don't. But stay?"

Baekhyun looks nervous at the prospect, but then he steels himself and nods firmly. "Okay. Whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thank you," Minseok says, and then he puts his head down on the table because he's not ready for anything more. Baekhyun's hand finds its way to his back in a hesitant but comforting touch, and Minseok thinks, as he focuses on breathing steadily, that maybe everything hurts just a little bit less than before.



* * *


Lu Han hasn't slept, but it feels like he's been in between for days on end. "How does it work?" he asks Yixing. "Is there no night here? How long have we been walking?"

Yixing shrugs like he doesn't even care to know. "Time passes here, or it seems to, but there's no night, so there are no days to count, and we don't need to sleep. It'll be easier for you if you stop thinking of this place and yourself in human terms. We're not on earth, and you're not really human anymore. Time doesn't matter to you."

It's not a satisfactory answer, but Lu Han has better things to think about. His memories are still trickling in at the same pace, and it's maddeningly slow, but little by little, the gaps are closing. He remembers most of his childhood, and he remembers working for the Seoul branch of a Chinese manufacturing company. He remembers being in the hospital, but it's in jumbled fragments that he can't piece together, still distorted.

As for the person who was there with him in the hospital, the person he lived with, he remembers only fleeting moments and isolated details. He remembers a charmingly crooked smile and small hands cupping his cheeks. He remembers someone calling him "Lu-ge" in accented Mandarin but nothing of the context. Most frustrating of all, he remembers the love he felt for this person, and yet he can't remember who he is.

And then it comes, out of the blue. "Minseok," Lu Han tells Yixing, breaking off in the middle of a question that no longer seems important. "His name is Minseok." Lu Han has no reason to doubt his memories, but beyond that, there's a familiarity to the name in his mouth that makes him sure it's right.

"Your boyfriend?" Yixing asks. It's the first time either of them has referred to him as that, but it feels right too. Lu Han nods, and Yixing grins. "Now we're talking. It'll all come back to you soon enough."

And it does, bit by bit. He remembers Kim Minseok, the same age as him (he has yet to remember the explanation for the "Lu-ge" thing), his boyfriend of almost six years before he died. He remembers Minseok in their shared apartment, laughing sometimes and serious other times, Minseok sleeping curled up beside him, Minseok sitting next to him on the couch watching TV, Minseok lying draped across him with his hands in Lu Han's hair and his lips on Lu Han's.

Then he remembers Minseok in the hospital and stops walking abruptly. "He cried." Lu Han notices how choked up he sounds before he registers the emotions that hit him together with that memory. It's hazy like everything he remembers from the hospital, nothing more than the broken sound of Minseok's voice, but it's enough to hurt. "He never cried, no matter what happened, but he cried over me in the hospital." He breathes in sharply, feeling like he might cry himself. "We were happy together. We were happy and then I made him cry and now he's alone."

For the first time since Lu Han arrived in between, he really thinks about what it means. He's been focused on his curiosity about this strange place and his missing memories, but this isn't some fun adventure; he's here because he's dead. The life that gave him all those memories is gone for good, all his hopes and dreams for the future cut short, and he's left Minseok and his parents and all the friends he's remembered behind to mourn him.

Yixing comes up behind him and plants his hands on Lu Han's shoulders, rubbing comfortingly. "Isn't there anything I can do?" Lu Han asks plaintively. "It can't be over just like that."

"I'm sorry," is all Yixing says, but that's answer enough. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much he desperately wishes he could have more time, he's dead, and there's no going back.



* * *


It gets better. Not immediately, not even soon, but little by little, it gets better. Waking up to life means having to deal with the pain of losing Lu Han, but it also means that Minseok can feel positive emotions again. He feels gratitude toward the friends and family who have stuck by his side, and love for them. He can smile when something good happens, and eventually laugh again. Perhaps most importantly, he can start to feel hope that he'll get through this.

There's a guilt that comes with that feeling, because moving on feels like letting go of Lu Han and Minseok isn't ready to do that, but he does the best he can to cope with all his complicated emotions, and to let himself lean on the people around him when he can't. Everyone tells him that it'll get easier, and he can only hope that they're right.

Minseok moves out of the apartment he and Lu Han shared four months after Lu Han's death. He can afford the rent alone, but it's a stretch, and he thinks he'll be happier in a smaller place, somewhere that doesn't feel too empty and doesn't remind him of Lu Han in so many little ways. He doesn't want to forget, but it's too much like this.

A small army of friends descends to help him pack, which is a little overwhelming, but mostly a relief. The noise distracts him from thinking too much about how Lu Han bought him that silly hamster face coffee cup that's going into a box, or remembering as he wipes down the bedroom window how Lu Han looked out it on the day they moved in and joked that he was checking whether anyone would be able to see them if they had sex against it. Some memories make him smile, but it hasn't been long enough yet for them not to hurt.

Junmyeon takes it upon himself to collect Lu Han's remaining things, like the clothes Minseok never took out of their drawers or the work bag he shoved in the back of the closet. "I'll sort through it and contact his parents to see if there's anything they want," Junmyeon says, and Minseok thanks him, grateful that he doesn't have to face the task himself.

The downside of having so much help is that it seems like no time at all before everything is packed up and cleaned and it's time to leave. Minseok knows it's the right decision, but it feels too final, like he's closing the door on the Lu Han chapter of his life. It's been hard living here alone the last few months, but he has so many happy memories of this apartment too.

"Do you want a minute alone?" Jongdae asks when all the boxes have been carried out. Minseok hesitates for only a moment before he nods.

The apartment looks so empty and it feels so quiet with everyone gone, too quiet. Minseok bites his lip and clenches his fists as he looks around; he's not going to cry now. Instead, he takes a steadying breath and faces his memories, good and bad.

He remembers exactly how Lu Han laughed when he made a mess of their kitchen with a frying experiment gone wrong, and how he promised to make it up to Minseok when they were done cleaning. He remembers Lu Han's shy smile when he brought home flowers on the first anniversary they spent living together, and the way the flowers smelled squished between them when Minseok kissed him after. He remembers watching TV together and talking and sleeping side by side, the feel of Lu Han's hands on his skin and the way Lu Han looked at him like nothing else in the world mattered.

He remembers other things too: fights, usually over stupid things, or nights when they were too tired after work to say a word to each other. He remembers worrying about paying rent, and Lu Han miserably considering moving back to Beijing where he could be close to his parents and not forever feel like an outsider. Life wasn't perfect for them, and there's no reason to pretend it was just because Lu Han died.

But most of all, Minseok remembers that Lu Han was here, that the two of them lived here and were happy here and nothing can change that. No matter how much time passes, no matter what the future brings, Minseok won't forget that. For himself, and for Lu Han too, Minseok won't let go of those memories.



* * *


Lu Han wishes he could sleep so that he could have a reprieve from his thoughts. It's quiet and peaceful here, in between with Yixing, but he can't appreciate it. He's still struggling with the realization that his human life is over and everything that went with it is gone beyond his reach, and with his worries for the people he left behind.

"Will it feel better when I get to heaven?" he asks Yixing.

"It doesn't work like that," Yixing tells him gently. "It's like waiting for your memories to come back. You have to be patient and trust that you'll find your peace in time. By the time you get to heaven, you won't need to feel better anymore. You'll be ready to let go of the past and go in."

"And if I'm not?" Lu Han presses.

"We'll worry about that if it happens," Yixing says. "No use borrowing trouble." Before Lu Han can argue, he continues, "Tell me more about Minseok. Or something else, if you like, but tell me about a happy memory."

It seems like that should be counterproductive, but surely Yixing knows better than Lu Han what will help. Reluctantly, he searches his mind for a good choice, something to make them smile. "There was one time I got the stupid idea to make doughnuts. I made a mess just preparing them, and then I screwed up the frying and splattered oil all over the kitchen. Minseok always kept everything clean so he was so annoyed with me, but he helped me clean up anyway."

"That was nice of him," Yixing comments.

Lu Han laughs. "I made it up to him with a blowjob in the shower after. I'm not sure if it was a fair trade for that much cleaning, but he seemed okay with it." Too late, he remembers who he's talking to. "Uh, sorry. Is it weird to talk about blowjobs to an angel?"

Now Yixing laughs, only looking more innocent as his dimples flash. "Don't worry about it. I was human too, you know." That makes Lu Han curious, but before he can pry, Yixing asks, "Got any other good stories?"

With his tongue loosened, Lu Han tells Yixing about his life with Minseok, and about his other friends in Seoul, and some stories about his childhood too. Yixing provides a good audience, laughing and asking questions and teasing sometimes when Lu Han reveals something embarrassing, and the heaviness in Lu Han's heart gradually lessens as he focuses on his good memories. For all that his life was much shorter than he thought it would be, there was a lot in it, and he and the people in his life had a lot of happy moments together.

"Do you feel better?" Yixing asks after a while.

"A little," Lu Han concedes.

Yixing beams like this is some big accomplishment. "I know it's hard when everything ends so suddenly, but there's no use dwelling on what's gone. You have to remember the good things that you did have, and trust that the people you left behind will remember you but be all right without you."

Lu Han breathes out loudly and then squares his shoulders, determined. He's never been the type to dwell on things, and even if this is bigger than anything he's faced before, he shouldn't start now. Minseok is tough, and he has a lot of good friends around him; he'll be okay. His parents too, they're strong and they have each other for support. He has to believe in them, and do his best to be strong too.

"All right. Let's get on with it. It's about time we got to heaven."



* * *


Minseok doesn't really want to go out, but it's Amber's birthday, so it's hard to say no when she asks. "Come on, hyung, you haven't come out in forever," she whines. (Four years of friendship and he still doesn't understand why she calls him hyung.) "It'll be fun, I promise."

The truth is that he hasn't come out for anything big since Lu Han, and that's more than five months. His friends have been patient, understanding, but it's not fair to them if he keeps missing important moments, and it's probably not good for him either. Lu Han was always more fond of going out and doing things than Minseok, so with him, Minseok never sat home for long. Now, it's up to him to make sure he's not home alone all the time.

"All right," he says, forcing some false enthusiasm into his voice. "I'll be there."

Amber has a lot of friends, so there are a ton of people there when Minseok arrives at the restaurant. The birthday girl yells a greeting from the other end of the table, but then Minseok is left to find himself a place. Junmyeon waves him over, and Minseok takes a seat between him and Sehun. "You made it!" Junmyeon says with a smile. Sehun, who isn't quite so tactful, doesn't hide his surprise at seeing Minseok here.

At first, Minseok feels awkward. He's never been the type to enjoy large groups of people, and it's been so long since he came to a party like this that he feels like he's forgotten how to behave. It's been even longer since he came to a party like this alone, without Lu Han by his side to talk to and laugh with, and try as he might, he can't help thinking about that. He tells himself that he just needs to make it through an hour and then he can find an excuse to slip out and go home, where at least he can feel lonely in peace instead of in a noisy crowd.

But the company is good, with lots of entertaining conversation that Minseok can nod along to without having to talk, and Sehun keeps refilling Minseok's glass the second he empties it, until Minseok's head is spinning and everything is infinitely funnier. He laughs a lot, and by the time the big group disperses, his awkwardness is forgotten and he realizes that he did actually have fun, in the end.

He doesn't notice quite how drunk he's gotten until Junmyeon takes his elbow and says, "Why don't we head home together?"

"I'm fine," Minseok protests, but he lets Junmyeon herd him into a taxi anyway.

"Did you have a good time?" Junmyeon asks once he gives the driver Minseok's address.

"I did." The world feels unsteady, so Minseok puts his head down on Junmyeon's shoulder.

"It's nice to see you smiling again." Junmyeon's voice goes soft, and it takes Minseok a few seconds in his current state to register why.

Once he does, though, it cuts right through the drunken haze as he realizes that he forgot all about Lu Han not being there. It's not as if he has to think about Lu Han all the time, but so many things remind Minseok of him, especially when he's with their mutual friends. How could he just forget about Lu Han's absence and have such a good time like nothing was missing?

If he was more sober, he could probably reason with himself, talk himself out of feeling bad when he hasn't truly done anything wrong. Unfortunately, he's past the point of reason and so he can't stop the stab of guilt that accompanies that realization, or the worry that this is only the beginning. Is he going to think about Lu Han less and less with time, until he's hardly on his mind at all? That might be easier, less painful, but isn't that terribly selfish of him?

"Are you okay?" Junmyeon asks, even softer.

"What if I forget him?" Minseok's forehead is resting on Junmyeon's shoulder and his words are muffled, but Junmyeon hears him anyway.

"Lu Han?" he asks hesitantly.

Minseok lifts his head to nod miserably. "I forgot. I had fun and I forgot he wasn't there and what if I forget him completely?"

"What are you talking about? You could never forget him." Junmyeon sounds lost, probably none too sober himself.

"Can't I? I don't want to, but what if it happens?" It comes out pleading, and Junmyeon shakes his head vigorously.

"You won't forget him. But it's okay, you know, if you have fun and don't think about him all the time. He wouldn't want you to be sad."

"How do you know that?"

Junmyeon laughs, a laugh that's amused but also sad. "Don't tell me you've forgotten the way Lu Han always fussed over you. He'd never want you to be sad because of him or anything else."

He's right, and even drunk and a little hysterical, Minseok knows that. He sighs and drops his head back to Junmyeon's shoulder. "I miss him. But I miss him less and I don't know if that's okay."

Junmyeon startles Minseok by pulling him into a tight hug. "It's okay," he says firmly. "Whatever you feel, it's okay."

Minseok's in no condition to figure out if he agrees with that right now, but he lets himself be comforted. If nothing else, Junmyeon is right that Lu Han always hated to see him sad. He's also sure that Lu Han wouldn't want to be forgotten, but Minseok can't believe that'll really happen. He'll just have to hope that if Lu Han is watching from somewhere and he sees Minseok thinking about him less and smiling without him more, he'll understand.



* * *


Lu Han thought that as soon as he'd decided he was ready to get to heaven, he would, but it seems it doesn't work like that. He and Yixing have been walking for what feels like days and it's not as painful as it was before, but he's still tired of being in limbo, waiting without any idea of how long it'll last.

"Sorry," Yixing says when he complains, smiling sheepishly. "I don't know any more than you do about when we'll get there. I guess you're not quite ready yet."

That makes sense, but it's not what Lu Han wants to hear. "How am I supposed to be ready, then?" He sighs heavily. "What happened to you? Did you get to heaven and decide not to go in or just keep walking until you got sick of it?"

Yixing laughs at that, but Lu Han thinks there's something a little forced about it. "I got as far as the gate, but I decided I wasn't ready to go in."

"So you can get there without being ready!" Lu Han protests.

"Maybe so. I think for me, it's that I was ready to make my decision to not go in."

Lu Han can't help wondering if that's how it'll be for him. Yixing seems happy enough, so perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to become an angel, but isn't he supposed to want to go to heaven? It's heaven, after all. "Why didn't you go in?" Lu Han asks. Thinking about his own situation, he asks, "Did you have someone you loved too?"

Yixing's almost omnipresent smile turns a little wry now, but tender at the same time. "I did, but not like that. Growing up, I was very close to my grandmother. She took care of me a lot, so I always told her I'd take care of her when she got old."

"So you're waiting for your grandmother?" It's sweet, but it's not the kind of story Lu Han expected.

Yixing doesn't seem offended by his reaction. "I couldn't take care of her the way I promised, but at least when it's her turn, I can see her peacefully to heaven."

"That's it?" Lu Han asks. "You put off going to heaven just so you could guide one person there after who knows how many years?"

"I like being an angel. I can meet all kinds of interesting people and help them when they need it. I didn't entirely understand what I was getting into when I made my decision, but I don't regret it. I wasn't ready then, but when I decide to go in at last, I will be."

"You still can?"

"Of course!" Yixing says, like it's a childishly silly question. "Did you think it was now or never?" Lu Han shrugs, embarrassed, and Yixing softens. "If you're thinking about not going in, I can't tell you if that's the right choice. It was for me, but each person is different. It's your choice to make, and I think that when you're ready to make it, that's when we'll get to heaven."

So Lu Han keeps walking and keeps thinking. Maybe for Yixing, choosing to become an angel was as simple as wanting to keep his promise to his grandmother, but Lu Han doesn't know what's right for him. There's a part of him that still doesn't want to let go of his life and especially of Minseok, but is that reason enough to not go into heaven? He suspects that if Minseok were here, he'd say Lu Han was an idiot for even considering it, but if Minseok were here with him, there'd be nothing to consider.

It won't bring him back to life, and it won't let him be with Minseok again. Yixing's grandmother may not have many years left, but Minseok is still young, and Lu Han could be waiting a long time for him. For all he knows, Minseok will find someone else now that he's gone, fall in love again, and by the time he arrives in between, Lu Han will be only a fond but distant memory to him. Waiting for Minseok is not reason enough for Lu Han to stay here, no matter how much he loved (and still loves) Minseok.

But however many times he goes over the idea in his head, he doesn't feel ready to leave everything behind, not even for paradise. He's too young, his death too sudden, and there's too much he still can't let go of. Satisfied with his decision, he stops walking abruptly. Yixing stops after one more step and turns to him, and Lu Han braces himself. "I'm not ready. I don't want to go in." It feels terrifying to say that, even though he knows it's not forever, but he doesn't waver.

Yixing opens his mouth to reply, but stops because suddenly, as though they've reached the top of a hill without moving, Lu Han sees a brilliantly glowing gate in front of them. It's impossible to describe, not like the rest of the scenery in between that's so nondescript it doesn't register, but because it's too much. Too bright, too big, too imposing, and above all, too beautiful.

It makes Lu Han hesitate, because if even the entrance to heaven is this stunning, what's inside must be amazing. At the same time, there are doubts still lingering in his heart, and if he can hold onto those in full view of such beauty, then they must be there for a reason. Yixing steps closer and places a comforting hand on his shoulder. "What do you say?" he asks. "Will you go in or will you become an angel?"

Lu Han continues looking at the gate, so beautiful it makes his heart ache, and for a moment he forgets everything and thinks, I can't wait to tell Minseok about this. It's only a moment before he remembers that he won't be going home to tell Minseok anything, but it's enough for him to have his answer. He'll wait until he can find his own peace or Minseok, or maybe both.

"I'm not ready," he confirms. "I'll become an angel."



* * *


Even after ten months technically single, dating is the last thing on Minseok's mind, so he's startled when he gets asked out (albeit indirectly). Heeyeon is a friend of Jongdae's girlfriend and he's met her a few times, enough to know that she's friendly and pretty but not to form an opinion of her beyond that, and he didn't realize she was interested in him.

"She said she wasn't sure if you were into girls at all," Jongdae tells him on the phone. "I told her you were and then she said she didn't want to put you on the spot if you weren't ready to start dating again yet. I think she was just too shy to ask you herself."

"Uh-huh," Minseok says neutrally while he tries to sort out his feelings on the subject.

"If you don't want to, no pressure," Jongdae assures him. "She understands and there'll be no hard feelings if you say no for now or no forever, or if you say yes and it doesn't work out."

"Okay." Minseok still doesn't know what to think. The last time he went on a date with someone new was more than six years ago, and he was already friends with Lu Han before that. On top of that, he hasn't gone out with a woman since he was twenty, and while he does like them sometimes, it's different, isn't it? All that together means that going out with someone is intimidating, never mind that he's not at all sure he's ready to start dating again.

When he takes too long to say anything else, Jongdae continues, "It's your choice, of course, but I think you should consider it. You're too young to be single for the rest of your life, and this could be a good low pressure way to dip your toes back in the dating pool. What's the harm?"

In the end, Minseok warily agrees, and that's how he finds himself getting ready for a date the next Friday night. He stares at himself in the mirror, feeling strange. It's been a long time since he felt the need to dress to impress, a lot longer than Lu Han's been gone considering that he never had to try hard to impress Lu Han. He shoves that thought aside before it can make him sad; now is not the time to think about Lu Han.

He picks up Heeyeon at her apartment and they go to a nice pizza place. She looks beautiful, like a princess, but she talks loudly and laughs easily and when their food comes, she doesn't hesitate to dig in. Minseok is glad; he's not polished enough himself to date anyone princess-like. He finds himself gradually relaxing and enjoying himself more than he expected to.

He says goodbye to Heeyeon with a hug and a noncommittal comment about hanging out again some time and goes home. In the quiet of his apartment, it starts to sink in what tonight meant. He doesn't know if there will be a second date with Heeyeon, but it's a step, however small, toward moving on with his life. Moving on is supposed to be a good thing, but it means accepting that Lu Han is dead but Minseok is not, and that he just might fall in love with someone else someday.

Minseok has been moving forward—he has a new home, and he's been living his life and letting himself have fun—but this is different. Finding someone else will feel like really letting go of Lu Han completely, leaving him behind. Taken to the extreme, it'll feel like replacing the person Minseok thought was the love of his life with a different one. Can he do that now? Will he ever be able to?

He looks over at the picture of him and Lu Han sitting on the bookshelf. It's from Changmin's wedding and they're both dressed in their best, but they're laughing hard. Minseok doesn't remember anymore what they were laughing at, but he remembers clinging to Lu Han's shoulders and feeling them shake with mirth, and he remembers Lu Han looking back with a huge smile on his face to share the moment with him. He also remembers coming home that night, and the way Lu Han's smile turned a little wistful as he asked, "Have you ever thought about getting married?"

"Is that an offer?" Minseok asked, only half joking.

Lu Han turned an impressive shade of red that made Minseok laugh and throw an arm around him. He expected Lu Han to laugh it off, or just stammer uselessly, but he didn't. Instead, gruff but resolute, he said, "I would, you know. Marry you. I mean, it doesn't matter—the ceremony or the rest of it—but it's...a commitment, you know? I would do that. With you. Because I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

Coming from Lu Han, it was an impressive speech, and unexpected, leaving Minseok unprepared to deal with the rush of emotion it gave him. He tried to find the words to respond but couldn't, so he only pulled Lu Han into his arms and hugged him tightly. They stayed like that for a while before Minseok managed to say, "Me too." He knew he should say more, but the words didn't come, so he repeated, "Me too."

There's no picture of that moment for Minseok to look at, but he remembers it with perfect clarity, down to the knot of Lu Han's tie pressed against his shoulder and the tightness in his throat from feeling more than he knew what to do with. He remembers realizing just how deeply in love he was and how without even thinking about it, he'd shaped his plans and dreams for the future around having Lu Han in it.

That's why it feels like asking far too much for him to let go of Lu Han less than a year later, and to open himself to the possibility of tying his future to someone else. Minseok can let himself laugh again, let himself not think about Lu Han all the time, but he doesn't know if he can let himself fall in love again. He never would have thought himself the type to spend the rest of his life pining for someone who was gone, but he also never would have thought himself the type to fall as hard as he did for Lu Han. Maybe Lu Han changed him more than he realized, and he's no longer the type he was before.

He hasn't found any resolution to his whirling thoughts when Jongdae texts him two hours later to ask how the date went. It seems like such a trivial question in light of everything on his mind that he stares at his phone for a long moment, searching for a way to respond. At last, he decides for simple, straightforward honesty and writes, I'm not ready.



* * *


The first soul Lu Han guides to heaven gives his name as Zhou Mi and that's all he remembers. "Does that happen to everyone?" he asks Lu Han. "Forgetting everything?"

"I think so," Lu Han says, realizing he doesn't know anything beyond his own experience and what Yixing told him. "This is my first time guiding someone," he admits. "But it happened to me too, and I remembered before I got to heaven."

Zhou Mi raises an eyebrow at his answer. "They don't give you any training before sending you out like this?

Lu Han shakes his head. "I've been through it myself, and that's enough."

He can't really blame Zhou Mi for being skeptical, but there doesn't seem to be much to guiding a soul to heaven. They walk and walk and eventually arrive at the gate. It would be good if Lu Han could help people cope with their deaths the way Yixing did for him, but ultimately, it's up to them to be ready to go into heaven (or not). He's mostly there to keep them company while they figure things out.

It's a strange feeling, being on the other side of the process, watching Zhou Mi slowly regain his memories and cope with what he finds in them. He was older than Lu Han when he died, but still younger than most people expect it to happen, only forty-five. He was married, it turns out, with two daughters he won't get to see grow to adulthood. He bears the pain of remembering that grimly, but Lu Han can see that it's hard for him.

"I'm sorry," Lu Han tells him, because that's all he can say.

Zhou Mi stands up straighter and shakes his head. "We all have our time to go. If this is mine, then so be it. I'll watch over my girls from heaven and wait patiently until I can see them again."

With Zhou Mi so determined, it's not much longer before they arrive at the gate, and he walks in with a smile on his face. Once he's gone, Lu Han seeks out Yixing. "It doesn't seem right," he says, sitting down beside him. "Leaving young children behind must be horrible, but he was so sure about moving on. Why can't I do that?"

Yixing's smile is gentle. "We're all different, and it's not only about who we left behind. It's about who we are, and what's right for us. There's no use in comparing. Are you regretting becoming an angel?"

Lu Han stops and thinks about it. He saw the gate to heaven for the second time today, but he felt no more ready to go in than he did before. He's afraid he never will be, but he doesn't want to let that fear make his choice for him. He'll have to wait and hope that the day will come when he is, and enjoy being an angel in the meantime. He's only just started with that, but he doesn't regret it yet.

"I guess this is right for me," he tells Yixing, "at least for now."

Yixing beams at him, dimples showing. "Good. I'm going to like having you around."

Lu Han smiles back and resolves to enjoy himself where he is now, whatever the future may bring.



* * *


Minseok has, in all honesty, been doing well recently. He's still not dating, but he has a decent social life otherwise, and he's doing fine at work. Sometimes he thinks about Lu Han but it doesn't hurt, and sometimes he doesn't think about Lu Han and he's okay with that. Other times, he thinks about Lu Han and it does hurt, but less often, and he's gotten better at dealing with it. His life is far from perfect, especially compared to what it was a year ago, but he's really okay.

But as the time remaining before the anniversary of Lu Han's death dwindles to weeks and then days, Minseok starts to feel less okay. The anniversary is only a day and it won't change anything, but it drives home how long he's been living without Lu Han. They were together for almost six years and friends for two more. That sounds like a long time, but with how quickly this year has passed, it feels like it won't be long before Lu Han has been gone for longer than they were together, and then longer than they even knew each other.

Minseok doesn't realize that he's withdrawing into himself, but he is, brushing off invitations from his friends and then not even checking his phone during the last few days. It's not intentional, but he's just trying to hold on, to keep moving forward even though it hurts. It's asking too much for him to keep up a pretense of being fine when he isn't.

The night before the anniversary, Minseok tries to sleep, but he tosses and turns for hours before he finally drifts off, only to be hit with nightmares. He dreams about sitting next to Lu Han's bedside in the hospital, crying and pleading with him to live. He dreams about Lu Han's parents, but instead of being kind to him like they were that morning, they're angry, yelling at him in Chinese like it's his fault Lu Han is sick. He dreams about Lu Han, a gray shadow of his former self, digging fingernails into his shoulders and demanding, "How could you?"

It's a relief to wake up, even with his eyes wet with tears and the clock informing him that it's three in the morning on the first anniversary of the day Lu Han died. Minseok lies in bed, breathing hard and blinking the tears from his eyes as he tries to remember that while reality is harsh, it wasn't as bad as his dreams. It's not true that Lu Han's parents were angry at him and he doesn't see why Lu Han would be, but he still whispers, "I'm sorry" to the darkness, and then, "I miss you."

He doesn't get any more sleep that night, calling into work as soon as the sun comes up and spending the day at home under a cloud of melancholy. He turns off his phone, so he's startled when the doorbell rings in the evening. It's tempting to just ignore it, but his friends and family know where the spare key is, so they'll probably come in even if he doesn't open the door. Besides, he's spent too much of the day alone with his thoughts already.

He opens the door to Sehun and Amber, with others behind them. Sehun's frown transforms into an expression of relief at the sight of him, and Amber smiles. "Hey there. Mind if we come in?" She waits for him to answer, which she normally wouldn't, but the second he nods, everyone piles in.

Junmyeon's at the back, and he stops to ask, "Is this okay? We thought you could use the company, but we don't want to bother you."

Minseok nods again, swallowing down the lump in his throat that he's not sure if he should blame on his sadness over Lu Han or being touched that he has such good friends. Junmyeon smiles and closes the door behind himself, ushering Minseok back to the couch.

It's a noisy night and everyone sticks a little too close to Minseok or tries a little too hard to make him laugh, but it's comforting all the same, being reminded that he's not alone in this or anything else. They talk about anything but Lu Han for the first few hours, but then Baekhyun and Jongdae bicker over the last piece of the pizza they ordered until Sehun interrupts to ask, "Do you remember the time Lu Han-hyung agreed to arm wrestle for the last chicken wing?"

Lu Han had been part of their friend group for less than six months then and he didn't know what he was getting into. He managed to beat everyone until he got to Minseok, who innocently took his hand and smiled before he smacked it into the table. Lu Han's jaw dropped and they all laughed so hard at his shock. Lu Han joked once that that was the moment he fell for Minseok. Minseok didn't believe him, because he said the same thing about other moments, but the thought still makes him smile. It feels good, being able to think about Lu Han and smile even at a time like this.

His friends must think the same, because they carry on telling silly stories about Lu Han and laughing, occasionally glancing over to make sure that Minseok doesn't seem bothered. In time, they turn more serious, talking about moments when they admired Lu Han, or when he helped them, supported them. There are more glances at Minseok now, and they're not unwarranted because it hurts to remember the good, caring person that Lu Han was, but then, Minseok is happy to be reminded that it wasn't just him who loved Lu Han, and who misses him now.

Lu Han loved freely and was loved in return. He was a good person, a good friend who made a difference not just in Minseok's life but in the lives of many people around him. Even when he's been gone for six, eight, twenty years, he won't be forgotten. That doesn't make up for his loss, but it's a comfort all the same. Here, surrounded by people who loved Lu Han too, Minseok thinks he can hold onto that and be okay again.

That night, when he turns off the light, Minseok whispers, "I miss you" to the darkness again, but he doesn't apologize this time. Instead, he says, "I love you," and when he closes his eyes, he dreams that Lu Han is still out there somewhere to hear it.



* * *


Visiting people from their human lives isn't expressly forbidden, Lu Han finds out after he's been an angel for a while, but it is frowned upon. "It's a bad idea," Yixing tells him when he asks about it. "Either it hurts to see them be sad and not be able to do anything or it hurts to see them happy and realize that they're moving on without you."

Lu Han tries to resist the temptation, because he's found that Yixing is right about a lot of things, but now that he knows the option is available, he can't not do it. He goes to see Minseok only once, on the first anniversary of his death, telling himself that he just wants to see that Minseok is okay. Once he knows that, he can leave Minseok to live his life and continue with his own, if you can call it that.

He doesn't know what to expect, but he finds Minseok's apartment (a smaller one, not the one they shared) packed full of people. Minseok is sitting on the couch sandwiched between Jongdae and Amber, with Sehun in front of him, slouching so he can rest his head on Minseok's thigh. They're not looking at him, but there's something protective about the way they're gathered around him, like they want to make sure he knows he's not alone.

Baekhyun, in typical Baekhyun fashion, is telling some story about a childhood prank. He's talking too loudly and laughing too much at his own words the way he does when he's trying to dispel a bad atmosphere, and Lu Han smiles at the familiar sight. Everyone is laughing except Minseok, but he is smiling, small but steady.

Lu Han watches for a few minutes, half listening to Baekhyun talk, and he thinks that Yixing is right. It hurts to see Minseok smiling without him, and it also hurts to read lingering sadness in his drooping shoulders and the smile that doesn't grow any bigger no matter how hard Baekhyun tries. It hurts to see Minseok with all their friends and not be part of it, and it hurts to know that the reason they're here in Minseok's apartment is because of him, because he died and left Minseok behind.

Against his better judgment, Lu Han moves closer, until he's right next to Sehun in front of the couch. Up close, he can see shadows under Minseok's eyes, see that he's thinner than he was a year ago. At the same time, he can see the sparkle of life in Minseok's eyes, the way he leans into Jongdae's side and absently plays with Sehun's hair. He may be hurting, but he's alive, and moving forward without Lu Han.

"I'm okay, so be happy," Lu Han wants to say, but he also wants to say, "Don't forget me so easily." He just wants to say something and have Minseok hear it, because he never even got to say goodbye. He knows that's not the way it works, but he can't help wishing for the impossible.

He stands up and runs a hand down Minseok's cheek, lingering. He thinks maybe Minseok moves into the touch just a little, like he feels something even if he doesn't know what it is, but it's probably wishful thinking. "I love you," he says to no one, really, and then he leaves, his goodbye unspoken.

"Was it worth it?" Yixing asks him when he gets back. "Seeing him again."

Lu Han considers for a long moment, his heart too full of feelings for him to know how to answer. "I don't know," he says in the end, "but I won't go again." All he can do now is leave Minseok to his life and go back to waiting, and trust that whatever happens, he'll see Minseok again someday.






Part 2