Seokmonsters Part 2
Oct. 12th, 2015 04:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sparklepoxPart 1 here
Part 2
Lu Han thinks nothing of it when he gets the call to guide a new soul, a sort of subconscious pull that tells him where to go and when. The way time passes here, it's hard to say how long he's been doing this, but he's sure years have passed as he's guided a great many souls to heaven. Each soul is different, but to him, the process is the same, the walk so familiar that he scarcely thinks about the surroundings that were once so strange to him.
He arrives there just in time, and he's about to say a greeting when he actually looks at the soul he's supposed to guide and his words die in his throat at the sight of a painfully familiar face. Despite his baby face, Minseok is noticeably older, fine lines around his eyes and mouth and a tiny sprinkling of gray in his hair, but Lu Han would know him anywhere. He's been at this for a long time now, his human life long since left behind, but he hasn't forgotten Minseok or how very much he loved him.
One would think that after all this time, those feelings would have faded somewhat, even though Minseok is a big part of the reason he's here instead of in heaven. Lu Han has met a lot of human souls and made friends among the angels living in between, and he's changed since he died. But seeing Minseok again now, regardless of the time that's passed, regardless of him being an angel and Minseok being older and dead, Lu Han feels like his love for Minseok hasn't changed at all, his heart swelling with the reminder of it.
But Minseok is only a human soul, freshly dead and ready to go to heaven, and the confusion in his eyes when he looks at Lu Han has nothing to do with surprised recognition. "Where am I?" Before Lu Han can answer, he adds, "Am I dead?"
"Yes." Lu Han's voice sounds small, and he's not sure if it really is or if it's only that everything seems distant and strange right now. He's been waiting so long for this that now that it's happened, it feels unreal. "I'll take you to heaven soon, but right now, you're in between."
"In between what?" Minseok asks.
"That's just what we call it," Lu Han explains mechanically. "In between Earth and heaven."
"Oh." Minseok still sounds dazed, but he's starting to settle, to process what's happened to him. "And who are you?"
Lu Han's been asked that by many souls before, and this is the first time it's ever hurt. "I'm an angel," he says. Normally, he'd give his name, but there's part of him that's hoping Minseok will know it without being told.
"An angel?" Minseok looks him up and down and then smiles wryly. "You do look the part." Then, "I'm...Minseok. Kim Minseok." He frowns. "Why can't I remember anything else?"
"I don't know why, but that's how it is. You'll remember while we walk." This, too, is a normal conversation, but now Lu Han thinks about what that means. Will Minseok remember him? He should, but what will happen when he does? Lu Han's no longer new to being an angel, but this situation is different from anything he's faced before. He's never guided someone he knew before. Is he supposed to pretend not to know Minseok until he remembers? Should he tell him everything once he starts to?
Minseok is still frowning, but he nods slowly. "I think...I don't feel surprised that I'm dead. Does that mean anything? Maybe I was sick." He shrugs. "I guess I'll remember soon enough." Even without his memories, Minseok is very much himself, taking life (and now death) in stride the way Lu Han remembers. "Does it take long to get to heaven?"
"It takes a different amount of time for every soul, but it'll be as long as you need."
"Are all angels this cryptic?" Minseok asks dryly. He doesn't wait for an answer. "Do you have a name?"
"You can call me Lu," Lu Han answers without letting himself think too hard about why he leaves it at that.
"Nice to meet you, Lu."
It sounds so wrong coming from Minseok, but Lu Han tries not to let it show that it bothers him. He bobs his head in greeting, then says, "And I'm not being cryptic. That's just how things work here."
Minseok looks skeptical, but then he shrugs again. "All right, then. Lead the way, Lu."
For one long moment, Lu Han stares at him, letting it sink in that Minseok is here, in between and on his way to heaven. When he chose to become an angel, he thought this was the moment he was waiting for, when Minseok would appear and after an immediate happy reunion, Lu Han would be ready to go into heaven with him. The reality of it feels more complicated, and that's hard to take.
He stares for too long and Minseok gives him a funny look. "Is something wrong?"
Lu Han quickly shakes his head. "It's nothing. Let's go." Turning away, he starts to lead Minseok toward heaven.
* * *
Minseok walks in silence a step behind Lu. For a while, he tries to look around, but he quickly realizes that there's nothing to see here, or at least nothing that his mind can hold on to. That's weird, but considering that he's in the afterlife being led around by an angel, he should probably expect some weirdness. Once he figures out that there's no point in looking at the scenery, he watches Lu instead, trying not to be too obvious about it.
The angel looks like an ordinary, if attractive, guy, casually dressed in a t-shirt and cargo shorts, with his medium-length dark brown hair unstyled. He does look cute and innocent, so in that way Minseok supposes he looks angelic, but he's not glowing and he doesn't have wings or any other indication that he's more than human. Minseok has no reason to doubt him, but it's hard to believe he's really what he says he is when he looks so normal.
He's startled out of his thoughts when Lu suddenly asks, "Do you remember anything else yet?"
Setting aside his observation of his traveling companion, Minseok considers his memories. He knows his name and where he's from, but still not much else. He has a vague recollection of a house and two people older than him, maybe his parents, but it's fuzzy, like the memory of a dream that will slip through his fingers if he tries any harder to grasp at it. "Not really," he answers.
Lu frowns like he's disappointed, and Minseok wonders why he cares. Does he get some kind of angel brownie points if Minseok remembers quickly? Before he can ask, Lu says, "Well, it'll happen eventually. Let's keep going."
"How does it work?" Minseok asks as they start to walk again. "Should I remember the end of my life first and go backwards or start with childhood memories?"
"It's different for everyone," Lu tells him without turning around. "Sometimes it's chronological, or sometimes people remember important things first, or sometimes it seems completely random. For me, it didn't follow any pattern as far as I could tell."
"For you?" Minseok asks, surprised.
He can just make out the corner of a smile on Lu's face. "Yes, for me. I was in your place once."
"You mean you were human too?" That explains Lu's ordinary appearance but raises all kinds of other questions.
"That's right. I was a normal human too, and then I died and became an angel, and now I guide humans like you."
"Will I become an angel too?" Minseok doesn't remember if he ever gave much thought to what comes after death, but he doesn't think that's what he would have expected of it.
Lu seems startled by the question for some reason. "Maybe. Most people don't."
"Then what makes you special?" Minseok asks, aiming for a teasing tone to lighten the atmosphere.
"I'm not special." Lu sounds torn between being amused and...Minseok's not sure what, but maybe a little sad. "I just wasn't ready to go into heaven before. That's all it takes to become an angel, deciding not to go in."
"Why the hell would you decide not to go into heaven?" It's hard to imagine anyone choosing to give up paradise.
"I just...did, that's all." Lu sounds flustered, and Minseok feels awkward. "Anyway, it's not forever. I can decide to go in when I want to."
"Oh, that's—" Minseok breaks off, distracted by a memory materializing in his mind out of nowhere. "I remember something!"
"Oh?" Lu seems wary for some reason, but Minseok is too pleased at finally having remembered something concrete to think about that.
"I remember a baby," he explains. "My little sister. I must have been really young, but I remember that she cried a lot and my mom told me I should be a good big brother and always take care of her." He frowns as the implications sink in; does that mean that his sister is out there mourning his death? He can't remember anything after that, if he and his sister were close, if they'd lost contact or if she died before him.
Lu, on the other hand, is smiling, just a little. He belatedly notices that Minseok is looking at him, and his expression shifts into something more neutral. "That's a good start," he says gruffly. "Maybe you'll start with your earliest memories and move forward."
"So I won't remember how I died until the very end?" That may be just as well, but he's too curious to wait. It doesn't really make a difference if he knows what happened to him, but it feels important anyway.
"Don't be in such a hurry to remember that," Lu counsels. "Death isn't usually a nice memory." That sounds depressing, but then he smiles, seemingly genuine. "So, you had a sister?"
Minseok lets himself be distracted, smiling back. "I guess so." He considers his memories and finds that a few more of him with his sister have trickled back in. Lu seems interested, so he searches for a good story to tell as they start to walk again. "I remember when she was maybe two years old..."
* * *
It's so jarring, talking to Minseok after all this time. Not bad, but strange, because Minseok is part of Lu Han's human life, a far-off but unfaded memory, and yet here he is, in between and talking to Lu Han like nothing has changed.
Well, not exactly like nothing has changed, because Minseok is talking casually to him, but like Lu Han is a near stranger, not a close friend and definitely not a lover. That's jarring too, in a different way, and Lu Han wonders if it'll change once Minseok remembers him. Of course he'll remember what they were to each other, but what about what came after that? Lu Han doesn't know if Minseok held on to his memory or let him go, or if Minseok fell in love again. For all he knows, Minseok was angry with Lu Han for leaving him behind so suddenly, as irrational as that might be, and he won't be happy to see him again.
With all that on his mind, it's hard to focus on what Minseok is saying as he recounts his slowly returning memories. He was saying something about being so scared before his first day of school that he pleaded with his mother not to make him go, but Lu Han has lost track of the story, caught up in his own thoughts.
At the same time, he may not be listening to every word Minseok says, but it's hard to focus on anything but Minseok. Lu Han always did get caught up in Minseok's existence, no matter what he was doing or saying, and it seems that neither death nor the years since he last saw Minseok have changed that.
He attempts to listen, anyway, and watches Minseok and nods like he's paying attention until he's startled by a sudden question. "W-what?" he stammers.
He's relieved when Minseok laughs, apparently not insulted. "Were you listening at all? Sorry, I guess I was rambling."
"No, I'm sorry," Lu Han hastily apologizes, trying not to get distracted again by how much he likes Minseok's smile, especially when it's directed at him. "I just spaced out. What did you say?"
Minseok is still smiling, and oh, yes, Lu Han missed that very much. "I asked if you have any brothers or sisters."
They've stopped walking again, so Lu Han can turn his full attention on Minseok. "I don't. In China, when I was born, people were only allowed to have one child."
"Oh, you're Chinese?"
Lu Han bites back a laugh, remembering Minseok asking him exactly that soon after they first met. "I am."
"But aren't you speaking Korean? Or is that a heaven thing, that I can understand you? Or whatever you call this place, in between."
This time Lu Han does laugh. "I'm speaking Korean. I lived in Korea for a long time."
That intrigues Minseok, and Lu Han cautiously answers his questions about where and why and for how long. "What made you stick around all those years?" he asks.
"I, um..." Lu Han hesitates, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to keep the truth from Minseok. He'll remember sooner or later, and until he does, he won't have any reason to connect what Lu Han tells him to his own experiences. (And would it really be so bad if he just told Minseok everything? But he wants Minseok to remember him on his own, not be pushed into it.) "I thought I would go back to China eventually," he says, "but then I fell in love."
"That would do it. Did you like living in Korea?"
"I did," Lu Han answers without hesitation. His life there wasn't perfect, but it was good. "I was very happy."
There's nothing really personal in Minseok's answering smile, but it's warm and it makes Lu Han feel good. He wants more, wants Minseok to smile at his own memories of both of them rather than Lu Han's, but this is something. After so many years without Minseok, he can be satisfied with this for a little while.
* * *
Now that they've started talking more, it's actually pleasant, walking through this nowhere place with Lu. Minseok's not normally the most talkative guy (he knows that even without having any memories to back it up), but somehow Lu is easy to talk to. Sure, he spaces out on a regular basis and doesn't hear what Minseok's saying, but he seems fascinated by Minseok anyway. It makes Minseok wonder if all angels are like this or if they're as different as the humans they once were.
The memories Minseok has regained so far are mostly nice, fun times with his sister and early school experiences, some scary at the time, but with the perspective of an adult, nothing serious. He's sure there must be worse things for him to remember, because who doesn't have bad experiences, but for now, he's enjoying what he has and not worrying about the rest. It'll come back to him in time.
Then something new hits him and he breaks off in the middle of telling Lu about playing on the soccer team in elementary school. This memory is not a nice one; he remembers sadness, and tears burning in his eyes. "What's wrong?" Lu asks.
"I was at a funeral, I think," Minseok says, closing his eyes as he reaches for the details. "I felt like crying but I was trying not to, because...oh, because it was my grandfather's funeral, and he'd always been so strong that I thought I should be like him and not cry."
"Oh." Minseok opens his eyes at the tone of Lu's voice. He sounds almost hurt, which makes no sense. He's about to ask why when Lu hastily asks, "Were you young?"
"Twelve or so? No, wait, I was already in junior high. I was fourteen." He frowns as he thinks about that. "I guess that means I'm not remembering in chronological order? There's still a lot I don't remember before that."
"No, I guess not. Like I told you, sometimes it's just random." Lu sounds normal again, but Minseok still catches a hint of sad puppy in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you knew my grandpa," he says.
"What? Why would I?" Lu asks.
"I don't know. You looked sad when I mentioned it." Minseok studies Lu's expression, but he can't read anything in particular there anymore.
Lu shakes his head emphatically. "It just brought back memories for me too. That's all."
"That must happen a lot, huh?" Minseok asks. "Humans have so many common experiences."
"It does," Lu agrees. "But this is about you, so don't let me interfere. Do you remember anything else about the funeral or your grandfather?"
He does, more details of the funeral that it hurts to remember, but also happy moments with his grandfather before his death. It's strange, having these oases of memories while other parts are completely blank, but that seems to be what he's going to get for now. It's also strange looking at his life like this, moments of happiness and pride and moments of sadness and pain. "Life is a funny thing, isn't it?" he says.
Lu doesn't ask what he means, only nods. "It really is."
* * *
The good thing about the revelation that Minseok isn't remembering his life in chronological order is that he could remember Lu Han at any time without having to wait. The bad thing is that Lu Han can't predict it and prepare himself accordingly. It leaves him on edge, excited but also wary. He can't be sure how the memory will come out or how Minseok will react to it, or what other things Minseok will remember about his life after Lu Han. He also doesn't know what experiences Minseok had that could have changed his feelings about Lu Han after his death. Still, there's nothing he can do but wait, and enjoy Minseok's company in the meantime.
And he does enjoy talking to Minseok, despite his nerves. Minseok seems to be becoming more and more animated as he remembers more about his life, like each piece of himself that comes back gives him a little more color. It's like that with every soul, probably, but Lu Han notices it more with Minseok because with each passing moment, he becomes more and more like the Minseok Lu Han remembers.
"I don't know why this is important," he tells Lu Han as another memory returns, "or if it even is, but I remember going to a concert. I'm not sure whose, but some kind of kpop? Anyway, I was so excited because it was the first time my parents let me go to a concert. I was usually pretty quiet back then, but I just went crazy and cheered and danced and everything." He laughs happily. "That was fun."
"Concerts are great." Lu Han isn't thinking of that concert, or of the first one he went to himself, but of one he went to with Minseok. It was only a few months after they started dating, but they'd already been friends long enough that Lu Han didn't hesitate to throw himself into his enjoyment of the concert, screaming and singing along. Minseok laughed at him, but he was just as enthusiastic. He smiles to himself at the memory.
"What are you thinking about?" Minseok asks. Off Lu Han's surprised look, he explains, "You were smiling like you were remembering something too."
"I was thinking about a concert I went to," Lu Han tells him. "With my boyfriend."
Minseok takes the last part in stride. (And why wouldn't he? Even if he doesn't remember having a boyfriend himself, there's a certain self-awareness about things like that that souls seem to have independent of memories.) "Did you drag him there or vice versa?"
"Neither. We were both big fans."
Minseok smiles widely. "That sounds like fun, being able to share that excitement with someone."
"It was," Lu Han agrees, but his focus is elsewhere, wondering if this will be the trigger to get Minseok to remember him or if it's just a false alarm. What will it take? Will it make any difference at all what Lu Han says to him?
But Minseok only keeps smiling and turns away. "I wonder if I had anyone like that," he says thoughtfully. "A boyfriend, I mean, or a girlfriend. Odds are I did at some point, but I don't remember anyone yet." He sighs wistfully. "I guess it would be better if I wasn't with anyone when I died, wouldn't it? I'd hate to think I left someone like that behind."
"Yes." Against his better judgment, Lu Han adds, "It's hard."
Minseok turns to look at him, but whatever he sees in Lu Han's expression makes him think better of asking for more information. He only nods before saying instead, "So tell me more about this concert you went to. Who was it?"
So it's not the time yet, Lu Han thinks, but maybe it's just as well. He's happy to smile at Minseok again and leave the difficult things for later.
* * *
Maybe it's because of the happy memory of the concert or maybe it's because he's been talking about music and other fun things with Lu after that, but Minseok lets his guard down, and he's not prepared for the next memory that comes to him. The emotion hits him before the memory is fully formed, a wave of intense grief that that seems to come out of nowhere, and he stumbles and crashes right into Lu.
"What's wrong?" the angel asks, grabbing Minseok's arms to steady him, but quickly dropping them once he's found his feet.
"I..." Minseok bites his lip, fighting back the urge to cry as he tries to understand the images in his mind. "I don't know. I remember being in a kitchen and I felt so sad, but I don't remember why. There was...a shopping list?" That sounds ridiculous, but that's what he remembers. "I cried over a shopping list. My friend found me and he kind of freaked out, but he sat with me and kept me company."
Lu's eyes go wide, but then he gives a little shake of his head and his expression turns more neutral before he asks, "You don't know why a shopping list made you cry?"
Minseok tries to reach for the explanation that must be somewhere in his mind, but he can't find it. "I don't remember. I just know that I cried really hard." It's frustrating not being able to remember more than that, even with the memory right there. Surely he should remember something that would make him cry so much more easily. "If I ask why I can't remember, are you going to tell me that that's just the way it goes?"
Lu's answering smile is wry but small. "Unfortunately. I—" He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "After I died, I could remember that I was living with someone and I could remember bits and pieces about him and moments we were together, but it took me the longest time to actually remember him, even though he was so important to me. There's no explaining it."
Minseok sighs and swipes a hand over his eyes. The memory of crying is so strong that he's surprised to find them dry. "I guess it makes sense to not remember all at once because it'd be overwhelming, but I just want to get it over with. I don't like not knowing."
Lu nods sympathetically and doesn't say anything else, so Minseok takes another look at the memory. He still doesn't remember why the shopping list made him cry, but there are other details filled in. "Baekhyun," he says, the name feeling familiar in his mouth. Lu looks briefly startled, but it disappears when Minseok continues, "That was my friend who was there. He was always the worst at comforting people, unless something could be laughed off."
That gets a smile from Lu. "He must have been so shocked to find you crying."
"He was," Minseok agrees. "I don't remember most of them well, but I think...I had good friends. Whatever it was that I was dealing with, I had good friends helping me through it." Focusing on that makes him feel a little better, a little more steady.
"I'm glad," Lu says. He's not touching Minseok now, but he's still standing close, and he tentatively reaches out a hand to rest on Minseok's shoulder. Lu may not quite be a friend yet, but it's comforting to know that now, too, he's not alone in dealing with what life and death have to throw at him.
* * *
Minseok has gone quiet again, and Lu Han can't really blame him, after the last thing he remembered. Lu Han's got a lot on his mind too; he doesn't know for sure, but he strongly suspects that he was the reason Minseok was crying over a shopping list, and it hurts to think about that. It may be long past, but it's making Minseok sad again now, and Lu Han doesn't like that. It's not really his fault, but he feels responsible anyway.
It's also clearly bothering Minseok that he doesn't remember everything, and Lu Han is torn between telling him what he knows or waiting it out. It won't make it any better to tell him more, will it? He'll still be sad, and he'll probably only be more frustrated at not remembering Lu Han. Besides, Lu Han doesn't know what happened after he died.
There doesn't really seem to be a good option, so Lu Han waits and walks, darting occasional glances over at Minseok to see how he's doing. He's still lost in thought, but at the fourth or fifth glance, he notices and flashes Lu Han a reassuring smile. It's a smile Lu Han remembers seeing many times, and he can't help smiling back in spite of everything.
He's relieved when Minseok finally breaks the silence. "Sorry. I'm being boring."
Lu Han shakes his head. "It's okay. You don't have to entertain me."
"I remember more now, about my friends, but I still don't know why a shopping list made me cry." He laughs a little, and Lu Han has to admit it is kind of funny when he puts it like that. "I'm ready to remember something else now. Something happy this time, please." He looks up like he's appealing to whatever power might be responsible for the way his memories are returning. (Despite being an angel, Lu Han doesn't know anything about that.)
If there is some higher power controlling Minseok's memories, it's not listening, because nothing comes for a while. At last, Minseok says, "Oh! There's something. I was in a hospital..." Lu Han tenses, wondering again if this is it, but then Minseok smiles and he knows the memory isn't about him. "I was waiting for a baby to be born."
Now Lu Han tenses for a different reason. Could Minseok have had a child? It wouldn't be so surprising, considering how happy Lu Han remembers him being about becoming an uncle, but that would mean that there was someone else in his life, a woman.
That train of thought ends abruptly when Minseok continues, "I was with Jongdae. My friend. His wife didn't want him in the room during the birth so he was pacing back and forth and back and forth in the hallway." His smile widens, eyes sparkling, and Lu Han almost gets lost in them. "He was so happy when his son was born, smiling so big his eyes crinkled up and disappeared and it looked like his face might break."
Lu Han can picture exactly the smile Minseok is talking about, and he smiles to himself at the thought. He has no doubt that Jongdae must have been (and still is, he hopes) a wonderful husband and father.
"Did you have kids?" Minseok asks, then catches himself. "Oh, wait, you said you had a boyfriend, so..."
"I didn't," Lu Han tells him.
"Me neither." Minseok frowns as he thinks about what he said. "I don't think so, anyway. But...I did have nephews. Two. My sister's kids." He smiles again, so happy at the thought, and especially after seeing him upset earlier, Lu Han is glad of it. "They're good kids. I'll miss them." His smile falters as he considers that, probably realizing that those kids are going to grow up without him now.
Lu Han doesn't want to see him sad again, so he hastily says, "You'll see them again someday, I'm sure."
Minseok's smile steadies and he nods. "You're right," he agrees. "But hopefully not for a good long time."
* * *
Minseok's memories seem to be returning faster now. He remembers large chunks of his childhood, and what he doesn't remember clearly or at all he suspects is because he was too young or it was too long ago, not because those memories haven't come back yet. It's nice to have that, to remember more of how he became the person he's known that he is since he arrived in between. It's nice to have those good memories too, because his childhood wasn't perfect, but it was happy overall.
He's stopped telling Lu about every memory because there's too much, but he keeps talking about the big ones, partly because it makes it feel more real to say it out loud and partly just because Lu seems so interested. He doesn't know why, when Lu has probably guided countless people as they regain their memories, but it's a nice feeling, having the angel's attention on him. Minseok's not accustomed to people being so interested in what he has to say.
Minseok's still impatient to fill in some of the major gaps in his memory, but now that he's remembering more quickly, he feels confident that it'll happen soon and he can turn his attention to other things while he waits. "Do you like being an angel?" he asks Lu.
"I do," Lu answers with a smile. "I get to meet a lot of interesting people when I guide them, and the other angels are good company."
"Yeah? Do you guys hang out when you're not guiding humans? Do you have some kind of angel lounge?" Minseok pictures a group of people who all look strangely like Lu sprawled out around a big living room, talking like old friends.
Lu laughs. "Not really a lounge, but we can find each other easily enough. Some of us like to spend time together and others prefer to be alone. There's one newer guy, Kyungsoo, and...he's kind of like you, actually. He likes company, but it has to be the right people, and he has to be in the right mood for it. He likes me, usually, but he gets annoyed with other people sometimes."
That does sound like Minseok, but it's strange that Lu knows that about him. Has he revealed so much in the short time they've known each other? "I wonder why someone like that would want to be an angel," he comments.
"I asked, but he wouldn't tell me why," Lu says, a cute little pout on his face.
"So just like you when I asked?" Minseok teases.
Lu winces in response, and Minseok laughs. "It's not that I don't want to tell you," Lu says. "It's just hard to explain." Before Minseok can ask about that, he adds, "My friend Yixing became an angel so he can be the one to guide his grandmother to heaven when she dies."
"Now that sounds angelic," Minseok says dryly.
Lu laughs again. "He's not, really, once you get to know him, but in that way, he is. And he's good at this, you know, helping people through the journey to heaven. He was the one who guided me."
"And look how that turned out." The joke falls flat and Minseok feels awkward. "Do you think I would make a good angel?" he asks instead.
Lu looks alarmed by the question. "I don't—well, yes, you probably would, but...you shouldn't think like that. You'd only become an angel if you're not ready for heaven."
"So if there's something holding me back? Someone?" There's nothing like that in his memories so far, but there's a lot still missing. He can't imagine waiting around for his grandmother, but could there be someone else?
"It doesn't have to be someone, but it often is," Lu says, gone quiet.
"It was for you?" Minseok ventures. Lu hesitates for a long moment, and then nods. Something tells Minseok he shouldn't press for details, so instead he asks, "Are you happy with your decision, then?"
This time Lu doesn't hesitate to nod, though there are still complicated emotions plainly written on his face. "Well..." Minseok flashes him what he hopes is a cheering smile. "I hope you keep enjoying being an angel until the person you're waiting for comes. I'm sure he or she will be happy to see you again."
Lu doesn't smile back, only nods again. "I hope so."
* * *
Lu Han is trying not to be obviously on edge, but his patience is wearing thin waiting to find out when and how Minseok will remember him, and how he'll react once he does. He just wants to get it over with instead of waiting and waiting. He wants to get it over with, and the longer it takes, the more guilty he feels about not saying anything to Minseok. He's not really lying to him, but he is hiding the truth.
The next memory Minseok tells him about starts with, "I was at the doctor's office—that is, in a hospital..." but Lu Han doesn't dare get his hopes up this time. Besides, he doesn't really want the first memory of him that Minseok regains to be sitting by his hospital bed. It's not, though, because Minseok continues, "I must have been sick because I had an IV in my arm. I...oh." He breaks off abruptly and Lu Han turns to see him frowning. "I probably know how I died now."
"What happened?"
"Cancer," Minseok says shortly. "The doctor was telling me that I'd run out of treatment options." He's still frowning, but then he shrugs and flashes Lu Han a weak smile. "I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I'm dead no matter what, and I know now that death isn't the end."
"Still," Lu Han says, "that must have been hard. How old were you?"
Minseok stops and thinks about it. "Forty-one. I'd just turned forty-one."
So Minseok lived twelve years after Lu Han. Forty-one is still young to die, but twelve years sounds like a lot to Lu Han, twice as long as they were together. What else happened to Minseok in those twelve years Lu Han missed out on?
"I was sick for a while," Minseok continues after a moment. "Years, I think, on and off, but I was still shocked to hear that. I wonder if anyone ever really expects to find out that they're going to die."
Lu Han nods. "Did you have anyone with you?" he asks. He's reaching, selfishly.
Minseok shakes his head and Lu Han tries not to feel happy, because he shouldn't be happy that Minseok was alone. "There wasn't anyone with me at the office. And..." He cocks his head as he thinks, looking cuter than someone his age has any right to be. "I vaguely remember friends visiting me in the hospital. My parents. My sister. No kids except my sister's, and no wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. I would remember that, wouldn't I?"
Lu Han shrugs. "Probably, but it's hard to say."
Minseok sounds a little wistful as he says, "It would've been nice, in a way, but...at least I had family who cared about me, and good friends. Even if I don't remember being in love, I wasn't alone."
Lu Han doesn't trust his voice or what might come out of his mouth if he tried to respond, so he just nods.
Luckily, Minseok's not one to dwell on emotional things, so he quickly changes the subject. "So, what's it going to take to get me to heaven? I remember a lot more now. Isn't it about time?"
"But you don't remember everything." Minseok gives him a strange look, so Lu Han hurriedly adds, "Do you?"
"I guess not," Minseok concedes. "But can we get on with it?" He taps his head as though that will dislodge some hidden memories.
Lu Han laughs. "I'll be sure to pass that on to whoever's in charge of these things, if I ever find out who that is."
He's glad when Minseok smiles at him. "Please do."
* * *
There's a lot on Minseok's mind as he waits for his remaining memories to return. He remembers as close to the beginning of his life as his memories reach, and nearly to the end, but there are still so many gaps in the middle that he's impatient to fill, and it's frustrating having no control over it. Beyond that, remembering his breakdown over the shopping list, he knows there must be something important that happened, and he's nervous about getting those memories back. If something hurt him that much, does he really want to remember it?
He's almost unconsciously bracing himself for that, but the next memory that comes seems to be a good one. He's in an apartment, not his own, at what seems to be a party. The details come back more slowly than the visual, and haphazardly, telling him that it's Jongin's birthday party before he remembers exactly who Jongin is. "I was at a party for my friend's birthday," he tells Lu. "A university party, so...you can imagine."
Lu nods, smiling absently, but then he seems to think of something and his eyes go wide. "What?" Minseok asks.
"Nothing."
Minseok doesn't believe him, but he lets it go, focused on the new memory. "It was pretty crazy," he continues. "Some of Jongin's friends got him really drunk." He laughs at the memory; only Jongin would dance gracefully on top of tables while drunk. "I wasn't quite drunk enough for all the craziness, but it was fun to watch."
"That does sound fun," Lu agrees. "Did you...that is, do you remember anything else about that party?"
It sounds like he's fishing for something, but Minseok can't figure out why. It was just a party, wasn't it? He sorts through his (admittedly somewhat fuzzy thanks to the alcohol) memories of the night, but nothing stands out. "Nothing in particular," he says. "I laughed a lot. Talked to a bunch of people. More people than I'd usually talk to, but I don't remember anyone in particular. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," Lu says unconvincingly.
Minseok looks at him, but his expression doesn't give anything away. "You're weird sometimes," he says. "Are all angels like that?"
Lu gives him a small smile. "Just me, I think. And only sometimes."
There's something about that wry smile that tugs at Minseok's memory. "You remind me of someone, I think," he says. Lu makes his startled face again, and Minseok smiles. "I don't know who, though. I wonder if there are still a lot of people I haven't remembered. You'd think by now I would have remembered most people who were important to me." He thinks about crying in his kitchen again and frowns. Surely that must have had to do with someone he cared about. "But I'm pretty sure I haven't remembered everyone yet."
"You will," Lu assures him.
Minseok nods, accepting that; Lu should know better than him how this works. Still, he feels strange to think that there are people who were important to him, and maybe even someone he cared about enough to cry his eyes out over, that he still can't remember. He almost feels guilty, like he owes it to people who mattered to remember them and it's his own fault he hasn't. Could he be subconsciously avoiding remembering someone whose memory will hurt him?
Lu's looking at him curiously, and Minseok realizes he's gone silent, just standing there. "I feel bad," he admits. "If there are important people that I still don't remember."
"It's not your fault," Lu says quickly.
"I know, but I feel it anyway."
Lu smiles that same small smile, a little crooked. "It'll happen soon," he says. "And I'm sure anyone you haven't remembered yet would understand."
"Well, it's not like they'd know anyway," Minseok says, trying to laugh off the awkward moment.
Lu doesn't laugh, just turns away and starts walking again. "Soon," is all he says. "And then it won't matter anymore."
* * *
It's not that Lu Han wants Minseok to feel guilty for not remembering him, but it's almost a relief to know that at least he's aware there's something missing and hoping he'll remember it. Hope had flared up briefly when Minseok mentioned Jongin's birthday party, which was where they met for the first time, but it was such a brief meeting and Minseok was drunk (as was Lu Han), so Lu Han can't blame him for not remembering him from there. Still, he's more than ready for it to happen already.
He and Minseok are both quiet as they walk, lost in though, until Minseok says, "Oh, hey, there's something. It was a wedding."
Did Minseok get married? He didn't remember a wife visiting him in the hospital, but they could have not been together anymore, or he could just have not remembered her yet. Lu Han should be happy if Minseok was happy in those twelve years without him, but he can't help feeling nervous at the thought.
Then Minseok laughs. "I thought for a second it might have been my wedding and felt bad if I'd forgotten my wife, but no. It was my friends' wedding. One of my favorite hyungs and his girlfriend who was a friend too. She's Chinese, like you."
Lu Han knows who he's talking about without any names being given, Changmin and Song Qian. He remembers that wedding well, remembers laughing at the way the bride and groom sniped playfully at each other, and holding Minseok's hand under the table and wishing he could stand in front of their friends and families and marry Minseok like that. It was a fun day, and it's a fond, if slightly bittersweet, memory.
"They were a funny couple," Minseok comments. "A lot of teasing, but you could tell that they loved each other. They're still together now." He's smiling, but there's a distant look in his eyes like his mind is half elsewhere.
Please remember, Lu Han thinks. You're so close. Please remember me.
Suddenly, Minseok lets out a frustrated groan, making Lu Han jump. "Sorry," Minseok says sheepishly. "It's just annoying because I know I was with there with someone, but I can't get at that part of the memory. I remember watching the ceremony and there was someone's hand on my back, but I can't see him." He does a doubletake. "Him? See, I even remember it was a guy, but it's just not quite there."
"Soon," Lu Han tells him, trying to sound calm when on the inside, he's thinking, Please please please please please.
"You keep saying that," Minseok says dryly.
Lu Han answers with a grimace, hoping his frustration doesn't show. "Sorry. That's all I've got."
Minseok doesn't respond, his brow furrowing the way it does when he's thinking hard. "I remember something else," he says slowly. "It feels different, but I think it was the same day as that wedding. I was...I was hugging someone. Really tight. I don't remember why yet, but I was happy, and also really...touched. I really loved that person I was hugging. I loved him a lot."
Lu Han holds his breath, hardly daring to hope that the moment he's been waiting for not just since Minseok arrived in between but since he remembered Minseok after his own death all those years ago is finally here. Is this really it or will the memory slip away again?
Minseok's looking down and he's silent for what feels like an eternity, frown deepening. At last, painfully slowly, he looks up. "Lu...Han?"
Lu Han's heart leaps into his throat. "You remember?"
He still can't breathe until Minseok nods, and then he lets everything out in a loud rush before flinging himself at Minseok. He hugs him so tightly it probably hurts, but he can't help it, not when he's been waiting all this time. Minseok fits perfectly into his arms just the way Lu Han remembers, and his heart is full to bursting with complicated feelings, but mostly happiness.
Minseok is quiet and still, not hugging him back, and gradually the awareness of that seeps into Lu Han's consciousness and scares him. Has he made a mistake? Was he right to fear that Minseok had moved on and wouldn't want him anymore even after he remembered? Or is it just too much too soon after Minseok remembered? "Minseok?" he asks tentatively.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says, muffled against Lu Han's chest. "It's just...a lot to take in." A pause, and then he asks, "Why didn't you say anything?" Lu Han doesn't quite know how to answer that, but Minseok doesn't give him a chance anyway. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."
Still so slowly, Minseok lifts his arms and holds Lu Han, not as tight as Lu Han is hugging him, but enough. He lets out a soft sigh and leans into Lu Han. "I missed you," he murmurs. "There's still a lot I don't remember—what happened to you, or...a lot of things—but I remember that I missed you. I didn't forget you."
"Thank you." Lu Han doesn't know if that's the right thing way to respond, but it's what he's thinking, so he says it anyway. "Thank you."
* * *
Minseok's mind is whirling, trying to process everything in it. It's like remembering Lu Han was the trigger to fill in most of the gaps in his memories, probably because a great many of those gaps were Lu Han, or at least were connected to him. He remembers that Lu Han was with him at the wedding, remembers crying over the shopping list Lu Han wrote just before he died, even remembers meeting Lu Han for only a few minutes at Jongin's party.
Lu Han keeps hovering awkwardly, like he wants to help but doesn't know how. Minseok can see that he's happy to be remembered, but nervous too, probably about the way he hid the truth from Minseok until now. Maybe Minseok should be annoyed with him, but he can't really be mad when it's clear that Lu Han desperately wanted him to remember too.
"Have you been here this whole time?" he asks Lu Han. "Since you died?" Lu Han nods, and then Minseok remembers something else, not from his life but from what Lu Han said before. "You said you became an angel because someone was holding you back. That was me?"
Lu Han nods again. "It was also because of how I died, young and so suddenly, but a lot of it was because of you." He looks almost sheepish, and it's adorable. "I just wasn't ready to let go of you. Not even to go into heaven."
"You're an idiot," Minseok tells him, but then he laughs and slings an arm around Lu Han's back to pull him close. "Not that I have any room to talk. I couldn't really let go either."
"So you didn't...?" Minseok gives him a confused look, and Lu Han clarifies, "You said you weren't married, but I thought you might have found someone else. Twelve years is a long time."
Minseok thinks about it, but he doubts there's room in the small gaps still remaining in his memories for a serious relationship. "I did try, eventually, and...I did find people, I think, but there wasn't anything that serious. There wasn't anyone like you."
"That's goo—uh..." Lu Han breaks off mid-word but can't seem to figure out how to amend the statement, and Minseok laughs again.
"You can say it's good. I know you. You'd be jealous if there was someone."
"I would be," Lu Han admits. "But I wouldn't want you to be sad. I wouldn't want you to be alone."
"I wasn't," Minseok assures him. He remembers enough now to say that with confidence. "I did have a hard time after you died, but I wasn't ever alone, and there were lots of times when I was happy. When I wasn't crying over shopping lists."
Lu Han laughs. "I hope that didn't happen a lot."
"Just the once." Minseok still has his arm around Lu Han, and he pulls him in for another hug, partly because he's happy and partly to reassure them both that they're together again and everything difficult that happened in the past doesn't matter anymore.
"I'm sorry that you didn't get to live longer," Lu Han says, wrapping his arms tightly around Minseok, "but it's really good to see you again."
"You too." Minseok chuckles softly, thinking. "Would you still be happy to see me if I'd lived until I was old and gray?"
"You do have a little gray," Lu Han says, and Minseok pulls away to punch his shoulder. Lu Han pouts, but his eyes are twinkling with happiness and love. "But I don't care. You're still you." He hesitates for a moment before asking, "Does it matter to you?"
Minseok looks at Lu Han, and now that his memories have solidified, he can see that Lu Han looks exactly the way he did at twenty-nine, when they were together. Surely he has changed on the inside in the intervening years, but so has Minseok, and it doesn't make a difference. He enjoyed Lu Han's company even before he remembered who he was, and now that he has remembered, Minseok's feelings for Lu Han are returning too. He can't say if those feelings have changed, but the love is still there and still strong, and that's all that matters.
"I don't care either," he says. "I was more in denial about it, since I didn't know it would really happen, but I think we were both waiting to meet again. And now that we have...hey, what's twelve years?"
"Exactly," Lu Han agrees, beaming, before he catches Minseok in another hug.
* * *
Minseok says he has all of his memories back, though he's still sorting through them, but the gate to heaven has yet to appear. "What's it waiting for?" he asks Lu Han.
"I don't know. It's supposed to show up when you're ready to go in. Are you?"
Minseok shrugs. "As ready as I'll ever be. There's no going back, but I'm ready to move forward." He looks consideringly at Lu Han. "What about you? Maybe that's the problem."
"What about me?" Lu Han asks, but he gets it almost as soon as he's asked the question. "You mean that I have to be ready too?"
"Are you coming in with me?" Minseok asks. "You were waiting for me, weren't you?"
"I was." Lu Han's been so focused on waiting for Minseok to remember him that he hasn't thought about what comes after, but he can't put it off any longer.
"Don't tell me you're going to ditch me to stay an angel," Minseok teases. "Or did you want both of us to do that and put off heaven forever?"
"I...no, I don't want that." Lu Han tries to fight down what he knows are irrational feelings. Heaven is supposed to be a wonderful place, and he won't keep Minseok from that. He shouldn't keep himself from it any longer either. Minseok is right that this is what he was waiting for.
"Are you scared?" Minseok asks, still gently teasing.
"I'm n—" Lu Han starts to protest reflexively, but stops himself. He doesn't have to lie to Minseok. "A little," he admits. "It just feels so...final."
"You're already dead," Minseok points out dryly. "That's pretty final."
"I know." It makes sense, but he still can't help being nervous about the change. For all that time doesn't feel the same in between, he's spent twelve years as an angel, and that's a long time. It is scary to move on from that permanently.
Minseok studies him for a long moment, then smiles softly. "Let me tell you one more memory. This one you won't know about." He takes Lu Han's forearm, then slides down to hold his hand, lacing their fingers together. "When the doctors told me there wasn't anything more they could do for me, I was upset, and scared too. Dying suddenly is awful, but death can be scarier when you have time to prepare for it, I think."
Lu Han doesn't know where Minseok is going with this, but he listens patiently. "For the first month or so, I was really struggling with it. But then my mom came to visit. She was having trouble accepting it too, and she hadn't visited much because she couldn't handle it, but finally she came. She said, 'I've been thinking a lot about what comes after death. I believe in heaven, but it's still scary, somehow, unknown.
"But then I thought about how Lu Han always took such good care of you, and supported you, and...you were always strong, but with him by your side, you were braver than before. And I thought...if he's waiting for you in heaven, which I'm sure he is, then there's nothing for you to be scared of. I don't know if it'll help you to think about that, but it helps me, to know that even though you're leaving us, you won't be alone.'"
There's a lump in Lu Han's throat, not just from Minseok's words but from the way Minseok is looking at him with so much affection in his eyes that Lu Han wonders how he could have ever worried that Minseok would stop loving him. He smiles hesitantly, and Minseok's answering smile is warm and bright and just for him.
"I thought about that a lot," Minseok continues. "I still didn't want to die, but it helped me make peace with it and not be scared about what would come next. I thought that whatever it was, you had faced it before me, and if you had any say in the matter, I wouldn't go through it alone. And I was right, wasn't I?" He squeezes Lu Han's hand. "So don't be scared. We can face anything together, right?"
Lu Han has to laugh. "And here I thought I'd help you when you died. I didn't think I'd need you to help me go into heaven."
Minseok laughs too. "You did help me, but now it's my turn. So what do you say? Are you ready to go in?"
Lu Han remembers Yixing asking him the same thing what feels like so long ago, and he remembers not feeling ready to let go of his human life and of Minseok most of all. But he has moved on from his human life, bit by bit over the time he's spent as an angel, and now Minseok is here with him, holding his hand tightly. He's still scared, deep down, but it's time. The only thing still holding him back is fear, and he needs to let go of that too.
The gate to heaven appears, a now familiar sight, except that this time Lu Han knows that it's not only for the soul he's guiding but for him too. It's as beautiful as always, and what lies beyond it must be even more so. Lu Han's wondered for as long as he's been in between what heaven is like, but this is the first time he's felt strongly drawn to it, like it's calling him in. The fear isn't gone, but what Minseok's mother said to him is true for Lu Han too: he's braver with Minseok by his side.
"I'm ready when you are," he says firmly.
He looks at Minseok, who smiles, and to Lu Han's eyes, that's almost as bright as the gate itself. "All right," Minseok says. "Then let's go."
Minseok takes a step forward, pulling Lu Han with him, and Lu Han's fear melts away before the beauty of the gate and the comfort of Minseok beside him. They walk right up to the gate and then together, without hesitation, they step through.
Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment back at LJ!
Part 2
Lu Han thinks nothing of it when he gets the call to guide a new soul, a sort of subconscious pull that tells him where to go and when. The way time passes here, it's hard to say how long he's been doing this, but he's sure years have passed as he's guided a great many souls to heaven. Each soul is different, but to him, the process is the same, the walk so familiar that he scarcely thinks about the surroundings that were once so strange to him.
He arrives there just in time, and he's about to say a greeting when he actually looks at the soul he's supposed to guide and his words die in his throat at the sight of a painfully familiar face. Despite his baby face, Minseok is noticeably older, fine lines around his eyes and mouth and a tiny sprinkling of gray in his hair, but Lu Han would know him anywhere. He's been at this for a long time now, his human life long since left behind, but he hasn't forgotten Minseok or how very much he loved him.
One would think that after all this time, those feelings would have faded somewhat, even though Minseok is a big part of the reason he's here instead of in heaven. Lu Han has met a lot of human souls and made friends among the angels living in between, and he's changed since he died. But seeing Minseok again now, regardless of the time that's passed, regardless of him being an angel and Minseok being older and dead, Lu Han feels like his love for Minseok hasn't changed at all, his heart swelling with the reminder of it.
But Minseok is only a human soul, freshly dead and ready to go to heaven, and the confusion in his eyes when he looks at Lu Han has nothing to do with surprised recognition. "Where am I?" Before Lu Han can answer, he adds, "Am I dead?"
"Yes." Lu Han's voice sounds small, and he's not sure if it really is or if it's only that everything seems distant and strange right now. He's been waiting so long for this that now that it's happened, it feels unreal. "I'll take you to heaven soon, but right now, you're in between."
"In between what?" Minseok asks.
"That's just what we call it," Lu Han explains mechanically. "In between Earth and heaven."
"Oh." Minseok still sounds dazed, but he's starting to settle, to process what's happened to him. "And who are you?"
Lu Han's been asked that by many souls before, and this is the first time it's ever hurt. "I'm an angel," he says. Normally, he'd give his name, but there's part of him that's hoping Minseok will know it without being told.
"An angel?" Minseok looks him up and down and then smiles wryly. "You do look the part." Then, "I'm...Minseok. Kim Minseok." He frowns. "Why can't I remember anything else?"
"I don't know why, but that's how it is. You'll remember while we walk." This, too, is a normal conversation, but now Lu Han thinks about what that means. Will Minseok remember him? He should, but what will happen when he does? Lu Han's no longer new to being an angel, but this situation is different from anything he's faced before. He's never guided someone he knew before. Is he supposed to pretend not to know Minseok until he remembers? Should he tell him everything once he starts to?
Minseok is still frowning, but he nods slowly. "I think...I don't feel surprised that I'm dead. Does that mean anything? Maybe I was sick." He shrugs. "I guess I'll remember soon enough." Even without his memories, Minseok is very much himself, taking life (and now death) in stride the way Lu Han remembers. "Does it take long to get to heaven?"
"It takes a different amount of time for every soul, but it'll be as long as you need."
"Are all angels this cryptic?" Minseok asks dryly. He doesn't wait for an answer. "Do you have a name?"
"You can call me Lu," Lu Han answers without letting himself think too hard about why he leaves it at that.
"Nice to meet you, Lu."
It sounds so wrong coming from Minseok, but Lu Han tries not to let it show that it bothers him. He bobs his head in greeting, then says, "And I'm not being cryptic. That's just how things work here."
Minseok looks skeptical, but then he shrugs again. "All right, then. Lead the way, Lu."
For one long moment, Lu Han stares at him, letting it sink in that Minseok is here, in between and on his way to heaven. When he chose to become an angel, he thought this was the moment he was waiting for, when Minseok would appear and after an immediate happy reunion, Lu Han would be ready to go into heaven with him. The reality of it feels more complicated, and that's hard to take.
He stares for too long and Minseok gives him a funny look. "Is something wrong?"
Lu Han quickly shakes his head. "It's nothing. Let's go." Turning away, he starts to lead Minseok toward heaven.
Minseok walks in silence a step behind Lu. For a while, he tries to look around, but he quickly realizes that there's nothing to see here, or at least nothing that his mind can hold on to. That's weird, but considering that he's in the afterlife being led around by an angel, he should probably expect some weirdness. Once he figures out that there's no point in looking at the scenery, he watches Lu instead, trying not to be too obvious about it.
The angel looks like an ordinary, if attractive, guy, casually dressed in a t-shirt and cargo shorts, with his medium-length dark brown hair unstyled. He does look cute and innocent, so in that way Minseok supposes he looks angelic, but he's not glowing and he doesn't have wings or any other indication that he's more than human. Minseok has no reason to doubt him, but it's hard to believe he's really what he says he is when he looks so normal.
He's startled out of his thoughts when Lu suddenly asks, "Do you remember anything else yet?"
Setting aside his observation of his traveling companion, Minseok considers his memories. He knows his name and where he's from, but still not much else. He has a vague recollection of a house and two people older than him, maybe his parents, but it's fuzzy, like the memory of a dream that will slip through his fingers if he tries any harder to grasp at it. "Not really," he answers.
Lu frowns like he's disappointed, and Minseok wonders why he cares. Does he get some kind of angel brownie points if Minseok remembers quickly? Before he can ask, Lu says, "Well, it'll happen eventually. Let's keep going."
"How does it work?" Minseok asks as they start to walk again. "Should I remember the end of my life first and go backwards or start with childhood memories?"
"It's different for everyone," Lu tells him without turning around. "Sometimes it's chronological, or sometimes people remember important things first, or sometimes it seems completely random. For me, it didn't follow any pattern as far as I could tell."
"For you?" Minseok asks, surprised.
He can just make out the corner of a smile on Lu's face. "Yes, for me. I was in your place once."
"You mean you were human too?" That explains Lu's ordinary appearance but raises all kinds of other questions.
"That's right. I was a normal human too, and then I died and became an angel, and now I guide humans like you."
"Will I become an angel too?" Minseok doesn't remember if he ever gave much thought to what comes after death, but he doesn't think that's what he would have expected of it.
Lu seems startled by the question for some reason. "Maybe. Most people don't."
"Then what makes you special?" Minseok asks, aiming for a teasing tone to lighten the atmosphere.
"I'm not special." Lu sounds torn between being amused and...Minseok's not sure what, but maybe a little sad. "I just wasn't ready to go into heaven before. That's all it takes to become an angel, deciding not to go in."
"Why the hell would you decide not to go into heaven?" It's hard to imagine anyone choosing to give up paradise.
"I just...did, that's all." Lu sounds flustered, and Minseok feels awkward. "Anyway, it's not forever. I can decide to go in when I want to."
"Oh, that's—" Minseok breaks off, distracted by a memory materializing in his mind out of nowhere. "I remember something!"
"Oh?" Lu seems wary for some reason, but Minseok is too pleased at finally having remembered something concrete to think about that.
"I remember a baby," he explains. "My little sister. I must have been really young, but I remember that she cried a lot and my mom told me I should be a good big brother and always take care of her." He frowns as the implications sink in; does that mean that his sister is out there mourning his death? He can't remember anything after that, if he and his sister were close, if they'd lost contact or if she died before him.
Lu, on the other hand, is smiling, just a little. He belatedly notices that Minseok is looking at him, and his expression shifts into something more neutral. "That's a good start," he says gruffly. "Maybe you'll start with your earliest memories and move forward."
"So I won't remember how I died until the very end?" That may be just as well, but he's too curious to wait. It doesn't really make a difference if he knows what happened to him, but it feels important anyway.
"Don't be in such a hurry to remember that," Lu counsels. "Death isn't usually a nice memory." That sounds depressing, but then he smiles, seemingly genuine. "So, you had a sister?"
Minseok lets himself be distracted, smiling back. "I guess so." He considers his memories and finds that a few more of him with his sister have trickled back in. Lu seems interested, so he searches for a good story to tell as they start to walk again. "I remember when she was maybe two years old..."
It's so jarring, talking to Minseok after all this time. Not bad, but strange, because Minseok is part of Lu Han's human life, a far-off but unfaded memory, and yet here he is, in between and talking to Lu Han like nothing has changed.
Well, not exactly like nothing has changed, because Minseok is talking casually to him, but like Lu Han is a near stranger, not a close friend and definitely not a lover. That's jarring too, in a different way, and Lu Han wonders if it'll change once Minseok remembers him. Of course he'll remember what they were to each other, but what about what came after that? Lu Han doesn't know if Minseok held on to his memory or let him go, or if Minseok fell in love again. For all he knows, Minseok was angry with Lu Han for leaving him behind so suddenly, as irrational as that might be, and he won't be happy to see him again.
With all that on his mind, it's hard to focus on what Minseok is saying as he recounts his slowly returning memories. He was saying something about being so scared before his first day of school that he pleaded with his mother not to make him go, but Lu Han has lost track of the story, caught up in his own thoughts.
At the same time, he may not be listening to every word Minseok says, but it's hard to focus on anything but Minseok. Lu Han always did get caught up in Minseok's existence, no matter what he was doing or saying, and it seems that neither death nor the years since he last saw Minseok have changed that.
He attempts to listen, anyway, and watches Minseok and nods like he's paying attention until he's startled by a sudden question. "W-what?" he stammers.
He's relieved when Minseok laughs, apparently not insulted. "Were you listening at all? Sorry, I guess I was rambling."
"No, I'm sorry," Lu Han hastily apologizes, trying not to get distracted again by how much he likes Minseok's smile, especially when it's directed at him. "I just spaced out. What did you say?"
Minseok is still smiling, and oh, yes, Lu Han missed that very much. "I asked if you have any brothers or sisters."
They've stopped walking again, so Lu Han can turn his full attention on Minseok. "I don't. In China, when I was born, people were only allowed to have one child."
"Oh, you're Chinese?"
Lu Han bites back a laugh, remembering Minseok asking him exactly that soon after they first met. "I am."
"But aren't you speaking Korean? Or is that a heaven thing, that I can understand you? Or whatever you call this place, in between."
This time Lu Han does laugh. "I'm speaking Korean. I lived in Korea for a long time."
That intrigues Minseok, and Lu Han cautiously answers his questions about where and why and for how long. "What made you stick around all those years?" he asks.
"I, um..." Lu Han hesitates, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to keep the truth from Minseok. He'll remember sooner or later, and until he does, he won't have any reason to connect what Lu Han tells him to his own experiences. (And would it really be so bad if he just told Minseok everything? But he wants Minseok to remember him on his own, not be pushed into it.) "I thought I would go back to China eventually," he says, "but then I fell in love."
"That would do it. Did you like living in Korea?"
"I did," Lu Han answers without hesitation. His life there wasn't perfect, but it was good. "I was very happy."
There's nothing really personal in Minseok's answering smile, but it's warm and it makes Lu Han feel good. He wants more, wants Minseok to smile at his own memories of both of them rather than Lu Han's, but this is something. After so many years without Minseok, he can be satisfied with this for a little while.
Now that they've started talking more, it's actually pleasant, walking through this nowhere place with Lu. Minseok's not normally the most talkative guy (he knows that even without having any memories to back it up), but somehow Lu is easy to talk to. Sure, he spaces out on a regular basis and doesn't hear what Minseok's saying, but he seems fascinated by Minseok anyway. It makes Minseok wonder if all angels are like this or if they're as different as the humans they once were.
The memories Minseok has regained so far are mostly nice, fun times with his sister and early school experiences, some scary at the time, but with the perspective of an adult, nothing serious. He's sure there must be worse things for him to remember, because who doesn't have bad experiences, but for now, he's enjoying what he has and not worrying about the rest. It'll come back to him in time.
Then something new hits him and he breaks off in the middle of telling Lu about playing on the soccer team in elementary school. This memory is not a nice one; he remembers sadness, and tears burning in his eyes. "What's wrong?" Lu asks.
"I was at a funeral, I think," Minseok says, closing his eyes as he reaches for the details. "I felt like crying but I was trying not to, because...oh, because it was my grandfather's funeral, and he'd always been so strong that I thought I should be like him and not cry."
"Oh." Minseok opens his eyes at the tone of Lu's voice. He sounds almost hurt, which makes no sense. He's about to ask why when Lu hastily asks, "Were you young?"
"Twelve or so? No, wait, I was already in junior high. I was fourteen." He frowns as he thinks about that. "I guess that means I'm not remembering in chronological order? There's still a lot I don't remember before that."
"No, I guess not. Like I told you, sometimes it's just random." Lu sounds normal again, but Minseok still catches a hint of sad puppy in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you knew my grandpa," he says.
"What? Why would I?" Lu asks.
"I don't know. You looked sad when I mentioned it." Minseok studies Lu's expression, but he can't read anything in particular there anymore.
Lu shakes his head emphatically. "It just brought back memories for me too. That's all."
"That must happen a lot, huh?" Minseok asks. "Humans have so many common experiences."
"It does," Lu agrees. "But this is about you, so don't let me interfere. Do you remember anything else about the funeral or your grandfather?"
He does, more details of the funeral that it hurts to remember, but also happy moments with his grandfather before his death. It's strange, having these oases of memories while other parts are completely blank, but that seems to be what he's going to get for now. It's also strange looking at his life like this, moments of happiness and pride and moments of sadness and pain. "Life is a funny thing, isn't it?" he says.
Lu doesn't ask what he means, only nods. "It really is."
The good thing about the revelation that Minseok isn't remembering his life in chronological order is that he could remember Lu Han at any time without having to wait. The bad thing is that Lu Han can't predict it and prepare himself accordingly. It leaves him on edge, excited but also wary. He can't be sure how the memory will come out or how Minseok will react to it, or what other things Minseok will remember about his life after Lu Han. He also doesn't know what experiences Minseok had that could have changed his feelings about Lu Han after his death. Still, there's nothing he can do but wait, and enjoy Minseok's company in the meantime.
And he does enjoy talking to Minseok, despite his nerves. Minseok seems to be becoming more and more animated as he remembers more about his life, like each piece of himself that comes back gives him a little more color. It's like that with every soul, probably, but Lu Han notices it more with Minseok because with each passing moment, he becomes more and more like the Minseok Lu Han remembers.
"I don't know why this is important," he tells Lu Han as another memory returns, "or if it even is, but I remember going to a concert. I'm not sure whose, but some kind of kpop? Anyway, I was so excited because it was the first time my parents let me go to a concert. I was usually pretty quiet back then, but I just went crazy and cheered and danced and everything." He laughs happily. "That was fun."
"Concerts are great." Lu Han isn't thinking of that concert, or of the first one he went to himself, but of one he went to with Minseok. It was only a few months after they started dating, but they'd already been friends long enough that Lu Han didn't hesitate to throw himself into his enjoyment of the concert, screaming and singing along. Minseok laughed at him, but he was just as enthusiastic. He smiles to himself at the memory.
"What are you thinking about?" Minseok asks. Off Lu Han's surprised look, he explains, "You were smiling like you were remembering something too."
"I was thinking about a concert I went to," Lu Han tells him. "With my boyfriend."
Minseok takes the last part in stride. (And why wouldn't he? Even if he doesn't remember having a boyfriend himself, there's a certain self-awareness about things like that that souls seem to have independent of memories.) "Did you drag him there or vice versa?"
"Neither. We were both big fans."
Minseok smiles widely. "That sounds like fun, being able to share that excitement with someone."
"It was," Lu Han agrees, but his focus is elsewhere, wondering if this will be the trigger to get Minseok to remember him or if it's just a false alarm. What will it take? Will it make any difference at all what Lu Han says to him?
But Minseok only keeps smiling and turns away. "I wonder if I had anyone like that," he says thoughtfully. "A boyfriend, I mean, or a girlfriend. Odds are I did at some point, but I don't remember anyone yet." He sighs wistfully. "I guess it would be better if I wasn't with anyone when I died, wouldn't it? I'd hate to think I left someone like that behind."
"Yes." Against his better judgment, Lu Han adds, "It's hard."
Minseok turns to look at him, but whatever he sees in Lu Han's expression makes him think better of asking for more information. He only nods before saying instead, "So tell me more about this concert you went to. Who was it?"
So it's not the time yet, Lu Han thinks, but maybe it's just as well. He's happy to smile at Minseok again and leave the difficult things for later.
Maybe it's because of the happy memory of the concert or maybe it's because he's been talking about music and other fun things with Lu after that, but Minseok lets his guard down, and he's not prepared for the next memory that comes to him. The emotion hits him before the memory is fully formed, a wave of intense grief that that seems to come out of nowhere, and he stumbles and crashes right into Lu.
"What's wrong?" the angel asks, grabbing Minseok's arms to steady him, but quickly dropping them once he's found his feet.
"I..." Minseok bites his lip, fighting back the urge to cry as he tries to understand the images in his mind. "I don't know. I remember being in a kitchen and I felt so sad, but I don't remember why. There was...a shopping list?" That sounds ridiculous, but that's what he remembers. "I cried over a shopping list. My friend found me and he kind of freaked out, but he sat with me and kept me company."
Lu's eyes go wide, but then he gives a little shake of his head and his expression turns more neutral before he asks, "You don't know why a shopping list made you cry?"
Minseok tries to reach for the explanation that must be somewhere in his mind, but he can't find it. "I don't remember. I just know that I cried really hard." It's frustrating not being able to remember more than that, even with the memory right there. Surely he should remember something that would make him cry so much more easily. "If I ask why I can't remember, are you going to tell me that that's just the way it goes?"
Lu's answering smile is wry but small. "Unfortunately. I—" He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "After I died, I could remember that I was living with someone and I could remember bits and pieces about him and moments we were together, but it took me the longest time to actually remember him, even though he was so important to me. There's no explaining it."
Minseok sighs and swipes a hand over his eyes. The memory of crying is so strong that he's surprised to find them dry. "I guess it makes sense to not remember all at once because it'd be overwhelming, but I just want to get it over with. I don't like not knowing."
Lu nods sympathetically and doesn't say anything else, so Minseok takes another look at the memory. He still doesn't remember why the shopping list made him cry, but there are other details filled in. "Baekhyun," he says, the name feeling familiar in his mouth. Lu looks briefly startled, but it disappears when Minseok continues, "That was my friend who was there. He was always the worst at comforting people, unless something could be laughed off."
That gets a smile from Lu. "He must have been so shocked to find you crying."
"He was," Minseok agrees. "I don't remember most of them well, but I think...I had good friends. Whatever it was that I was dealing with, I had good friends helping me through it." Focusing on that makes him feel a little better, a little more steady.
"I'm glad," Lu says. He's not touching Minseok now, but he's still standing close, and he tentatively reaches out a hand to rest on Minseok's shoulder. Lu may not quite be a friend yet, but it's comforting to know that now, too, he's not alone in dealing with what life and death have to throw at him.
Minseok has gone quiet again, and Lu Han can't really blame him, after the last thing he remembered. Lu Han's got a lot on his mind too; he doesn't know for sure, but he strongly suspects that he was the reason Minseok was crying over a shopping list, and it hurts to think about that. It may be long past, but it's making Minseok sad again now, and Lu Han doesn't like that. It's not really his fault, but he feels responsible anyway.
It's also clearly bothering Minseok that he doesn't remember everything, and Lu Han is torn between telling him what he knows or waiting it out. It won't make it any better to tell him more, will it? He'll still be sad, and he'll probably only be more frustrated at not remembering Lu Han. Besides, Lu Han doesn't know what happened after he died.
There doesn't really seem to be a good option, so Lu Han waits and walks, darting occasional glances over at Minseok to see how he's doing. He's still lost in thought, but at the fourth or fifth glance, he notices and flashes Lu Han a reassuring smile. It's a smile Lu Han remembers seeing many times, and he can't help smiling back in spite of everything.
He's relieved when Minseok finally breaks the silence. "Sorry. I'm being boring."
Lu Han shakes his head. "It's okay. You don't have to entertain me."
"I remember more now, about my friends, but I still don't know why a shopping list made me cry." He laughs a little, and Lu Han has to admit it is kind of funny when he puts it like that. "I'm ready to remember something else now. Something happy this time, please." He looks up like he's appealing to whatever power might be responsible for the way his memories are returning. (Despite being an angel, Lu Han doesn't know anything about that.)
If there is some higher power controlling Minseok's memories, it's not listening, because nothing comes for a while. At last, Minseok says, "Oh! There's something. I was in a hospital..." Lu Han tenses, wondering again if this is it, but then Minseok smiles and he knows the memory isn't about him. "I was waiting for a baby to be born."
Now Lu Han tenses for a different reason. Could Minseok have had a child? It wouldn't be so surprising, considering how happy Lu Han remembers him being about becoming an uncle, but that would mean that there was someone else in his life, a woman.
That train of thought ends abruptly when Minseok continues, "I was with Jongdae. My friend. His wife didn't want him in the room during the birth so he was pacing back and forth and back and forth in the hallway." His smile widens, eyes sparkling, and Lu Han almost gets lost in them. "He was so happy when his son was born, smiling so big his eyes crinkled up and disappeared and it looked like his face might break."
Lu Han can picture exactly the smile Minseok is talking about, and he smiles to himself at the thought. He has no doubt that Jongdae must have been (and still is, he hopes) a wonderful husband and father.
"Did you have kids?" Minseok asks, then catches himself. "Oh, wait, you said you had a boyfriend, so..."
"I didn't," Lu Han tells him.
"Me neither." Minseok frowns as he thinks about what he said. "I don't think so, anyway. But...I did have nephews. Two. My sister's kids." He smiles again, so happy at the thought, and especially after seeing him upset earlier, Lu Han is glad of it. "They're good kids. I'll miss them." His smile falters as he considers that, probably realizing that those kids are going to grow up without him now.
Lu Han doesn't want to see him sad again, so he hastily says, "You'll see them again someday, I'm sure."
Minseok's smile steadies and he nods. "You're right," he agrees. "But hopefully not for a good long time."
Minseok's memories seem to be returning faster now. He remembers large chunks of his childhood, and what he doesn't remember clearly or at all he suspects is because he was too young or it was too long ago, not because those memories haven't come back yet. It's nice to have that, to remember more of how he became the person he's known that he is since he arrived in between. It's nice to have those good memories too, because his childhood wasn't perfect, but it was happy overall.
He's stopped telling Lu about every memory because there's too much, but he keeps talking about the big ones, partly because it makes it feel more real to say it out loud and partly just because Lu seems so interested. He doesn't know why, when Lu has probably guided countless people as they regain their memories, but it's a nice feeling, having the angel's attention on him. Minseok's not accustomed to people being so interested in what he has to say.
Minseok's still impatient to fill in some of the major gaps in his memory, but now that he's remembering more quickly, he feels confident that it'll happen soon and he can turn his attention to other things while he waits. "Do you like being an angel?" he asks Lu.
"I do," Lu answers with a smile. "I get to meet a lot of interesting people when I guide them, and the other angels are good company."
"Yeah? Do you guys hang out when you're not guiding humans? Do you have some kind of angel lounge?" Minseok pictures a group of people who all look strangely like Lu sprawled out around a big living room, talking like old friends.
Lu laughs. "Not really a lounge, but we can find each other easily enough. Some of us like to spend time together and others prefer to be alone. There's one newer guy, Kyungsoo, and...he's kind of like you, actually. He likes company, but it has to be the right people, and he has to be in the right mood for it. He likes me, usually, but he gets annoyed with other people sometimes."
That does sound like Minseok, but it's strange that Lu knows that about him. Has he revealed so much in the short time they've known each other? "I wonder why someone like that would want to be an angel," he comments.
"I asked, but he wouldn't tell me why," Lu says, a cute little pout on his face.
"So just like you when I asked?" Minseok teases.
Lu winces in response, and Minseok laughs. "It's not that I don't want to tell you," Lu says. "It's just hard to explain." Before Minseok can ask about that, he adds, "My friend Yixing became an angel so he can be the one to guide his grandmother to heaven when she dies."
"Now that sounds angelic," Minseok says dryly.
Lu laughs again. "He's not, really, once you get to know him, but in that way, he is. And he's good at this, you know, helping people through the journey to heaven. He was the one who guided me."
"And look how that turned out." The joke falls flat and Minseok feels awkward. "Do you think I would make a good angel?" he asks instead.
Lu looks alarmed by the question. "I don't—well, yes, you probably would, but...you shouldn't think like that. You'd only become an angel if you're not ready for heaven."
"So if there's something holding me back? Someone?" There's nothing like that in his memories so far, but there's a lot still missing. He can't imagine waiting around for his grandmother, but could there be someone else?
"It doesn't have to be someone, but it often is," Lu says, gone quiet.
"It was for you?" Minseok ventures. Lu hesitates for a long moment, and then nods. Something tells Minseok he shouldn't press for details, so instead he asks, "Are you happy with your decision, then?"
This time Lu doesn't hesitate to nod, though there are still complicated emotions plainly written on his face. "Well..." Minseok flashes him what he hopes is a cheering smile. "I hope you keep enjoying being an angel until the person you're waiting for comes. I'm sure he or she will be happy to see you again."
Lu doesn't smile back, only nods again. "I hope so."
Lu Han is trying not to be obviously on edge, but his patience is wearing thin waiting to find out when and how Minseok will remember him, and how he'll react once he does. He just wants to get it over with instead of waiting and waiting. He wants to get it over with, and the longer it takes, the more guilty he feels about not saying anything to Minseok. He's not really lying to him, but he is hiding the truth.
The next memory Minseok tells him about starts with, "I was at the doctor's office—that is, in a hospital..." but Lu Han doesn't dare get his hopes up this time. Besides, he doesn't really want the first memory of him that Minseok regains to be sitting by his hospital bed. It's not, though, because Minseok continues, "I must have been sick because I had an IV in my arm. I...oh." He breaks off abruptly and Lu Han turns to see him frowning. "I probably know how I died now."
"What happened?"
"Cancer," Minseok says shortly. "The doctor was telling me that I'd run out of treatment options." He's still frowning, but then he shrugs and flashes Lu Han a weak smile. "I guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I'm dead no matter what, and I know now that death isn't the end."
"Still," Lu Han says, "that must have been hard. How old were you?"
Minseok stops and thinks about it. "Forty-one. I'd just turned forty-one."
So Minseok lived twelve years after Lu Han. Forty-one is still young to die, but twelve years sounds like a lot to Lu Han, twice as long as they were together. What else happened to Minseok in those twelve years Lu Han missed out on?
"I was sick for a while," Minseok continues after a moment. "Years, I think, on and off, but I was still shocked to hear that. I wonder if anyone ever really expects to find out that they're going to die."
Lu Han nods. "Did you have anyone with you?" he asks. He's reaching, selfishly.
Minseok shakes his head and Lu Han tries not to feel happy, because he shouldn't be happy that Minseok was alone. "There wasn't anyone with me at the office. And..." He cocks his head as he thinks, looking cuter than someone his age has any right to be. "I vaguely remember friends visiting me in the hospital. My parents. My sister. No kids except my sister's, and no wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. I would remember that, wouldn't I?"
Lu Han shrugs. "Probably, but it's hard to say."
Minseok sounds a little wistful as he says, "It would've been nice, in a way, but...at least I had family who cared about me, and good friends. Even if I don't remember being in love, I wasn't alone."
Lu Han doesn't trust his voice or what might come out of his mouth if he tried to respond, so he just nods.
Luckily, Minseok's not one to dwell on emotional things, so he quickly changes the subject. "So, what's it going to take to get me to heaven? I remember a lot more now. Isn't it about time?"
"But you don't remember everything." Minseok gives him a strange look, so Lu Han hurriedly adds, "Do you?"
"I guess not," Minseok concedes. "But can we get on with it?" He taps his head as though that will dislodge some hidden memories.
Lu Han laughs. "I'll be sure to pass that on to whoever's in charge of these things, if I ever find out who that is."
He's glad when Minseok smiles at him. "Please do."
There's a lot on Minseok's mind as he waits for his remaining memories to return. He remembers as close to the beginning of his life as his memories reach, and nearly to the end, but there are still so many gaps in the middle that he's impatient to fill, and it's frustrating having no control over it. Beyond that, remembering his breakdown over the shopping list, he knows there must be something important that happened, and he's nervous about getting those memories back. If something hurt him that much, does he really want to remember it?
He's almost unconsciously bracing himself for that, but the next memory that comes seems to be a good one. He's in an apartment, not his own, at what seems to be a party. The details come back more slowly than the visual, and haphazardly, telling him that it's Jongin's birthday party before he remembers exactly who Jongin is. "I was at a party for my friend's birthday," he tells Lu. "A university party, so...you can imagine."
Lu nods, smiling absently, but then he seems to think of something and his eyes go wide. "What?" Minseok asks.
"Nothing."
Minseok doesn't believe him, but he lets it go, focused on the new memory. "It was pretty crazy," he continues. "Some of Jongin's friends got him really drunk." He laughs at the memory; only Jongin would dance gracefully on top of tables while drunk. "I wasn't quite drunk enough for all the craziness, but it was fun to watch."
"That does sound fun," Lu agrees. "Did you...that is, do you remember anything else about that party?"
It sounds like he's fishing for something, but Minseok can't figure out why. It was just a party, wasn't it? He sorts through his (admittedly somewhat fuzzy thanks to the alcohol) memories of the night, but nothing stands out. "Nothing in particular," he says. "I laughed a lot. Talked to a bunch of people. More people than I'd usually talk to, but I don't remember anyone in particular. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," Lu says unconvincingly.
Minseok looks at him, but his expression doesn't give anything away. "You're weird sometimes," he says. "Are all angels like that?"
Lu gives him a small smile. "Just me, I think. And only sometimes."
There's something about that wry smile that tugs at Minseok's memory. "You remind me of someone, I think," he says. Lu makes his startled face again, and Minseok smiles. "I don't know who, though. I wonder if there are still a lot of people I haven't remembered. You'd think by now I would have remembered most people who were important to me." He thinks about crying in his kitchen again and frowns. Surely that must have had to do with someone he cared about. "But I'm pretty sure I haven't remembered everyone yet."
"You will," Lu assures him.
Minseok nods, accepting that; Lu should know better than him how this works. Still, he feels strange to think that there are people who were important to him, and maybe even someone he cared about enough to cry his eyes out over, that he still can't remember. He almost feels guilty, like he owes it to people who mattered to remember them and it's his own fault he hasn't. Could he be subconsciously avoiding remembering someone whose memory will hurt him?
Lu's looking at him curiously, and Minseok realizes he's gone silent, just standing there. "I feel bad," he admits. "If there are important people that I still don't remember."
"It's not your fault," Lu says quickly.
"I know, but I feel it anyway."
Lu smiles that same small smile, a little crooked. "It'll happen soon," he says. "And I'm sure anyone you haven't remembered yet would understand."
"Well, it's not like they'd know anyway," Minseok says, trying to laugh off the awkward moment.
Lu doesn't laugh, just turns away and starts walking again. "Soon," is all he says. "And then it won't matter anymore."
It's not that Lu Han wants Minseok to feel guilty for not remembering him, but it's almost a relief to know that at least he's aware there's something missing and hoping he'll remember it. Hope had flared up briefly when Minseok mentioned Jongin's birthday party, which was where they met for the first time, but it was such a brief meeting and Minseok was drunk (as was Lu Han), so Lu Han can't blame him for not remembering him from there. Still, he's more than ready for it to happen already.
He and Minseok are both quiet as they walk, lost in though, until Minseok says, "Oh, hey, there's something. It was a wedding."
Did Minseok get married? He didn't remember a wife visiting him in the hospital, but they could have not been together anymore, or he could just have not remembered her yet. Lu Han should be happy if Minseok was happy in those twelve years without him, but he can't help feeling nervous at the thought.
Then Minseok laughs. "I thought for a second it might have been my wedding and felt bad if I'd forgotten my wife, but no. It was my friends' wedding. One of my favorite hyungs and his girlfriend who was a friend too. She's Chinese, like you."
Lu Han knows who he's talking about without any names being given, Changmin and Song Qian. He remembers that wedding well, remembers laughing at the way the bride and groom sniped playfully at each other, and holding Minseok's hand under the table and wishing he could stand in front of their friends and families and marry Minseok like that. It was a fun day, and it's a fond, if slightly bittersweet, memory.
"They were a funny couple," Minseok comments. "A lot of teasing, but you could tell that they loved each other. They're still together now." He's smiling, but there's a distant look in his eyes like his mind is half elsewhere.
Please remember, Lu Han thinks. You're so close. Please remember me.
Suddenly, Minseok lets out a frustrated groan, making Lu Han jump. "Sorry," Minseok says sheepishly. "It's just annoying because I know I was with there with someone, but I can't get at that part of the memory. I remember watching the ceremony and there was someone's hand on my back, but I can't see him." He does a doubletake. "Him? See, I even remember it was a guy, but it's just not quite there."
"Soon," Lu Han tells him, trying to sound calm when on the inside, he's thinking, Please please please please please.
"You keep saying that," Minseok says dryly.
Lu Han answers with a grimace, hoping his frustration doesn't show. "Sorry. That's all I've got."
Minseok doesn't respond, his brow furrowing the way it does when he's thinking hard. "I remember something else," he says slowly. "It feels different, but I think it was the same day as that wedding. I was...I was hugging someone. Really tight. I don't remember why yet, but I was happy, and also really...touched. I really loved that person I was hugging. I loved him a lot."
Lu Han holds his breath, hardly daring to hope that the moment he's been waiting for not just since Minseok arrived in between but since he remembered Minseok after his own death all those years ago is finally here. Is this really it or will the memory slip away again?
Minseok's looking down and he's silent for what feels like an eternity, frown deepening. At last, painfully slowly, he looks up. "Lu...Han?"
Lu Han's heart leaps into his throat. "You remember?"
He still can't breathe until Minseok nods, and then he lets everything out in a loud rush before flinging himself at Minseok. He hugs him so tightly it probably hurts, but he can't help it, not when he's been waiting all this time. Minseok fits perfectly into his arms just the way Lu Han remembers, and his heart is full to bursting with complicated feelings, but mostly happiness.
Minseok is quiet and still, not hugging him back, and gradually the awareness of that seeps into Lu Han's consciousness and scares him. Has he made a mistake? Was he right to fear that Minseok had moved on and wouldn't want him anymore even after he remembered? Or is it just too much too soon after Minseok remembered? "Minseok?" he asks tentatively.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says, muffled against Lu Han's chest. "It's just...a lot to take in." A pause, and then he asks, "Why didn't you say anything?" Lu Han doesn't quite know how to answer that, but Minseok doesn't give him a chance anyway. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter."
Still so slowly, Minseok lifts his arms and holds Lu Han, not as tight as Lu Han is hugging him, but enough. He lets out a soft sigh and leans into Lu Han. "I missed you," he murmurs. "There's still a lot I don't remember—what happened to you, or...a lot of things—but I remember that I missed you. I didn't forget you."
"Thank you." Lu Han doesn't know if that's the right thing way to respond, but it's what he's thinking, so he says it anyway. "Thank you."
Minseok's mind is whirling, trying to process everything in it. It's like remembering Lu Han was the trigger to fill in most of the gaps in his memories, probably because a great many of those gaps were Lu Han, or at least were connected to him. He remembers that Lu Han was with him at the wedding, remembers crying over the shopping list Lu Han wrote just before he died, even remembers meeting Lu Han for only a few minutes at Jongin's party.
Lu Han keeps hovering awkwardly, like he wants to help but doesn't know how. Minseok can see that he's happy to be remembered, but nervous too, probably about the way he hid the truth from Minseok until now. Maybe Minseok should be annoyed with him, but he can't really be mad when it's clear that Lu Han desperately wanted him to remember too.
"Have you been here this whole time?" he asks Lu Han. "Since you died?" Lu Han nods, and then Minseok remembers something else, not from his life but from what Lu Han said before. "You said you became an angel because someone was holding you back. That was me?"
Lu Han nods again. "It was also because of how I died, young and so suddenly, but a lot of it was because of you." He looks almost sheepish, and it's adorable. "I just wasn't ready to let go of you. Not even to go into heaven."
"You're an idiot," Minseok tells him, but then he laughs and slings an arm around Lu Han's back to pull him close. "Not that I have any room to talk. I couldn't really let go either."
"So you didn't...?" Minseok gives him a confused look, and Lu Han clarifies, "You said you weren't married, but I thought you might have found someone else. Twelve years is a long time."
Minseok thinks about it, but he doubts there's room in the small gaps still remaining in his memories for a serious relationship. "I did try, eventually, and...I did find people, I think, but there wasn't anything that serious. There wasn't anyone like you."
"That's goo—uh..." Lu Han breaks off mid-word but can't seem to figure out how to amend the statement, and Minseok laughs again.
"You can say it's good. I know you. You'd be jealous if there was someone."
"I would be," Lu Han admits. "But I wouldn't want you to be sad. I wouldn't want you to be alone."
"I wasn't," Minseok assures him. He remembers enough now to say that with confidence. "I did have a hard time after you died, but I wasn't ever alone, and there were lots of times when I was happy. When I wasn't crying over shopping lists."
Lu Han laughs. "I hope that didn't happen a lot."
"Just the once." Minseok still has his arm around Lu Han, and he pulls him in for another hug, partly because he's happy and partly to reassure them both that they're together again and everything difficult that happened in the past doesn't matter anymore.
"I'm sorry that you didn't get to live longer," Lu Han says, wrapping his arms tightly around Minseok, "but it's really good to see you again."
"You too." Minseok chuckles softly, thinking. "Would you still be happy to see me if I'd lived until I was old and gray?"
"You do have a little gray," Lu Han says, and Minseok pulls away to punch his shoulder. Lu Han pouts, but his eyes are twinkling with happiness and love. "But I don't care. You're still you." He hesitates for a moment before asking, "Does it matter to you?"
Minseok looks at Lu Han, and now that his memories have solidified, he can see that Lu Han looks exactly the way he did at twenty-nine, when they were together. Surely he has changed on the inside in the intervening years, but so has Minseok, and it doesn't make a difference. He enjoyed Lu Han's company even before he remembered who he was, and now that he has remembered, Minseok's feelings for Lu Han are returning too. He can't say if those feelings have changed, but the love is still there and still strong, and that's all that matters.
"I don't care either," he says. "I was more in denial about it, since I didn't know it would really happen, but I think we were both waiting to meet again. And now that we have...hey, what's twelve years?"
"Exactly," Lu Han agrees, beaming, before he catches Minseok in another hug.
Minseok says he has all of his memories back, though he's still sorting through them, but the gate to heaven has yet to appear. "What's it waiting for?" he asks Lu Han.
"I don't know. It's supposed to show up when you're ready to go in. Are you?"
Minseok shrugs. "As ready as I'll ever be. There's no going back, but I'm ready to move forward." He looks consideringly at Lu Han. "What about you? Maybe that's the problem."
"What about me?" Lu Han asks, but he gets it almost as soon as he's asked the question. "You mean that I have to be ready too?"
"Are you coming in with me?" Minseok asks. "You were waiting for me, weren't you?"
"I was." Lu Han's been so focused on waiting for Minseok to remember him that he hasn't thought about what comes after, but he can't put it off any longer.
"Don't tell me you're going to ditch me to stay an angel," Minseok teases. "Or did you want both of us to do that and put off heaven forever?"
"I...no, I don't want that." Lu Han tries to fight down what he knows are irrational feelings. Heaven is supposed to be a wonderful place, and he won't keep Minseok from that. He shouldn't keep himself from it any longer either. Minseok is right that this is what he was waiting for.
"Are you scared?" Minseok asks, still gently teasing.
"I'm n—" Lu Han starts to protest reflexively, but stops himself. He doesn't have to lie to Minseok. "A little," he admits. "It just feels so...final."
"You're already dead," Minseok points out dryly. "That's pretty final."
"I know." It makes sense, but he still can't help being nervous about the change. For all that time doesn't feel the same in between, he's spent twelve years as an angel, and that's a long time. It is scary to move on from that permanently.
Minseok studies him for a long moment, then smiles softly. "Let me tell you one more memory. This one you won't know about." He takes Lu Han's forearm, then slides down to hold his hand, lacing their fingers together. "When the doctors told me there wasn't anything more they could do for me, I was upset, and scared too. Dying suddenly is awful, but death can be scarier when you have time to prepare for it, I think."
Lu Han doesn't know where Minseok is going with this, but he listens patiently. "For the first month or so, I was really struggling with it. But then my mom came to visit. She was having trouble accepting it too, and she hadn't visited much because she couldn't handle it, but finally she came. She said, 'I've been thinking a lot about what comes after death. I believe in heaven, but it's still scary, somehow, unknown.
"But then I thought about how Lu Han always took such good care of you, and supported you, and...you were always strong, but with him by your side, you were braver than before. And I thought...if he's waiting for you in heaven, which I'm sure he is, then there's nothing for you to be scared of. I don't know if it'll help you to think about that, but it helps me, to know that even though you're leaving us, you won't be alone.'"
There's a lump in Lu Han's throat, not just from Minseok's words but from the way Minseok is looking at him with so much affection in his eyes that Lu Han wonders how he could have ever worried that Minseok would stop loving him. He smiles hesitantly, and Minseok's answering smile is warm and bright and just for him.
"I thought about that a lot," Minseok continues. "I still didn't want to die, but it helped me make peace with it and not be scared about what would come next. I thought that whatever it was, you had faced it before me, and if you had any say in the matter, I wouldn't go through it alone. And I was right, wasn't I?" He squeezes Lu Han's hand. "So don't be scared. We can face anything together, right?"
Lu Han has to laugh. "And here I thought I'd help you when you died. I didn't think I'd need you to help me go into heaven."
Minseok laughs too. "You did help me, but now it's my turn. So what do you say? Are you ready to go in?"
Lu Han remembers Yixing asking him the same thing what feels like so long ago, and he remembers not feeling ready to let go of his human life and of Minseok most of all. But he has moved on from his human life, bit by bit over the time he's spent as an angel, and now Minseok is here with him, holding his hand tightly. He's still scared, deep down, but it's time. The only thing still holding him back is fear, and he needs to let go of that too.
The gate to heaven appears, a now familiar sight, except that this time Lu Han knows that it's not only for the soul he's guiding but for him too. It's as beautiful as always, and what lies beyond it must be even more so. Lu Han's wondered for as long as he's been in between what heaven is like, but this is the first time he's felt strongly drawn to it, like it's calling him in. The fear isn't gone, but what Minseok's mother said to him is true for Lu Han too: he's braver with Minseok by his side.
"I'm ready when you are," he says firmly.
He looks at Minseok, who smiles, and to Lu Han's eyes, that's almost as bright as the gate itself. "All right," Minseok says. "Then let's go."
Minseok takes a step forward, pulling Lu Han with him, and Lu Han's fear melts away before the beauty of the gate and the comfort of Minseok beside him. They walk right up to the gate and then together, without hesitation, they step through.
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